My head went blank and everything in my vision swam. It was if I was slowly losing feeling starting from my fingers and my breathing was rapidly increasing. No. No, I can't stand to go through this again. I gently set the plastic on the white porcelain of the sink and rested my head in my hands. I swallowed and tried to breathe evenly. I just had to wait until Arthur got home and then I would talk it over with him.
I stood up, trying not to think about all the sad, negative thoughts running through my head. I swept the plastic into the trash can and walked out of the bathroom. I ignored the stinging in my eyes and walked into the kitchen. I cleaned up a bit, washing dishes and such. I dusted and vacuumed the living room and cleaned most of the house while I waited. When I finished I grabbed a book I'd been reading and sat down on the sofa.
I opened up to a random page and tried to start reading. I hardly noticed the tears falling silently out of my eyes. I couldn't even take in the words on the page, much less see them through my blurry vision. My heart ached longingly in my chest as I sat just waiting for my husband to get home.
"_ love, I'm home." I looked up as the front door opened. The book that was still in my lap slid sideways onto the couch. Arthur was shedding his coat as he shut the door with his foot. He looked up at me as he slid out of his shoes and his eyes widened. "_!" I winced slightly at the volume of his voice and blinked tiredly. I hadn't even wiped the tears as they fell and my face was red and splotchy.
"A-Arthur," I mumbled softly as he rushed and knelt in front of me. He cupped my face in his large, slender hands and thumbed away the tears gently. I sniffed slightly and took a shaky breath. Arthur stayed silent, knowing I would talk when I was ready. "A-Arthur… I'm… I'm p-pregnant." I dropped my head, breaking down completely and sobbed into my hands.
"Oh, _ love," he murmured softly. He pulled himself up and sat on the couch and sat me in his lap. He rubbed my back soothingly, whispering nonsense into my hair. "It's okay. It's all alright." I shook my head against his chest as my tears soaked the shoulder of his shirt.
"I c-can't… I can't do it ag-gain Arthur. This is the fourth time. I can't lose another child," I bawled, clutching at his shirt front. We'd tried to have a child before and the first time we'd found out were simply overjoyed. It was almost two months into the pregnancy and I miscarried. We went to the doctor and he said miscarriage during the first trimester was normal. Sometimes it happened.
My heart was heavy and hurting for few weeks but Arthur told me that we would try again. We did and I became pregnant again. We waited nearly three months and yet again I miscarried. I cried and Arthur held me the entire time. I finally settled down and I told him I would try one more time. It was agonizing, simply waiting for the miscarriage to come. I made it to five months and then my heart was ripped apart once more.
I told Arthur I couldn't, I wouldn't go through it again. I desperately wanted children, yes, but if each attempt ended in heartbreaking failure, then I didn't want to continue. I couldn't stand getting my hopes up and then have the pain of emptiness over and over again. However, I was pregnant once again and I didn't know what to do. Arthur held me until my shaking frame calmed and rubbed my back.
"_, sweetheart?" he asked softly. I nodded my head mutely as signal that I'd heard him, unable to find my voice. "What do you want to do?" I sighed tiredly and wiped roughly at my eyes. I couldn't stand an abortion; that was worse than having a miscarriage, actually going and killing a little baby before it even had the chance to live. I wanted a little baby; I really and truly did, but… I didn't know if I could endure anymore torment.
"Arthur. You know I want a child, you know I want a baby so terribly bad… but… Arthur… I-I… I can't do it alone," I whispered, looking down at my stomach where a child was slowly forming. The possibility that it might not make it brought tears to my eyes.
"You won't have to. I'll be right here the entire time, as will my brothers," I raised an eyebrow, "and Francis and all our friends." He cupped the side of my face and gently stroked my cheekbone. "I'm going to be by your side the whole time no matter what, alright?" I swallowed around the lump in my throat and nodded. I rested my head on his shoulder and fingered the collar of his shirt.
"Arthur… what… what if-" I was silenced with a finger to my lips. I looked up and saw him looking down at me with, bright, hopeful emerald eyes.
"Shh love, let's just wait it out, alright?" he said softly, combing my hair back with his fingers. I nodded and closed my eyes tiredly. What have I done? I thought miserably to myself, only able to imagine the worst.
"Arthur," I said, walking into the house and setting my purse down. I looked up when I didn't get a response and saw two, muscular gingers sitting on my sofa. "Allistor? Seamus? What're you guys doing here?" I asked curiously. Allistor smirked as he lounged back on the couch.
"Tae' come see ye o' course," he drawled, pulling out a cigarette and sticking it in between his lips. I raised an eyebrow and he huffed, shoving it back in his shirt pocket. Seamus stood up and walked over to me, silently bouncing on the balls of his feet. I managed to refrain from giggling and held out my arms. He wanted permission to make sure he wouldn't hurt the baby.
"Yay! Thank ya!" he cried. He bent down and picked me around the waist, hugging me and spinning me around. I giggled and clutched at my brother-in-law's neck as he spun me. He set me on my feet and I felt another strong hand land on my shoulder. I turned and saw Allistor looking at me expectantly.
"Aright," I laughed, looping my arms around the Scot's neck. He wrapped his arms around my waist and spun me gently. He put me down and placed a kiss on my cheek as my giggles subsided. "It's so good to see you guys," I said, pushing my hair away from my face.
"It's good to see ye too lass," Allistor said, flopping back down onto the couch. I grinned and then noticed Seamus was once again bouncing almost eagerly on his toes. I turned to look at the Irishman.
"Yes?" I asked, looking up at the tall ginger. He bit his lip before looking at me almost pleading.
"Could… could I feel?" he asked softly, letting his eyes flit between my face and my stomach. I swallowed nervously and nodded. He smiled encouragingly at me and bent down so he was looking at my small baby bump. "Don't get too excited Seamus," I warned gently as he laid a large hand on my belly. He looked up at me, green eyes shining excitedly.
"I have a feelin' _. I can feel it tha' this'll be tha one," he said, grinning up happily at me. I gave a shaky smile and nodded, wiping at the moisture under my eyes. I heard keys pressing into the lock and turned to see Arthur walking in. His emerald eyes widened significantly when he saw his brothers.
"What the bloody hell?! What are you two doing here?!" he shouted, looking between his two older brothers. Allistor snickered and crossed his ankles as he leaned his head back to look at the Englishman. "Why did you let them in love?" I laughed loudly and shrugged.
"They were here when I got home," I explained. His mouth gaped as he tried to imagine how his brothers could have managed to get into his house.
"Spare key," Allistor said casually, twirling said object on his index finger. Arthur growled and lunged for the key, but was only flipped over the back of the couch. "Na uh Artie! We've only come ta check up on our sister!" he defended as Arthur stood up, nostrils flaring.
"Yea! We'll be gone before supper. Not tha' I'd want ta stay and eat Arthur's food anyhow," Seamus said. "Are ya sure it's safe for ya to be eatin' tha stuff he cooks?" he inquired, looking worriedly at my stomach. I laughed and shoved the Irishman's arm.
"Be nice!" I chastised easily, walking over to my husband. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. "I'm glad you're home," I whispered, putting a slight plea into my voice. He nodded and I pulled back grinning. I could tell the other two sensed we need to be alone and bid us a quick farewell. I thanked them for coming and told them to come visit anytime, much to Arthur's displeasure.
"What is it love?" the Brit asked as I sat tiredly in my arm chair. I shook my head, resting my elbows on my thighs and then rubbing my eye with the heels of my palm.
"Just the doctor," I muttered, resting my cheek in my palm and looking up at him. He smiled and sat beside me on the floor. "He said the usual. The baby's healthy, everything looks good." I almost growled, reaching to play with Arthur's messy hair. The feel of his soft blonde hair under my fingers was quite calming.
"Was it the same one as before?" he inquired, tilting his head forward so I could scratch his neck. I shook my head and let my fingernails scrap gently against the nape of his neck.
"No, but I did tell him that this was the fourth time," I whispered, rubbing my fingertips along the collar of his shirt. Arthur turned to look at me with firm, emerald orbs.
"Don't believe the worst dear. You know things can always change," he murmured, leaning forward to press a gentle kiss to my lips. I nodded as he pulled away and rested my forehead against Arthur's "It's going to be okay, I promise." I nodded as he smoothed my hair back away from my face and kissed my cheek.
"Do you want anything love?" he asked softly, running his thumb gently across my jaw. I shook my head and slumped tiredly against him.
"I just want to lay down," I mumbled, letting the tears I'd been holding in most of the morning trace down my cheeks and drip off my chin. Arthur nodded and gently picked me up and carried me to our bedroom.
"I have a good feeling about this love," he murmured, "I think this is the one." I choked quietly, trying not to get my hopes up. Arthur laid me on our bed, wiping the tears away with his fingers.
"A-Arthur," I cried helplessly, clutching at the hem of his shirt. He sat next to me and ran his fingers through my hair. The motion was calming and helped me breathe easier. He began singing softly, helping me to slip my eyes closed.
"I love you _. I know this'll work out," he whispered, pausing his singing for a moment. I nodded before thankfully slipping into unconsciousness.
A few more months passed and I was seven and a half months into my pregnancy. I was significantly rounder and I'd tried to keep the mood swings under control for Arthur's sake, but I think being so emotional already over the whole ordeal wasn't helping.
I refused to have a baby shower. I told Elizaveta and Bella after the baby was born, they could do whatever they pleased, which probably wasn't the smartest decision on my part. I'd gulped audibly as I watched a mischievous glace pass between the and I both got to feel the baby kick. I was in tears I was so happy. It was weak, but steadily grew stronger. I'd never felt any of the others kick before.
I had plenty of visits. Arthur's brothers came over all the time. When Matthew, the Brit's youngest brother, came over, was some of the most peaceful time I had. He was sweet and usually very shy and quiet. It was easy to talk to the soft-spoken Canadian. I was thankful that he made Gilbert, his 'awesome' boyfriend, stay home more often than not.
Everything was going so well that I allowed myself to hope a little. I would find myself absentmindedly rubbing my swollen belly if I was worried or nervous. Arthur was surprisingly calm throughout though. I read stories and watched movies about husbands fretting and trying to control everything, but Arthur hadn't fluttered about once. I think he was trying his best for me, seeing as I was already skittish about everything as it was. He was just giddy and happy about everything and he was starting to rub off on me. As eager and excited as we were however, there was also a sense of calm, easygoingness there as well.
"_ love, are you coming to bed?" I looked up from my book and saw Arthur leaning against our bedroom door frame. I smiled and set the book to the side.
"Of course dear," I replied, standing up and stretching my arms above my head. I winced slightly and rubbed my belly. "You better settle down kiddo, we're about to have to sleep." Another sharp pain and I felt something wet between my legs. It wasn't blood, I knew that feeling well enough and there was only one other option. "A-Arthur," I barely choked out.
"What is it _?" the Englishman asked worriedly, walking towards me quickly. I swallowed thickly and stared at him with wide, frightened eyes.
"My water just broke." With four simple words, the still and calm that had settled over us for the past months, erupted.
"Breath Mrs. Kirkland. Just relax," the doctor said as he jogged beside my moving bed. I groaned and forced myself not to snap at him. I could hear Arthur running behind us. We made it to a white room and a team of nurses made their way in behind us.
"Love?" I looked up and saw Arthur standing beside me. He grabbed my hand and squeezed lightly. I smiled shakily and then gasped and squeezed his hand as another contraction hit. The pain faded slowly and I was left panting for breath. "It's alright love, it's all going to be okay." I grit my teeth and glared him.
"I'd like to see you in my position," I muttered, closing my eyes tiredly. I heard a throat being cleared and I opened my eyes.
"Mrs. Kirkland, you're barely dilated. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but this could take a while depending on quickly the child is willing to cooperate." I huffed slightly and sent a halfhearted glare towards my abdomen.
"Why is it so early? I didn't think I was supposed to go into labor until I was at least nearly nine months. The doctor shrugged and clasped his hands behind his back.
"There could be a number of reasons; perhaps the child was simply eager." I took a shaky breath and nodded. "Don't worry Mrs. Kirkland, everything's going just fine. I know of your past problems, and I have to tell you that I just have a feeling about this infant." I forced down the tears the doctor's words and gave him a shaky smile.
"Thank you sir," I replied, breathing deeply. He nodded understandingly and walked off towards one of his nurses. I turned to Arthur and let a tear escape. "Arthur." He sat next to me and pushed hair off my forehead. "Do you really think?" I half asked, looking into his eyes for the unknown answer.
"I do love, I truly think it will all be alright," he murmured, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to my forehead. I sighed and leaned back into the pillows. I would doze or talk softly to Arthur until another contraction would make pain spread through my lower abdomen. The doctor and nurses would come and check on me every twenty-five to forty-five minutes and tell me how I was doing.
It wasn't until eight hours later, when one of the nurses checked on me and told me I was fully dilated, did I have to start pushing. The contractions were one right after another now. It was almost unbearable at this point. The doctor came over and sat down in front of me.
"Alright Mrs. Kirkland, I need you to push," he instructed calmly. I groaned at the effort and fell back onto the bed when I was done with the one. It took another twenty minutes of this with Arthur encouraging me the entire time. Finally, after what felt like days of agony, the baby was born.
Arthur pressed soft kissed all over my sweaty face as I breathed heavily for air. Tears were still falling as I tried to find comfort in Arthur's closeness. Even as he kissed me and whispered sweetness in my ear however, I felt something was off. I look around Arthur and realized how quiet it was.
"A-Arthur," I stammered, praying it wasn't true. I saw the doctor holding the newborn in his arms, carefully slapping its feet. My heart clenched in my chest and I shook my head. Arthur turned and looked as well, wrapping a strong arm around my shoulders. I buried my face in my hands and let out a choked cry.
"_," Arthur whispered sadly. I shook my head, not able to take the terrible, numbing pain filling my head and heart. I'd done everything. I'd made it through seven and a half months for nothing. The contractions and entire birthing process was nothing compared to this. I had blocked out everything at this point, ready to give up completely, until I heard a loud, clear, shrill cry break the deafening silence.
My head shot up, my eyes wide as I watched the baby wriggle and scream in the doctor's arms. I felt fresh tears fill my eyes and something completely new and wonderful filled my chest. I reached out weakly, wanting desperately to hold the newborn. The doctor looked up and smiled at me.
"Mrs. Kirkland, I'm happy to say you have a strong, healthy baby boy," he said, letting a nurse take the infant for a moment before walking to me with him. He set the tiny baby in my arms and smiled at both of us before walking off. The little boy squirmed slightly, but quieted down once he got settled in my arms. He was small, being over two months premature, but I didn't care. He was mine, and he was alive.
"Look at him Arthur," I whispered, rubbing my thumb of his smooth cheek. I heard the Englishman chuckle and lean over me slightly. "He's perfect." He eyes opened slightly and they were a light, grayish blue.
"He's beautiful," Arthur said, rubbing a gentle hand over the blonde fuzz on his head. I looked at the door as I heard it open softly. I saw two red heads and three blondes sticking their heads in.
"Come on in boys," I said softly, looking back down at the newborn in my arms. The five men shuffled in and surround the bed. Arthur's three older brothers watched in awe, looking at the little newborn sitting snug in my arms. His two younger step brothers were looking curiously at the child.
"He's so little," Alfred said, reaching out to stroke his nephew's cheek. Matthew walked closer too and smiled.
"It's 'cause he's was born prematurely Al," he explained for his twin. I smiled and looked over at Allistor who looked like he was holding back tears.
"Allistor," I said softly, rocking the infant gently, "do you wanna hold him?" I yawned, blinking tiredly. His emerald eyes widened but he nodded his head all the same. I held him out and the Scot took him in his arms. I leaned back into Arthur's embrace and watched him. He looked almost dumbfounded at the child, unable to take in the little baby. The boy gurgled and laughed sweetly, making him smile.
"What do ye plan on namin' him?" he asked, looking between me, Arthur and the child. I looked up at Arthur before smiling.
"How about William?" I offered, looking back to the child in my brother-in-law's grasp. Arthur broke into a grin and nodded, kissing me quickly.
"It's perfect." Allistor chuckled and bounced William gently.
"Aye, it suits him," the redhead said, looking back to me and grinning. "Ye know Artie, this only means tha' we'll be visitin' more often now." The Englishman paled visibly and I laughed, truly laughed after all the months of stressing.
"And we'll be more than glad to see you," I replied, looking at Arthur with a raised eyebrow. He groaned and leaned his forehead against mine. "I love you," I cooed, bumping noses with him. He smirked and rolled his eyes.
"Mhm, I love you too dear," he replied. I kissed him softly, knowing now that everything was going to be alright.