Welcome to tonight's shot; it's dramatic and even a little suspenseful and contains a trigger warning so read with caution.
Legal: I do not own and am not associated with DeGrassi in anyway.
Important things to know before reading:
*The idea for this was inspired by, but not based on, the movie Shaded Places
*Takes place two years after Clare's class graduated from DeGrassi
*Drew and Becky broke up before grad
*The rest is explained in the shot so enjoy
All the Ways You Drove Me so Insane
I still wasn't sure why I was driving up this mountain in the middle of nowhere; so much in the middle of nowhere the GPS had stopped working about five kilometers ago. Was it my unyielding curiosity as a journalism student? Perhaps loyalty despite the fact that Alli and I hadn't spoken since I graduated from DeGrassi. Needless to say when I got the invitation in the mail to meet her today up at a cabin that's in the same general area as our cabin I decided I should come. Alli said very little in her invitation other than she really wanted me to come, told me the day and place and luckily included a map because the GPS could not find me in all these trees. Having previously studied the map thoroughly, because journalism school taught me to be prepared as possible, I was navigating okay without having to check the map.
After a long and winding road to the top of this mountain I see a roof, as I come over the crest I see the cabin, it's much larger than ours. The cabin is at least three times the size of ours, maybe four and it sits on more land. Aside from the cabin there's a large barn and another outbuilding. Most of the trees have been cleared right at the top so there's open land and sun but there is one big oak tree with a swing hanging down from one branch. I see another car and the door to the cabin is open so I park and get out of the car. I grab my bag from the trunk, the wood steps to the porch creek a little as I walk up them.
"Hello?" I call in as I enter. I hear footsteps in the cabin but they're heavy and I'm incredibly surprised to see Drew come around the corner. He's just as surprised to see me.
"I got an invitation from Alli to meet her up here," Drew explains.
"So did I, have you seen her?" I question.
"No but I've only been here a few minutes, honestly I was kind of questioning what I was even doing here. She didn't say anyone else would be here," Drew comments.
"She didn't tell me anyone else would be here either. Then again I haven't really talked to her in three years," I reply.
Seeing Drew is beyond awkward, we didn't exactly finish our senior year on the best of terms. In fact he hated me after finding out that the baby wasn't his. Knowing he was staying in Toronto I opted to go to Columbia deciding Eli and I could work it out for our baby. I also hated that Drew was with Becky after Adam that just seemed so wrong but I decided it was better not to say anything. Our relationship didn't improve after he and Becky broke up just before prom. We managed to run student council without really seeing each other, be civil when we had to and didn't even say goodbye when I left graduation with Eli.
"So what do you think Alli wants after all these years?" Drew asks.
Before I can answer we hear a very loud motorcycle coming up the mountain. I've never known Alli to have an interest in motorcycles but she'll like almost anything if a guy is involved. Drew and I go to the porch to see a leather clad rider approaching on a black cycle but the rider is a male and definitely not Alli. The rider stops his bike and takes off his helmet, now Drew and I are just as surprised to see Dallas as we were each other.
"What in the hell are you guys doing here?" Dallas demands.
"I take it you got a mysterious invitation from Alli too?" I question.
"Yeah so where is she? I thought she might want to get back together but that's not why you two are here," Dallas comments.
"No way in hell," Drew replies.
"So what the hell are we doing here?" Dallas asks putting his helmet on the bike and comes to the porch.
"We don't know and we don't know where Alli is," I reply.
"She's not going to kill us all is she?" Dallas remarks semi joking.
"I doubt it but I haven't spoken to her since graduation," I reply.
"You guys looked around yet?" Dallas questions.
"I saw the living room and was debating leaving until Clare showed up," Drew says.
Drew shows us into the kitchen and the living room, shows us a pantry and another door he hadn't explored yet when we hear two cars pulling up. We all go out to the porch just in time to see Jenna and Jake get out of two separate cars.
"Jake what are you doing here?" I inquire of my stepbrother.
"What are any of us doing here?" Drew asks.
"I got an invite from Alli," Jenna says and Jake nods.
"We all did but our host is nowhere to be found. Just what in the hell is her plan? Why invite us all and then not show up?" I question getting agitated and then we hear two more cars coming up the drive. A red Miata and a black luxury car park behind Jenna and Jake's cars, Johnny gets out of the Miata and Dave out of the luxury car. "All of us except for Jake have spent significant time with Alli. Jenna and I were her best friends in high school and four of you are ex-boyfriends but she only had one kiss with Jake at the cabin, well that I'm aware of," I remark.
"That was it we've never done anything else or really spent any time together aside from that night," Jake responds.
"So why'd you come?" Dallas inquires.
"Because her invitation begged me to," Jake responds defensively.
"What are any of us doing here? It's July it's hot and those clouds look like a storm is coming," Jenna comments and I look up at the gathering storm clouds, they pretty much reflect my mood right now.
"It's going to start raining let's get inside and figure it out from there," Jake commands.
"So where's Alli?" Johnny asks.
"That's the million dollar question," I reply.
"I don't suppose anyone thought to go shopping at the store down the mountain?" Jake questions just as the sky opens up and we're deluged with rain.
"Looks like Alli did," Dave comments opening a cabinet just as there's a very loud and very close thunder clap. It rattles the windows and startles us all.
"Let's get out of here," Dallas responds walking for the door but Jake catches his arm.
"You hear that? It's pouring outside and we came up on a winding dirt road, it's nearly dark you'll never make it down the mountain. We're stuck here; we need to make sure the windows are all closed," Jake orders taking charge.
"I'm not wandering this cabin alone," Jenna speaks up.
"Fine teams of two, I'll go with Jenna," Jake says.
"Drew and I will take the first floor," Dallas speaks up.
I shrug taking Dave and Johnny by the hands and we walk upstairs while the other four take the first floor and possibly the basement. Johnny finds the light switch in the upstairs hallway and turns it on. I count seven doors and a stairway to a third level.
"Alli we're all here this isn't funny," Dave calls into the hallway but there's no answer.
"One of us should check the third floor," I comment.
"I'll go if Alli's waiting up there to stab me then I'd prefer to die early," Dave comments in a cynical and sardonic tone.
He runs upstairs and I start opening doors to make sure all the windows are closed. Johnny begins at the other end of the hall but the cabin is all closed up. Dave comes down the stairs and says there's a couple of rooms are up there but the windows are closed. When we get back to the kitchen Drew and Jake are already cooking. With Drew in the kitchen I go to the living room sitting with Johnny, Dave, Dallas and Jenna.
"Maybe she got caught in the storm and she'll come up in the morning," Jenna comments.
"Has anyone tried calling her?" Dallas questions.
"Does anyone have her current number?" I inquire and everyone shakes their head.
"There's no cell service here anyway," Johnny comments getting out his cell and looking at it.
"So uh where does everyone live and what's everyone doing now?" Dave asks when the silence becomes uncomfortable.
"I work for New-York magazine," Johnny says.
"I'm about to start my senior year at Columbia," I respond.
"Still with Eli?" Dallas asks.
"I think I'll go see if Drew and Jake need help," I reply rather than get into that topic.
I find plates and silverware and set the table, it's just pasta and sautéed veggies but we're all starving. We eat in silence until the power goes out, we can't eat in the dark, and we can't all eat holding our cell phones so we use the cell phones as flashlights. We find matches and a couple of candles, Jake brings firewood up from the basement and starts a fire so we take out plates and eat in the living room.
"Well I think this party is pretty much dead and I just want to get the hell out of here so I'm going to grab myself a room and get to bed," Dallas comments after we eat and without helping to clean up. The rest of us do clean up before we go upstairs to claim rooms for the night.
"There's two rooms in the attic I'm taking one of those," Dave says.
"I'll take the other," Drew remarks looking at me like he just wants to be as far away from me as possible.
That's just fine with me I want to be as far away from him as possible. Drew goes upstairs and I take the first room on the left since I know it has an on suite washroom, having looked at the rooms earlier. I get ready for bed, get in bed and watch the storm outside but I can't sleep I have this eerie feeling and I can't help wondering why Alli isn't here yet. I watch the storm and eventually fall asleep as the storm begins to quell. I wake with a start a few hours later, it's almost one in the morning but I can't get back to sleep. It's no longer raining so I put on my shoes and jeans and a sweater over the camisole I wore to bed. When I get downstairs and out to the porch I find I'm not the only one that can't sleep.
"You too?" I ask sitting next to Johnny on the outside bench.
"Not a wink, I thought about just getting in my car but the roads are mud. If it doesn't rain again we might be able to get out of here in the morning, I don't think Alli's showing up. This seems to be a cruel joke just to get us all in one place. Although I really only know you, Jenna and Dave so I'm not too sure what I'm doing here but you seem to have a fairly considerable history with everyone," Johnny comments.
"Including you?"
"Yeah me too, I dated Alli for a while and you were her closest friend. You've changed a lot since you were fourteen, I'm not surprised you got into Columbia though," Johnny says.
"I almost didn't go," I admit looking at the large barn as something catches my eye.
"Why not?" Johnny asks.
"Did you see that?"
"See what?"
"A moving shadow in the barn," I reply getting up to go see what it is.
"Clare wait it's probably just a rat," Johnny calls following me.
"It was too big to be a rat," I shake my head pulling open the old barn door and it creaks as I open it.
"A cat then or a horse," Johnny says putting his hand on my back as we enter the barn.
"No it wasn…" I freeze when I do see what cast the shadow, hanging from the rafter by a rope around her neck is Alli's lifeless body swings in the cold empty barn. I gasp, my heart pounds, my eyes fill with tears and when my body forces itself to take a breath, "AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!"
I turn around hide in Johnny's chest, he holds me tight, I feel his head looking down. He's hiding too; it's a sight neither of us wants to see. Apparently my scream was loud enough to wake some of the others as I hear pounding feet and people calling.
"Clare? What the he…" Jake starts but they all freeze when they see her. I'm still crying and screaming against Johnny's chest, I hear Jenna start crying and the boys saying a few choice swear words.
"Dave and Drew take the girls into the house. Johnny, Dallas find a knife or something we'll cut her down," Jake orders taking control again.
I feel a hand take my arm and pull me from Johnny, I know it's Dave only because I know it's not Drew's touch. He puts an arm around me guiding me to the house because I still can't see anything. Jenna stops before she even makes it to the house vomiting into the dirt. Dave and I go into the house, I sit on the sofa shaking and sobbing, Dave brings me some water just as Jenna and Drew come back in. Jenna and I sit close together crying on each other while the guys make a fire. The one question on my mind is I'm sure the one on their minds. Why? Why would Alli call us all here and then kill herself?
Dave sits next to Jenna and Drew sits in an armchair, neither of them are crying just shocked and silent. My head is beginning to pound after so much crying and I take a deep breath forcing my crying to slow before I make myself sick the way I'm crying. I'm still blubbering a little when the others come in but at least I can breathe and see now. My head is still pounding but Johnny hands me more water and sits on the arm of the sofa next to me. Dallas sits on the floor by the fire and Jake in the other armchair.
"What did you do with her?" Drew asks.
"Wrapped her in a tarp and put her in the barn when the sun comes up we'll find a ranger station and call the cops," Johnny answers.
"Why would she do this? Why would she invite us all here and then kill herself so we can find her? If she wanted us to bear witness to it why not just shoot herself when we all got here?" Dallas growls in anger but I hear the undertones and sadness in his voice.
"Because she's selfish Alli's always been selfish it's always all about her," Drew snarls pounding his fist into the arm of the chair. I see the anger but I also see the tears of pain that follow.
"It's not true, how can you say that it's not true," Jenna spits at Drew.
"It is true Jenna you know it's true, Alli was selfish she liked everything to be about her, she liked drama but she could also be a great friend. She was smart and she could be really kind and considerate and supportive," I speak up.
"She was smart but she was dumb as ever when it came to boys," Jake remarks.
"Yeah," Drew nods.
"Yep," Dave agrees and Johnny nods.
"That's for damn sure," Dallas agrees.
"That's funny from all of you considering the four of you dated her," I comment.
We've stopped crying for the most part, a few tears still run down some of our cheeks but we're calmer now, calmer but silent. I'm not sure about the others but I'm thinking about my time with Alli, the times she's been there for me and wondering why she decided she was done and suicide was her only way out.
"Why did she get us all here?" I question after a long time of silence.
"We went over that because she's selfish," Drew responds.
"No why us? Why specifically the seven us? Why not Sav or Connor or K.C.? Why all of us and specifically us?" I question.
"Who knows? Who knows why Alli ever did anything?" Dave comments and we go silent again.
Jake gets up and goes into the washroom that's just off the living room. Jenna gets up muttering something about trying to find some tea. I get up and stand by the fire, I suddenly feel like I'm freezing. When Jake comes out of the washroom he throws another log on the fire and puts his arm around me.
"Guys I found these in the pantry," Jenna tells us coming in with a handful of envelopes. "There's seven each of our names is on one," Jenna says before handing an envelope to each of us.
"It's from Alli," Johnny remarks looking at his letter, "she blames me for pressuring her into sex and says every bad decision she's ever made concerning boys is my fault."
"She blames me for abandoning her after graduation. Says I was too caught up in my relationship with Connor," Jenna tells us after looking at her letter.
"She blames me for Leo, can you believe that? Blames me for getting her addicted to caffeine pills and kicked out of MIT," Dallas says after looking at his letter.
"She's angry at me for cheating on her, for breaking up with her, for not being around after Adam's death and senior year," Dave summarizes his letter.
"Mine is pretty much the same as yours," Drew says.
"She blames me for the kiss, for losing her friendship with you for a time, she says I took advantage of her and turned you against her," Jake comments but he's looking at me when he says this. I open my letter but there's only two lines.
You left to have your baby and live happily with Eli and forgot all about me. You weren't there when I needed you most.
I tell the others what it says and we're all silent again. Alli's blaming us, all of us for events going back to grade nine and presumably resulting in her eventual downfall.
"When did she get kicked out of MIT?" Jenna asks Dallas but he only shakes his head.
"I don't know I haven't spoken to her in over almost two years. I followed her to Cambridge, got a job went to college but she never had time for anything. She was always in class or doing homework and started on caffeine pills again, she wouldn't stop we had a huge fight and I broke up with her, went home to Guelph," Dallas shrugs.
"I'm guessing you stopped talking to her after fleeing to New York to have the baby and be with Eli?" Drew asks with a bitter tone. "Did you still name him Adam? What is he now? Two? Three?" Drew inquires practically growling with anger but all I can do is look down. Jake leads me to the sofa, his arm tightly around me as the tears fall fresh.
"The baby was still born at 34 weeks," Jake informs them and the room goes silent again.
"I'm sorry Clare I didn't know," Drew apologizes looking sorry.
"No one did; no one besides my family and Eli's. We both broke down but Eli lost it, he had a major bipolar breakdown and was sent to a mental hospital. I haven't spoken to him since, I pretty much cut off everyone I was related to by blood or marriage," I admit.
"No one can blame you for that; you lost a child and your first love. Even I heard about the epic romance between you two," Johnny says putting his hand on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry for how things ended up between us, I really wanted it to be son," Drew tells me and I give him a small smile.
"I'm sorry for telling him it was Eli's, and for telling Drew he was a rebound to you," Dallas confesses with a tone of regret.
"You told him he was a rebound? Why?" I hiss at Dallas.
"I don't know, I really don't it was dumb, I'm dumb you know that," Dallas replies.
"I'm sorry for kissing Alli, and for not kicking your ass after you kissed Clare," Jake speaks up.
"I'm sorry for cutting everyone off after what happened," I atone.
"I miss Adam, he'd be so level headed even in this situation," Drew says.
"Adam, I think losing Adam was the thread that began to unravel us all that knew him," I comment and Jenna, Dave, Drew, Dallas and even Jake nod.
"The suns up we should go down to the ranger station," Dallas says pointing out the window.
"We have to make sure the roads aren't still mud, most of our cars won't make it down if they're mud," Jake remarks.
Jake, Dallas, Jenna and Dave get up to go outside and look the roads. I get up to get some water from the kitchen.
"Clare I am sorry, Becky and I were a mistake, we were trying to hold onto a piece of Adam in each other," Drew tells me.
"I think you and I were doing the same honestly but I did enjoy our time together," I smile.
"You know Johnny likes you, I saw it in his eyes the minute he saw you," Drew tells me.
"You think so?" I question biting my lip and looking at Johnny still in the living room.
"I think you should ask him how he's getting back to New York, a nine hour drive is a long time to get to know each other," Drew grins. I smile and bite my lip, Drew turns to go upstairs and I grab his arm.
"I think enough time has passed we could be friends. Maybe have lunch together the next time I'm in Toronto?"
"I'd like that," Drew smiles. I release his arm and he goes upstairs while I go back to the sofa and sit next to Johnny.
"So how are you getting back to New York?" I inquire.
"I was going to drive back, a leisurely drive since I don't have to be back until Monday," he replies.
"I borrowed my mom's car to get up here, I was going to take the train but if you wouldn't mind the company maybe I could ride back with you?"
"I'd love the company," Johnny smiles just as Jake and the others come back in and say the road is clear. We get dressed or changed, pack up and all go out to our cars, Dallas to his motorcycle.
We make one caravan down the road and follow Jake to the ranger station at the bottom. We tell them what happened and where Alli's body is, we have to repeat it all to the cops and give them her letters to us. We also have to leave our numbers in case they have more questions. We drive back to Toronto separately but meet at The Dot for lunch, it brings back a lot of memories, it's still full of kids and we sit in the café for over two hours talking and sharing memories, mostly of Alli but of other things too. I hug them all goodbye, we exchange numbers and e-mails and talk about staying in touch. Johnny tells me he'll pick me up in a couple of hours and I drive home to return Mom's car, Jake follows me to see our parents, only they aren't home when we get there but we go into the house anyway.
"Jenna asked me to come to her place in Tennessee, stay for a weekend, she wants me to do some work on it," Jake informs me.
"She likes you, I think you guys would be good together," I smile.
"Should I give the big brother talk to Johnny?" Jake chides.
"No that won't be necessary, but it is the first time in a long time I feel that spark with anyone," I grin. "I think she wanted us together, I don't know why she really killed herself, I'm sure in a lot of ways she blames us but she brought us together. We've all re-connected or made new connections. What she did, whatever the reasons it brought us all together, to get through it and move forward together."