I Want To Hold Your Hand
Chapter 1
1967 is a year of change. The Vietnam War persists, and such strategies as "Operation Deckhouse Five" are bought and sold to the general public, but not to the Vietnamese public, who are war torn and starving. The age of generations past, of conservatism and artistic stiflement, ebb away, and the new movements begins. The era that celebrates Jimi Hendrix's album "Are You Experienced" or San Francisco's Summer of Love. Civil strife peaks, race riots happening seemingly daily, people searching for equality, for their so called god given rights as humans on this earth. And in a little town, a young girl begins another year of high school, another era in her own years, and a year that will change her life forever.
Prudence idly sketched on the surface of her desk as the talking head droned on and on about class rules, locker assignments, and expectations. Pushing her long black silk hair behind her ear, she caught the admiring look of Carl Spence, who'd crushed on her since the second grade. He also had bugs bunny teeth and connect-the-dot acne, which by the basic laws of physics decreed that he was doomed to love of a trobadour.
She turned toward the window and began to draw the last leaves of autumn, still clinging bravely to their branches, when Edie Hamilton finally made her entrance. She was adorable, with sunny blond hair, a smattering of freckles, and straight teeth. Mr. Debroe didn't even glace up at her entrance, so caught up in his orgasmic diatribe, so she slid into the desk saved by Prudence. When everyone settled back into listlessness, Edie whispered;
"Check it out," pulling at the collar of her conservative turtleneck she revealed a bright red hickey gleaming on her neck. Prudence shook her head but couldn't help but smile because Edie looked so happy and proud. She replied;
"So the sexual revolution had been hiding in the boy's bathroom all this time? How devious."
"Poor Lakeview High, you tried so hard to shelter the poor innocent students from the evil ways of liberal culture and still it snared us with it's technicolor tentacles, in the janitors closet by the way. Scandalous! John Grisham is so dreamy. And a great…" Edie wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.
Prudence captured the image of their frantic coupling in her mind, the soft cries and moans among brooms and mops just as they heard whispered "Whore!" coming from behind them.
Edie turned to see a dark haired boy with cruel eyes scowling. Edie just laughed, dismissing him with a wave of her hand. The Minister's son had always felt that it was his personnel calling to chastise all wrong doers of Lakeview High. He seemed to take a special interest in Edie, however, and she and Prudence whispered conspiratorially that he harbored weird sexual fantasies about her.
The bell rang loud and clear through the quiet classroom and students jumped up like Pentecostals praising the Lord, halleluiah amen. Prudence stacked her books and shoved them into her bag, as eager as the rest to reclaim the last bit of sunshine of the year. She fell into step with Edie and was just about to make it to the huge double doors of freedom when Edie grabbed her wrist and pulled her to the gym. Prudence struck out her arms in an exaggerated jumping jack so as to not enter the door. Rubbing her wrist she said;
"No! No no no! I hate cheerleading, always have. I hate the girls, I hate the skirts, I hate the leering men! Cant we please just…do soccer this year or something?"
Edie smiled patronizingly, " This is our per usual, huh? Every year you say you absolutely hate to cheer and every year everyone loves you cause your so talented and Asian and amazing. If I didn't know better I'd say you do this for attention. Now be a good little Jap and come along now so were not late to tryouts." And then added, "Charger pride!" Prudence laughed at the joke, her smile brightening her face beautifully, as she caught up with Edie who was jogging toward the collection of girls congregating by a basketball hoop.
Ms. Robinson was one of those poor overly made up individuals, desperately clinging to their youth, whose cover girl completion and simpering voice made her more like a Barbie doll than an actual person. And the effect was not lost on her students. As she clapped her hand at attention, several girls suppressed sniggers at her clashing pink and green pantsuit.
"Welcome back ladies! I'm hoping we've all had a great summer and are ready for a charger-tastic year!" She emphasized the term oft said by most of the staff at Lakeview High, honoring their exhausted mascot. She continued to ramble but Prudence lost all attention. Edie's hair cascaded past her shoulders, its bright blond high lights catching the light and reflecting it to create a halo that resembled the benevolent angels that graced Medieval Cathedrals. Prudence ached for her sketchpad, and resolved to memorize the image for her minds eye to be copied at home. She stood there for several minutes, slightly openmouthed when Edie turned and nudged her.
"I know I'm gorgeous but you staring is giving me the willies!!" she said good-naturedly.
"Oh..so-sorry." Prudence replied, still slightly caught in concentration. Upon realizing what Edie had said, however, her cheeks colored brightly pink. Her gaze immediately dropped to the floor, and when she raised it a few seconds later Edie laughed again, turning back her attention to Robinson. Prudence shook her head, trying to ignore her moistened palms and her quickened heartbeat. Again the coach clapped her hands and after a quick cheer of premature school spirit the girls were dismissed.
As they trooped across the sloping lawn of Lakeview campus, Edie caught one of the leaves that drifted to the ground and she began quartering it in her fingers, ripping the stem apart.
"I think Jeb Myers likes you." She began, dropping the molested leaf bits to the ground. "And you two would be an adorable couple! He's so tall and handsome and he's smart too."
"What are you, Lakeview's resident matchmaker?" Prudence replied, "Every year you try to hook me up with every goddamn Viking at this school. I'm 5'2 man, I'd have to cart around a step stool just to look him in the eye."
"Well sorry for taking an interest in your happiness! I thought that's what friends were for. And you don't seem to like ANYBODY! How many nice boys have you totally dismissed after one date? Poor things, you break their hearts. And what's got you today, huh? Take your bitch pills, already."
"I wish I knew what was wrong with me" Prudence replied with a dispirited sigh, "Maybe I'm destined to become Ms. Robinson who lives all alone but buys family size Wheaties to fool the fellow grocery store shoppers that she's happily married while she actually sits at home, clutching them to her breast and crying about lost opportunities."
Edie slung her arm around Prudence, squeezing her shoulder. "Don't worry about it, honey. You just have first day of school nerves. And as my personnel mission, I pledge to you that I will find that special someone that's gives you butterflies inside, that you will adore for all eternity, blah blah blah insert insipid Hallmark card phrase here." And then she added cheekily, "Although maybe not someone as sexy as Michael Ferguson…"
"You got over John Grisham quickly" Prudence replied as they stepped off the curb like a eight-limbed ameba.
"Oh you know, got to keep my options open."
They walked in silence for a few minutes and Prudence's feelings of nervousness returned. Her heart was beating so quickly and it felt like the last few feet had been the longest jaunt of her life. She couldn't remember Edie's shampoo ever smelling so good, like vanilla and strawberries, or the way her skin was so smooth and creamy. She had the strangest urge to further sniff that scent, to taste that skin, and the very notion scared the hell out of her. Edie had been her best friend since the dawning of time. They'd cried, laughed, slept over at each other's houses, and shared their deepest secrets millions of times and she'd never felt this way. They shortly came to walk before her house and Prudence felt her primeval fight or flight instinct squaring her shoulders. Clutching her bag to her chest she ran up the driveway, yelling a disconcerted "Bye! See you tomorrow!" over her shoulder in her haste to get into the warm, familiar protection of home.
She wrenched the front door open and bolted inside, almost bowling over her mother who had been innocently arranging flowers in the hallway. Among the startled shouts of Japanese she apologized profusely, straightening her skirt and arranging her long hair over one shoulder. Her mother walked away mumbling to herself and Prudence returned to the window, shifting the curtain slightly she caught the sight of Edie's retreating form. The green of the lawns contrasted with Edie's lazy blue jeans and she again got that urge to draw, no, to paint and capture the amazing colors of the world and Edie. She then berated herself because the need to sketch is what had gotten her into this mess from the beginning.
"What is wrong with me?" she moaned, slumping to the floor as the rays of the sun shifted downward, its orangey hues coloring the sky and had Prudence not been in such despair she would have felt the urge to paint them, too.
Chapter 2
In a typical family household the dinner table is the center of activity. It is familiar, the small children string dried macaroni for mommy, fathers rifle through bills over it, worry and desperation permanently wrinkling their brows, and the entire family sits around it for every dinner, to discuss the proceedings of the day, grades, plans. It is a basis of communication so fundamental it draws back to the time of campfires in the early human existence however many thousands of years ago. For Prudence's family, it resembled a battlefield.
Prudence's parents were a study of contrasts. Her father was a typical caucasian male. Long suffering for his family, he poured all his regrets into a 401k-retirement plan and golfed with his buddies to escape his jaded experience of work and home. Her mother was a mail order bride from Japan. She spoke perfect English, although she often pretended she didn't in order to mock her garden-variety neighbors, but in private moments she yearned for the world that she abandoned for the chance to join the huddled masses clinging to Lady Liberty's skirt trails. They promised themselves that they stuck together for their daughters sake, so they wouldn't become one of "those parents", but really they stayed because bitterness and resentment had become habit and thus comfortable.
"I think I want to attend art school over the summer" Prudence began suddenly, swirling the stringy spaghetti into starbursts across her plate. Her father looked thoughtful as he mopped up the watery marinara sauce with shocking white wonder bread,
"An artist, huh? Did I ever tell you that I minored in woodshop at the U? I did pretty well too, the professor--"
"So that's why you are the shame of your family? While your brother was attending law school and earning thousands for his family you played with little blocks of wood?" Prudence's mother interrupted, laughing bitterly. He looked dejectedly at his plate in silence and this angered her more because all she really wanted from him was a reaction, any reaction to prove that he was human. She was angry because his passiveness made her feel bad for being angry with him; it was as futile and frustrating as being angry with a small child.
Prudence glanced between them, at her mothers flaring nostrils and her father's stone expression, and excused herself from the table. She left her plate because her mother needed to exert her aggression and stubborn spaghetti clots would help. She climbed the completely ordinary staircase, her neighborhood of tract houses being too conservative and cookie cutter to afford any winding or narrow ones, to her bat cave. She sat crosslegged on the floor, staring out the window lost in thought. Did she dare admit that nasty little thought that lurked at the back of her mind, that she belonged to the creed that was welcome only in the hellish tirades of the minister?
To dare or not to dare.
Chapter 3
"I've given up on high school boys," Edie began, popping a grape into her mouth as they lounged in the mustard yellow lunch tables. "They are immature and frankly boring. I'm thinking...college!"
"You're going to college?" Prudence asked, "Were those lap dances for Mr. Gumner that effective?"
"Oh, very funny," Edie laughed, "no, I mean WE are going to go to the University campus this weekend and see if we can reel in any catches with our sexy…ness"
"Wow, I didn't think it was possible but you just made a fishing analogy when discussing sex. We've really reached an all time low here, babe."
"Oh I know! I feel so blasé!" Edie mock sobbed, "This is why we must got to college and stimulate our intellectual brain cells. If we don't try to cure this now next stop will be middle age with Jimbo. Sixteen kids on a Mormon commune and not even a pathetic romance novel to pass the time."
"Alright, alright, you've convinced me." Prudence relented, pelting Edie with a carrot that glanced just off her right shoulder. As she watched its progress Prudence became self-consience that she was looking again and all at once the atmosphere became quiet and reserved. She felt bad because Edie looked so lost and confused and it wasn't her's but Prudence's own fault. She was the one that had changed. Seconds lingered but then were abruptly halted when Prudence's vision suddenly went black as two large tanned hands covered her eyes from behind. The hands were connected to an equally large and tanned being whose warm chocolate eye's beamed jovially at the black haired creature before him who batted at his hands with muffled curses.
"Hey my babies, how is the clockwork spinning?" Kevin inquired as he smoothly slid into the seat beside Prudence. Kevin was one of those bused-in black kids, caught between Malcolm X pride and white supremacy, a transplanted jock who fell for Edie at first sight. Considering that the white kids barely tolerated his presence at Lakeview High he never went beyond chivalric obsession for Edie but with an effort that would make Petruchio proud, he became an indispensable alley to the girls and they adored him completely.
"Slowly" Edie replied, swatting an unbidden mosquito that flew lazily towards her face. Kevin pulled a cigarette from the pocket of bright blue corduroys, lit it and kindly offered a drag to Prudence who graciously accepted and then passed it to Edie. They all sat there sharing the hit and the afternoon, staring off into space, each to his own, lost in thought.
……………………………….
Some hours later they found themselves in front of a Pepto Bismol pink house off 13656 Baltic Avenue across the monopoly board to the Reading Railroad with glitter in their hair and neon paint on their nails. Prudence self consciencly adjusted the straps on her dull red sun dress all but feeling the heat of the dragon on her bare shoulders if her mother had seen her so scandalously clad in public. She looked meaningfully at Edie, who just smiled encouragingly back, just when the door burst open and a harassed looking girl clutching an expensive looking vase and ear of some goofy looking freshman answered the door, but her face immediately brightened upon seeing them at her party. Edie had briefly dated a star football player the previous year and among the dregs and aspiring socialites that gave her and Prudence royalty status.
The girl quickly discarded the vase and the boy, taking Edie's hand and welcoming them in, eyes furtively searching for any witnesses to her grand fortune of the year, popularity by association. They were sucked onto the smoky dance floor by the tide of drunken teenagers who surged and swayed to Red Crayola's Parable Of Arable Land and Prudence thought it was beautiful. Everyone was too caught up in their exploding senses, their flirt with the forbidden, their Bacchilian glee to notice the little things like skin color or sex or social standings. Everyone shared these moments and it was moments like these that made it seem like the human race wasn't so hopeless, that peace on earth and good will to all men are possible. She stood for a minute, her shoulders relaxed and her eyes closed swaying with the rest of them when Edie grabbed her wrist, pulling her toward the kitchen.
Bodies lounged against chairs and cabinets, laughing, kissing, or just talking, when Edie spotted one boy casually leaning against the marble buffet sipping a beer and watching the crowd. It wasn't his lean and well toned body or his flawless complection that caught her attention, as she scanned him shamelessly, but his air of complete confidence. He looked like he shouldn't belong but did anyway, just for the hell of it. Definitely not a high school student. She beelined toward him, leaving Prudence to find herself among the chips and empty beer cans. Edie momentarily felt her heart clench with nervousness, but then some girl puked all over herself and she was reminded that she was Edie Hamilton, Queen of Lakeview High and a bitch in control of her bad self. Grrrrrr.
"Hey there," she said smoothly, claiming the bottle from his grip and taking a sip. He turned brilliant blue eyes to her and smiled,
"I'm getting bored of this. Some friends of mine are congregating at the dark side of the moon, want to join?"
"Was Shirley Temple an underpaid and unappreciated childstar?" she replied. He laughed lightly and laced callused hands around her waist as she nuzzled his neck and followed him up the clotted stairs. As they passed, Prudence thought, "Attraction (n): When strange and reckless inclinations become normalcy".
The dark side of the moon turned out to be the master bedroom; a large canopied bed dominated the room and was surrounded by lesser furniture. A few unshaven guys littered the floor, passing a small cigarette between them and something told Edie that tobacco didn't fill it but the forbidden marijuana, reefer madness. That little ticket to twenty years to life hadn't quite left the burrows of the Underworld of Lakeview Society but was fast approaching as the bellbottoms, fondue, and sushi of California began to consume the town. Edie and Prudence had promised each other that among all the experiences that they would partake in this crazy new millennia, where boys shirked the duty of war and girls abandoned skirts for pants, they would stay away from drugs but as the cool stranger, which she would later learn to call Michael, took a drag between slender fingers he looked so sexy and alive and she just new that she had to try.
Pulling the smoke into her lungs she began to cough and hack immediately, water blurring her vision as she desperately tried to breath. And then it was over. Micheal patted her head encouringly, saying,
"Don't worry, that happens to everyone the first time."
They joined the group on the ground that had been momentarily fascinated by the ruckus that Edie had caused, but like five year olds had lost interest completely and had returned to smoking and giggling.
They sat there hour after hour as the night progressed, slowly getting more and more wasted, discussing anything from the Kennedys to Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey and everything in between and Edie fell completely and utterly in love. He was everything she wanted to be and she figured that if she stayed with him long enough it'd all rub off on her. She'd become something far surpassing her mother's limited expectations or her father's disinterest. A real live bohemian academic. And when they shared the sweet givings and receivings of mutual exploration it wasn't like the young boys that she had to guide, who were sloppy and unsure of themselves. He took her and she gave herself to him completely.
Chapter 4
Prudence woke some hours later curled under the coffee table with a headsplitting headache and the foul taste of liquor searing her mouth. An arm was draped across her thigh and a foot was shoved into her face, so she tunneled out, head tucked into the crook of her arm. The sun shined brightly through the windows considering someone had ripped down the tasteful salmon colored curtains the night before and was currently snuggling in them on the front lawn. Slowly getting to her feet, she rubbed sleep out of her eyes and wondered where Edie had gotten herself off to. She searched the first floor, kicking aside lifeless limbs and empty cans only to find Edie descending the stairs with her hair all dishevled and an inane grin dominating her face.
"I am a goddess!" she yelled to the streets, trailing slowly behind Prudence who resembled Alice's rabbit, dashing from house to house and moaning about how stupid she was for letting Edie convince her to come to the party.
"Oh poor Prudence" she giggled, "Prude Prudence cant you live a little? Seize the day! The world is just too big and wonderful to worry about little things like curfews. Screw tucking down our heads and waiting till were eighty to have any fun, E-X-P-E-R-I-E-N-C-E!"
"Oh screw you, my head feels like an overripe watermelon and if I smell beer for the next fifty years I swear I'll simultaneously combust! And Carpe Diem is soo preadolescence." she snarked back. Edie just smiled dreamily and kissing her on both cheeks, she wondered up and down the driveways randomly twirling like an adolescent Anne of Green Gables.
For the next few weeks all Edie could talk about was the sexy, funny, brilliant, did I mention sexy? Michael. About how he attended Berkley but was in town for the funeral of his beloved great aunt, about how he planned to join the peace corps after he got his masters and become a philanthropist or a pro bono lawyer, living in rat infested apartments and buying second hand clothes for the sake of the poor and the humble.
Prudence began to loathe even the mention of his name. She told herself it was because she didn't trust him, a college student in love with a sixteen year old? He totally fit the profile of some creepy pedophile and that they should call the F.B.I. immediately. Deep down, though, she knew that some part of her was green with envy. He WAS brilliant, sexy, older, and male, unique and enigmatic yet still socially acceptable. Still, she tried to drop warning comments whenever she could, falling on totally deaf ears.
Prudence found herself again nodding her head accordingly, trying to quell the feeling of tragic emptiness that raged in her heart as Edie rambled on and on about him again, biting her hot dog and trailing mustard on her chin. She did get Prudence's attention however when she grabbed her shoulders and said ecstatically,
"Oh thank you thank you thank you darling! I don't know why but he wants me to bring you along for some reason…"
"Fine, I guess I'll go since you make it sound so exciting," Prudence replied, giggling, "But isn't Micheal in love with you or something?"
"Oh please, I'm infatuated not foolish. The male species doesn't fall in love with women, they fall in love with attraction. The only way to hold their attention is to keep them guessing, keep them excited. That's why my parents relationship failed, my mom got too fat to keep trying and Dad abandoned her like a sack of toys at the Goodwill."
"You are so depressing. Jesus Christ, what is there to live for if we don't have love?"
"Sex and chocolate", Edie replied cheekily.
…………………..
Two days and several bobby pins later, Prudence found herself squished between dry cleaning and some reasonably cute guy that she tried to find attractive. It turned out that the fabulous Michael had invited Edie to a Red Babies meeting. He himself was undeclared politically but Communist get-togethers always proved interesting because there was always booze and there was always protesters, and when you mixed the two together? Not a bad past time. As much as she respected Carl Marx, Prudence doubted she'd enjoy the night very much having to watch Edie going doe eyed for the hated one and dealing with the creeping hands of the hopeful and horny kid beside her.
True to her wallflower self, Prudence stayed by the refreshment table all through the official proceedings, sipping from the depressingly unlaced punch and watching all the gleeful faces of the people who actually wanted to be there. She had just treated herself to a nice big slice of self-pity carrot cake when the meeting began. Speech after speech was made about how the government was suppressing the masses, howlaissez-faire still plagued the capitalist establishment, all were equally passionate and all were equally vague and they began to blend into each other as the night progressed.
But then the first rock smashed through one of the windows, landing in the middle of the congregated chairs like a missile and shouts rose higher and higher as patriots began to mob in front of the building. Immediately the American Communist Party swarmed into action and an all out brawl had begun just as Michael had grabbed her and Edie's arms to make it for the back exit to safety. They were both equally disappointed never having seen anything that had escalated past the occasional food fight but Michael insisted that it was too dangerous and they found themselves in his Chevy speeding towards the center of town. They dabbled on what to do when the other boy, a red head named Cameron, suggested they go see The Trip, one of those notorious Exploitation Films whose brash and "morally objectionable" storylines were never welcome during the day time.
As they watched the young Paul Groves experience his first tango with LSD Prudence found out that there is nothing better then watching a movie about drugged out people while being drugged out. She was to learn that the bottle of Corona that had been so casually passed between them as the credits rolled has actually contained trace amounts of the very same drug that Glenn had found so fascinating in the film.
Prudence found herself rising above her body; her head slowing expanding like a balloon. All her feelings were heightened ten fold, all her expressions grossly exaggerated. She tried to think clearly but found the effort was too hard, besides she had forgotten why it was so important anyway. She allowed the Cameron kid to nuzzle her neck as she moaned lowly to the erotic scenes that flashed across the screen, the discarded popcorn on the floor making a delicious crunching noise beneath her sandals and the velvet of the arm rests feeling so smooth against her finger tips.
And then the movie ended and they lolled in the lobby, scaring away customers and laughing ridiculously loud and obnoxiously. Prudence began to experience one of the little side effects of an upper, paranoia, and her thoughts ran rampid, each indistinguishable yet eerily important.
There are dragons at the snack bar! Wait..no, dragons don't exist. They must be lizards, giant lizards that can yell and stand up right and munch on pop corn. Their yelling is so loud, why was everything so loud? Quick, get behind the soda machine, maybe they wont find you there. Must keep calm, must keep quiet or they'll come after you like the Jacobins after Marie Antoinette...Jacobins…Jack… "Jack be nimble Jack be quick, Jack jump over the candle stick". Candle Stick? No no, candle sticks are dangerous! They have fire in them and fire is red, red like blood, and it burns. Its so hot in here! Why is it so hot?!
"Hey little girl, calm down there" Michael grabbed her arm, trying to pull her towards the sofas that bordered the wall but Prudence shook off his grasp. She couldn't remember who he was but she instinctively remembered that she didn't trust those blue eyes, that charming smile. The room began to shrink around her and she needed to get out. Completely ignoring the protested shouts of the others, she rushed out of the door, dashing out into the cold night air. The moon shown brightly against the backdrop of midnight blue and stars, and she hummed to herself, kicking the piles of leaves and sending them into the air in great clouds.
But then she began to feel tired and she imagined that she was a squirrel like the ones that she used to see when her parents used to take her to the park on family outings, to get ice cream and feed the ducks. Back when they might have even loved each other. She laid down in the grass, burrowing into the brown gold and red leaves as her eyes began to close and she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.
Chapter 5
"Jesus Christ Pru..I cant believe you just ran off like that! What the fuck is wrong with you, really?!" Edie took deep breaths, willing herself to calm down.
"I'm sorry." Prudence repeated dully for what must have been the eighteenth-million time that morning.
"I mean if Micheal hadn't found you last night, I don't even know what would have happened. It was like what…40 degrees out? And there could have been creepy homeless guys cruising around-"
"I know! Oh thank god Michael was around because he's so wonderful and strong to save me from the dangerous homeless gang that tours the streets. I always knew that when they begged me for change they had some dark and sinister ulterior motive." Prudence interrupted angrily. It hadn't been a good morning, waking up in the arms of the man that she currently despised most in the world who was trying to give her mouth to mouth. Especially while her supposed best friend yelled and bated her the whole car ride home.
Edie stared at her in disbelief for about a minute, then she grabbed her half empty cold mug, and after practically throwing it into the sink, grabbed her bags and left, slamming the door behind her. She didn't look back as Prudence rushed after her, apologies spewing from her lips and tears dangerously threatening to fall from their suspended perch on her long, dark eyelashes. And after Edie wrenched the door to the shell pink Pontiac, a rental Micheal has so graciously lent her, and drove off there was nothing. Prudence didn't think that after the last few days she could possibly feel any worse but as she crawled up the stairs, gripping the little tufts of carpet in her fists, she knew that she was wrong. This was worse then the all the jealousy and betrayl that she had felt combined. Ever.
This was guilt and an unrequited love so acute that she didn't think she could even breathe from the pressure of it. All at once she could understand what Miss Havisham must have been feeling, standing at the alter all alone as the dark Victorian streets stared cruelly back at her, or what Isolde must have endured after learning that Tristan had died trying to save her. Prudence crawled into her room, silent sobs wracking her body and curled up on the floor, pulling her knees to her chest. The house was empty, no one to hear her as her heart splintered into a thousand little pieces.
………………………….
The next few weeks were barely durable. Edie was still ignoring her and in fact everyone really, randomly skipping class to be with her mysterious friend with the really nice sports car. Every time they passed each other in the halls, Prudence felt her chest swell, willing herself not to care, willing herself to turn invisible. And it didn't even matter because Edie had better things to worry about anyway.
Fall turned to winter, signified by the light layer of white that began to cover any surface that remained stationary for more than a few minutes. Never before had Prudence felt so relieved because when the snow came everything seemed to calm down, like it was a gigantic security blanket that mollified thousands.
It was on one such afternoon that Prudence found herself all alone in the house. Nestled in a woolen scarf, she held aloft a paintbrush as she stood before her blank canvass. She'd been standing there for ten minutes trying to envision something, anything, to cover up the whiteness of it all but her thoughts kept on wandering, replaying what she should have done, should have said to make Edie not hate her so much.
It was then that she heard a tapping on the front door that was so light she probably wouldn't have heard it if the house hadn't been so silent. She dropped the brush on the floor, to be picked up later when inspiration stuck, and followed the sound to find Edie standing on the front step. Her face resembled a river, tears like little tributaries flowed from her lake blue eyes and her make up like the silt that colored the bottom of the shore. She stunk of smoke, stale beer, and sweat.
"Please" she moaned, clutching her chest like she was trying to hold her heart together , "I have no where else to go." Prudence's heart spasmed because she looked so sad and lonely standing there, a shell of her former beautiful, charismatic, and frustrating self. She ushered her in and drew a bath in the upstairs bathroom as Edie dry heaved, resting her head on the cool and healing tile floor.
She lay their in the water, her clothes that were discarded on the floor looked lost and misplaced in contrast to the pristine behemoth of the toilet that stood like a sentinel in the corner of the room. Gentle bubbles graced her pale skin as Prudence stroked her hair that blossomed in golden coils, singing soft lullabies that she'd heard on T.V were supposed to soothe small children. She then began to notice subtle little nodes of black and blue lay scattered across her arms, they looked all at once mean and hurtful yet strangely symmetric and mesmerizing. She touched one lightly and Edie moaned into the swirls of soapy water so she decided to keep silent but a spark began to kindle the dormant hatred that she'd been tending in the back of her mind of the intruder who had stole Edie away.
Some hours later all the tears had washed from Edie's face. Prudence had lost all feeling on the right side of her body from sitting prone for so long so she was startled when Edie rose from the tub, retracting the plug with puckered fingers and grabbing one of the terry towels from the hook on the door. Water dripped onto the floor, creating little rivers through the cracks of the tile as Prudence climbed to her feet and was about to squeeze past her when Edie grabbed her arm.
Edie traced the curve of her cheekbones, her mushroom-shaped nose and Prudence thought that some of the luster had returned to her lively sky blue eyes, she smiled at her in simple content that her friend was returning home from a long and tedious journey. And then Edie drew closer and rested soft lips on hers, her expert tongue tracing along her bottom lip, requesting entrance. Part of Prudence's mind rushed to refuse, to pull away because Edie was hurting and confused but the other part, the carnal instinct shouted that she needed this, needed some sort of relief after so many months of trial and uncertainty and anger.
The kiss deepened. It wasn't magical or amazing but it felt good and it felt right. And then it was over and Edie was gathering her clothes and exiting the room, leaving Prudence to try to figure out what had just happened and what this would mean to the future.
Chapter 6
It carried on like that for months. Edie would disappear, then a knock at the door in the middle of the night. Soft kisses led to warm caresses, warm caresses led to hungered touches and Prudence is lying on the floor, her pupils blown as she gasps for breath, feeling blissed out and sated. But with each of these little excursions some new scar, some new bruise would appear on Edie's skin, a little reminder that Prudence had to share her with someone else. She hated what he did to her, how he'd made her a chain smoking fiend that thought she was better than everyone else. Still, as Edie drew her knees under her chin and stared off into space, Prudence felt a lump form in her stomach. She couldn't tell Edie to stop seeing him because if she did, Prudence feared that she would become another lost variable in Edie's life because the only reason why Edie ever came to her was to get away from him. And then Edie is getting up, tweaking her nose and saying "thanks love" like Prudence had just given her a cup full of sugar instead of her virginity. But it was worth it so Prudence would swallow her fears and wave as Edie left the room, eagerly awaiting the next time.
Prudence picked through the Penny saver, looking for cheap yet descent art supplies, when she came across a little article on the very last page. It was the size of a business card and it stated boldly in bright purple scrawl: " Help Wanted: Top Secret". Beneath it in slightly smaller print was an address and telephone number.
Prudence's mother had always discouraged her from seeking fortune. "Only bad things happen to those who don't wait and pray for riches", she'd said one day, wiping the crumbs of a chocolate éclair onto her blouse, "Look what happened to me."
Still, she was intrigued. Before she could convince herself otherwise, Prudence grabbed the phone and dialed. She held her breath as the phone rang, a feeling of nervous excitement building in her chest. Inexplicably, she felt like if she got this job, whatever it might be, some epiphany, some closure would make itself clear and she'd be able to stop pretending that she wasn't in love with her best friend. That life would somehow make sense.
……………………….
Prudence pulled up to a small house on the outskirts of town. It was a cheerful little bungalow, the garden resembled a carefully controlled chaos with large and exotic plants quarrelling each other for sunlight and warmth while the windows were open, inviting the breeze to play with their curtains. Prudence leaned her bicycle against the fence with uncertainty. She tried the gate, finding that it swung open easily, and followed the paved stones that led to the front door. She rose her hand to the door and was about to knock when it burst open and a little man stood glaring at her. He resembled his house, actually, with a small and squat stature, his hair was a nest of bright reddish hair. He wore a carefully tailored pinstripe suit, although the arms were much too long, and a pair of muddied gardening boots peeked from below. His expression shifted to a smile as she stared back at him, trying to mask her incredulity with polite amusement.
He gestured for her to follow him inside, his hands reminiscent of runway guiders, and she did, sidling sideways to squeeze past an unfortunately placed bookcase that took up half the doorway. Within a few moments, however, she could understand why the foyer was so cramped. The house looked like what it must look like if a person had attempted to move the entire library of Congress into a bungalow, there were that many books. Some held respectable homes, standing stately in their olive stained shelves, their handsome covers slightly dusty. The rest were groundlings. A pack of paperback romance novels lay strewn across the mahogany coffee table, an empty fish tank supported the complete collection of Shakespeare, a couple Nancy Drews' surfacing on the top, books were clogged in the fireplace, on the kitchen table, every possible place, and for the rest, they stood in precarious looking stacks lined along the staircase. Prudence had never been much of a reader but like seeing anything in mass quantities, she began to horde the books in her mind; thinking how much a vintage copy of the Moby Dick would go for, even with slight water damage. But then the man's voice snapped her out of her revere, and she blinked at him dazedly in the warm, yellow light that had managed to penetrate the open windows.
"Basically, I want you to organize these" he gestured helplessly, "hrmm…alphabetically, I think."
"All of them?" asked Prudence blankly, her sluggish mind attempting to comprehend the sheer enormity of the task.
"I'll pay you, of coarse," he replied defensively, drawing himself up the few centimeters to his full stature, and still not clearing past Prudence's neck.
Prudence speculated for a few minutes. From the looks of it, this was going to be a crapload of work, and she didn't even have a Tensing Norgay.(Was their any librarian breed of Norgay? Must research later.) Still, the job seemed like the perfect thing to exercise her mind off of unpleasant…things. She'd attempted to paint the problems away and had surfaced with a picture of a sailboat and a golden retriever. These were dark times.
"Alright."
It took three weeks. Three glorious weeks of nothing but the letters A through Z. A through Z never fucked with her feelings, never only thought about themselves, and were always there, always consistently the same. It was the most comforting three weeks in her whole sophomore year. But then she was crouched on the floor, tucking away J.R Tolkein's The Silmarilion and it was all done. She gazed up at the little man, who preferred to be unnamed, and asked,
"So…how about the kitchen?"
………………………….
It was March and green suffocated the previously browning street sides like a swipe from a giant's paintbrush. The smell of new growth and freshly turned soil was pungent in the air as Prudence sat queen-like in the little gilded chair beside her unnamed employer, sipping tea and feeling thorough satisfied, something she was beginning to get used to. The little man leaned back in his chair, his portly belly stretching the completely inappropriate lab coat he wore around the middle. He brushed off the crumbs that had collected around the neatly stitched pockets and began on his second slice of plum tart.
"Why do you wear all that?" Prudence asked suddenly, even suprising herself at the sound of her voice.
"All what?" he replied.
"Look Doctor, were not in surgery, you could hang up your coat."
"Oh. Well all my other clothing is in laundry…permanently," he seemed to deliberate for a second, carefully choosing his words before he continued, "My wife left me last year and I guess…everything that I'd shared with her became poison. I threw out all my old clothes, quit my job, haven't talked to my friends since…hell I even gave up my name. Thats why I'm organizing the house. She always liked things messy. I figured I could forget if I cleaned up. Does that make sense?"
"I don't think it has to," Prudence trailed off in thought.
The story sounded pathetic just laid out like that, yet it rang true. That feeling of being constricted caught in four walls that felt so uncomfortable. It made sense to want to run, to throw yourself in the unfamiliar, the different. Was that what she had done? Was she pathetic? A cloud drifted before the sun, obscuring its gentle rays, and Prudence made up her mind. She'd take her life off ice. She'd confront Edie. Hell, the only thing at stake was the love of her entire existence.
Chapter 7
"WAR! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!" Kevin sang, wiggling his hips as he swish-dunked another ball in the basket. The bright blue lights of the YMCA sign flashed on his skin, giving him an eerie alien glow in the dusky light. Prudence laughed, dancing around him trying to wrest the old and worn basketball from his grasp. Saturday night at the rec center, like old times. Its times like these that Prudence really wished she had a time machine, to go back to when the world had been simple. Play the game, get the ball, jump the rope, don't get tagged.
They'd been playing for three straight hours and Prudence was exhausted. She flopped onto the grass, wiping her sweaty brow and laughing at Kevin's Edwin Starr impression, the prickly tufts cool and comfortable beneath her. He dribbled the ball a little more, passing it between his legs, and then dropped it to the concrete to join her on the grass. She sat up, her long black hair trailing on her olivey skin and Kevin drank in the sight. She was so beautiful and she had no idea. He cursed himself for being such a coward.
"You're a good friend," Prudence smiled.
Laying back, her fingers played with the freshly mowed grass. Kevin pulled some weed out of his pocket, lighting the little white strip and taking a hit. He offered her a drag but she declined with the wave of her hand, preferring instead to just revel in the night, watching the lithe smoke rise in circles above them. They lay like that for a while, just two people completely satisfied with being and feeling.
But then Prudence caught sight of her watch; the hands illuminated by the faint light still effusing from the streetlights, and saw how late it was. She got up, trying to brush off the bed of grass that had collected on her back and sleeves, and stretched languidly, her arms reaching for the darkened sky above. Kevin followed suit, extinguishing the joint between nimble fingers and tucking it into his pocket. He stilled her arm, shushing her confused protests, and caught a ladybug that had settled into her hair, letting it climb onto his finger before it flew off. Prudence stared back at him in wonder, the delight in her eyes like that of a child who had just beheld their first candy and were really able to appreciate how sweet it is. He stared at her, deliberating, before he swooped down, as sure a hawk, and shyly pecked her on the lips.
He drew back, feeling foolish yet slightly hopeful, but when he caught the look in her eyes he knew it was for naught.
"Kevin--"
"No, its alright. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that…I--"
"No really, look I wanna say this. You really are a great friend and I love you for that. A lot. But I've got to be honest with myself this time. I'm surfacing from onesided relationship with someone who I have to realize…wont—cant love me back. And I have to learn to accept that. I could throw myself into your arms but that'd only really hurt the both of us. So I don't want you to feel embarrassed or feel like you did something wrong because you didn't. I'm just not ready."
"Okay"
……………………….
Like a true gentleman, Kevin had walked her home and as they stood awkwardly on the front step, trying to figure out what to do with their hands, the phone rang. With a rush of relief, Prudence slipped inside, to watch his retreating form from the crack in the door. She could love him, she thought, maybe later.
She retrieved the phone from its cradle, threading the chord through her fingers like she was crocheting clothes from the future, when she heard a hushed and familiar voice on the line.
"Hey, Pru," Edie said, and Prudence could imagine her smile. "So I was wondering if…you would like to hang out tonight I guess? It's been a long time, huh."
"I…I guess. When?"
"Come by my house like now." She rushed on, "like old times."
Edie lived in one of the few apartment buildings in town. It was just her, her mom and their cat Theo, a stray that Edie had adopted when it was a kitten. Edie never really invited anyone over, preferring instead to go to Prudence's house. Prudence had always wondered why, but as she stared up at the structure, with its shaggy roof that was missing shingles and it's peeling paint, she realized for the first time that Edie might have been ashamed. It was an unsettling epiphany, because Prudence had always assumed that Edie had the perfect life, with all her gorgeous blond hair and boyfriends. It was sad, too, because that meant that there was something that had separated them for all these years, that Edie had noticed but that she hadn't.
Edie opened the door and she looked dead. Dead like "Day of the Dead", a skeleton made up with eye shadow, a sundress, and flip-flops. At least for a second, and then reality shifted back into focus and Prudence's very alive friend was pulling her inside and ushering her toward the tiny kitchenette a few feet away. At first Prudence thought that Edie's mom was causing all the clatter. Had assumed so because Edie had said that this would be like old times, and old times meant they would be exchanging scary stories and painting their toenails, her mom stumbling around drunk and Edie just laughing at her. But then Michael's jaunty hair came into view.
He was smiling like a kid who knew something you didn't and Prudence really hated his face at that moment. She wanted to slip away, certain that the embarrassment and shock she was feeling was plainly visible but he kept on leering at her and she felt frozen in place. Edie reached into the fridge, pulling out a beer, and set it down on the table, staring expectantly like this had been some long anticipated rendezvous.
They sat in silence, the seconds ticking by, when Michael shrugged,
"Fine. If you wont start it, then I will." And then the distance between him and Prudence was closed in seconds. He was grabbing at her arms, his grip like iron, his questing mouth hard on hers. She tried to draw back, shaking, but then Edie came to her rescue, smoothly stepping between them. She placed one hand on Prudence's hip, the other twirling her hair, and nipped at her lips, her jaw, her neck. Prudence felt herself relax, basking in Edie's familiar touches, but then Michael came up from behind, circling her waist with muscled arms and nuzzling her hair.
Prudence felt torn, not wanting to force away Edie but hating Michael's touch. Why was he even here anyway? Because Edie probably asked him to. Asked him too, assuring him that Prudence would go along because Prudence would do anything for her. Prudence felt her throat constrict because in that moment she felt that that was the absolute truth. Edie didn't care. Edie was using her. Hell using her like she always had, be it to get onto the cheerleading squad, to impress boyfriends, or cheat off her to get good grades and Prudence had never said no. No, she thought, what a foreign word. Why would she say no? But then Micheal's grip tightened, and his lips were wet on her skin, making obscene popping noises. No. Just say no. The thought snowballed in her mind, like an avalanche, and without even realizing it she was wrenching herself out his grasp, Edie's grasp, the word screamed from her lips.
"What the fuck?!" Michael said, staring at his empty hands. He grabbed a fistful of Prudence's hair, pulling her forward, and tried to force her to submit but she fought back, still screaming, and he drew back with a hiss when her long nails grazed his arm.
"You said she was a little slut. You said she'd do it!" he accused Edie, who had drawn back from the scuffle, leaning against the table with a horribly blank expression on her face. She shook her head;
"Get out," she whispered, looking at the floor and playing with the plastic bracelet that circled her wrist. He made to reply but she interrupted him harshly,
"GET OUT!" she screamed, grabbing a frying pan from the pile of dirty dishes in the sink and stepping forward. He glanced between the two of them, Prudence's bloodshot eyes and shining face, Edie's livid expression, and smirked. He stalked off, slamming the door behind him.
The pot clattered to the floor as Edie slid down the wall, her head between her knees as she breathed deeply. Prudence stood frozen, caught between the desire to run and the desire to pull Edie into her arms and comfort her, like she would if Edie had grazed her knee or had been teased by bullies. She did neither of those things, instead collecting the pan from the floor to begin to fill the sink with warm water and dribble soap on the sponge. It was something her mother would have done, and for the first time she really appreciated the beauty of domestic therapy. When the world just seems so fucked up and hopeless sometimes it's refreshing to tackle a leaky faucet or a dirty dish. They were problems that could be solved.
Chapter 8
'Sleep on it' they say, 'it'll be better in the morning'. Like somehow the gods will visit you in your dreams and all possibilities will become clear. As Prudence woke up, brushing crust from her eyes and massaging out the cramp that seized in her thigh, she felt anything but better. Last night they hadn't talked at all. Edie slipped out the back door to smoke and probably cry, and Prudence continued cleaning, moving from the dishes to vacuuming the carpet, to ironing the linens. She scrubbed furiously, like it was the answer to some complex riddle, and had only stopped when she'd noticed that Edie had returned, curled up like a rollie pollie on the stained couch with Theo snuggled beside her. She finished folding, leaving the crisp pile stacked on a TV tray, and contemplated walking home. Hell, maybe even calling Kevin up and accepting that hit because if she ever needed it, it was now. But instead she bunched up her sweater and curled up on the rug, a token of when Edie's mom had still been trying to make their broken house a home.
Now it was morning, and Edie was yawning and stretching, looking mildly surprised to see Prudence still there, perhaps even resentful. Like she'd been the one who had been lied to, who'd almost been raped. Prudence felt anger build inside her.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" she asked, her voice sharp in the silence. Edie just looked at her for a second, as if in disbelief.
"What's wrong with me? Oh I don't know, why don't you make a diagnosis, Freud. But how could I have let him do that to me? How could I have let him worship me? I guess it's the same reason I let you do it to me."
"That was different! I loved you! He used you and don't tell me he didn't because he didn't exactly look interested in you last night! And you used me! You didn't care how much it hurt me when you went to see him! How much it hurt me to see you hurt!"
"Yeah? Well sorry, but you know what? Michael, that sick asshole, is my only ticket out of this goddamned town! You've got parents who give a shit about you! You've got a future! …I'm damaged goods, Pru. He was my only chance."
"You don't need him. You could come with me, we could get the hell out of here together and move to New York like we always planned, remember? When we were kids? You promised, Edie. We'd get an apartment in some shitty little tenet building with the crazy landlord and the warm water would always run out but it'd be our apartment, only ours and we'd be free."
"What a pretty picture. So what? Just run away, become your dyke girlfriend and the world will be flowers and sunshine? It's always the same with you. You're so goddamned naieve--"
"Oh fuck that. Gay, straight, those are not even relevant because if we really wanted it, if it really mattered, we could. We so could. But this is about doing something for yourself that you want, following your bliss."
"Oh riiight. I'm the one who always dogs your steps, copies everything you do."
"You know what? You're right. You're absolutely right, but I'm going to change. I'm going to get the hell out of this town and start up my own friggin' life. I'm not just going to dream about it, like my dad who sits tinkering in his tool shed probably fantasizing about murdering my mother, and I'm not going to be you, and just live off other people, the eternal hitchhiker, the unwanted guest. I'm gonna build my own life, prairie style, and its going to be hard and dirty but at the end of the day I'll be the one who can really say I lived this fucking life." Edie made no reply, looking at the spot right above her ear, and she just so pathetic just sitting their, biting the nail polish from her nails, her hair looking greasy and old in the bright morning light. Prudence got up, pulling on her sweater, and left.
The door didn't bang shut and the windows didn't rattle as Prudence left because as soon as she stepped out of the stagnant heat of the apartment she felt all her anger dissipate. Now she just felt lonely and sad again like she was disappointed, like Edie'd let her down.
She started the long walk home, the sharp morning air sending dead leaves and trash spiraling in the air and nipping at all the places that the cardigan didn't cover. Still, as she squinted at the sun, a bright yellow as it made its assent into the sky, she couldn't help but feel heartened. She'd read somewhere that the Azteck's had left behind huge, intricately carved shrines that were dedicated to praying to the great sun every morning, begging it to rise in the sky and warm their shoulders, nourish their crops. At first she'd thought of how horrible that must have been, how frightening and terrible it must have been to not know that the sun will rise every day. How precarious the world must have felt. But now, after all she'd seen this year, she couldn't help appreciating how amazing and exhilarating it would feel when it did rise, like you could control the sun as the sun controls you.
Chapter 9
The people of Lakeview were an exclusive group, but a close one. It was like living on an island but with no great, blue ocean to drown yourself in. During certain times of the year, the whole town joined together to host cultural festivals, think United Nations except everyone's white and they all shop at the same mall. One such event is the football games. Prudence couldn't believe that such ordinary and stupid things still existed, what with her life spiraling to hell, but come Monday morning there was Ms. Robinson pressing her crisp white uniform into her arms with some sob story about how Janey Carols had broken her leg and it was just crucial that she replace her, for the good of the whole community. Prudence found herself nodding her head, amazed that Robinson would still even speak to her after she essentially ditched the whole season. Now four hours later she found herself fixing her bangs and poofing her pompoms.
Edie came too. They refused to look at each other, staying at opposite ends of the GO CHARGER! formation and Prudence laughed to herself, imaginging what the other girls must have been thinking; probably that they'd gotten into some boy tiff. As she sat their, shivering in her ironed skirt and waiting like a lap dog to go cheer at the appropriate intervals, she found herself really asking herself why she was here. The only reason why she was even here was because of Edie, and Edie was lost to her now. Lost to her as surely as playing house or a zit free face.
And there was Evie Norman, jostling her in the stand to make her look bad in front of the football players, and there was Geena Hackton, whispering about her behind her cupped hand. They all hated her, and she hated them back, had always hated them back. Why was she even here? She didn't belong in this hick town, in this closeminded state. The train was slowing down and she was going to jump off at the next stop.
And that was that. She jumped down from the bleachers, landing with a soft thud, and made her way across the field. Not caring that she was in the path of charging football players, or that everyone was watching her, openly pointing and openly shouting. She was getting the hell out of here, why not make a spectacle? Just as she was about to reach the other side she turned on her heel and searched for Edie's shocked face in the crowd. There it was, all pink from the cold and as beautiful as ever. Feeling reckless, she blew her a kiss, smirking as she turned back. As far as goodbye's go, that one must have been epic.
The sound of the crowd faded, sliding smoothly into birdcalls and breeze in the grass. She'd been walking for about an hour now, the power and calm that had initially filled her beginning to creep away as the her feet began to ache and her uniform began to stick as the hot and humid nights began to set in. Still, she knew she couldn't turn back. She'd crossed some kind of threshold, the point of no return and she'd have to just wait it out, hoping for some vehicle to drive down the dusty, desolate road and take her to civilization. That or starve to death.
Finally, a truck chugged its way around the turn and Prudence hurridly flipped up her thumb, desperation clear on her face. The driver pulled to the side and opened the door and he looked friendly and inviting, sitting in the airconditioned cab with a his hands lightly gracing the wheel. She steeled herself, dispelling misgivings, and climbed up the steps.