Innocence
Summary: Alex's memory of her childhood experiences that led her to know she wanted to work on SVU cases.
April 1982
There were a lot of things that Alex Cabot could understand. She was seven years old after all. She was in second grade at an elite private school that her father paid for her to attend. She was already taking third grade level math courses. She could understand anything relating to school. She knew to look both ways before she crossed the street. She knew not to go to certain stores unless her mother or some other trusted adult was with her. She knew how to call for help in the case of an emergency.
What she could not understand was divorce. Why was her mother moving out of her father's house? Why did Alex have to go with her? Why did she have to say good-bye to her nanny? Why did her mother's "friend" keep coming over for dinner now that the two of them had moved? Why did he always want to make her a grown-up even if she did not like it? She did not understand it. She was not entirely sure if she liked any bit of it.
She liked her neighborhood. At least, her mother told her that she would like it, and she did not want to disappoint her. The yard was not as big as the one at her father's house was. However, her mother assured her that there would be other children Alex's age living on the street – plenty more than in their old neighborhood. Alex had watched them from her bedroom window a couple of times. They were mostly boys, but there was one little girl. Alex did not know if the girl would like her though. All the times that Alex saw her, she was playing baseball in the street with the boys.
Then one day, about a month and a half after Alex had moved in, she heard a knocking at her front door. She looked up from the kitchen table where she was dutifully doing her homework. Multiplication. She understood it easily. She placed her pencil down on top of her ditto and then joined her mother at the door. Her mother opened the door.
Standing on the doorstep were the children that Alex had been watching. There were six boys and the one girl. Most of the boys looked alike. Like the girl, they all had pale skin, freckles, and red hair. All of the children were wearing slightly messy clothes. The girl had her long red hair pulled back into a ponytail. The ends of her ponytail dangled just above her waist. "Hi, my name's Casey. Do you want to play with us?" the girl asked boldly. "We're playin' Tag, and my brother Dave is it."
Alex took one look at them before she turned her head to look up at her mother. They looked like nice kids. She had watched them play Tag before, and it looked like fun. She was thrilled to be included for once. "May I?" she asked excitedly. "Please, Mommy, please?"
Stephanie Hermann, the former Mrs. Richard Cabot II, took one look at her daughter and one look at the children. She looked around the rest of the street. There was an older child, a teenager it looked like, sitting on the porch in front of one of the houses. She assumed it was the babysitter. She exhaled deeply. Certainly Alexandra would not be playing too terribly long. She was only within the couple houses in front of theirs. Someone would be watching them at all times. Plus, she wanted her daughter to be able to make some new friends for once. "Yes," she finally agreed. Before Alex could scurry off to play, her mother called her back. "But Alexandra," she said.
"Yes, Mommy?" Alex asked as she turned around.
"Change out of your school uniform first," her mother told her. "There are some play clothes in your dresser."
"Woah," one of the boys exclaimed as he caught a look at Alex's blue plaid jumper and white button down, Peter-Pan collar shirt. "You wear that to school!" It was more of an exclamation of shock than a question.
Alex simply nodded before she scampered upstairs to change. Within a few minutes, she was back downstairs, ready to join in with the other children.
"Thank you, Mommy," Alex said, kissing her mother's cheek.
"You're welcome, sweetheart," her mother responded. "Just promise me you'll stay outside, okay?"
"I promise," Alex said. She smiled up at her mother. Her mother rubbed her cheek with her thumb and told her to go play. Alex scampered outside and closed their front door behind her.
"I'm Casey," the girl said as she stuck out her hand for Alex to shake. "And those are my brothers Dave, Tommy, Chris, and Greg," she added. Each of her brothers made some sort of weird gesture as Casey called their names. "And those are Billy and Bobby," Casey finished as she pointed to the other two boys. "They live down the street. They're nice."
Alex smiled at each of them. They obviously all knew each other. Most of them were related. She did not know how long it would take her to know all of these people, but she wanted to try. So far, she could only remember that the girl was Casey and the oldest boy was Dave. "I'm Alex," she introduced herself.
"Cool," one of the non-redheaded boys said. "So, okay, we're playing Tag, and Dave over there is It. Basically, you just have to run away and don't let him touch you."
"Touch me where?" Alex asked curiously. She knew some places that people were not supposed to touch her. Her mother's friend Henry said some places were special. Only special people could touch them. He was one of those special people. Even though Alex did not like it when he touched her, she did not complain. He had told her it was a grown-up thing. She wanted to be grown-up, didn't she? Alex had said that she did. Henry said he would teach her, but she had to promise not to tell her mother. Alex had agreed.
The boy shrugged. "Anywhere. If he touches you, you're It, which means you chase everyone else and try to touch them." He pointed over at the older teenaged girl sitting on the porch. "And that's Eames. We don't know her first name. She's fourteen! Where she's sitting is base, so that's where you go if you get tired of running or you need water or juice."
"Or if you skin your knee," Casey added as she pointed at one of her band-aids on her left knee.
Alex nodded. This made sense. Even if she did not know who all of the children were, she understood how to play the game. One of Casey's brothers announced it was time to start, so Alex started running. She lost track of Casey for a second. As she ran, she thought heard someone whispering to her. She turned around and realized it was Casey.
"C'mere," Casey beckoned. "I know a great hiding place so that the boys can't tag us," she said excitedly. As she scurried off with Alex, she smiled. "I like you," she said clearly. "I think you're nice."
Alex smiled back at Casey. "I think you're nice, too," she told Casey. "I'm seven. How old are you?"
"I'm almost seven!" Casey exclaimed with a wide smile. "My birthday month is in September."
"Oh," Alex said. "Well, in that case, I'm almost eight."
Casey frowned. "When's your birthday month?"
"July," Alex answered. She then followed Casey behind a couple of trees. This was Casey's great hiding spot. Alex smiled. She and Casey eventually moved so that they were sitting between two bushes. They were still out of sight. They remained there for the next forty some minutes and just talked. It was nice. They realized they liked a lot of the same things.
"ALEXANDRA!" came a loud voice. Alex bolted upright, instantly recognizing the voice as Henry's. She did not like that voice.
"I gotta go, sorry," she said in a rushed voice. "Bye!" She dashed out of the bushes and rushed back towards her house. "I'm sorry," she said meekly. She kept her eyes firmly on the ground.
"What do you think you were doing?" Henry yelled down at her. "I had no idea where you were. Your mother said you were playing, but I didn't see you out there." He grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her inside. He slammed the house door behind him. "You know what this means, Alexandra," he told her, his voice solemn, but no longer yelling.
Tears filled in Alex's eyes, "Yes, sir." She took her sneakers off and left them by the door in their proper place. She then walked into the living room and bent forward over the arm of the white couch. "I'm ready for my punishment," she whimpered.
"I didn't hear that," Henry said.
Alex coughed. She took in a deep breath. "I said I'm ready for my punishment," she said, louder. She could only hope he was not going to pull down her pants this time, but she knew that chance was slim. She could not remember the last time he had spanked her over her pants. He had preferred her bare bottom for as long as they have lived in this house. She closed her eyes as she heard him remove the belt from his waist.
Alex felt Henry's hands around her waist, reaching and pulling her pants and underpants down. She tried to zone out. She usually tried to conjure the memories of her family – her real family – at their last family beach trip to Martha's Vineyard. Her parents were happy then. Her father had taught her how to boogie board, and by the end of the trip, she was beginning to get good at it.
Alex bit her lower lip to prevent herself from yelling out in pain. She knew from experience that would only lead to more spankings. Her mother never hit her, but Henry said he was special. He said her mother was just too afraid to hit her, but he was not. It was his way of making sure Alex was a good girl. Strangely enough, her mother was never around when he hit her. She thought she heard him say that her mother went to get a couple things from the grocery store for dinner.
After the tenth swat, Henry told Alex to stand up and readjust her clothes. He excused her to her room, where she waited until her mother came to get her for dinner. By that time, Alex had dried her tears and completed her homework. She had been working on her twenty minutes of daily reading when her mother entered.
"Dinner, sweetheart," her mother called after she had knocked on the door frame. She looked at her daughter and the tired look in her eyes.
Alex usually enjoyed her reading time, but it was hard for her to concentrate. She nodded at her mother. "Okay, I'm coming," she said. She reached for her kitten bookmark and used it to mark her place. She then gently placed the book on her nightstand and stood up slowly.
"You feeling all right, sweetheart?" her mother asked as Alex approached her in the doorway. Something was off about Alex. She had been so happy earlier that afternoon.
Alex nodded. She wanted desperately to tell her mother what was really bothering her, but she was too afraid. Henry had told her before that her punishments were just for him. Her mother was too afraid to do it, and if she told on him, then he would punish her mother, too. Her mother would be in trouble for raising a "horrid brat" Alex recalled.
"Alex?" her mother asked again. She wished she could get Alex to open up to her. She knew the divorce and move had been hard on her daughter, but she was at a loss for how to talk to her about it. This was new territory for the both of them. Unfortunately, her mother did not have many people in her social circle who had dealt with a similar situation.
"I'm fine, Mommy," Alex assured her mother. "I'm just tired from playing outside this afternoon."
Alex was silent all during dinner except to ask if she could be excused when she was finished. She went upstairs and changed into her clothes. She brushed her teeth and got ready for bed.
After she had been asleep for a couple hours, her bedroom door opened. In walked Henry. Alex knew what this meant. She pretended to be asleep, but she felt everything that he was doing. He slipped his hand under her nightgown and started rubbing against her upper chest. He had told her this was what grown-ups do when they were in love. Although she was only seven and definitely not in love with Henry, she knew better than to argue. It was easier to just dream of happier times than to fight.
After about ten minutes of rubbing Alex's chest, Henry removed his hand. He reached it into her underpants and began feeling between her legs. Alex winced. This was new. This hurt. No amount of beach dreams would be enough to distract her from the pain. She did not think fingers were supposed to go into other people's bodies like that.
Henry removed his fingers after about another ten minutes. It had felt like an eternity to Alex. She was afraid to open her eyes and have him learn that she was up past her bedtime. She felt his breath on her neck then felt him kiss her chest. It was over her nightgown, but it still felt wrong to her. Maybe this was another grown-up thing Henry was telling her about.
Once Alex heard him close the front door to her house, she started crying. It was silent, but she cried herself to sleep just like she had the previous night, just like she would do the next night.