Lila was the first, and oh how she deserved everything she got. I gave her a week, a week of batting her eyelashes and holding his hand. That was enough. I purchased myself a large black jacket and a floppy grey beanie, my first 'work wear' set. Lila shed a few tears, begged me to reconsider a few million times and then she uttered the words 'I'm ever so certain you have a good side'. Oh, how she sounded just like him at that moment and I wasted not a second longer. I left Lila to float away down the river and her body was not found for weeks.
Genevieve was a short and peppy girl with long brown curls. She was timid and reluctant, so I gave her time. It was two weeks before she struck the courage to hold his hand – and I would know, I watched them every waking moment. I noticed her attentions were elsewhere soon after, and she broke the whole thing off after a total of three and a half weeks. I ultimately let it slide.
Ruby was next, oh how she irked me from the very moment she paired with him for Chemistry Lab. Red hair, button nose, cute giggle – I'd seen that before. She loved muffins, brought a muffin with her to school every day. I saw him approach her at lunchtime, nervous blush on his face, too bad she dropped off her seat in the very middle of their discussion. No heart rate. Who'd have known she was deathly allergic to gluten? Oh, that's right, I did.
Hannah the cheerleader was a pushover, literally. It's funny how un-desirable you soon become after your face hits hard concrete a few hundred times. Ouch.
Ruth, oh Ruth MacDougal - how I revelled in her re-entry into his life! Ruth was a little fire I liked to play with, I liked to let her get almost out of control and then stamp on her embers. I enjoyed their mindless chatter at the restaurant, I let her hold his hand and I even let her take a kiss on the cheek before I threw her before that bus. I even sent her flowers whilst she lay in her hospital bed nursing those broken bones. I loved it when he would visit to check-up on her and I would immediately disconnect her morphine for several hours afterward. Oh, how I loved Ruth! I let him walk her home one day, I let her lean in for the kiss... until she heard her mother's screams from the kitchen. Ruth, I loved that expression you wore on your face, that horror. I liked how angry and bitter you became, Ruth, and how hard you pushed him away. Ruth moved away, I was triumphant yet again.
Katie was my least favourite, an un-pleasant surprise. I gave her a few dates; she was mildly interested in his affection but more interested in herself. I misread her, she went from zero to one hundred on date four, I had not been prepared. Katie stole something from me, a privilege only I had held until her promiscuous lips touched his. I knew she would have gone further too. I saw that horrible look in her eyes. Katie, Katie, I had never guessed you knew martial arts, it's a shame it had to become so violent. I hated you so much already. Katie found herself in my basement for two entire weeks, before I granted her a final mercy. Her ashes looked lovely by my rose bushes.
Brittney, I never wanted to take your beloved pet cat away from you, but, it was all your fault. Naked cell phone pictures at 1am? You should have known better. I know you cried – you deserved it.
Blonde short-haired girl from the supermarket, I saw you take his phone number. Shame you cannot dial without fingers.
If you will not be with me my beloved, you will never be happy without me. I will make sure.
I'm looking in your window now, Phoebe. You should not have done it. No. I forgave you for the text messages but I cannot forgive you for the candlelit dinner. Oh, Phoebe, why did you touch my Arnold? I hate to have to do this to you.
P.S. This is just a bit of fun! It's a joke :)