A/N- This is a quick oneshot I managed at eleven at night. As I was writing it, I seriously couldnt stop laughing, because it's so ridiculous. Take it seriously if you want to, and please reveiw for the hell of it! Rated T for attempted sex and...*snicker* gnome murder. Just...just read it.
The strong smell of coffee lingered in the air, pushed through the halls by the ever soft breeze of the fan. It carried through the cozy little house, making its way under the cracks of the bedroom doors, filling your nostrils with the bitter smell of the brew. The scent didn't just come to you though, it also poured from the mug in Tweek's ever shaking hands. The mug was gripped in his warm palms so tightly, he had acquired cherry red marks from never parting with his cup.
He sat perched on the end of his bed, sheets and blanket promptly spread across the mattress, pillows set into a perfect upright position. No doubt his mother had decided, once again, that her sons constant shaking didn't help the least with housework, and tidied his room.
Tweek tried constantly to help, but always ended up faulting in some way. His parents understood, and gladly helped out, handing him yet another glass of the intoxicating brew. There was no doubt he was addicted, the mug almost never leaving his lips, but when the occasion came for him to set it aside, there was always the stores portable cups that came in handy.
He brought the dark liquid up to his mouth and took a long chug, before glancing over at the small couch near his closet. In his head he counted the pairs of boxers in the towering pile of underwear, until he got over fifty, and took another sip of coffee. The warmth slid down his throat, and he sighed, constantly craving the feeling. His eyes narrowed as he was forced to tilt the cup further back, forcing the last drops the slip onto his tongue. Hungrily licking his lips, he eyed the other steaming mug on his dresser, not yet claimed. Making up his mind that the absence of the fresh coffee wouldn't be noticed, he leaped towards the smell and brought it up to his nose. Tweek allowed his eyelids to shut at the smell he considered, more or less, the sweetest thing on earth. Just as he began to sink into yet another glass, he jumped at the sound of his door slamming shut, making the walls shake. The coffee washed over the rim of the mug, followed by it falling to the floor, shattering.
"GAH! C-Craig you s-scared me." Tweek stammered, leaning down to collect the porcelain shards. He quickly stood up, a little too quick, and slid on the spilt liquid. Craig allowed a sly smile to creep up on his face, but offered a hand. Tweek glared, but took the outstretched hand and allowed his small body to be pulled from the ground without effort. Tweek's hands instantly went to his ass, where he had landed. The wetness made him turn an unnatural shade of pink, as he twisted to see the damage. "S-shit!" He exclaimed, seeing the brown patches seeped into his light grey skinny jeans.
"Well, it does appear so." Tweek turned a darker pink at his words, and looked at Craig who had a thoughtful finger on his chin. "Well, that's unfortunate." He stated blankly. Tweek wiped his moist hands against his legs, and sighed.
"You're early." Craig raised an eyebrow.
"And, your point?" He questioned, flinging himself onto the bed. Tweek tried to think of a reason why he wouldn't want him here early, and when none crossed his mind, he shrugged. "So Tweekers, what'd you want me for again?" Tweek rolled his eyes at the lame nickname, and pried Craig's legs from the cushion, sitting in the small space given.
"Well, I already told you, re-remember? I wanted you to help me with m-my problem." Tweek bit down on his lip, trying to stop the stutters.
"Tweek, coffee addiction isn't something I can help you with-"
"No! GAH! The...the gnomes." Tweek tried desperately to keep the last part a whisper, but it had come out louder than expected. Craig just stared at him, not moving.
"The gnomes." He asked, almost stating it. "You want me to help you with your gnome problem." Tweek nodded quickly, throwing his shaky arms in the air.
"GAH! Yes! Keep your voice down, th-they might h-hear you." Tweek growled, eyeing ever corner of the room nervously. When he noticed that the door was unlocked, he sprang from the couch to turn the lock. He stood facing the door, listening for any small movements. It was completely silent, exempt for the small mumbles coming from across the hall, where his parents were no doubt debating on further coffee pricing. With a sigh of relief, he spun back to look at Craig, who had just seemed to notice he was sprawled across a pile of underwear.
"Dude..." Craig seemed to question an explanation, picking up a blue striped pair of boxers. "What the hell." Tweek swiped the item from his hand, and held it in front of Craig's horrified face.
"We...we NEED these things- GAH! If-if we wanna catch the..." He instantly clenched his teeth before continuing. "The gnomes." Tweek tried to put all seriousness into the last part, but Craig couldn't help the giant grin plastered on his face. He waved a hand at his twitching friend, and shook his head.
"Tweek, what the hell is this?" He asked. Tweek glanced around.
"Wh-what is what?" He demanded, trying to sound mad.
"This. Why'd you actually want me here, Tweek?" Craig cocked his head, throwing his arms behind his head. "Hmm?" Tweek stared at him hopelessly, before grabbing another pair of boxers.
"I already told you! I need your help to stop the g-gnomes from taking my-my goddamn underwear!" Tweek basically screamed, flailing his arms. He sighed, and dropped his head. "I knew it was hopeless-" When his arms hit his side, he felt two cold hands take his, and yank him down to the couch. "GAH!" Craig forced Tweek into a position where he could easily cradle his shaking body in his arms. "W-what are you-" He was silenced by a pair of cold lips caressing his, muffling his yelp. For the first in a long time, Craig tasted something against his pallet that wasn't a toxic smoke, or the aftertaste of ash. The coffee tinted saliva filled his mouth, and made his senses go into overdrive. While on the other side, Tweek sat in his captures arms, eyes closed tight, not knowing what else to do. When he felt Craig's lips pull apart from his, he bit down on his tongue to stifle a scream. They sat in silence before Craig wrapped an arm around Tweeks neck, pulling him up to his face.
"I'll be your gnome and take your underwear, all you had to do was ask." He whispered, before biting down on Tweek's earlobe. He shoved his way from Craig's tight arms, only to stare at him in horror.
"I...I was being serious-"
"And so am I." Tweek flinched at his uncharacteristically seductive tone, and pulled further from him, falling to the ground. He got up with a moan, but was forced back against the wood by the body sitting on his chest. Craig moved in slowly towards the trembling lips, before crushing them together once more. Instead of feeling violated, Tweek felt and overwhelming feeling of desire that came upon him against his will.
Craig was more than delighted when the kiss was returned, and a small tongue probed at his lips. Gladly, he allowed Tweek entry to his mouth, savoring the taste of stale coffee. He slid a hand under the already poorly buttoned shirt, and twisted one of the smaller boys nipples. Tweek let out a sharp shriek, but not from the volt of pain, but by the small shadow moving across the darkened room. He tried to yell, but Craig only took this as permission for more, and toyed with the button on his pants. When Craig's overly ripped pants were tossed aside, he began fiddling with Tweak's tight jeans, struggling to strip them from his nervous body. Again, Tweek tried desperately to scream, but it only filled their collided mouths with a delicious fume. He watched in utter pleasure as the shadow made its way across the room, dragging something quickly across the floor. The second Craig parted to bite down on Tweek's exposed shoulder, he sprang up.
"C-Craig! The-the gnomes!" He shouted, pointing frantically to the escaping figure. Tweek looked into Craig's pale eyes, overcome with lust. "Craig!" When he didn't respond, Tweek angrily kneed Craig's erection, which made both boys shriek at the contact.
"Ah...what the fuck-"
"Get up! The gnomes, their getting away! Craig-" He was cut of by a semi muffled scream. Craig was sprawled across the wood, kicking and yelling at the shadows attacking his clothes.
"What the fuck is this! Get them off!" Tweek watched the scene, not knowing what to do. Craig sat trying to push the small beings from his legs, who were pulling harshly at the pale blue boxers, now around his ankles. Shading his eyes from Craig's exposed lower half, he flung his foot at one of the attacking gnomes, flinging him across the room. His foot then collided with another, attempting to flee from the mortified boy. Not having much else to do, Tweek reached towards the couch, flinging handfuls of the boxers into the air.
"Have your underwear! GAH! Have them all! Leave me alone-" His panicked voice was cut off by a sharp pain in his foot, escalating by the second. "GAH!" Tweek fell onto Craig's lap, seeing the once white sock overcome with blood. The small redheaded creature that held the knife in both hands was glaring up at the horrified boy, bringing the blade across his red tunic, smearing it with blood. Tweek cursed through clenched teeth, holding onto his limb with shaking hands. Just as his vision began to get groggy, the pain shooting through his veins like rockets, he snapped awake to the sound of a loud crunch.
"You mother fucking bastards!" Tweek watched as a floorboard was turned into a murder weapon, pounding on the small bodies, slamming them into a bloody pulp. "Don't take my fucking underwear!" Craig grunted, bringing the board down on another miniature victim. The small cries that echoed through the small room made Tweek cover his ears, and began to scream.
"My god Craig! Don't kill the gnomes, they'll- GAH! They'll want revenge-"
"They can take their so called revenge, and stick it up Cartman's fat, hairy ass-" He howled, as the silver blade nicked at his shin. Tiny laughter bounced off the walls, as they watched helplessly as the last gnome ran from their presence, and propped open the heating vent. He turned back to look at the damage, and then slid down the metal pipe.
Tweek continued his fit of hysteria, spewing utter nonsense. Craig reached across the bloody mess, and grabbed a fistful of underwear, pressing it tightly to his knee. He stared at the temporary bandage, slowly filling the colors a dark red. Tweek finally stopped blabbering when Craig's moan filled his ears.
"Hey Tweekers?" He looked up, concerned by the strained tone to the usually harsh voice. Craig let out a sigh as he pulled the boxers from the gash on his legs, seeing the blood had stopped. He shook his head, managing a faint smile. "You really do have a gnome problem."