Preface.
Purcellville, Virginia
February, 1992
Plus.
Positive.
Smiley Face.
Pink dot of death.
Pregnant.
All 5 drug store tests were screaming the exact same thing at me.
You are a floozy and God hates you for having premarital sex.
What am I going to do? What can possibly fix this? Mother is going to kill me. No, that's an understatement. She is going to cut the baby out, and then kill me. And then resurrect me and make me face Father. Yes, that sounds almost realistic.
And then Father will do something so dreadful to me that I will want to kill myself.
There is only one option, they cannot find out. No one can know the outcome of that one drunken celebration.
I have to take myself and this baby and run away. I have to get out of this town. And I will never, ever be able to come back.
Danville, Virginia
2:34 P.M. September 13, 1992
"DRUGS! I need drugs!" No one seemed to quite understand how painful this experience was turning out to be.
"Ma'am, I'm going to need to you calm down. You can't just barge in here and demand drugs. Is it safe for me to assume you are having contractions?"
Oh this little man does not want to fuck with me. I am in pain, and Renee in pain is not someone you want to mess with.
"I am going to pop this damn baby all over your pristine floors if you don't get me in a hospital room and shove an epidural in my spine. Do not tell me where I can barge into." I have noticed that hormones and managing on my own for seven months has given me unhealthy amounts of confidence.
"All right, all of this yelling is certainly not necessary, how can I help you hun?"
Finally, some kindness in this god forsaken town. An angel in hospital scrubs unknowingly just crash landed into the craziness that is Renee.
"I need an epidural, and maybe a cheeseburger."
I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and looked hopefully at the woman in front of me.
"Ok, follow me. My name is Dr. Weber, but you can call me Angela. When did your contractions start?"
And just like that, I knew somehow this woman would make sure mini me and I would turn out just fine.
8:19 P.M.
"Renee, would you like to hold your daughter?"
I opened my eyes and saw Angela standing over the bed, holding the baby in her arms.
Wordlessly, I reached my arms towards the small bundle, scared shitless. I had absolutely no idea how to do this.
Angela handed her to me and turned to walk out of the room.
"You'll be a wonderful mother, Renee. Don't worry."
I smiled and looked down at the burrito of baby in my arms.
She was beautiful. Sucking her itty bitty thumb and looking up at me with innocent eyes, I knew that in that instant that I would do anything for her.
I gently touched her little brown curls, in awe that wonderful creature had come from me.
"I love you, little Bella. You just landed yourself into the craziest life imaginable."
I giggled.
It didn't matter that I was 17. It didn't matter that I was currently living out of my car, and I only had 400 dollars to my name. It was okay that I was alone; that there were no teary eyed parents watching from the hall and no husband looking down proudly. We would be okay. I had this beautiful baby girl in my arms and that was more than enough.
She giggled for the first time, but it certainly would not be the last.
Those first years were without a doubt the hardest years of my life. The world is not a forgiving place for an 18 year old and her new born baby.
But we got through, we learned.
As Bella learned her first words, a very assertive "NO MOMMA!" constantly being yelled at me, I learned how to patch a car tire with bubble gum.
While little miss took her first steps, I practiced forging new identities for ourselves.
The first time she sung her ABCs I was rushing to get us out of a dingy apartment before the owner caught us skipping out on rent.
When she came home from first grade with a tale of her first crush, I listened to her with one ear and for the cops with the other.
While she stressed through pre-algebra which she had to take at 12 different schools, I stressed through shitty job after shitty job.
Somehow we've made it through 17 long years of being constantly on the run, and we've managed to do it with a smile on our faces.