Full of Grace

Summary: The aftermath of Alex's brutal murder. Strong Jack/Alex friendship if not one-sided romance.

Spoilers: "Invaders" (season 16 finale)

Author's Note: There was that look on Jack's face. I had to write this. I might continue it if I get enough interest.

Jack McCoy should have known better. Nothing anyone could tell him would diminish his guilty feeling over Alexandra's murder. She was inexperienced. She had only been in homicide for a little over a year. The Andreas case was too much for her. She should not have been leading it alone. He should have taken it away from her. He knew Alex was stubborn, but it was in her best interest. At the very least, he should have made her work with him on it.

Maybe if he had, she would still be alive.

Jack sat down at his desk. The only light source in his office was coming from the lamp on his desk. He could not go home. Being relieved of his duty to prosecute Alex's murder was too much for him. He had to get a guilty verdict. No one wanted to win this case more than he did. He had to help her. He owed it to her for getting her killed in the first place. He failed her. He would never be able to forget that.

And that was exactly why he could not try the case. He knew that. If the case was not taken away from him at arraignment, he knew that Branch would have taken it from him. It would have probably been passed to Tracey Kibre. In the end, Jack knew he would not get to prosecute the case. It still hurt, though.

He still did not want to believe that Alex was gone. Her desk was still the same as it always was. She had two picture frames on it, one of her and her parents from her law school graduation and the other of her, Jack, and Branch from the D.A.'s office Christmas party. In both of those pictures, she was smiling. She was happy, confident. She was able to trust that everything was going to be ok.

He had betrayed that trust. "This isn't on you, Alex." That was the last thing he ever said to her. His last statement to her assured her that she would be safe in all of this. It was not her fault, and she would be safe. She probably believed him. She had no reason not to. He had assured her that she was going to be ok, and now look at her.

She was a body in the morgue. She had been horribly beaten. Blood covered her face from some wound near her hairline. Her face was badly bruised, as were her torso and lower abdomen. Blood covered her entire body. She was a victim. She was not the woman she wanted to be.

All she wanted to do was make things right. In many ways, she kept him in line. She knew what was lawfully right or wrong. She knew what was morally right or wrong. When she was bad, it bothered her. She did not have to say it, but Jack knew. He exhaled. Of all the ADAs he had lost during his tenure, this one was going to hurt the most. He was going to miss her. He did not want to accept that she was truly gone. It was too painful.

He exhaled again. Her funeral was scheduled for Monday at ten. He was unsure of what he was going to do about that. He knew he should go. He should pay respect to her, to her family. Of all the people in the D.A.'s office, he knew her the best. He took the time to know her on more than just a professional level. She was a good person, and he valued the friendship they shared.

On the other hand, attending her funeral would make her murder official. Sure, he could read the reports from the medical examiner. The report that detailed exactly how Alex died. He knew that already. She died alone in fear choking on her own vomit after the heavy beating she took. Once those men got to her, she did not stand a chance. Seeing her in the trunk of that car did not make her death real. Then it was too much of a shock. It had caused him to get sick in the woods. That was not real yet. Seeing the medical examiner's report also did not make it official. Reports like that were standard to him given his job description. The closest thing the report got to the real Alex was her height, weight, and age. The funeral and wake would be much different.

People who actually knew her would be there. They would be exchanging stories of their times with Alex. Inevitably, there would be crying. Her body would be lowered six feet under the ground. Then she would truly be gone. He did not know if he was ready to handle that just yet.

Wrapped up in his thoughts, Jack did not even hear the knocking at his office door. The knocking was a little louder before Jack picked up his head and acknowledged his visitor's presence. It was Branch. Jack did not say anything, but he gave his boss the signal to come in.

"How are you holding up?" Branch asked sincerely. While he would never admit it to anyone else in his office, Jack McCoy was one of his best prosecutors. If something was affecting him like this, it was something serious. He knew that Alexandra's murder was unfortunate. More than that, it was down right sadistic. He understood Jack's anger. However, he was not still lingering on the subject the same way Jack was. "Did you love her?" he asked simply.

Jack did not know how to respond to that. Did he love her? It was insane. She was so much younger than he was. He was older than her mother and the same age as her father. He had graduated from law school before she was even born. To suggest that he loved her…

But if he didn't love her to some degree, then why was he so affected by her death?

He did not know how to answer Branch's question.

Branch nodded. From that look on Jack's face, he knew. Jack did not have to explain anything. It was all too clear from his expression. "You should head home, get some rest," he said as he started heading for the door. "And remember, Alexandra's not gone unless you make her gone."