I imagined asking you to move in with me so many times. I phrased and
rephrased words in my mind, envisioned your responses, from ecstatic
agreements to looks of disgust, even though I knew I would receive
something rather in the middle. And when I finally asked, you just looked
at me and shrugged.
"Hey, why don't you just move in? We'll split the rent, and it's close to your work." I asked casually, as I had known I would when I imagined it. You thought for a minute and gave me an odd look.
"Sure. Why not?" you shrugged as you replied, like it was no big deal. It really wasn't.
That night we were both watching TV, commenting on various plotlines and mocking the actors, like we always do. I was on one end of the couch, you were on the other, and at some point, we became really shy.
"Duo," I suggested softly, "no one would know if we did." You looked grateful- we understood each other so completely. In an instant, you were curled up in my arms, and we snuggled on the couch for the rest of the night. It was perfect; you were so warm and soft and yielding. You must have felt something too, because when we went to bed that night, you followed me, and we stayed within arms reach the rest of the night. Nothing improper or exciting, more like brothers, but it was still perfect.
We woke up and went to our jobs the next morning, and when we came home you cooked dinner. And then you sighed and looked so... pained.
"Heero... I can't. I mean, I want to, I want to try, but I can't. Am I making any sense?" You asked.
I know what you mean. We want to be lovers, both of us. We tried once before, even if we never had sex, and you bagged after two weeks. But we were still best friends, because I understood then, like now. You can't do commitment, not where feelings are involved. You get scared, so fast, like a deer, and then you run away.
"Hey, it's no big deal." I smiled at you, conveying my understanding. "You already know how I work; whatever we have, there are no strings attached. Ever."
"How true can you stay to that?" you whisper. You look so vulnerable, and I know one sudden move would break any chance of a relationship. You look, involuntarily, at the hair tie on my wrist.
"Duo, I know this is very cliche, but... would you like to try a 'friend's with benefits" thing?" I laugh, and you laugh too. We both hate being cliche, but it happens, and when it does we laugh at the irony of it.
"Could we do that?" you ask wonderingly.
"Of course we could. It's not like we care what other people think." I rose and walked over to your seat, knelt by your chair. Tentatively, I lifted a hand and stroked your cheek, waiting for you to come to a decision.
You did, suddenly, as always. You just swept in abruptly and kissed me, right there. And for the next few months, that was that.
And then, a few moths later, you became more distant, with a wild look in your eye. I took the initiative, before you decided it'd be better to just leave.
"You know, Duo, if you want to date other people, it's ok. We already defined our relationship." I looked at you from underneath my lids and smiled a bit. "You don't need to worry about it."
"And if I want to sleep with them too?" you asked challengingly, a glint in your eye.
"You can even sleep with them here, if you feel like it. The only unwritten rule I feel compelled to add- don't get married unless I'm the best man. Or the groom." I added as a teasing afterthought. You pursed your lips and tried to look annoyed, but ended up laughing with me.
The next night, you brought home a date. I didn't know it at the time- I worked late, walked in, and went to sleep in my own room, noticing you were gone, but falling asleep anyway. The next morning, I sat on the couch and had a cup of coffee, as a random girl walked in and blinked at me.
"Uh..ummm..." she sputtered, totally taken aback by my presence.
"Morning." I offered by way of greeting. "Coffee's in the pot, tea is in the cupboard above, juice in the fridge. I assume Duo is still asleep."
"Ok. Good morning." she said, and made herself tea. "You are...?" she left the question hanging.
"Heero. Duo's best friend and roomate."
"And sometimes his lover." she finished for me. "He told me all about you. I'm Karyi. And you probably won't see me again- I don't think I could take the competeition." she laughed as she said that, finished her tea, and then left. I didn't ever see her again.
Now, six months later, you stand in front of me, telling me you need to leave.
"Heero, you don't understand. I'm tied here. I feel trapped, if only by emotion. I can't stay...even of the cage door is open, it's still a cage. I can't deal with this!" you say forcefully, convincing yourself as much as me. Blindly, you push an envelope into my hands.
"Duo... what can I do?" I ask. Your love, your commitment, I could live without. Your friendship and presence... that, I might die without.
"I might come back someday. If you *dare* get depressed, don't even think about offing yourself." that was said with a ferocity that surprised me. "Remove that stupid hairtie. It will only remind you of me, forever." you demand. You understand what that tie symbolizes. I never even had to tell you- you already know. Automatically, I grab my wrist, covering it, as I reply.
"No." I state it simply, without rancor. A thought occurs to me, and I voice it, having nothing left to lose. "Duo... are you leaving because I'm trapping you? Or because you're trapping yourself?" You snarl wordlessly in reply. "Duo, what...what do you feel?" Finally, I ask the question that has hung between us for what seemed like centuries. And you react like you always do, when struck. You straighten your shoulders and pretend you're calm and completely in control.
"I don't know. When, if, I do, you'll see me again." you say, so calmly. Calmly like a wall of endless silent fog.
You leave me standing there, holding an envelope in my hands. You leave me standing there...forever?
"Hey, why don't you just move in? We'll split the rent, and it's close to your work." I asked casually, as I had known I would when I imagined it. You thought for a minute and gave me an odd look.
"Sure. Why not?" you shrugged as you replied, like it was no big deal. It really wasn't.
That night we were both watching TV, commenting on various plotlines and mocking the actors, like we always do. I was on one end of the couch, you were on the other, and at some point, we became really shy.
"Duo," I suggested softly, "no one would know if we did." You looked grateful- we understood each other so completely. In an instant, you were curled up in my arms, and we snuggled on the couch for the rest of the night. It was perfect; you were so warm and soft and yielding. You must have felt something too, because when we went to bed that night, you followed me, and we stayed within arms reach the rest of the night. Nothing improper or exciting, more like brothers, but it was still perfect.
We woke up and went to our jobs the next morning, and when we came home you cooked dinner. And then you sighed and looked so... pained.
"Heero... I can't. I mean, I want to, I want to try, but I can't. Am I making any sense?" You asked.
I know what you mean. We want to be lovers, both of us. We tried once before, even if we never had sex, and you bagged after two weeks. But we were still best friends, because I understood then, like now. You can't do commitment, not where feelings are involved. You get scared, so fast, like a deer, and then you run away.
"Hey, it's no big deal." I smiled at you, conveying my understanding. "You already know how I work; whatever we have, there are no strings attached. Ever."
"How true can you stay to that?" you whisper. You look so vulnerable, and I know one sudden move would break any chance of a relationship. You look, involuntarily, at the hair tie on my wrist.
"Duo, I know this is very cliche, but... would you like to try a 'friend's with benefits" thing?" I laugh, and you laugh too. We both hate being cliche, but it happens, and when it does we laugh at the irony of it.
"Could we do that?" you ask wonderingly.
"Of course we could. It's not like we care what other people think." I rose and walked over to your seat, knelt by your chair. Tentatively, I lifted a hand and stroked your cheek, waiting for you to come to a decision.
You did, suddenly, as always. You just swept in abruptly and kissed me, right there. And for the next few months, that was that.
And then, a few moths later, you became more distant, with a wild look in your eye. I took the initiative, before you decided it'd be better to just leave.
"You know, Duo, if you want to date other people, it's ok. We already defined our relationship." I looked at you from underneath my lids and smiled a bit. "You don't need to worry about it."
"And if I want to sleep with them too?" you asked challengingly, a glint in your eye.
"You can even sleep with them here, if you feel like it. The only unwritten rule I feel compelled to add- don't get married unless I'm the best man. Or the groom." I added as a teasing afterthought. You pursed your lips and tried to look annoyed, but ended up laughing with me.
The next night, you brought home a date. I didn't know it at the time- I worked late, walked in, and went to sleep in my own room, noticing you were gone, but falling asleep anyway. The next morning, I sat on the couch and had a cup of coffee, as a random girl walked in and blinked at me.
"Uh..ummm..." she sputtered, totally taken aback by my presence.
"Morning." I offered by way of greeting. "Coffee's in the pot, tea is in the cupboard above, juice in the fridge. I assume Duo is still asleep."
"Ok. Good morning." she said, and made herself tea. "You are...?" she left the question hanging.
"Heero. Duo's best friend and roomate."
"And sometimes his lover." she finished for me. "He told me all about you. I'm Karyi. And you probably won't see me again- I don't think I could take the competeition." she laughed as she said that, finished her tea, and then left. I didn't ever see her again.
Now, six months later, you stand in front of me, telling me you need to leave.
"Heero, you don't understand. I'm tied here. I feel trapped, if only by emotion. I can't stay...even of the cage door is open, it's still a cage. I can't deal with this!" you say forcefully, convincing yourself as much as me. Blindly, you push an envelope into my hands.
"Duo... what can I do?" I ask. Your love, your commitment, I could live without. Your friendship and presence... that, I might die without.
"I might come back someday. If you *dare* get depressed, don't even think about offing yourself." that was said with a ferocity that surprised me. "Remove that stupid hairtie. It will only remind you of me, forever." you demand. You understand what that tie symbolizes. I never even had to tell you- you already know. Automatically, I grab my wrist, covering it, as I reply.
"No." I state it simply, without rancor. A thought occurs to me, and I voice it, having nothing left to lose. "Duo... are you leaving because I'm trapping you? Or because you're trapping yourself?" You snarl wordlessly in reply. "Duo, what...what do you feel?" Finally, I ask the question that has hung between us for what seemed like centuries. And you react like you always do, when struck. You straighten your shoulders and pretend you're calm and completely in control.
"I don't know. When, if, I do, you'll see me again." you say, so calmly. Calmly like a wall of endless silent fog.
You leave me standing there, holding an envelope in my hands. You leave me standing there...forever?