Warning: Angst. OOC? (You tell me.)
Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran. At all.
Authoress Note: I think this is the angstiest and most morbid Ouran fic I've ever written. I'm serious about that angst warning; this made me a little sad. And angsting Tamaki is pretty hard to write. This is a SHINE challenge fic for Phobias issued by Tranquillezza. My phobia was Thanatophobia, or a fear of death or dying for TamaKyou. When I got the challenge I thought, "What's stopping Tamaki's grandma from just stringing him along on that false hope?" So I think Tamaki would realize that too.
-o0o-
Tamaki didn't like it.
He didn't like the subject of death. He found it icky and depressing and all of the other things he didn't want to deal with.
He did not like it all. He wasn't afraid of it, per say. It just made bad things enter his mind. It made him think about the things that he didn't want to and that troubled him because he always wanted Kyouya to see his smiling face.
He wasn't afraid. He wasn't afraid in the least bit.
He knew that everyone had to die sometime, even Tamaki wasn't that ignorant. Everyone had a time when they would no longer be with the living and Tamaki accepted that.
But what if her time was already up?
No. No. He would not think of that. He would just get depressed and then Kyouya would know that something was wrong. That he was afraid.
Not afraid. He was not afraid.
Tamaki just needed to get his mind off of the subject. He didn't want Kyouya to worry about him; Kyouya worried far more than a person needed to. He just had to keep up his cheerful appearance. Laugh and smile and not let anyone know what he was truly thinking. He'd just worry them all anyway and then he'd feel guilty along with that horrible nausea he was feeling.
But he wasn't afraid. There was no reason for him to be afraid.
Death was a normal part of life. In fact, death was a part of life as life was a part of it. It shouldn't have made his chest convulse with the feeling of something horrid. It shouldn't have made tears brim at his eyes.
Because what if she was gone?
Ice dipped into his veins at the thought of it and a horrible chocking feeling lodged its way into his throat.
She's gone, isn't she?
The one question he would never have the strength to ask and of course there was no assurance that he would even get an answer. Sometimes he didn't even want an answer. Sometimes he was so sure that that nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach was true, he couldn't bear to think otherwise. Sometimes he couldn't bear to give himself the hope that he was wrong because that tormenting thought kept returning to his mind.
What if he wasn't?
What if her vibrant eyes, so much like his own, no longer sparkled with life? What if they no longer sparkled with anything, but dark stillness like the deepest depths of the ocean? What if her fair skin was no longer fair, but tinged with blue and as cold as the thoughts of her body made Tamaki feel?
Why wouldn't the thoughts just go away?
Was his mind really as sadistic as Tamaki told himself it was or was he just masochistic for thinking the thoughts over and over again? Like prodding at an old wound, the pain somehow seemed a little worse each time. It seemed like eventually the wound would manifest itself with the original pain, bleeding freshly, so vibrantly, but oh so painfully.
Tamaki didn't know that it was possible to have your heart hurt that much.
His eyes burned and warmth dripped down his cheeks. Once he felt that pain there was no stopping it. It was in his chest, stopping his lungs, chocking him because those thoughts would never go away.
And just as his body shuddered with a long needed sob, a hand was on his shoulder. He looked up to see steel grey eyes looking down on him with concern, warmth, and love.
Kyouya didn't need to say anything to Tamaki; he just needed to hold out his hand to him, just like the blonde had done for him for so many years. He needed to hold onto Tamaki until the tears ceased, until the pain stopped and for eternity.
Because Tamaki was afraid. He was so very, very afraid. He had never been more afraid in his life because the uncertainty dripping around his heart was the most aching and frightening thing that he had ever had to face.
Because what if Tamaki's mother was just like how he felt when he was alone in the night?
Dead.