Oh, hey, hi strangers. Just a quick note to let you know I haven't write in ages. I won't elaborate on that, don't worry. It's not an excuse for anything. Just feel like getting that out of my chest for some reason. A friggin' video game got me out of my shell, hella cheesy, right?
Also, this is unbetad and English is not my first language so expect weird grammar and lots of errors. Sorry. That kind of pisses me off so if you feel like something is veeery out of place please let me know so I can rewrite or whatever. Each chapter will be titled after a song – original, aren't I? Don't know how long this will take. Don't know if I will finish it. But I sure need to get this story out of my head. Let me know what you think, please. Ok. And this is dark, it'll probably get darker, but I'm trying to get somewhere, I promise. Enough. Now let's roll.

Chapter 1: Nobody Praying for Me

"I'm a whisper lost upon wind

I'm the ember that will burn you down

I'm the water that will drown you

I'm a star that's just a black hole now

I'm a terrifying danger

I'm fruit decaying on the ground

I'm a swallower of anger

I'm the tree that falls and makes no sound

I make no sound…

'Cause if I stand up, I'll break my bones

And everybody loves to see a fall unfold

Ain't nobody giving up, 'cause nobody gives a fuck

Stand up and break my bones

Everybody wants what they just can't hold

There's nobody praying for me"

–Nobody Praying for Me, Seether

The walk to the lighthouse did help, no matter how stupid the idea might had seemed in the first place. She was doing fine. She was managing. Right up until that thing decided to remind her…

Only a ghost voice now…

"I'll always love you… Now, get out of here, please! Do it before I freak."

When Max Caulfield sees the blue butterfly alight on Chloe's coffin, she cracks a sad smile. It's not reassuring. It's not the grief giving room to some stupid closure – how the fuck could she find that now, while she hears Joyce's heart breaking, suffocating, exploding in each one of her desperate sobs? No. Max Caulfield knows she is the worst scum that has ever walked the Earth. A desperate fool. A stupid asshole. There's no indie moody music playing in the back of her head. She hears the ghost again, taunting her, reminding her… What did you expect, hippie? To leave the horror here, leave it all down here along with Chloe?

Suddenly, all she hears is just the fury.

Her knuckles go white as her hands turn into fists. Her whole body is tense now. She hates herself for many things right now but specially for actually wearing this stupid black dress her mother sent her. What was she doing? Who was she pretending to be? What kind of a show was she supposed to put on? Did she really expect to live the rest of her life hiding in lies?

The lie that she never was a God of Time.

The lie that she couldn't do anything.

The lie that she never felt Chloe's lips against hers.

The lie that she didn't walk through Hell and back for her just to be a coward in the end and accept that it was all for nothing.

The lie that she is attending her childhood friend's funeral –

the lie that it is not the love of her life in that casket.

The lie that she could go on after all of this.

The lie that she is not to blame.

But this is what's supposed to happen. It is how it goes in the movies, right? A character stays reasonable in the end and they say "It's for the greater good". That was Chloe this time. The everyday hero. But Chloe just wanted a simple thing: to keep her mother alive, save everyone, including Max. And Max… Max just wanted to hold her and never let her go and spend eternity in bed with her and paint a big damn obscene FUCK YOU along the face of the Earth so all the Gods of Time could see she doesn't give a fuckity fuck about Destiny. She ends up with the right choice, instead, for that greater good who always prevails in fiction no matter who falls. She let the other half of her soul die alone, in a dirty cold bathroom, thinking everyone had abandoned her, believing she was not loved through time and space like no human being has been loved before. And Max, she knows, she feels that she killed a half of herself there, too. Oh, but she had to, right? Because of course the Universe, God, Buddha, the fucking Force from Star Wars or whatever the hell is out there wanted a teenage girl dead and now that she is, everything can come back to normal. Max wonders how is she supposed to live a normal life assuming that notion. How hella cheesy and friggin' lame can that be?

And now the butterfly. It mocks her. It's laughing in her face.

"…all those moments between us were real, and they'll always be ours."

No, they were not real in this timeline, Max thought. You never got to see me again. I never got to make you laugh and smile. And you died thinking I had abandoned you. And I let that happen. Where's my monster, my dark passenger? Please come.

"Max, you okay?" Warren's whisper in her shoulder is very far away, it doesn't reach the depths of Max's irrepressible anger. Madness can take me and lay me on the ground, just like in my nightmares…

Chloe in the car. Looking at her when she thought Max wouldn't notice. Max's stomach feeling like a roller coaster, and not because of the fight with Nathan.

I am going mad.

Chloe in the pool. Looking at her like she never left, like she never broke her heart and poked the wound for five years. Max's legs going numb, Max thankful for being in the water so she wouldn't fall to Chloe's feet and hold her legs and cry and ask for mercy because she knew what this was, she knew and it was the unstoppable force.

I am going mad, certainly. I could go all Hamlet on everyone right now… I remember from English class that scene where he says "I loved Ophelia. Forty thousand brothers could not, with all their quantity of love, make up my sum." I AM GOING MAD.

Chloe soaking wet. Carrying her to the lighthouse. Looking at her with pure devotion. Fuck Arcadia Bay. Fuck saving the world. Fuck the heroes. Just her skin. Her scent. Her tongue dancing with hers. Max wanting nothing else but to kiss her forever. To run away with her. To lay in bed with her. To undress her. Touch her. Be inside of her.

That… won't…. happen…

Ever.

Chloe's dead.

I'm burying her.

I am going mad.

I am going mad.

I AM GOING MAD.

"Max?" Warren again, this time with a hand on her shoulder. And maybe it is the physical contact, maybe it is the stream of images that won't stop tormenting her, but Max decides it is time to stop fighting the monster. She becomes the monster.

"Get her out of there! GET HER OUT!"

Everybody gasps as they see Max pounding on the casket, hard, while she screams like she wants to part the air in two. The priest stops his rambling and just stands there with his mouth open staring like an idiot. So does Principal Wells. Warren freaks out, steps back, Kate is the one that tries to hold her, but Max is stronger.

"This is all wrong! This is WRONG! This is not what I wanted!"

Joyce pleas for David to do something. He steps up and grabs her. Warren doesn't look. Kate cries. Victoria holds her breath because she knows if she does try to breath, she'll cry, too. And she'll scream Nathan's name and will ask why to nobody. And this is not about her.

In the distance, Frank mutters an incredulous fuck. Then he thinks about Rachel. He feels like Arcadia Bay has run out of air. He knows what Max is doing. Even if he doesn't know her. He turns away and just leaves, Pompidou follows, barks happily, stops when Frank doesn't pet him.

"Max, please, calm down–", David arms are strong, but his words still don't reach.

Max scratches, bites, keeps screaming.

"JUST LET ME GO!"

"Please Max, I don't want to hurt you!"

"You don't know what you're doing! WE NEED TO STOP IT!"

David is now lifting Max in the air with his hands around her waist, trying to get her away from the coffin while Max kicks it. They fall to the ground, and before David grabs her again, Max feels two warm hands holding her face.

"Max, honey. Max. Look at me."

It's Joyce's voice. Awfully calm. Even when her eyes are red and her whole body is trembling.

Max shuts her eyes, grips Joyce's hands, refuses.

"I can't do this, Joyce. I thought I could. I can't… I'm… so sorry"

"Come here, honey. Come."

Joyce offers her hand and helps Max on her feet. She doesn't let go, embraces Max quickly and holds the girl against her chest.

Max feels like the monster is finally letting her find her own voice. She gives up.

"I feel like dying, Joyce…"

"I know kid, I know."

Joyce tightens her embrace, if that is possible. They let silent tears fall, together.

They stand there for long minutes. All that there is to hear are repressed sobs and uneven breaths. The birds sing. The tide is calm. Joyce finally makes a nod to the priest, who gives the order to lower the casket.

Joyce takes Max's face in her hands and forces her to meet her eyes. She smiles, softly.

"It's you and me now, Max. We need to let her rest."

Max shakes her head, tears renewed.

"No… no…"

Joyce doesn't let go. Her grip is firm. Like a mother's. One you cannot break. Ever.

"And then we'll rest, I promise, kid. I promise."

Max screams. Long, hard, she breaks her voice. Joyce holds her in place and covers Max's eyes with her hand so she doesn't have to look. Joyce stands still as Max's tears wet her hand. Joyce watches as her baby girl, the best thing she had ever done in her life, is lowered into the ground right by her first husband, the love of her life.

Max doesn't understand how the tears can pass through her wide shut eyes. Maybe, if she tries hard enough, she can appear elsewhere. She can flee this nightmare. Then she remembers the nightmare, the real one, the darkness. She knows now that she never got out. This is the rest of her life.

Max tries one last time. Going back. Forcing the Universe under her command. She brings her hand forward, wishes with all the strength she has left in her body. She can't rewind though. But she does get a nosebleed and her whole body feels the pain.

She passes out in Joyce's arms right when the sun is painting a beautiful sunset over the bay and Chloe Price's body is lowered into the earth for good.