Anticipation
Do you ever wake up with the feeling that something is going to happen? You know, that feeling. Where you feel like you may have possibly eaten a lead pipe for dinner the night before. The one that has occasionally forced you to pull the covers back over your head, because you don't want to face whatever was headed your way.
Well, this morning, I woke up with just that feeling. And I knew that there was no way that I was going to be able to hide all day in bed. Three months ago, I would have done just that. But now, I can't bring myself to do it.
Ever since I left home, well, Stef and Lena's, I've been busting my butt to try and figure myself out. So, I voluntarily did something that I swore I would never do. I went to see a therapist. Luckily, I found someone who would see me. I mean, I'm 16 with no job, no family support and no money of my own. I have virtually no belongings. I crash on Wyatt's couch for God's sake! With all that said, I lucked out with this lady.
I've been seeing Dr. Landey twice a week now for two and a half months now. And for the first time in my life, I been totally straight with someone. No attitude or false bravado. 100% honest. (I mean, seriously. What the hell is the point of seeing a therapist, if I'm not going to give her the truth?) I've told her everything. Pretty much from start to finish. About my mom, my dad, Jude, all of my foster homes, Liam, my stint in juvie and finally, how I ended up with the Foster's.
And that brings me to today. I just can't shake the feeling that something, somewhere is off. But, I can't just lay here, I have an appointment. So, I stumble off the couch and begin to coach myself. Rather loudly. (And may I say, I'm glad that Wyatt isn't here to see this.) "Come on Callie. You can do this. It's just a normal chat with the Doc. How bad can it be?" As soon as I'd asked the question, I wished I could take it back. Like so many things that I'd said or done recently. The things I'd said to Stef and Lena that first night, almost getting Brandon shot, kissing Brandon and most importantly, running away. But, you can't change the past, now can you?
As I make my way to the shower, I stop briefly to grab a cup of coffee. Lucky for me, Wyatt had made a pot before he had left. I suck down the bitter brown liquid quickly, as I was wanting to be showered, dressed and out the door in thirty minutes or less.
I shower in record time. (Which is strange, seeing as I have a sense of dread falling over me. Usually, that would have slowed me to a snail's pace.) I pull on my jeans, a t-shirt and my hooded sweatshirt. And as I pull it over my head, I can't help but inhale the remnants of what I had come to believe was Stef's perfume. This is the one piece of my clothing that I haven't washed since I left. I can't. I took it from the coat rack on my way out the door the night I left, not realizing that it was hers at the time. If I close my eyes and pretend hard enough, I can see her and I can feel her hugging me. Totally nuts, I know.
I grab my backpack, my key and the disposable phone that Wyatt had given me and I ran out the door. I turned briefly to lock up. I then proceeded down the stairs and out of the building to catch the bus.
As I make my way to the bus stop, my mind wanders to the day of the wedding. The moms were so excited that day. Stef and Lena, I mean. And not just about their upcoming nuptials. They had something on their minds. They gathered the five of us in the living room for a family meeting. They had put Jude and I on the couch, while the others just stood off to the side of the room grinning. I remember feeling a swarm of butterflies as we sat there waiting. (Any other time that Jude and I had been brought to a 'meeting' like this, Bill had come to take us away. And after that whole bloody mess with Liam, I just knew they were going to send us back.) At that moment, I was prepared to argue and beg them to just keep Jude, but I got the surprise of my life. Or maybe the shock of my life. When Stef asked us how we would feel about making the situation more permanent, I could feel Jude's excitement. Hell, I could barely contain mine. But, I had to keep my cool. Jude asked, "Like adopt us?" I tore my eyes away from Stef and Lena to look at the others. I asked, "Are you guys sure you're ok with this?" Mariana nodded excitedly, Jesus smiled widely and Brandon replied, "There's enough to go around." At that moment, I knew that Jude and I were home. When Stef and Lena rushed the couch, I couldn't help but feel something that I had rarely remembered ever feeling. Happy. And elated. And excitement. It's hard to comprehend how I ruined everything less that six hours later by being a selfish bitch.
As I boarded the bus to head downtown, I hadn't noticed the tears that were running down my face. The bus driver looked at me and said, "Miss, are you all right?" I gave her a quick nod, deposited my change and quickly proceeded to the closest seat I could find. I ferociously wiped my eyes and face, frustrated that I had obviously broken down in public. I just don't do this. Luckily, I'll probably never see any of these people again, so my public humiliation will be brief.
As luck would have it, my stop was next. I stood up and began to make my way to the exit door. As the bus came to a stop, I gave a small wave to the driver, so as to let her know that I really was fine and then I walked down the stairs to the sidewalk. Dr. Landey's office was less than a block away, so I hustled through the crowd, trying to get to her office early enough so that I could snag another cup of coffee. But, the closer I got to her building, the heavier my stomach felt. As I grabbed the heavy door to pull it open, I got a whiff of something familiar. I couldn't pin it down, but for some reason, my stomach fell even further. I made my way to the elevator and swiped the up button. After what seemed like forever, but in reality was fifteen seconds, the doors opened, I walked in and hit the seven and let out a deep sigh as the doors closed. For the first time in weeks, I was terrified to go into the Doc's office. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something had been set in motion. When the elevator stopped at my floor and the doors opened, I debated whether or not to get off. After a few seconds, I slowly walked out of the elevator, barely escaping the doors as they closed. I slowly began to make my way down the hallway. And as I reach the suite, I grab the doorknob and am frozen. That smell again. What is it? If felt as though I was losing my mind. (Funny, right? Standing outside of my therapists office, I think I've gone crazy. The definition of irony.) Oddly enough, I know that I know that smell. I shrug my shoulders, turn the knob and walk into the waiting area. I look over at the reception desk and say, "Hey, Mindy. Is she ready?" She smiles and shakes her head before responding, "She need ten more minutes, she's finishing up with someone. Help yourself to coffee." I return the smile and head directly for the coffee pot. As I poor the liquid into my cup, I can't help but wonder about my family. I mean, the Foster's. Are they still looking for me? Did they look at all? Do they hate me? Will I ever see them again? I ponder these questions as I sip the scalding liquid and wait for the Doc.
A few minutes pass and I hear the door behind me open. I shake myself out of my reverie and turn around. The Doc speaks briefly with Mindy and gives her a brief nod. Mindy looks up and smiles, while Dr. Landey asks, "Callie, are you ready?" At that moment, I'm finding it hard to find my voice, so I just put my hands in my pockets and walk towards her.
As we walk through the door, I notice that her actual office door is closed. That door has never been closed since I've been coming here. That door is always open. For some reason, I find this unsettling. She stops at the opening of the quiet room to allow me to enter first. As I cross the threshold, I smell it again. At this point, I know the universe is up to something. I cross the room and head straight for the couch. I plop down on the floor and remove my backpack and toss it down next to me. (For some reason, the whole therapy couch thing freaks me out, so, I sit on the floor in front of it.) I lean back to get somewhat comfortable. As I cross my legs in front of me, I look up and notice that the Doc has taken to pacing on the other side of the room. Her actions did nothing to settle my fears. So, in an effort to lighten the situation, I say, "What's up Doc?" When I see the look on her face, I realize that my little attempt at humor had failed miserably. I look down briefly at my hands, curious as to what has caused her to act so completely out of character. When I finally look back up, I see that her pacing has long since resumed. All at once, I am quite sure that the proverbial shit has hit the fan. So, with all the courage I can muster, I boldly ask, "What the hell is going on?! You are freaking me out! And that is making me feel worse that I was already. Can you please just stop pacing and talk to me? Tell me what I've done!"
Somewhere during my rant she had stopped pacing and had turned to face me. The look on her face was one of pure and utter shock. When I had finished, she nodded and went to sit in her recliner. I watched her quietly for a minute or so. She was visibly struggling with something, so again I spoke, but this time quietly, "Please." I patiently waited.
She finally lifted her eyes to look at me. With a nervous smile, she began to speak. "I need you to know that I've been back and forth about this. After you accidentally let the names of your foster mom's slip, I've struggled with what to do with that knowledge. I know why you felt you had to leave and I know that you believe that you don't deserve what Stef and Lena were offering after what happened with Brandon. I also know how badly you miss them. How much you wish you could go back and change things. We both know that that's not possible. But, I do believe that you can set things back on course. You can receive the love that you've been desperately craving. And with all of this in mind, I came to a decision."
As she paused, I realized that I had started shaking slightly and had begun wringing my hands. My anxiety was growing with each word. And then she continued, "Callie. You're a minor. You're a ward of the state. But you did come to me on your own and I commend you for that. So, I had to make a judgement call. Wait. I can see the fear on your face. I didn't call Bill or the police for that matter. I need you to believe that. Trust me." By this point sheer terror was setting in? Who was left to call? The tears rolled down my face as everything she had said sunk in. I looked down at my legs and wrapped my arms around myself. I could feel myself coming undone. In the background, I heard a door open. I couldn't bring myself to look. I felt so utterly betrayed. As the tears continued to fall, I began to hear hushed voices. I began to panic. I leaned over to quickly grab my backpack and as I did, I noticed a familiar pair of sneakers. And all at once, that scent overwhelmed me. But, I could not bring myself to look. I didn't want to look up and it not be real. I wanted to believe for one minute that she was standing there. I pulled my hand back, closed my eyes and started to wring my hands. I took a slow deep breath and let that scent infiltrate my senses. That smell put me immediately at ease. But it wasn't real. She couldn't be. No one has ever cared enough to come after me. No one. I don't want this hallucination to go away. But I don't want to be nuts either. In my mind, I begin to count. 1, 2, 3... 7, 8, 9..."please make it go away, I don't want to be crazy," 13, 14, 15. Slowly, I open my eyes and raise my head. My eyes meet hers. "Stef?" I ask. I see the tears rolling down her face. And then she speaks, "Callie!" She immediately crosses the room, drops to the floor beside me and wraps her arms around me. At first, I'm terrified that I've lost my mind, but as I feel her arms tighten around me and I breathe deeply, I realize that she's really here. As uncomfortable as I normally am with type of thing, I can't help but put my arms around her. At which point, years of pent up emotion tumbled out. I was sobbing in her arms. After a few minutes, she whispered in my ear, "I'm here now, my love. I've been so worried. I've missed you, we all have. We'll fix it, all of it."
With these words, I snuggle further into her. I had needed to hear all of them. After a couple of minutes, I looked up and said, "I missed you too, Stef." I closed my eyes briefly and then said, "Mom, I want to go home."