Prologue
-what I feel about you? That's easy... I love you, Avan, I love you.
Story... :)
life
When it was time for school I loved to hang out, party, date, everything teens usually do. I had tons of friends and constantlly meeting new ones. Even when high school started and all my friends parted, I still had a few friends with me. A group that was getting larger by the day. Altough it seems perfect it wasn't. At least not for me. Everything felt fake. I knew it because I felt so releved when summer came, and not because it won't be school. It was because on summers I'm free. To do whatever I want whenever I want. When I was younger I usually didn't have many friends because I liked staying at home and be a good daughter to my mom who deserved it. That I didn't have any friends didn't mean I didn't know how to have fun, but fun usually ment hanging out with my sisters five year older friends. So I eventually gotten really mature for my age and so I outgrew my friends. I was always the responsible one. It gotten so impossible for me to have fun with them because everyone acted so childish and did not think at all. I was getting so stressed out and eventually gotten myself to not trust anyone and let everyone solve their own problems. I was so tired of all the thinking and worry that was on my shoulders that I wanted to run away screaming from girls and boys who didn't know how to get along or when it was about taking responsebillity for something that wasn't even that big of a deal. I was okay for a while on my own with just one or two friends that I could rely on. But my mom and dad got into a fight wich wouldn't matter because they fought a lot, but it did matter because my mom drew the line and told my dad to, I phrase ''get the fuck out of her house'', and he moved out. Well not before he got majorly pissed and shoved my mom a little too hard and she fall throu the front doors of our house and she was screaming my sisters name for help. It was then, I realised later, when she screamed her name and not mine that I was sure that I will always be on her second place and her biggest mistake. When we fought I would often joke that she shouldn't have children and she confirmed that without even smilling. Well one thing was for sure, my sister was the one who everyone was always so freaking proud of. Tough I can't really put my finger on the reason why is that. I drink but only on special events, she drinks often because she is always out somewhere, I never got drunk, she did when she was fifteen, wich is when she first brought her first boyfriend over. God knows that only mom never knew what they did. She wasnever home and I was. She was always whining and I was quiet. Now she is twenty two and I am seventeen. She got married two years ago for her third boyfriend and had a baby a year ago. I would never be so reckless and got pregnant so young without even living my life. She was digging her own grave. The thing is everyone was so damn proud of her because she was ''smart'' like 'I'm a mother and going to college' smart. It's not like I don't like my nephew I love him very much and I am always happy to see him. Which is almost every day because my sister is always hanging out by our place so we can babysit while she studyes. That's the thing, I already was mature for my age, I don't need to be a mother also. But I now wen't of the course of my story. When my father left I felt like shit. Damn, I still do. I feel worthless, and maybe I am. Okay I know I am. That is when I completly closed myself off from the world. I needed some time and everybody was giving me some.
music
I found my escape in music. First in pop, which wasn't satisfying, then in mettal wich I didnt wan't to listen again after the half of first song I listened to. Rock was better. Way better. But there was still something missing. One day I've found it. In a movie. I watched Breaking dawn ( I know, nobody cares that you don't like it, I do ), the song after Bella and Edward ''seal the deal'', the most heart touching song I've ever heard and couldn't stop listening to. It was Turning Page by Sleeping at last. It made me wonder who are they so I searched into them. An indie rock bend. I was listening to them more and more and eventually I end up loving the music. Indie rock overwhelmed me. But sometimes it wasnt just about the music it was about the words they sang. They were so truthfull sometimes and so beautifull it only took a few seconds to start me crying. For exemple, the song Umbrellas, they have one line I'll never forget. ''You are made for amazing things.''
books
As time went by I got lonlier and lonlier, but still I seeked my escape in the darkness of my room. Eventually I started reading and the piles of books beside my bed were getting larger and larger. I loved how I can get lost in somebodys world and not care abou mine. There in books I first found out about real familly times, paths from nothing to success and, most importantly, I found love. Love that can mark your life forever. I wanted something like that, I wanted to be treated with respect and not get feeld up by some drunk boys at parties. I wanted to find myself someone who I knew I could have forever no matter what. I was trying to imagine a perfect guy for me and just couldn't. Every guy I see and like just has that something missing.
research
I was getting lonlier and lonlier. I thought maybe if I catch up to my real age I could relax a little. So I bought myself a few teen magazines and started reading on the latest 'it things'. There was a few quizes about wich type I would prefere and I solved everyone but got diferent types from each. So I was even more confused.
first star
At the end of the day I just gave up and actually started to get into stuff in magazines. After reading about some celebritys lifes I got sad. Because I can see that they are struggling bearly on the surface of the watter called papparazzi and tabloid that are just full of shit. Justin Bieber hit a paparazzI! So what? Am I the only one who thinks the paparazzi deserved it? I don't think so. I mean it isn't like Justin didn't change because he clearly did but no need to ignore what your eyes and ears see and hear. I realised that I feel for him. For every celebrity who was judged by one mistake that couldn't be fixed. We all have those but we don't have anyone who will make it worse. They do. And it's called tabloid. I was so grossed out that people still read that shit. I mean couldn't you tell it's all BS. After freaking out some more I read about some new good books, some new 'must wear' clothes, some good movies, and some good shows. It looks like the best thing on was Victorious apparently. I went online and watched a couple of episodes. It was good but not good enough to keep me watching, I just good bored eventually. They all act great and the show is grat but I can feel it's just not my thing anymore. But one thing did really cought my eye. Or I should say, someone. Beck. Tall, dark guy, with shoulder-lenght hair and chocolate brown eyes. My stomach fluttered. Hearing his voice made me kind of happy. But I didn't want to admitt it. I wasn't falling for stars, ever. I was never a fan type of girl nor I'll ever be. I respect celebritys as much as I respect my family, they are normal people doing their job right? So why not give them privacy they deserve and respect them? Sometimes I think I'm different. I'm just off. Not from this world, off. As I found out his real name, Avan Jogia, I cought myself watching his interviews and tv shows, like Twisted. That show is amazing, dark, but amazing. That just got me hooked to him more.
realisation
I've decided to let go of Avan. I didn't want to look him up anymore. Because I really didn't want to know anything about him. It's not that I didn't like him anymore, it just felt rude. To invade someones privacy. I bet half of thing that are on the net are not true about him so why bother reading. Watching him on the screen and admiring his work is just enough for me. Weeks passed and I was feeling actually a little less lonly. Somehow I knew what to be looking from now in guys. But still noone had that something. I bought myself another teen magazine and started reading as soon as I finished watching Twisted. As I was solving quizes now it came more and more as the same resault. I was somewhat happy. When I got tired and couldn't read anymore I opend one more page just to find myself stareing into most beautifull chocolate eyes I've ever seen. Avan's. It was a two page story about some fact's about him. My eyes were soaking in every word. Until I got to the musci section. His favorite bend: Metric. An indie rock bend. My stomach fluthered again. I was smilling from ear to ear. I decided to listen to them and I loved them. How could I not, they are amazing, and the lead, she sings amazing. That got me wondering if Avan likes to sing. I tried to picture him sitting on a chair beside me, guittar in his hand, eyes closed and humming peacfully. I opened my laptop and typed in Avan Jogia singing. I opened a video called a beautifull life. And there he was, looking at me, eyes almost closed, half smilling and singing. The most beautifull voice I've ever heard. I watched as his fingers went toughtfully over strings of his guittar. This time my heart clenched as he closed his eyes and then it hit me. It's him. It's him I'm missing in everyone. I'll never find anyone for myself becouse he is the one. The one person I could never have. My heart was beating fast as the song came near to its end. God must hate me, to chose someone like him for someone like me. He is perfect and I'm broken. I cried myself to sleep.
dream
I was walking on the beach near a coffie house I loved. In the evenings they always had new young singers who want to have fun and try something they love but usually can't do. A few of my friends that I remaind close with trough childhood were in front of the coffie house waveing to me. I ran a little twoard them and hugged them all briefly as we went in.
''So who are we now listening?''-I asked as I sat on a stool in front of the bar.
''I don't know, some rich guy who is here on vaication.''-my friend said.
''Oh..''-was all I could answer.
''Don't worry, we'll have a good time.''-she said. I relaxed a little.
''Okay.''-I sad and had a sip of my drink when a familiar song. My heart clenched.
''Oh this guy is cute.''-my other friend said. He started singing and I didn't need to turn around to see who it is. Avan. But I had to see him. As I turned around I almost fell from my stool. He was singing with a half smile and scanning the crowd as he truthfully sang the beautiful words. I smiled. His eyes locked on mine and I flinched as I imidiatley stoped smilling. I felt tear burning in my eyes and tried to blink them away. He can't see me crying. But I just couldn't look away. Why is God torturing me like this, puting him in front of me knowing I won't ever have him or touch him. Never. What have I done to deserve this? Tears were now rolling down my cheeks and he looked worryed for a second. I looked at my arms in my lap and took a deep breath. My other friend just came in and stood to my right.
''Isn't he awesome. He told me he could sing and I didn't belive him.''-It took a while for his words to settle in my brain.
''You know him?''-I asked suddenly turning to him.
''Yeah, we met few years ago when he was first time here.''-he said casually. For a second I got a little bit of hope but it faded away quickly because even if I did meet him, he wouldn't even think about going out with me. He is too good for me. I didn't deserve him. I haven't even realised that music was switched by some band. I turned on my stool and took a sip of my drink again.
''Man you were awesome.''-I heard my friend say and I stiffend.
''Thank you, bro. Means a lot.''-said a soft voice that I knew too well who's it was. I turned around slightly to see Avan meeting my friends. They exchanged names and awkwardly handshake/fistbumped eachother. My heart was beating so fast that I thought Avan can see it trough my shirt. He looked at me and held out his hand. I tooked it shakingly. He smiled brightly.
''I'm Avan.''-he said. And I tought I was going to puke.
''I know.''-was all I could say. He raised his eybrows still smiling. He didn't let go of my hand still waitng for something then I realised I haven't said my name.
''And you are?''-he said still smiling and seeming amused. I flinched and grabed my purse with my free hand.
''Sick...''-I sad and quickly let go of his hand as I ran twoard the door.
Ten minutes later we all were sitting outside on the hood of Avans truck. Me still shaking from puking and my friends still laughing their asses off. I felt Avan's presence with all my body and feared that I'll throw up again so I jumped of the hood and went for a little walk. Everybody was distracted so they didn't even notice and I don't blame them. Avan was there. I sighed.
''Are you okay?''-soft voice came behind me. God just give me a break, please. I stoped for a second not turning around.
''Yes, don't worry.''-I sad quickly.
''You dont look ok.''-he said. Just let go!
''I'm fine really.''-I said and turned around. I saw Avans frown and my eyes stung at meere sight of him. I bit down my tongue and turned on my heel to go but he grabbed my elbow and I turned again to see him... Mad?
''So earlier you said you know who I am, are you a fan?''-he asked and I wanted to laugh. If only...
''No.''-I said softly. His eyes hardened. He let go of my elbow.
''So a hater.''-he said. And I wanted to laugh again. If only...
''No.''-I shook my head. Now he looked confused.
''Then what?''-he said with a frown and I felt myself relax a little, he really is a human isn't he?
''I don't do fan slash hater stuff. That's... wrong.''-I sad shrugging.
''I don't understand.''-he said and I could see it on his face that he didn't. But he didn't look annoyed, not even a little.
''I don't want to be someone's fan. To follow them around taking pictures without permisson, read stories that might or might not be true. It isn't fair that some private stuff goes public like that. I also don't trust tabloids, they lie. Like, a lot. And you can never know if the stuff you read is true. And if it is its upon you to share it with someone you like to share it with and not the whole world. If you weren't famous, being a fan would be called stalking.''-I said and watched his face change as I talked. From confused to agreeing then to impressed. But every face held a bit of shock and admiration. He took a breath as did I.
''So how do you actually call that what you just said?''-he asked.
''I feel, admire, respect and understand.''-I sad simply. He smiled brightly for the second time this night for me.
''So you feel for every celebrity diferently?''-he asked. I noded. ''Kim Kardashian?''-he asked. That question took me by surprise so I had to think a little.
''Um.. I don't know her story actually. I know people hate her because she was born rich and she is all drama but she is also a person. I have watched a few episodes of Kardashians and I have seen one very sad episode. She was getting married and she missed her father and she cried so much. That only proves she is a human after all. But what I feel for her is sadness, because she put her life out there to the medias like it was nothing.''-I told him and he noded.
''Justin Bieber?''-he asked and I wondered if he is going to ask me this for a lot of people.
''I feel sad for him too, actually. You know the storry about paparazzi?''-he noded. ''That is how it's always going to be. And no matter what people will refuse to belive that he was defending himself and think he did that out of full selfishness. And it's most because of jelausy. People are greedy and cant see past that sometimes.''-I sad and I could feel my throat drie up from talking. As if he could feel it he handed me his coke. As I was taking a sip. He was procesing all that I've said. I took another sip.
''And what do you feel about me?''-Avan said suddenly and I almost chocked. But right then I saw his eyes in front of me and I wanted to tell him everything about me.
''What I feel about you? That's easy... I love you, Avan, I love you.''-I said that and my heart almost jumped out of my rib cage.
''You love me?''-he said, his face blank. I noded not being able to say anything. Suddenly the song he has been singing, a beautiful life, started to play from somewhere. I wondered who was playing it because Avan is in front of me but then I realised that the song never stoped. How weird. I looked at him. He was getting so close to me now.
''How come I've found you already?''-he said.
''Found me?''-I asked as he leaned closer.
''Of course, you are my destiny, you know that. You search for me in every guy as I search for you in every girl. I love you.''-he whispered as he kissed me. The song was louder and louder. Until it was exploding in my ears and I pushed him away. He looked confused and I took a step back as I did I tripped and fell but only I did't reach the ground. I kept falling and falling. Until I was awake. Staring at my laptop and him singing that song. I shut it down loud and went to bed with tears still rolling down my cheeks, I could still feel his lips on mine...