Author's Note: Okay. Firstly, I'm not normally into songfics. But I heard this Vanessa Carlton song, Rinse, and it immediately made me think of the Kirsty and Kane storyline in Home and Away. So I decided to write this fic. Yay : ).
Secondly, I can't stand the character of Kirsty. I've always felt the romance between her and Kane to be impure. Since I dislike her so much, it was quite hard to write this fic and to sympathise with her. But I think I did an okay job (blushes)
Anyway, I would love for you to review. In fact, I'd become ridiculously excited. Please? It would make me really, really happy…
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She was sitting with the lights off again.
She'd crept out of the room, being careful not to wake Jade, and stumbled down the stairs. She'd flopped onto the sofa, slowly deflating. She craved the darkness and the loneliness of the sitting room. After all, she felt darkly lonely herself, perpetually.
She hadn't done this for a long time. At least, it felt like a long time. In her mind's eye, it felt like an age since Kane had thrown – thrown – her out of his car, out of his life, telling her that she was a pathetic kid, that he wanted nothing more to do with her, that he never wanted to see her again…
He never wanted to see her again.
She wanted nothing more than to see him again.
~ She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye ~
~ She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise ~
No material possessions, no new potential suitors, not even the threat to her family's peace and happiness was enough to suspend the dreams and the empty wishes. And she knew that was a terrible attitude to have, and that she was being selfish. But she felt that she would never be able to move on if she continued to live in this torment. If only she could speak to him again, just for one minute. Just for sixty seconds. If only she could ask him if he'd meant any of those words, if he still loved her, if he'd ever loved her.
~ She's been wishing on the stars that shine so bright ~
~ For answers to questions that will haunt her tonight ~
Of course, he'd sent her the letter after bringing her home, assuring her that he'd meant none of those cruel, angry words. Assuring her that he'd been lying. Assuring her that he'd abandoned her for her own good, because he loved her.
And ninety-nine percent of her believed him. She didn't want to believe that he would lie to her, that he was capable of lying to her. But that distrustful one-hundredth of her, the one-hundredth that doubted him, was biting fiercely at her insides. What if Kane was merely placating her? What if he felt guilty about the way he'd treated her, and had resorted to writing a gentle letter, full of harmless, comforting lies and insincere promises? He was a deceptive actor; she knew that much. According to him, he'd been acting when he'd erupted and brought her home. And he'd lied in court, about what he'd done to Dani…
Kirsty flinched. She didn't want to think about Dani. She especially didn't want to think about what Kane had done to Dani. Every time she did, she was engulfed by a horrible feeling of raw, overpowering guilt. She'd driven her sister out of her home. She'd betrayed Dani in the worst way possible. There was still a small voice in her head, a voice that wasn't quite as in love with Kane as the rest of her, that continued to parrot, 'How could you?'
If she'd listened to that voice a few months before, if she'd had the God-damn sense to listen, then she wouldn't be in this mess now, and neither would the rest of the family. She'd destroyed the closeness that she and Dani had once shared. Sure, Dani claimed to have forgiven her, insisted that she would always love her, but how it would never be the same. Kirsty was convinced that every time Dani looked at her, she was reminded of Kane. After all, every time Kirsty looked at Dani, she was reminded of Kane.
She was still clinging to her excuses. She'd been mixed-up when she'd fallen for Kane. Her friends had vanished after she'd taken that E, and Jade and Nick had been so content in each other's company that she'd felt excluded. Isolated.
~ How she'd be soothed, how she'd be saved if he could see ~
~ She needs to be held in his arms to be free ~
And then Kane had come along, and she'd fallen in love with him, and he'd treated her like she was someone special, someone worth knowing, worth loving…
Or maybe she'd fallen in love with him because he treated her that way.
Kirsty felt an unpleasant rippling surge through her. What if the only thing that had attracted her to Kane in the first place had been the fact that he'd taken an interest in her when she'd been feeling unwanted? He'd come into her life at a time when she was being shunned and felt as though the world was against her. He'd made her feel good about herself, but Kirsty knew, in her heart of hearts, that love wasn't about how someone makes you feel about yourself. It was about how you feel about someone else, the person you're supposed to be in love with.
Maybe she wasn't really in love with Kane at all.
~ But everything happens for reasons that she will never understand ~
~ 'Til she knows that the heart of woman will never be found in the arms of a man ~
She screwed her eyes shut. No, she thought obstinately, of course she was in love with Kane. Of course she was. She had to be. She'd felt like she was in love with him, but she'd been very confused, admittedly… She couldn't bring herself to begin to contemplate how stupidly she'd behaved if she wasn't in love with him. She couldn't consider the possibility that she'd hurt her parents and her sister so that she could be with someone that she didn't even love…
And suddenly, the awful, damning truth finally dawned on her, openly mocking her. She'd become so caught up in the tragic romance of the situation that she'd forgotten the real reasons behind it. Forbidden love, a family at war, a Romeo and Juliet scenario… secret trysts, a hidden relationship… falling in love whilst stranded on an island… running away from home… Painful though it had undeniably been, it had also been hopelessly romantic. There'd been something exciting about defying the pleas and the warnings, and Kirsty was a person who lived for excitement.
~ And if she runs away she fears she won't be followed ~
~ What could be worse than leaving something behind? ~
~ And as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow ~
~ It's loneliness she finds… if only he was mine ~
At the core of the relationship had lain Kirsty's need to be needed and desired. Relationships weren't supposed to be about need. They were supposed to be about trust, and Kirsty knew that if they'd stayed together, she would never have been able to completely trust Kane. She'd always have that hesitancy at the back of her mind. She'd always keep the memories of what he did to Dani. And she'd worry that he might do it again, to another girl, or to Kirsty herself…
Relationships were supposed to be about commitment, too, and she'd known all along that she'd never be able to fully commit herself to Kane. Not unless she'd disowned her family.
Relationships were supposed to be about true love.
~ She must rinse this all away ~
~ She can't hold him this way ~
Kirsty felt as though she'd woken from a heady dream to find harsh, blinding light filtering through her bedroom window. A solitary tear slid down her cheek. She'd genuinely believed that she'd loved Kane, and yet now she realised that her feelings for him weren't substantial. The pain would lessen, and one day she'd find someone to fall deeply and truly in love with.
But for now, she had to live with the pain and humiliation of knowing that the intense emotions that she'd lived for the last few months had been a self-created sham.
~ She must rinse this all away ~
~ She can't love him this way ~