Cookie cutter stories:
This is a parody of cookie cutter stories, all meat of the story will be taken out, so I can achieve this in a short one-shot or drabble format. Explanations and author notes will be written inline, solely to irritate and annoy ^_^, an intentional parody of writers who have not yet learnt that it interrupts the flow of a story, by inserting their inane comments in the middle of a story; the only exception to this rule being – parodies.
Chapter 1: Indie Harry and the Ubermensch (Superman) Bones
It was the summer before his 3rd, 4th, 5th year… Harry wasn't bothered to remember which exactly it was. He couldn't care less, as was as usual used and abused [A/N: my first ^_^: I don't intend to marginalize the feelings of abuse victims, nor am saying that it is not a crime to abuse children. It is a serious crime IMHO], he was sore from the beating he had received from the Hippo, he had even resorted to using a baseball bat [A/N: where he got the baseball bat in Surrey, England was a mystery I will not delve into, especially seeing as the Cricket bat is a better bludgeoning device] [2nd A/N: how a hippo could even hope to hold a bat is another mystery, that I wish I could divine][3rd A/N: I am going to use square brackets for author's notes, they are so much more cooler][4th A/N: … I am done with notes for this paragraph…].
Where was I, ah yes… he was hurt, bruised, tired and hungry and all the other adjectives an abuse victim can throw out there including the kitchen sink…
"Oh! Woe is me, woe is me", Harry said towards the audience (Yes, I mean you, the _reader_), "I have been sorely abused and overworked by these Dumbsley's as if I were there House elf" [H/N (Hermione's Note): Honestly, that is why I advocate for S.P.E.W, blah, blah, blah,… furthermore… blah,…] as he studiously worked in the backyard [A/N: see how annoying these notes are in middle of a chapter, use place holders instead like *, ** or 1 2 etc to link to the appropriate footnote, the exception here being, if it is a translation, keep those inline, as it is annoying to switch back and forth to understand your story, better would be to keep it in a note paragraph right below the current one].
We switch our camera to a modest yet large palatial small home of our heroine [A/N: I love such oxy-moronic (pun intended) adjectives, small yet large, soft yet hard etc so much so that it makes me want to tear all my hare out, goes in search of hares, here bunny, bunny, see profile for my pet peeve on homonyms].
For this story, I am picking Hermione, as she is the usual Heroine [A/sN (sub note): caps intended] in such stories, the others being Random-Sytherin-Girl 1, Random-Slytherin-Girls 1 & 2 (sometimes more), Tonks, Luna and Susan Bones, rarely are Ravenclaws other than Luna picked, Hufflepuffs are almost never picked.
Our Heroine was pacing in her bed room, living room, dining room, bath room (err, maybe not the bath room), as she pondered the conundrum that was facing her. As she itemized the arcane behavior of the ones in charge of her education and the Weaseley family [Oh Really: Wesley I have heard of, but Weasel-ey, just what was Jo planning when she first thought up their name, and what did she have to redact to accommodate fans of the little Weasel and the slimey Snape, I wonder in my conspiracy theory addled mind; see footnote #1 for extension of this note].
She [our Heroine, if you have already lost the story, because to be honest I did], was worried about our downtrodden little man in baggy pants [with only the bowler hat missing to mistake Harry with another famous little character; see footnote #2]
We see these two entities, troubled far apart, yet so near in their hearts, even if they did not know it, because only I; the ever powerful, the omni potent fan-fic author knew it.
Enter stage left: "Have no fear, A-Person is here", yelled a person jumping in and standing tall, the hair blowing in the breeze which came out of nowhere. [Schreeeeench… what] [The breeze came out of… hem hem… well… lets not use that shall we]
A/N: A-Person a.k.a. Adult Person which could be anybody, but has to be an adult, cause these darn kids cannot make a spectacularly idiotic decision on their own, kids make idiotic decision, but it takes an adult to make it spectacularly idiotic, if I do say so myself (being adult myself, I mean). The A-Person can be any body [space b/w any and body intended], a witch, wizard, muggle and sometimes even Dobby and or Winky or a random-Potter-elf one of the many million. He/she/it will be the main instigator of all things done by the Ubermensch. In case where the Heroine [again with the capital H] is Tonks, she can be the A-Person as well as the non-pheodpilic heroine, who just so happens to thirsts for an underage boy's body, but it is all good, as she is hot and Harry is a horny little bugger [stopping this train of thought before I am disgusted with myself for having liked HP/NT pairing in the past].
Back to the show…
"Oh! My God", A-Person vocalized in a very nasal voice (in another world, Chandler gets up and runs away), "how could they do this to you, this is not right, I must set it right"
And he/she/it twirled his/her/its cape [which suddenly made its appearance, with the help of phone-booth 3000, the porta changer] and flew away into the sky.
He/she/it landed in front of Madam Bones (eventually), who as we know (or not) is (was) the Head of the DMLE. As head of DMLE, arguably the most powerful department in MoM, she had great powers (Bones that is), in short she was Ubermensch [Superman for those who forgot], worker of miracles, yada, yada, yada…
Director Bones, saw the way Harry was treated, and like all sensible non Magical people got disgusted with it, and revolutionized the world just to save him.
Tasks accomplished:
1) Getting Harry away from the Dursleys
2) Getting Harry and Heroine [damn word for autocorrecting my Capital H every time, how dare it try to help me] together for some non supervised teenage romance time, explicit, unabashed, even joining in the fun at times, yes completely non-pedophilic, it is all to denote how desirable the skinny little brat is off course.
3) Getting the Dursleys thrown into prison, with Vernon getting to share a cell with Bubba.
4) Somehow getting Snape sacked.
5) Clearing up Sirius' name (posthumously if after 5th year)
6) Get Harry settled in the huge yet small palace of the Potters with its 1MM House elves, who are in fact paid so as not to hurt Hermione's sentiments (even if Hermione is one of the bad persons in the story, and totally anti Harry, etc, etc)
Supplemental Tasks: a.k.a, kick Dumbledore's butt:
1) Get Dumbledore sacked from Hogwarts/Wizengamot
2) Get Harry emancipated (this might still happen in most cases, benign Dumbledore included)
Harry is suddenly empowered, he is a super hero, he suddenly has a lot of powers, where before he was malnourished, he is now a ripped 6-pack tummied Super Hero, when he steps into a room, girls swoon, guys flock to lick his boots, greasy Snape snivels, babies cry etc.
Omake 1:
Scene setup: Harry is getting beaten, abused, and treated worse than an Egg McMuffin in a gathering of Super models.
In a faraway castle, few trinkets buzzed and displayed multiple colors, the old man sitting at the desk, knew that Harry was again getting conditioned.
He leaned forward, his face getting long and a evil smirk starting to adorn his face.
He steepled his fingers and started tapping them together.
"Exxceeelleeennnttt", he said, leaving Burns, I mean Dumbledore, Dumb-le-dore… at it… we return to find our nearly dead, yet extremely strong hero still working in the gardens.
Author's Notes:
I had much more in my mind, but they seem to slip my mind as I type this down… who know, I might expand this more later.
Footnotes:
1) Come to think of it, the littlest Weasel, I mean gin-gin, and the Grease-master are quite alike, why could JKR not pair them together… they both have unhealthy obsessions on the Potter men, she is a obsessed stalker turned friend of a dark haired man, while he was a friend turned obsessed stalker of a red haired damsel. They are made for each other. I just had this epiphany while writing this story. I am now an ardent supporter of SS/GW pairing ^_^ and no I don't mean Sally Smith and George Weasley.
Harry falling for Ginny, is like Charlie pining after Rose (we all know how that turned out… chorus: Meeeennnnnnn….)
2) Do a reverse word lookup in for downtrodden, the reverse dictionary is in the tools & resources link in the home page. It is a wonderful utility to search for words that you can use.