JACK'S FABRIC
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Disclaimer: Warner Brothers, DC Comics and Bob Cane get all the credit. I don't own any of this wonderful stuff. BTW, this story is based off a CRAZY episode of Duckman.
A/N: This fic was written several years ago - so it's not the best. Still worth a read though. Please review!! It's a comedy, but it's written serious and there are some serious tones to it. This was suppose to be part of a 'Jack and Eddie' series Silver and I were doing WAY back. Anyway, the pair may be a little out of character sometimes. HOWEVER, I can hear their voices saying all this stuff no problem… so it must not be TOO bad…
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Edward Nygma, out of costume, sipped his tea casually as he glanced over the newspaper. Though nothing particularly caught his interest, even super villains needed to keep up with current events. Besides, it was routine. Flipping to a large picture of Two Face struggling against authorities a tiny smile formed within the corners of his mouth. Headline - TWO FACE SHUT DOWN.
His office door burst open suddenly without warning. Fortunately, this was Gotham and nothing startled him anymore.
"EDDIE!" someone shouted, a sense of joy and urgency all in one.
"Good morning, Jack." Eddie said tonelessly, without bothering to look up… "You should see this picture of Harvey. It's quite-"
"I've made a horrible mistake!" the other insisted, arms flailing melodramatically. He was theatrically amusing always.
"Oh, Jack…" Eddie smirked, folding up the newspaper. "We've been over this a dozen times. The toilet is to the left and the laundry hamper it to the right."
"Smart ass." Joker flopped into the chair before his almost-friend. It was strange. He let Nygma get away with a lot. NO ONE called him Jack anymore… except Nygma. Their relationship was quite unique. "I'm the one who gets the punch lines. Remember that!"
"Of course, Jack…" Eddie always humoured him. Using a person's name a lot has that effect it seems. Sighing, he added, "What have you done this time?"
"This time? This time? Why Edward!"
Ed raised an eye brow and Jack continued, "Alright, so I've had a few… fiascos… no one's perfect…"
"Which you are a stunning testimony too, Jack."
"BURN." Joker made a face. "Eddie, Eddie, Eddie… TSK, TSK… What's gotten into you, old boy? You're never this caustic out of costume. If I didn't know any better…"
"Just because I'm not wearing the costume, doesn't mean I'm not Riddler." Ed shuffled papers, eyes down - the way he did when he was confronted with a very personal issue he didn't care for. Riddler gave his confidence. Riddler gave him power. Without the costume he felt very vulnerable.
"Whatever, Ed - you're BOTH egotistical asses - we're not here to yack about YOUR issues though. We're here because 1) you live here… and 2) I've got a problem. A problem I have yet to explain. SO… shut up and listen."
"Very well…" Nygma sighed, shoving his cup and saucer aside.
"This morning Harley wasn't there to make my breakfast… and well, not that she can cook anyway… you've tasted her hash browns - YUCK - though she does make a rather good brownie pudding… I'm sure you've tried it, haven't you?"
"Yes, yes." Eddie prompted him on absently.
He continued, satirical, "Well, anyway, I tried to make myself… something they call TOAST… I dunno, must be a delicacy… ANYWAY, I accidentally-"
"-dropped the toaster in the sink again?"
"Yes… but this time the sink was full of water. It was BAD."
Eddie sighed, "What's the problem? You're still alive."
"Well, you know very well what happens when a plugged-in electrical appliance hits water…"
"Alright, YOU survived, but what guest didn't?" Eddie smirked. Then he added, "Seriously, did you burn the place down, Jack?"
"I wish!" Joker slammed the desk. "Guess! Come on, you'll never guess!"
"I don't know, Jack. You blew all the power in that part of town."
"Nope, nope…"
"There was an explosion."
"Wrong again."
"I don't know, just tell me." Ed was impatient.
"I thought you were suppose to be smart." Jack pushed a button.
"JACK-"
Jack unexpectedly slammed a blade down into the desk, just missing Edward's hand. "Wrong playing card, Eddie." His said darkly, warning. He flashed the jack of spades and flipped it over - a joker. The symbolism was clever and intimidating.
Pocketing the card, Jack relaxed back in the chair - "Well?"
After some silence, Ed calmly replied - "Tell me."
"I ripped the fabric of space, warp and time." Joker was very blunt.
Ed said nothing at first, then sighed, "Jack…"
"No, seriously, Ed. That's it. No lie. No joke. No game."
"I'm sure you did." Ed muttered, shifting in his chair. "Moving on… did I show you this picture of Har-"
"I'm serious, Riddle-me-this!" Joker insisted. "Because of my mistake… anyone from anytime who ever existed can enter my home through holes in the fabric of space, warp and time!"
"Let me get this straight…" Ed was rubbing his temples, annoyed. It would all almost be amusing if it was happening to someone else. "You claim that anyone whose every existed… past, present or future… can enter your home through portals?"
"Well, it's not SO random… because they're always some form of ME."
"Now… you're starting to lose me…" Eddie admitted, eyes a mix of sceptical and confused.
"Edward." Joker was losing patience now. "Different versions of me from the past, present and future are popping in and outta my house every few minutes! There's this startling blue flash-"
"And who explained all this to you, Jack?" Ed asked. "How do you know exactly what's going on?"
"I asked a version of myself from the future who's apparently a very brilliant scientist…" Jack explained carelessly, putting his feet up on the desk. "He just happened to specialize in the study of the fabric of space, warp and time."
Eddie forced himself not to laugh. "There's a non-criminal, brilliant scientist (of some field I've never even heard of) version of YOU in your bedroom…"
"Actually, he was in the bathroom… and he's gone now. They're only around for a few seconds… possibly minutes. They kinda pop in and out. You know, gone as quickly as they came."
A headache gently forming, Ed sighed, sounding tired - "Jack, do you have any idea the ramifications such a thing would have…"
"Repercussions." Joker corrected.
"Both work." Ed muttered absently. "Regardless, if such a concept were true, the aftermath would be disastrous…"
Eddie was tired of this ridiculous game. He had much planned for the day and needed to get changed and started. Joker often burst into his office with crazy tales of tomfoolery and tried to lead him around the world for a short cut that never existed… but today, he wasn't in the mood.
"Right. Well, Jack… good of you to drop by… but I have work to do. So, if you'd kindly show yourself the door… I'm going to wipe this stupid conversation from my mind in order to store more valuable happenings - for example, tying my shoes, stirring my tea… and this picture of Harvey. Alright?"
"But, Ed…" Joker dropped his feet from the desk, looking hurt.
"Bye now. Call me." Eddie casually helped him from the chair and shoved him towards the door.
"Ed-"
"We'll do this again sometime real soon. Only… make sense." With that, he shut and locked the door. He sighed, turning and walking back. Joker was so unpredictable. He just… showed up…
The cell phone under Ed's jacket rang and he answered it cheerfully.
"ED!" Jack bellowed into the phone. Eddie could hear him speaking from the other side of the door as well - it was almost comical. Only Joker would be so insane. He could have easily shouted through the door. "I need to ask a big favour…"
"Like what?" Eddie had heard this one before.
"I need you to pop in tonight and feed the children. Harley and I aren't gonna be around for a few days and she'll go ballistic if they aren't tended too… oh, and then there's the fact if we starve them they'll go completely insane and eat us when we return." He said this all so casually…
Eddie glanced at his watch and sighed silently. "Can't Ivy do it?"
"Ew, Red? Get out, Riddles. I don't care how tight she and Harley are… she's not setting a foot in my pad. I hate her and she hates me! In fact, that reminds me… don't ever mention the name Poison Ivy in my presence again."
"I'm not in your presence, you clown. Besides, why can't all your henchmen handle it?"
"They hate the children!" Jack protested. "Plus their coming with us."
"Really, Jack… why take them with you? And why ME? If I didn't know any better, I'd think you just want me to go to your place and entertain this stupid 'FABRIC OF SPACE, WARP AND TIME' story…"
"Maybe…" Joker dragged the word out, silly.
"I really don't have time for this, J-"
"I'm right and your wrong, Nygma." Joker was suddenly, very serious. He knew exactly how to push the megalomaniac's buttons and proved it time and time again. "You're WRONG."
"What? That's ridiculous. I-"
"Go tonight and prove me wrong. I challenge you. PROVE ME WRONG."
"FINE. I'll feed your monsters and take a peek around the place. I'll prove you're an idiot."
"Good, good. Ta Ta!" Joker was cheerful.
"Whatever." Ed hung up, ego inflamed.
~?~?~
That evening, Eddie stepped into Jack's new hideout, frowning. His lovely "10 Leslie" was leagues above the dump. However, he'd never tell Jack that. Glancing back, he nodded to his men, waiting in the car. For some reason, against all logic, he'd given them the cliché - "Wait here." Ah, so many a good super villain ended up dead this way. 'Wait here. I pay you to wait in the car while I take all the risk.' It didn't make sense, but it just tended to happen. He was dealing with the Joker… or at the very least dangerous hyenas… WHY did he go the way of "Wait here"… ? Oh well. Life was lined with unnecessary risk…
He noticed the hyenas, affectionately referred to as 'children', sleeping on the floor in the corner. Cautiously he approached the fridge. He'd watched Jack's goon feed them once or twice and knew some bloody stakes would be waiting there. He pulled them out and tossed them uneasily before the grey and black beasts…
As he finished feeding them, he prepared to leave… then remembered the promised to look around. To wait a few moments for a 'portal'… or whatever…
Sighing, he waited. Glancing at his watch, he timed two minutes and decided he'd had enough. He threw the wild animals three more stakes just to be certain they wouldn't attack him on his way out… and then started for the door… when…
He heard a strange sound and caught a glimpse of blue light coming from the next room…
Sceptical, he approached. He expected to come across Joker in a costume - a lab coat or something… "Jack? Nice try-"
Opening the door, he was startled, having come face to face with a handsome and distinguished middle aged man. The fellow grinned, "Greetings!"
"And you are?" Ed was on guard.
The stranger didn't answer, looking around the room. "HM… I'd say this is Jack and Harley's place… God, 15 years ago… and YOU… are a spitting image of myself when I was that much younger… What's happening? What have you done?"
Eddie glared, "Oh, very cute. Yes, Jack hires some older man to play older Edward and convince me that this whole stupid-"
"What?" the other interrupted. "You're not making sense. What's going on? How did I get here?"
Very annoyed now, Ed started to satirically explain, "Well apparently, my contemporary ripped the very fabric of space, warp and time and now whoever enters his home shall be plagued with versions of themselves from the past, present and future… just popping in and out… I'm sure he explained it all when he paid you to frighten me."
The other's jaw dropped. "I remember this! I remember this night… Yes, I wiped it from my mind… It was traumatizing and I needed the space for more important things… such as useless dead languages…" After a moment he asked, "How did this happen?"
Ed tried to remember what Jack had said that morning:
'Without Batman… crime has no punch line…'
Nope. Wrong conversation.
'Talking to you is harder then nailing Jell-o to a tree, Riddles!'
Nope. Wrong conversation. Irrelevant regardless.
'If you're so smart, why aren't you rich?"
GRRR. Definitely not. Wrong person.
'I ripped the fabric of space, warp and time!'
Closer.
'I had this fun dream where it rained soda pop!'
Maybe… wait, no, no, NO…
'I dropped the toaster in the sink.'
BINGO.
"I say, dear boy, are you still there?" The older man teased, having watched Ed think, eyes at his feet for a while now.
"Yes, yes, sorry." Ed said presently. "He dropped a toaster in the sink."
"Ah yes, he was always doing that."
"Oh please! Anyone could pretend to be future me."
"Jack doesn't know anything about your personal past, Ed. Hm… let me try and remember the statement I made that convinced you when I was you and me was… WELL… no one, perhaps… Strange, me was me and you're me… and… GOODNESS… this is difficult, isn't it? It's like one giant LOOP. Maybe."
"WHAT?"
The other man was thinking now, eyes down at his shoes. Just like Ed tended to.
"Oh wow, so you've observed my body language. WHATEVER. Who are you?"
"You, of course. 15 years in the future."
"My, my. Aren't we looking well…" Ed was caustic. "And just what pray tell is our future? And please, DO be creative. It's safe to assume we aren't in prison or an asylum…"
"We went straight and started our own software company. You ditched the insane riddle gig and became the richest man in the state."
"Even richer than Bruce Wayne?" Ed raised an eyebrow.
"That's what I said." The future Ed pulled out his pipe.
"Oh, AS IF. You're a terrible actor. Jack! Come on NOW! This isn't-"
"No, no - Jack and his gang really left tonight, me. This is all real. You were asked to come here and then you're going to meet with the Scarecrow. You're going to cut a deal… can't quite remember what now… it was a long time ago… but…"
"Oh SURE… you only remember what I told Jack. How convenient."
"Since I'm telling the truth I find it inconvenient, thank you."
"I always say that…" Ed was a little surprised. Though he supposed it was a common phrase… maybe… possible… well, he'd never heard anyone else use it…
"Yes, well, I cancelled the meeting because of a headache. Then I decided to walk home. On the way… I bumped into a beautiful, rich software designer. We hit it off and well… I went straight, we married and are very happy, very rich and reasonably famous."
"I prefer brunettes."
"Actually, you have no preference. Having little experience with women, you've never been picky."
Burn. Jack didn't know that.
"Prove it. I need proof." Ed secretly wanted to believe.
"Oh, I just remembered what convinces you, chap. If you'll wait just an instant… just an instant… hm, it should happen any moment now… um, well, anyway, good luck, wonderful to see you… Oh, to be young again, Edward - enjoy it while you-"
He vanished in a flash of blue.
Ed blinked, absolutely shocked. There was the proof. Yet… it could still be fake. Stage performers did more. Yes, David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear.
Suddenly, a terrible headache struck him. Remembering the prediction, he pulled out his cell phone and decided to cancel the meeting. Why not? If it was true… GREAT! What a wonderful future!
Suddenly, another flash of blue startled him. He dropped the phone. Behind him! He turned and a drunk, grubby middle aged man stumbled towards him and collapsed.
"Who the hell…?" Eddie was shaken now.
"You look like me…" the rough looking fellow muttered, obviously drunk and disoriented. He pulled out a bottle of booze…
"WHAT?" Edward was confused. "You certainly aren't from my past… but I've seen my future… what… what's happening?"
"I don't know. One minute I was getting' on the curb in New Mexico… the next I'm here…"
"Who are you? Explain. NOW." Ed was growing alarmed.
"I'm Ed Nygma…" he muttered, drinking.
"WHAT?" present Eddie gasped. "How- What's YOUR story?"
"Huh? Well… it all goes back… um… 15 years ago… I guess. I cancelled that stupid meeting with the Scarecrow… and then… on you're way home it started raining, so you abandoned this crazy plan I had to walk - I wanted some lame prediction to come true, I think… I dunno… ANYWAY, it was just awful, man… I got into a car accident with some rich guy. By the time I got outta Arkham, he'd sued my ass off."
Starting to believe, Ed's exterior remained smooth… but inside, his pulse was quickening. "What can I do to prevent this terrible future?"
"How should I know? I barely know when I'm gonna soil myself next."
A blue flash removed him.
Ed stood in silence a moment. Wow. Bending over, he picked up his phone. Still not sure if all this was REAL… he decided to play it safe. He would cancel the meeting and WALK home. Immediately. He began dialling the phone…
Suddenly, another flash startled him. This time he caught the phone, his nerves adapting. The fellow that stood before him was buff and angry with tattoos all over his body…
"What? What did I do to create YOU?" Ed was annoyed now. This was ridiculous. None of these men bore EXTREME resemblance too him. Just hair and eye colour. If Jack was going to this much trouble…
"You! Thanks to you I'm in prison!" snarled the future Ed. "I'm from 18 years in the future. The time you and your perfect wife divorce. You just couldn't let the Riddler die… so NOW, I'm in a prison for the rest of my worthless life because of you!"
"Oh… so…" Ed stopped the call. "So… either way… something bad happens…"
"Don't CALL Scarecrow to cancel the meeting. 16 years from now you'll have mixed feelings about not doing so face to face… and that's what starts all this trouble for me."
"So, I need to go to Scarecrow and cancel the meeting face to face?" Eddie looked hopeful.
"Yes. Then make sure you're on Elm Street around midnight. You'll bump into her… and then things should work out for everyone. Don't let me down." The future Eddie snarled. "Oh and by the way… tonight an adorable girl in lavender is going to throw herself at you. Don't be stupid. She'd drunk. Her husband turns out to be your lawyer 17 years from now in the biggest trial of your life. He wants revenge and screws up your case on purpose! … Plus, I think she has an STD…"
"I'll remember that." Eddie blinks.
"You'd better! Our future depends on it!"
"How do you understand all this so well?" Ed was still sceptical.
"THINK, loser. I've talked with you three times in this room through these portals over the course of our lives…PLUS, I was YOU 18 years ago! We aren't all different people, dumb ass! We're all YOU! I remembered this night and I've waited for this chance to warn you for two years - DON'T MESS UP!!"
"I… think I understand…" Ed trailed off, confused. Before the other could reply, he was gone. The blew had swallowed him…
Ed glanced at his watch. He had to leave for Scarecrow NOW. He started for the door, when beside him, another flash made him jump…
"Wait! If you visit Scarecrow in person… he'll cut off your arms!" an armless Edward shrieked. He looked exactly like current Edward!
Eddie paled. "OH… MY… GOD…"
Before anything more could be said, the slightly future Ed vanished.
Ed was too distraught to speak. He stood staring, trying to regain himself. What he HELL?! IT WAS REAL… it was REAL… Jack had been telling the truth… There was NO WAY he could fake a CURRENT Edward… could he?
"I can't do ANYTHING!" he suddenly shouted, waking up the sleepy children. "I can't do anything without messing up something else!"
He suddenly realized it was like a giant puzzle. He pulled out a pad of paper and a pen and began trying different combinations to figure out what to do. Things made so much more sense when he turned them into riddles. However, this one… was particularly difficult…
Suddenly, a flash struck and a well-dressed Edward appeared just long enough to say, "This little pad and paper scenario right now causes you to realise accounting is your true calling. You become a wealthy accountant. Thanks ever so much!"
He disappeared and Ed ripped up and tossed away the pad of paper in frustration. "There are too many options! What the HELL-"
Suddenly, the blue returned and there stood the same accountant from seconds earlier. He looked poor and shabby. Angry, he snapped, "Thanks a lot, you ass! Tossing away your calculations like that causes me to go completely bankrupt two years down the line. You SUCK!" He vanished leaving Edward alone again.
"AHH!!" Ed screamed, slamming a chair into the wall. "The slightest things I do affect my future completely! I keep going from one extreme to the other! Do those other Edwards I spoke to early even exist anymore? Have I killed them1? Help me someone, please!!" He was absolutely seething.
A bleeding Eddie suddenly appears, "Throwing that chair upsets the children and-" He was gone.
Suddenly, the hyenas burst into the room. Panicked, Edward ducked into the next room and locked the door. Panting, he hoped they would calm down and leave him alone. Without that warning… WOW… there was no doubt anymore… this was REAL…
Sighing, he decided to sit on the floor and think. He wouldn't do ANYTHING until he'd found a solution. This puzzle had to have a solution! Suddenly, the criminal Edward with all the tattoos reappeared. "NO! Don't sit down! If you sit down now they'll sentence you the death sentence in 20 years! YOU'RE LETTING ME DOWN, BITCH!!"
Panicked, Ed snapped to his feet - "You still exist? What-"
Criminal Edward Nygma went to punch him VERY hard, but thankfully disappeared just in time…
"Edward…" another form of himself appeared, this one dressed as a doctor. "Please, I haven't much time. Listen carefully-"
"NO!" Eddie covered his ears. "NO MORE."
As the doctor vanished, the accountant appeared again, looking rich again… "Don't cover your ears! If you do you'll never win the lottery after you go bankrupt and your future wife will stop loving you and refuse to grant you visits to your three children whom she gets custody of!" Then he was devoured by blue.
"What do I do!?" Eddie was frustrated. "That's it! That's it! I'll just sit here and do nothing, say nothing, THINK NOTHING… If I don't do anything… nothing will change…"
After nearly ten minutes, Edward was relieved. It was working. No visitors. He continued for a few more moments, until, a blue flash took him by surprise. A sick Edward in a straight jacket appeared. "Sitting like this for several days drives you completely insane!" He suddenly vanished.
"Stop it!" Eddie screamed, then gasped, "Oh no, I spoke!"
Another flash, a wealthy Ed - "Don't worry. We still win the lottery."
"Oh, that's good."
The same Edward disappears and immediately appears again. "Oh great. Now you've said too much. Now you accidentally lose the lottery ticket. THANKS." He's gone.
"I've got to get out of this room." Eddie tells himself and rushes to the bathroom… maybe…
Suddenly, another flash and the straight jacket Ed appears again. "Don't hide in the bathroom too long… It drives you insane."
"Then the bedroom!" Eddie turns to get to the bedroom.
"No, no." another flash replaces the first and an Eddie with the body of a cow and the ears of a rabbit appears in the bedroom. "Next week one of Jack's insane projects will go terribly, terribly wrong…"
"NO!" Eddie tried to shield his eyes. "Where can I hide!?"
"Not the laundry room…" a weak voice managed. Eddie slide the door opened and gasped when he saw himself 10 minutes in the future being ripped apart by the children.
"GOOD LORD…" Ed closed the door again, mortified. He then looked around, desperate for a place to hide! "Fine. I'll stay here in the hall and be safe."
Suddenly, another successful looking Edward appears beside him with a fancy suit and monocle. "Yes, staying in the hall all night inspires you to the write the most famous poem ever written."
"Great." Eddie panted. "So, staying in the hall is good, right?"
Suddenly, he is gone and another appears in his place… a lunatic Edward wrapped like a mummy, holding an axe.
"How do you know that in the morning you won't misinterpret the inspiration and go on a mad killing spree?" He suddenly swings the axe wildly. "KILL! KILL! KILL!"
Suddenly, he vanishes and is replaced by the famous poet again. "No, no, old boy. I'm quite certain the inspiration will be positive."
With that he vanishes and is replaced with the killer again.
"NO! KILL! KILL! KILL! Negative inspiration! Very negative!! KILL!"
The poet takes his place, "Positive."
The killer takes his place, "Negative!"
The poet returns, "Positive."
The killer returns, "NEGATIVE!"
They continue for several moments, appearing and reappearing faster and faster, until they are both practically present at the same time. Unfortunately, every time the killer appears, as he screams he swings his bloody axe… and eventually, he accidentally cuts the poet in half.
"KILL! KILL! KILL!" the killer screams, swinging the axe insanely.
"I've got to get out of this house!!!" Eddie screams and runs back through the kitchen. He opens the front door and is startled…
"I wouldn't do this if I were you…" an Edward with a large log through his head warns seriously.
Eddie shrieked, slamming the front door.
"Shouldn't have slammed that door." An Ed with no eyes taps him on the shoulder, before vanishing in blue.
"Stop it! All of you!" Eddie screamed.
Suddenly, an Edward identical to himself appears.
"Who the hell are you?" he demanded.
"I'm you… 30 seconds in the future. Oh, and God bless you."
He vanished just as Edward sneezed. "Thanks." He muttered.
Suddenly, another twin Eddie appeared before him.
"Who the hell are you?" Eddie sniffled.
"Who the hell are you?" the Ed repeated.
"What?"
"What?"
"Oh, you're several seconds…"
"Oh, you're several seconds behind, right?"
"You're too close…"
"You're too close… you're overlapping…"
"…me…"
"…me…"
"…me…"
"…me…"
"AH!!!" Eddie shrieked.
"AH!!!"
"AHH!!!!"
"AHH!!!!"
Suddenly the Edward from the past vanished.
"Thank goodness." Eddie grumbled.
Suddenly, a much more attractive Edward with blonde hair, green eyes and no eye mask appears. He tips his hat politely, his hair adorable. "HELLO. I'M NOT FROM YOUR PAST, PRESENT OR FUTURE. IN FACT, I'M NOT FROM YOUR REALITY. I ACCIDENTLY GOT WRAPPED UP IN THIS RIP IN THE FABRIC, SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION."
"Why are you raising your voice like that?" Eddie asked, annoyed.
"IN MY REALITY EVERYONE TALKS LOUDER. DIFFERENT VOLUME THING GOIN' ON… AGAIN, SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION…" he was gone.
Another twin Eddie came and went, cringing, "Ouch! My ears!"
"Yes, he was loud…" Ed agreed and then realized what he was saying.
"Yes, he was loud…"
"Yes, he was loud…"
"Yes, he was loud…" Edward's just kept appearing and disappearing.
"Yes, he was-"
"AHHH!!!" Eddie interrupted, screaming in frustration.
Suddenly, an Ed a few seconds behind repeated him, "AHHH!!!"
He was gone and an Ed directly behind HIM in time repeated, "AHHH!!!"
A third did the same, "AHHH!!!"
The present Eddie cringed, "Ouch! My ears!" Then he stopped, realizing - "Oh, so that's where that one fits in… Right…"
"…fits in…" a twin Ed appeared and vanished.
"Leave me alone!" Eddie hissed. "All of you! Stop this madness!"
Then Ed noticed the telephone beside him. "I've got to call Jack's cell… he can't dump this mess on ME…"
Another unexpected Ed popped up. This one a grinning golfer. "Don't use the phone. You're future wife is going to call."
Eddie set down the phone and it rang.
Suddenly, the golfer appeared again, hands strangling him violently. "AH!!! Don't answer it… she's killing me!"
"Oh dear…" Ed stepped away from the phone.
Suddenly the door bell rang.
The golfer was replaced by a hockey player, "Answer it."
As he vanished a baseball player appeared, gasping, "NO. Don't!"
The hockey player reappeared, but before he could speak, Ed pushed past him. "Oh, shut up…" He opened the door.
There stood Poison Ivy dressed in the sexist hunter green dress… "Edward? Oh. Where's Harley? We're suppose to go clubbing tonight…"
"Oh, well, she and Jack went away on business. I'm sort of house sitting. Feeding the children… and such…" he tried to sound smooth and was failing. He wasn't great with women, especially gorgeous women. Plus, he had a thing for Ivy. Everyone did.
"Oh, well, ok…" Ivy sounded disappointed. "Well… um…" Then the awkward disappointment subsided to annoyed anger, "Hold on a second, can I ask you something?"
"Shoot." Bad thing for one criminal to say to another. Oh well.
"Why would they ask YOU? I mean… what's your connection? You think Harley would have called and told me she was leaving… or asked ME to take care of things… I mean, REALLY…"
Ed recognized her tendency to harp. She was gorgeous though. Awesome dress. Wait a minute… dress… He remembered the criminal's warning…
"Well, Jack and I-"
"Jack?" she raised an eyebrow. "I had no idea you were friends."
"One - Joker doesn't have friends. We just get along. Two - I don't make my business that of others. I keep a low profile." Ed responded quickly, but not unfriendly.
"That's a refreshing change." She muttered. "So many in this business don't. They're all talk, all flash…"
"Well…" he started, smiling modestly.
"I've seen you work. You're quite the gentlemen. Nice suit too."
"Thanks. Nice skin tone." He motioned to her green tinted flesh.
She was surprised, "Oh… nobody really cares for it…"
I do. Say I DO.
"Well, I love green." He motioned to his suit, sort of shy.
You idiot.
"I noticed." She smiled in her seductive, dangerous way, reminded him she didn't like men - she was deadly user. After a moment she added, "Can I step in and use the phone?"
Dangerous. User. Dress. Prediction. Lawyer. STD. AH.
"Uh… well…" he glanced back into the house. An Ed was sitting at the kitchen table, waving. Either way this was a bad idea. "NO."
She was taken aback. "Well, I never…" she turned sharply and started to leave.
"Wait…" he started… then he saw an Edward fall out of a tree in the side yard. Cringing, he continued, "I'm terrible sorry. I wish I could explain…"
"Right." She snorted, her back to him as she walked away.
Sighing, he watched her go and muttered… "Green dress."
The criminal appeared. "I said LAVENDER, dumb ass!"
"Oh CRAP." Was all Edward could say.
Five different versions of himself appeared in unison, "YOU IDIOT!"
He turned to chase her down and was stopped by a dying copy with one of Ivy's poison blades in his back. "Please… don't…" it uttered.
Startled, he recoiled and then cursed himself loudly. "What was I thinking?" he went on. "I could have invited her in and had her help me out with this mess. It would have been a great opportunity to spend time with her and then I wouldn't have to deal with this scary mess alone! I'M SO STUPID!!"
"You can say that again…" the criminal appeared. "I said lavender… and where did you get DRESS… I didn't say dr-" He was gone again.
Suddenly, the door bell rang again. Maybe she was back. He opened it only to find an adorable girl dressed in lavender stumbling. She giggled and started to explain, "Hey… I'm Destiny… my car broke down… and I've a little too much to drink… can we have sex?"
Without reacting, Ed slammed the door in her face.
There was a blue flash on the front step and Ed opened the door, concerned for the drunken girl. He was surprised to find her gone and a future version of himself messed up majorly by wind…
"Where-"
"Relax, she's gone - now CLOSE THE DOOR - A TORNADO'S COMING!"
Again, without reacting he slammed the door. This future thing was losing it's edge. Where the hell were all the past Edwards? Did they just repeat the ends of sentences, or what? Then again, he hated his past. Who wanted to see their teen selves, their child selves… MAN, he'd been such a loser…
Suddenly, a twin Ed appeared screaming, "NO!"
As soon as he left over a dozen twins appeared screaming, "YES!"
Then a strange montage of Edwards appeared back and forth screaming 'YES' and 'NO' for quite some time…
Eddie shrieked in frustration unexpectedly and ran out of the house. Free, he stopped, turning back. He was out… but what did leaving the house mean? Was he about to die? He probably should have walked away much earlier regardless. That was no way to be.
Sighing, he turned to where his car had been… but to his surprise… his men were gone. His car and goons were GONE. They must have observed the horror and fled… wow… this was bad…
Suddenly, a teenage Edward appeared, "Hey…" He wasn't SO dorky. He looked like the typical young adult of the time period… there wasn't as much freedom of style then, he supposed…
After an awkward silence, the boy ventured to ask, "Where am I?"
"Dead." Edward answered for no reason, annoyed.
The boy looked around… then he walked out into the street… "I was walking my dog… and it got off the leash… I chased it into the street and the next thing I knew… I was here with you…"
Ed blinked, shocked. He remembered that. He'd been hit by a car in his early teens, chasing his little dog into a suburban street without looking first. He hadn't died… but he'd woken in the hospital very confused, convinced he'd had a near-death experience. Not one of those 'light at the end of the tunnel' thing… no…
"The man in green…" he realized, understanding. He'd woke up with only one memory. A man in green. It all made sense now. CREEPY.
The boy was lost in frightened thought, looking around the neighbourhood. "Is this Hell?" he asked absently. He hadn't been a great kid… and the Riddler costume WAS kinda scary when you didn't know the gig…
Edward realized he should say NOTHING. He couldn't risk changing the past and therefore changing the present. Changing the future was ONE THING… but changing the past…
After a moment, the boy disappeared and he felt the same. Relieved a crisis had been averted, he was startled by another Edward falling from a tree.
Annoyed, he spun on him, "How are you people materializing OUTSIDE?"
"What? I just fell from the tree and you-"
He was gone and Ed remembered watching himself fall from a tree as Poison Ivy walked out on him. Yet, how had an Edward ended up in the tree?
"Anyone else out here?" he muttered. "If not I'm going to phone for a cab on my cell-"
He froze, realizing his cell was still in the house. He'd taken it out, dropped it several times… and now…
"OH…" he trailed off in shock.
Unexpectedly, Poison Ivy stormed up. "LOOK - I don't care about all that crap before! My car broke down and this isn't a residential area! I'm not going to walk all night! Let me use the phone!" she had one of her poison blades drawn. Remembering one in his back earlier, Ed realized he would have to co-operate somehow…
Calmly, he replied, "I'm sorry about before. I just didn't want to expose you to Jack's terrifying mistake."
"His existence. I've experienced it. Cut the crap." She shook the blade.
"Honestly, Ivy. If you set foot on this property…"
"Oh, shut up…" She didn't want to deal. Instead, she stormed past, towards the house.
Suddenly, in the open doorway, a perfect copy of herself appeared in a blue flash - "I wouldn't enter this house, dear. It'll result in hours and hours of torment that will end inconclusive and mentally shattering…"
"I wish someone had warned me." Ed muttered, pushing past the copy. "Relax, Ivy, I'll call a cab…"
Another Edward appeared, an axe in his head. Ivy cried out in alarm. Everyone ignored her and the fellow attempted to deliver his message, "Don't come back in, Ed! Remember that mummy with the axe? In a coupl'a seconds…"
"Yes, yes…" Ed interrupted, brushing past him as well.
"What…" Ivy trailed off, watching both figures vanish in blue.
Ed sighed, "I've been experiencing them all night. Jack ripped the fabric of space, warp and time."
"Wow. Glad you're taking this so well." She snapped, shaken.
"Now… where's my…" he spoke absently as he searched for his phone…
Suddenly, the mummy Ed with an axe burst from the closet and came raging at him…
Reflexively, Ed did a forward cartwheel out the front door. He landed in the yard just as the creature vanished in blue, almost at Ivy… An impressive little move on his part. True, he couldn't fight worth a damn… but over the years he'd perfected a few artsy little evasive moves. Though it really had taken YEARS…
Ivy, rattled further, said nothing.
Though, Ed was personally shaken by the experience, he put on a good face and walked right back into the house. He was before Poison Ivy after all. The pressure of that audience gave him strength somehow.
He picked up the phone and found it dead. "How cliché. The phone's out. Looks like I'll have to find my cell…"
Searching, going room from room, he couldn't find his cell phone. After a moment, Pamela stepped in after him. "Nygma…?" she called, wondering if he'd been killed.
"Right here…" he called casually, still searching. "They must have taken my phone…" That was his way of trying to cover his own stupidity.
"Right." She muttered. "And just what the hell are THEY?"
Before he could explain, a very, very old woman appeared. "HEY…" she rasped loudly. "You look just like I did once… Don't try and whiten you're skin or you'll end up aging terribly. You'll look like me."
Ivy opened her mouth to answer, but the woman vanished in flash.
"That was you…" Ed explained absently. Searching under furniture in the next room, still in sight. "Past, present and future versions of whoever enters this place appear spontaneously about the property. Jack started this mess this morning and expects me to do something about it…" He had an awful way of slanting things to make himself look better, but hey, whatever worked. After all, Jack had come to him that morning with his problem. Right?
"Oh ya?…" she glanced about uneasily, expecting another flash…
"I think that's why they unexpectedly skipped town. They couldn't stand this. It really is horrible, after all…"
"Why didn't they just find another hideout?" she muttered. "No one should be left with this mess. Just walk away."
He nudged his notepad on the ground with his shoe, "Yes, after a moment I realized there was no solution to this problem. I was going to walk away… when they took my phone… I need to call a cab…"
"Suppose that makes sense…" they were still searching. She went to open the metal door he'd closed earlier and he stopped her, almost alarmed.
"No, don't!" He motioned for her to silently listen. She heard the hyenas locked on the other side and understood. Wow.
Both bent down, searching under things, Ed realized one of his forms may have taken the phone back with them. DAMN.
Suddenly, a copy of Pamela - slightly older - appeared. "Eddie!" she smiled, embracing him unexpectedly. "Happy anniversary!" she moved to kiss him… when she vanished.
Ed masked his uncomfort VERY well. Stone faced, he continued to search as though nothing had happened. Ivy, on the other hand, was shocked and flustered. Without thinking, he attempted to reassure her, "Relax. I've married shoes tonight. It's all random insanity."
Realizing this was NOT the thing to say, he watched her get up in a huff and try the next room alone… He'd unintentionally offended her… implying marrying her would be bad and furthermore insane… DAMN…
Several Edward's appeared - "YOU IDIOT!" they repeated.
Oh well. Spending time with her now he was realizing she wasn't so great. They're personalities weren't compatible. Looks weren't everything, after all. She was being an absolute bitc-
Suddenly, a flash in the other room caused him to exit, curious. He found her down beside an adorable toddler. He was just ADORABLE.
"He's beautiful…" she smiled, having always wanted children. The little boy touched her face with his happy little hands. "He's…"
"Me." Ed finished, blunt.
Taken aback, Ivy realized she should have known. If it wasn't her, it was him. Embarrassed for some reason, she stiffened up and watched the tot leave them.
As she slowly rose, Ed started, "Look… sorry if I offended-"
"Whatever." She muttered, already in the next room.
"Fine…" he replied under his breath, following her out.
He found her frozen, gasping in horror… and soon he matched her. The room was filling with Ed and Ivy after Ed and Ivy… no one was disappearing anymore… they were all remaining! Dozen after dozen… the room was overflowing…
"GREAT… CAESAR'S… GHOST…" The phrase just came out of him.
"Screw the phone, we'll walk…" She turned to make a break for it.
He motioned her to stay a moment, "Anyone here a scientist? What the hell is going on NOW?"
An Edward in a lab coat answered in the traditionally aristocratic accent the more professional and successful future Edwards took on. 'I'm am, good fellow. Unfortunately, I'm at a loss as to the cause of this new development…"
"Well, do you know how to stop this all together? Repair the rip?"
The other thought a moment, the noise in the room growing unbearable. "HM… I suppose one would have to redo whatever electrical surge initially caused this. Perhaps the two actions will cancel each other out."
"I'll have to take your word for it…" Ed didn't follow.
"EDDIE, EDDIE, EDDIE, EDDIE!!" they were all chanting now…
"Don't stand there Ed, you'll get a tumor!"
"Don't listen to him, Ed - you'll get two tumors!"
"Don't listen to either of them, Ed, you'll-"
Ed screamed in frustration. Snapping, he leapt up on the counter, "All you MEs… listen up…" when he had their attention he announced, "Shut up! Every last one of you! This is MY life and YOU aren't going to live it for me! Understand? I don't care if some of you agree with me, or if some of you disagree with me! I don't even care if some of you know exactly what I'm going to say right this second or if some of you are talking along with me as I speak!! When I first realised this was going down - I thought - GREAT, I can see the future. I can make myself the most powerful person who ever lived! Then I learned a hard lesson, friends. You're life ends the second you start trying to control your own destiny."
"Your left ends the second you start trying to control your destiny." A dozen Edwards finished a few seconds behind.
Eddie sighed and added, "That's why… I have to do this…"
He turned on the toaster and prepared to throw into the sink…
"NO!!!" every single Eddie in the room screamed.
Eddie froze for a second, "Wow. You ALL agree on something."
He smiled playfully and then tossed the toaster in ANYWAY…
Suddenly, the ceiling transformed into a giant whirlpool portal and all the other Eddie's were sucked into it and out of sight forever.
When the portal closed, Ed sighed and sat down on the counter edge.
"Wow. You did it. You actually did it." Ivy was surprised.
The two shared a gaze for several seconds, before she killed everything, bluntly motioning, "Phone?"
Sure enough, the phone was right beside Edward on the counter.
He closed his eyes to retain composure. How frustrating. Ivy almost giggled. Instead, she waited for him to hand her the phone. Then she made her call and left. End of story. Just the typical girl - exiting the life of loser Edward Nygma as quick as possible.
Walking through Jack's empty home, thinking, Ed rounded a bend and met face to face with another version of himself.
Crying out in alarm, he shielded his face with his arm reflexively.
"What horrible future created YOU!?"
He slowly lowered his hands and wanted to laugh. It was a large mirror.
Then his back hit the wall and he slide slowly down it, chuckling… he sat on the ground a while… laughing… it build gradually until he had tears streaming down his cheeks…
As he laughed a sort of feverish delirium came over him and he carelessly daydreamed of Joker stepping out of the closet to cheerfully state - "I heard you laughing so hard and just HAD to come and see what was so hilarious!"
Finally, his sanity returned and he shook his head, face still red, eyes still wet. He wiped his eyes and let out a loud sigh of relief. He was still alone in the dusty hall.
Suddenly, he heard the scary sound of twisting metal… then wild yelps… Rising, his pulse raised. Running, he was out the front door in the flash, the hyenas on his heels. Diving, he made it up the tree just in time. He could scarcely breath he was panting so hard!
Evening turned to night and he sat in the tree… waiting for the animals to leave… he'd left the phone in the house again… this was BAD… Starting to fall asleep, he scarcely noticed when a car pulled up…
The sound of slamming doors startled him and he blinked, glancing down.
"My babies!" Harley hugged the hyenas that barrelled toward her.
"EDDIE!" Jack called from the edge of the yard. "You alive?"
"Up here." Ed sounded very tired.
Looking up, Joker couldn't stop laughing…
Eventually, he called up, "Did you reverse things? Fix it all?"
"Yes, Jack. I sealed the rip. Everything's back to normal." Ed was flat.
"See, Boopsie?" he smiled, poking Harley with his cane. "I told you he'd have it solved by midnight. I told you."
"You really ARE as smart as they say!" the cute little harlequin called up cheerfully.
THAT right there… for some reason… made it all worth while… He'd proven himself or something…
"Care for a drink?" Jack offered, motioning towards the abandoned house.
"Please." Edward was blunt.
"Don't just stand there, girlie - fix us something." Jack slapped Harley's ass. She gave a characteristic little squeal and was suddenly inside.
Ed sighed, very sarcastic, "Always a gentlemen, Jack." He gracefully leapt down from the tree, though he was VERY stiff. My, he was pretentious…
As the pair walked towards the house, Joker prodded one of the spotted hyenas with his cane. "How'd you provoke them, anyway? Their pretty good, ya know. Only attack when we starve without provocation when we starve them. When fed, their lazy, lifeless brats…"
Ed smiled, "Well, with various versions of me racing around terrorizing the place, they found provocation soon enough. Believe me."
Joker laughed, "Anything totally outrageous go down? Seriously. I'm curious. I mean, for a while, the whole thing was rather entertaining…"
After a moment, Ed replied, "I don't admit I'm wrong very often, or very easily, Jack… but I admit, I was wrong about all this. I almost feel I should apologize-"
On the front step now, Jack interrupted, disgusted. "Don't get all gushy, Edward. It's over. Whatever."
After a lull, Ed exclaimed, "What an adventure, though… no one would EVER believe it…"
"You should write it down, Ed. Write a book. People write about losing weight and fly fishing… surely someone will want to read about this…"
Eddie actually laughed. "Get serious, Jack. Who?"
~?~?~
THE END
~?~?~
~?~?~
Disclaimer: Warner Brothers, DC Comics and Bob Cane get all the credit. I don't own any of this wonderful stuff. BTW, this story is based off a CRAZY episode of Duckman.
A/N: This fic was written several years ago - so it's not the best. Still worth a read though. Please review!! It's a comedy, but it's written serious and there are some serious tones to it. This was suppose to be part of a 'Jack and Eddie' series Silver and I were doing WAY back. Anyway, the pair may be a little out of character sometimes. HOWEVER, I can hear their voices saying all this stuff no problem… so it must not be TOO bad…
~?~?~
Edward Nygma, out of costume, sipped his tea casually as he glanced over the newspaper. Though nothing particularly caught his interest, even super villains needed to keep up with current events. Besides, it was routine. Flipping to a large picture of Two Face struggling against authorities a tiny smile formed within the corners of his mouth. Headline - TWO FACE SHUT DOWN.
His office door burst open suddenly without warning. Fortunately, this was Gotham and nothing startled him anymore.
"EDDIE!" someone shouted, a sense of joy and urgency all in one.
"Good morning, Jack." Eddie said tonelessly, without bothering to look up… "You should see this picture of Harvey. It's quite-"
"I've made a horrible mistake!" the other insisted, arms flailing melodramatically. He was theatrically amusing always.
"Oh, Jack…" Eddie smirked, folding up the newspaper. "We've been over this a dozen times. The toilet is to the left and the laundry hamper it to the right."
"Smart ass." Joker flopped into the chair before his almost-friend. It was strange. He let Nygma get away with a lot. NO ONE called him Jack anymore… except Nygma. Their relationship was quite unique. "I'm the one who gets the punch lines. Remember that!"
"Of course, Jack…" Eddie always humoured him. Using a person's name a lot has that effect it seems. Sighing, he added, "What have you done this time?"
"This time? This time? Why Edward!"
Ed raised an eye brow and Jack continued, "Alright, so I've had a few… fiascos… no one's perfect…"
"Which you are a stunning testimony too, Jack."
"BURN." Joker made a face. "Eddie, Eddie, Eddie… TSK, TSK… What's gotten into you, old boy? You're never this caustic out of costume. If I didn't know any better…"
"Just because I'm not wearing the costume, doesn't mean I'm not Riddler." Ed shuffled papers, eyes down - the way he did when he was confronted with a very personal issue he didn't care for. Riddler gave his confidence. Riddler gave him power. Without the costume he felt very vulnerable.
"Whatever, Ed - you're BOTH egotistical asses - we're not here to yack about YOUR issues though. We're here because 1) you live here… and 2) I've got a problem. A problem I have yet to explain. SO… shut up and listen."
"Very well…" Nygma sighed, shoving his cup and saucer aside.
"This morning Harley wasn't there to make my breakfast… and well, not that she can cook anyway… you've tasted her hash browns - YUCK - though she does make a rather good brownie pudding… I'm sure you've tried it, haven't you?"
"Yes, yes." Eddie prompted him on absently.
He continued, satirical, "Well, anyway, I tried to make myself… something they call TOAST… I dunno, must be a delicacy… ANYWAY, I accidentally-"
"-dropped the toaster in the sink again?"
"Yes… but this time the sink was full of water. It was BAD."
Eddie sighed, "What's the problem? You're still alive."
"Well, you know very well what happens when a plugged-in electrical appliance hits water…"
"Alright, YOU survived, but what guest didn't?" Eddie smirked. Then he added, "Seriously, did you burn the place down, Jack?"
"I wish!" Joker slammed the desk. "Guess! Come on, you'll never guess!"
"I don't know, Jack. You blew all the power in that part of town."
"Nope, nope…"
"There was an explosion."
"Wrong again."
"I don't know, just tell me." Ed was impatient.
"I thought you were suppose to be smart." Jack pushed a button.
"JACK-"
Jack unexpectedly slammed a blade down into the desk, just missing Edward's hand. "Wrong playing card, Eddie." His said darkly, warning. He flashed the jack of spades and flipped it over - a joker. The symbolism was clever and intimidating.
Pocketing the card, Jack relaxed back in the chair - "Well?"
After some silence, Ed calmly replied - "Tell me."
"I ripped the fabric of space, warp and time." Joker was very blunt.
Ed said nothing at first, then sighed, "Jack…"
"No, seriously, Ed. That's it. No lie. No joke. No game."
"I'm sure you did." Ed muttered, shifting in his chair. "Moving on… did I show you this picture of Har-"
"I'm serious, Riddle-me-this!" Joker insisted. "Because of my mistake… anyone from anytime who ever existed can enter my home through holes in the fabric of space, warp and time!"
"Let me get this straight…" Ed was rubbing his temples, annoyed. It would all almost be amusing if it was happening to someone else. "You claim that anyone whose every existed… past, present or future… can enter your home through portals?"
"Well, it's not SO random… because they're always some form of ME."
"Now… you're starting to lose me…" Eddie admitted, eyes a mix of sceptical and confused.
"Edward." Joker was losing patience now. "Different versions of me from the past, present and future are popping in and outta my house every few minutes! There's this startling blue flash-"
"And who explained all this to you, Jack?" Ed asked. "How do you know exactly what's going on?"
"I asked a version of myself from the future who's apparently a very brilliant scientist…" Jack explained carelessly, putting his feet up on the desk. "He just happened to specialize in the study of the fabric of space, warp and time."
Eddie forced himself not to laugh. "There's a non-criminal, brilliant scientist (of some field I've never even heard of) version of YOU in your bedroom…"
"Actually, he was in the bathroom… and he's gone now. They're only around for a few seconds… possibly minutes. They kinda pop in and out. You know, gone as quickly as they came."
A headache gently forming, Ed sighed, sounding tired - "Jack, do you have any idea the ramifications such a thing would have…"
"Repercussions." Joker corrected.
"Both work." Ed muttered absently. "Regardless, if such a concept were true, the aftermath would be disastrous…"
Eddie was tired of this ridiculous game. He had much planned for the day and needed to get changed and started. Joker often burst into his office with crazy tales of tomfoolery and tried to lead him around the world for a short cut that never existed… but today, he wasn't in the mood.
"Right. Well, Jack… good of you to drop by… but I have work to do. So, if you'd kindly show yourself the door… I'm going to wipe this stupid conversation from my mind in order to store more valuable happenings - for example, tying my shoes, stirring my tea… and this picture of Harvey. Alright?"
"But, Ed…" Joker dropped his feet from the desk, looking hurt.
"Bye now. Call me." Eddie casually helped him from the chair and shoved him towards the door.
"Ed-"
"We'll do this again sometime real soon. Only… make sense." With that, he shut and locked the door. He sighed, turning and walking back. Joker was so unpredictable. He just… showed up…
The cell phone under Ed's jacket rang and he answered it cheerfully.
"ED!" Jack bellowed into the phone. Eddie could hear him speaking from the other side of the door as well - it was almost comical. Only Joker would be so insane. He could have easily shouted through the door. "I need to ask a big favour…"
"Like what?" Eddie had heard this one before.
"I need you to pop in tonight and feed the children. Harley and I aren't gonna be around for a few days and she'll go ballistic if they aren't tended too… oh, and then there's the fact if we starve them they'll go completely insane and eat us when we return." He said this all so casually…
Eddie glanced at his watch and sighed silently. "Can't Ivy do it?"
"Ew, Red? Get out, Riddles. I don't care how tight she and Harley are… she's not setting a foot in my pad. I hate her and she hates me! In fact, that reminds me… don't ever mention the name Poison Ivy in my presence again."
"I'm not in your presence, you clown. Besides, why can't all your henchmen handle it?"
"They hate the children!" Jack protested. "Plus their coming with us."
"Really, Jack… why take them with you? And why ME? If I didn't know any better, I'd think you just want me to go to your place and entertain this stupid 'FABRIC OF SPACE, WARP AND TIME' story…"
"Maybe…" Joker dragged the word out, silly.
"I really don't have time for this, J-"
"I'm right and your wrong, Nygma." Joker was suddenly, very serious. He knew exactly how to push the megalomaniac's buttons and proved it time and time again. "You're WRONG."
"What? That's ridiculous. I-"
"Go tonight and prove me wrong. I challenge you. PROVE ME WRONG."
"FINE. I'll feed your monsters and take a peek around the place. I'll prove you're an idiot."
"Good, good. Ta Ta!" Joker was cheerful.
"Whatever." Ed hung up, ego inflamed.
~?~?~
That evening, Eddie stepped into Jack's new hideout, frowning. His lovely "10 Leslie" was leagues above the dump. However, he'd never tell Jack that. Glancing back, he nodded to his men, waiting in the car. For some reason, against all logic, he'd given them the cliché - "Wait here." Ah, so many a good super villain ended up dead this way. 'Wait here. I pay you to wait in the car while I take all the risk.' It didn't make sense, but it just tended to happen. He was dealing with the Joker… or at the very least dangerous hyenas… WHY did he go the way of "Wait here"… ? Oh well. Life was lined with unnecessary risk…
He noticed the hyenas, affectionately referred to as 'children', sleeping on the floor in the corner. Cautiously he approached the fridge. He'd watched Jack's goon feed them once or twice and knew some bloody stakes would be waiting there. He pulled them out and tossed them uneasily before the grey and black beasts…
As he finished feeding them, he prepared to leave… then remembered the promised to look around. To wait a few moments for a 'portal'… or whatever…
Sighing, he waited. Glancing at his watch, he timed two minutes and decided he'd had enough. He threw the wild animals three more stakes just to be certain they wouldn't attack him on his way out… and then started for the door… when…
He heard a strange sound and caught a glimpse of blue light coming from the next room…
Sceptical, he approached. He expected to come across Joker in a costume - a lab coat or something… "Jack? Nice try-"
Opening the door, he was startled, having come face to face with a handsome and distinguished middle aged man. The fellow grinned, "Greetings!"
"And you are?" Ed was on guard.
The stranger didn't answer, looking around the room. "HM… I'd say this is Jack and Harley's place… God, 15 years ago… and YOU… are a spitting image of myself when I was that much younger… What's happening? What have you done?"
Eddie glared, "Oh, very cute. Yes, Jack hires some older man to play older Edward and convince me that this whole stupid-"
"What?" the other interrupted. "You're not making sense. What's going on? How did I get here?"
Very annoyed now, Ed started to satirically explain, "Well apparently, my contemporary ripped the very fabric of space, warp and time and now whoever enters his home shall be plagued with versions of themselves from the past, present and future… just popping in and out… I'm sure he explained it all when he paid you to frighten me."
The other's jaw dropped. "I remember this! I remember this night… Yes, I wiped it from my mind… It was traumatizing and I needed the space for more important things… such as useless dead languages…" After a moment he asked, "How did this happen?"
Ed tried to remember what Jack had said that morning:
'Without Batman… crime has no punch line…'
Nope. Wrong conversation.
'Talking to you is harder then nailing Jell-o to a tree, Riddles!'
Nope. Wrong conversation. Irrelevant regardless.
'If you're so smart, why aren't you rich?"
GRRR. Definitely not. Wrong person.
'I ripped the fabric of space, warp and time!'
Closer.
'I had this fun dream where it rained soda pop!'
Maybe… wait, no, no, NO…
'I dropped the toaster in the sink.'
BINGO.
"I say, dear boy, are you still there?" The older man teased, having watched Ed think, eyes at his feet for a while now.
"Yes, yes, sorry." Ed said presently. "He dropped a toaster in the sink."
"Ah yes, he was always doing that."
"Oh please! Anyone could pretend to be future me."
"Jack doesn't know anything about your personal past, Ed. Hm… let me try and remember the statement I made that convinced you when I was you and me was… WELL… no one, perhaps… Strange, me was me and you're me… and… GOODNESS… this is difficult, isn't it? It's like one giant LOOP. Maybe."
"WHAT?"
The other man was thinking now, eyes down at his shoes. Just like Ed tended to.
"Oh wow, so you've observed my body language. WHATEVER. Who are you?"
"You, of course. 15 years in the future."
"My, my. Aren't we looking well…" Ed was caustic. "And just what pray tell is our future? And please, DO be creative. It's safe to assume we aren't in prison or an asylum…"
"We went straight and started our own software company. You ditched the insane riddle gig and became the richest man in the state."
"Even richer than Bruce Wayne?" Ed raised an eyebrow.
"That's what I said." The future Ed pulled out his pipe.
"Oh, AS IF. You're a terrible actor. Jack! Come on NOW! This isn't-"
"No, no - Jack and his gang really left tonight, me. This is all real. You were asked to come here and then you're going to meet with the Scarecrow. You're going to cut a deal… can't quite remember what now… it was a long time ago… but…"
"Oh SURE… you only remember what I told Jack. How convenient."
"Since I'm telling the truth I find it inconvenient, thank you."
"I always say that…" Ed was a little surprised. Though he supposed it was a common phrase… maybe… possible… well, he'd never heard anyone else use it…
"Yes, well, I cancelled the meeting because of a headache. Then I decided to walk home. On the way… I bumped into a beautiful, rich software designer. We hit it off and well… I went straight, we married and are very happy, very rich and reasonably famous."
"I prefer brunettes."
"Actually, you have no preference. Having little experience with women, you've never been picky."
Burn. Jack didn't know that.
"Prove it. I need proof." Ed secretly wanted to believe.
"Oh, I just remembered what convinces you, chap. If you'll wait just an instant… just an instant… hm, it should happen any moment now… um, well, anyway, good luck, wonderful to see you… Oh, to be young again, Edward - enjoy it while you-"
He vanished in a flash of blue.
Ed blinked, absolutely shocked. There was the proof. Yet… it could still be fake. Stage performers did more. Yes, David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear.
Suddenly, a terrible headache struck him. Remembering the prediction, he pulled out his cell phone and decided to cancel the meeting. Why not? If it was true… GREAT! What a wonderful future!
Suddenly, another flash of blue startled him. He dropped the phone. Behind him! He turned and a drunk, grubby middle aged man stumbled towards him and collapsed.
"Who the hell…?" Eddie was shaken now.
"You look like me…" the rough looking fellow muttered, obviously drunk and disoriented. He pulled out a bottle of booze…
"WHAT?" Edward was confused. "You certainly aren't from my past… but I've seen my future… what… what's happening?"
"I don't know. One minute I was getting' on the curb in New Mexico… the next I'm here…"
"Who are you? Explain. NOW." Ed was growing alarmed.
"I'm Ed Nygma…" he muttered, drinking.
"WHAT?" present Eddie gasped. "How- What's YOUR story?"
"Huh? Well… it all goes back… um… 15 years ago… I guess. I cancelled that stupid meeting with the Scarecrow… and then… on you're way home it started raining, so you abandoned this crazy plan I had to walk - I wanted some lame prediction to come true, I think… I dunno… ANYWAY, it was just awful, man… I got into a car accident with some rich guy. By the time I got outta Arkham, he'd sued my ass off."
Starting to believe, Ed's exterior remained smooth… but inside, his pulse was quickening. "What can I do to prevent this terrible future?"
"How should I know? I barely know when I'm gonna soil myself next."
A blue flash removed him.
Ed stood in silence a moment. Wow. Bending over, he picked up his phone. Still not sure if all this was REAL… he decided to play it safe. He would cancel the meeting and WALK home. Immediately. He began dialling the phone…
Suddenly, another flash startled him. This time he caught the phone, his nerves adapting. The fellow that stood before him was buff and angry with tattoos all over his body…
"What? What did I do to create YOU?" Ed was annoyed now. This was ridiculous. None of these men bore EXTREME resemblance too him. Just hair and eye colour. If Jack was going to this much trouble…
"You! Thanks to you I'm in prison!" snarled the future Ed. "I'm from 18 years in the future. The time you and your perfect wife divorce. You just couldn't let the Riddler die… so NOW, I'm in a prison for the rest of my worthless life because of you!"
"Oh… so…" Ed stopped the call. "So… either way… something bad happens…"
"Don't CALL Scarecrow to cancel the meeting. 16 years from now you'll have mixed feelings about not doing so face to face… and that's what starts all this trouble for me."
"So, I need to go to Scarecrow and cancel the meeting face to face?" Eddie looked hopeful.
"Yes. Then make sure you're on Elm Street around midnight. You'll bump into her… and then things should work out for everyone. Don't let me down." The future Eddie snarled. "Oh and by the way… tonight an adorable girl in lavender is going to throw herself at you. Don't be stupid. She'd drunk. Her husband turns out to be your lawyer 17 years from now in the biggest trial of your life. He wants revenge and screws up your case on purpose! … Plus, I think she has an STD…"
"I'll remember that." Eddie blinks.
"You'd better! Our future depends on it!"
"How do you understand all this so well?" Ed was still sceptical.
"THINK, loser. I've talked with you three times in this room through these portals over the course of our lives…PLUS, I was YOU 18 years ago! We aren't all different people, dumb ass! We're all YOU! I remembered this night and I've waited for this chance to warn you for two years - DON'T MESS UP!!"
"I… think I understand…" Ed trailed off, confused. Before the other could reply, he was gone. The blew had swallowed him…
Ed glanced at his watch. He had to leave for Scarecrow NOW. He started for the door, when beside him, another flash made him jump…
"Wait! If you visit Scarecrow in person… he'll cut off your arms!" an armless Edward shrieked. He looked exactly like current Edward!
Eddie paled. "OH… MY… GOD…"
Before anything more could be said, the slightly future Ed vanished.
Ed was too distraught to speak. He stood staring, trying to regain himself. What he HELL?! IT WAS REAL… it was REAL… Jack had been telling the truth… There was NO WAY he could fake a CURRENT Edward… could he?
"I can't do ANYTHING!" he suddenly shouted, waking up the sleepy children. "I can't do anything without messing up something else!"
He suddenly realized it was like a giant puzzle. He pulled out a pad of paper and a pen and began trying different combinations to figure out what to do. Things made so much more sense when he turned them into riddles. However, this one… was particularly difficult…
Suddenly, a flash struck and a well-dressed Edward appeared just long enough to say, "This little pad and paper scenario right now causes you to realise accounting is your true calling. You become a wealthy accountant. Thanks ever so much!"
He disappeared and Ed ripped up and tossed away the pad of paper in frustration. "There are too many options! What the HELL-"
Suddenly, the blue returned and there stood the same accountant from seconds earlier. He looked poor and shabby. Angry, he snapped, "Thanks a lot, you ass! Tossing away your calculations like that causes me to go completely bankrupt two years down the line. You SUCK!" He vanished leaving Edward alone again.
"AHH!!" Ed screamed, slamming a chair into the wall. "The slightest things I do affect my future completely! I keep going from one extreme to the other! Do those other Edwards I spoke to early even exist anymore? Have I killed them1? Help me someone, please!!" He was absolutely seething.
A bleeding Eddie suddenly appears, "Throwing that chair upsets the children and-" He was gone.
Suddenly, the hyenas burst into the room. Panicked, Edward ducked into the next room and locked the door. Panting, he hoped they would calm down and leave him alone. Without that warning… WOW… there was no doubt anymore… this was REAL…
Sighing, he decided to sit on the floor and think. He wouldn't do ANYTHING until he'd found a solution. This puzzle had to have a solution! Suddenly, the criminal Edward with all the tattoos reappeared. "NO! Don't sit down! If you sit down now they'll sentence you the death sentence in 20 years! YOU'RE LETTING ME DOWN, BITCH!!"
Panicked, Ed snapped to his feet - "You still exist? What-"
Criminal Edward Nygma went to punch him VERY hard, but thankfully disappeared just in time…
"Edward…" another form of himself appeared, this one dressed as a doctor. "Please, I haven't much time. Listen carefully-"
"NO!" Eddie covered his ears. "NO MORE."
As the doctor vanished, the accountant appeared again, looking rich again… "Don't cover your ears! If you do you'll never win the lottery after you go bankrupt and your future wife will stop loving you and refuse to grant you visits to your three children whom she gets custody of!" Then he was devoured by blue.
"What do I do!?" Eddie was frustrated. "That's it! That's it! I'll just sit here and do nothing, say nothing, THINK NOTHING… If I don't do anything… nothing will change…"
After nearly ten minutes, Edward was relieved. It was working. No visitors. He continued for a few more moments, until, a blue flash took him by surprise. A sick Edward in a straight jacket appeared. "Sitting like this for several days drives you completely insane!" He suddenly vanished.
"Stop it!" Eddie screamed, then gasped, "Oh no, I spoke!"
Another flash, a wealthy Ed - "Don't worry. We still win the lottery."
"Oh, that's good."
The same Edward disappears and immediately appears again. "Oh great. Now you've said too much. Now you accidentally lose the lottery ticket. THANKS." He's gone.
"I've got to get out of this room." Eddie tells himself and rushes to the bathroom… maybe…
Suddenly, another flash and the straight jacket Ed appears again. "Don't hide in the bathroom too long… It drives you insane."
"Then the bedroom!" Eddie turns to get to the bedroom.
"No, no." another flash replaces the first and an Eddie with the body of a cow and the ears of a rabbit appears in the bedroom. "Next week one of Jack's insane projects will go terribly, terribly wrong…"
"NO!" Eddie tried to shield his eyes. "Where can I hide!?"
"Not the laundry room…" a weak voice managed. Eddie slide the door opened and gasped when he saw himself 10 minutes in the future being ripped apart by the children.
"GOOD LORD…" Ed closed the door again, mortified. He then looked around, desperate for a place to hide! "Fine. I'll stay here in the hall and be safe."
Suddenly, another successful looking Edward appears beside him with a fancy suit and monocle. "Yes, staying in the hall all night inspires you to the write the most famous poem ever written."
"Great." Eddie panted. "So, staying in the hall is good, right?"
Suddenly, he is gone and another appears in his place… a lunatic Edward wrapped like a mummy, holding an axe.
"How do you know that in the morning you won't misinterpret the inspiration and go on a mad killing spree?" He suddenly swings the axe wildly. "KILL! KILL! KILL!"
Suddenly, he vanishes and is replaced by the famous poet again. "No, no, old boy. I'm quite certain the inspiration will be positive."
With that he vanishes and is replaced with the killer again.
"NO! KILL! KILL! KILL! Negative inspiration! Very negative!! KILL!"
The poet takes his place, "Positive."
The killer takes his place, "Negative!"
The poet returns, "Positive."
The killer returns, "NEGATIVE!"
They continue for several moments, appearing and reappearing faster and faster, until they are both practically present at the same time. Unfortunately, every time the killer appears, as he screams he swings his bloody axe… and eventually, he accidentally cuts the poet in half.
"KILL! KILL! KILL!" the killer screams, swinging the axe insanely.
"I've got to get out of this house!!!" Eddie screams and runs back through the kitchen. He opens the front door and is startled…
"I wouldn't do this if I were you…" an Edward with a large log through his head warns seriously.
Eddie shrieked, slamming the front door.
"Shouldn't have slammed that door." An Ed with no eyes taps him on the shoulder, before vanishing in blue.
"Stop it! All of you!" Eddie screamed.
Suddenly, an Edward identical to himself appears.
"Who the hell are you?" he demanded.
"I'm you… 30 seconds in the future. Oh, and God bless you."
He vanished just as Edward sneezed. "Thanks." He muttered.
Suddenly, another twin Eddie appeared before him.
"Who the hell are you?" Eddie sniffled.
"Who the hell are you?" the Ed repeated.
"What?"
"What?"
"Oh, you're several seconds…"
"Oh, you're several seconds behind, right?"
"You're too close…"
"You're too close… you're overlapping…"
"…me…"
"…me…"
"…me…"
"…me…"
"AH!!!" Eddie shrieked.
"AH!!!"
"AHH!!!!"
"AHH!!!!"
Suddenly the Edward from the past vanished.
"Thank goodness." Eddie grumbled.
Suddenly, a much more attractive Edward with blonde hair, green eyes and no eye mask appears. He tips his hat politely, his hair adorable. "HELLO. I'M NOT FROM YOUR PAST, PRESENT OR FUTURE. IN FACT, I'M NOT FROM YOUR REALITY. I ACCIDENTLY GOT WRAPPED UP IN THIS RIP IN THE FABRIC, SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION."
"Why are you raising your voice like that?" Eddie asked, annoyed.
"IN MY REALITY EVERYONE TALKS LOUDER. DIFFERENT VOLUME THING GOIN' ON… AGAIN, SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION…" he was gone.
Another twin Eddie came and went, cringing, "Ouch! My ears!"
"Yes, he was loud…" Ed agreed and then realized what he was saying.
"Yes, he was loud…"
"Yes, he was loud…"
"Yes, he was loud…" Edward's just kept appearing and disappearing.
"Yes, he was-"
"AHHH!!!" Eddie interrupted, screaming in frustration.
Suddenly, an Ed a few seconds behind repeated him, "AHHH!!!"
He was gone and an Ed directly behind HIM in time repeated, "AHHH!!!"
A third did the same, "AHHH!!!"
The present Eddie cringed, "Ouch! My ears!" Then he stopped, realizing - "Oh, so that's where that one fits in… Right…"
"…fits in…" a twin Ed appeared and vanished.
"Leave me alone!" Eddie hissed. "All of you! Stop this madness!"
Then Ed noticed the telephone beside him. "I've got to call Jack's cell… he can't dump this mess on ME…"
Another unexpected Ed popped up. This one a grinning golfer. "Don't use the phone. You're future wife is going to call."
Eddie set down the phone and it rang.
Suddenly, the golfer appeared again, hands strangling him violently. "AH!!! Don't answer it… she's killing me!"
"Oh dear…" Ed stepped away from the phone.
Suddenly the door bell rang.
The golfer was replaced by a hockey player, "Answer it."
As he vanished a baseball player appeared, gasping, "NO. Don't!"
The hockey player reappeared, but before he could speak, Ed pushed past him. "Oh, shut up…" He opened the door.
There stood Poison Ivy dressed in the sexist hunter green dress… "Edward? Oh. Where's Harley? We're suppose to go clubbing tonight…"
"Oh, well, she and Jack went away on business. I'm sort of house sitting. Feeding the children… and such…" he tried to sound smooth and was failing. He wasn't great with women, especially gorgeous women. Plus, he had a thing for Ivy. Everyone did.
"Oh, well, ok…" Ivy sounded disappointed. "Well… um…" Then the awkward disappointment subsided to annoyed anger, "Hold on a second, can I ask you something?"
"Shoot." Bad thing for one criminal to say to another. Oh well.
"Why would they ask YOU? I mean… what's your connection? You think Harley would have called and told me she was leaving… or asked ME to take care of things… I mean, REALLY…"
Ed recognized her tendency to harp. She was gorgeous though. Awesome dress. Wait a minute… dress… He remembered the criminal's warning…
"Well, Jack and I-"
"Jack?" she raised an eyebrow. "I had no idea you were friends."
"One - Joker doesn't have friends. We just get along. Two - I don't make my business that of others. I keep a low profile." Ed responded quickly, but not unfriendly.
"That's a refreshing change." She muttered. "So many in this business don't. They're all talk, all flash…"
"Well…" he started, smiling modestly.
"I've seen you work. You're quite the gentlemen. Nice suit too."
"Thanks. Nice skin tone." He motioned to her green tinted flesh.
She was surprised, "Oh… nobody really cares for it…"
I do. Say I DO.
"Well, I love green." He motioned to his suit, sort of shy.
You idiot.
"I noticed." She smiled in her seductive, dangerous way, reminded him she didn't like men - she was deadly user. After a moment she added, "Can I step in and use the phone?"
Dangerous. User. Dress. Prediction. Lawyer. STD. AH.
"Uh… well…" he glanced back into the house. An Ed was sitting at the kitchen table, waving. Either way this was a bad idea. "NO."
She was taken aback. "Well, I never…" she turned sharply and started to leave.
"Wait…" he started… then he saw an Edward fall out of a tree in the side yard. Cringing, he continued, "I'm terrible sorry. I wish I could explain…"
"Right." She snorted, her back to him as she walked away.
Sighing, he watched her go and muttered… "Green dress."
The criminal appeared. "I said LAVENDER, dumb ass!"
"Oh CRAP." Was all Edward could say.
Five different versions of himself appeared in unison, "YOU IDIOT!"
He turned to chase her down and was stopped by a dying copy with one of Ivy's poison blades in his back. "Please… don't…" it uttered.
Startled, he recoiled and then cursed himself loudly. "What was I thinking?" he went on. "I could have invited her in and had her help me out with this mess. It would have been a great opportunity to spend time with her and then I wouldn't have to deal with this scary mess alone! I'M SO STUPID!!"
"You can say that again…" the criminal appeared. "I said lavender… and where did you get DRESS… I didn't say dr-" He was gone again.
Suddenly, the door bell rang again. Maybe she was back. He opened it only to find an adorable girl dressed in lavender stumbling. She giggled and started to explain, "Hey… I'm Destiny… my car broke down… and I've a little too much to drink… can we have sex?"
Without reacting, Ed slammed the door in her face.
There was a blue flash on the front step and Ed opened the door, concerned for the drunken girl. He was surprised to find her gone and a future version of himself messed up majorly by wind…
"Where-"
"Relax, she's gone - now CLOSE THE DOOR - A TORNADO'S COMING!"
Again, without reacting he slammed the door. This future thing was losing it's edge. Where the hell were all the past Edwards? Did they just repeat the ends of sentences, or what? Then again, he hated his past. Who wanted to see their teen selves, their child selves… MAN, he'd been such a loser…
Suddenly, a twin Ed appeared screaming, "NO!"
As soon as he left over a dozen twins appeared screaming, "YES!"
Then a strange montage of Edwards appeared back and forth screaming 'YES' and 'NO' for quite some time…
Eddie shrieked in frustration unexpectedly and ran out of the house. Free, he stopped, turning back. He was out… but what did leaving the house mean? Was he about to die? He probably should have walked away much earlier regardless. That was no way to be.
Sighing, he turned to where his car had been… but to his surprise… his men were gone. His car and goons were GONE. They must have observed the horror and fled… wow… this was bad…
Suddenly, a teenage Edward appeared, "Hey…" He wasn't SO dorky. He looked like the typical young adult of the time period… there wasn't as much freedom of style then, he supposed…
After an awkward silence, the boy ventured to ask, "Where am I?"
"Dead." Edward answered for no reason, annoyed.
The boy looked around… then he walked out into the street… "I was walking my dog… and it got off the leash… I chased it into the street and the next thing I knew… I was here with you…"
Ed blinked, shocked. He remembered that. He'd been hit by a car in his early teens, chasing his little dog into a suburban street without looking first. He hadn't died… but he'd woken in the hospital very confused, convinced he'd had a near-death experience. Not one of those 'light at the end of the tunnel' thing… no…
"The man in green…" he realized, understanding. He'd woke up with only one memory. A man in green. It all made sense now. CREEPY.
The boy was lost in frightened thought, looking around the neighbourhood. "Is this Hell?" he asked absently. He hadn't been a great kid… and the Riddler costume WAS kinda scary when you didn't know the gig…
Edward realized he should say NOTHING. He couldn't risk changing the past and therefore changing the present. Changing the future was ONE THING… but changing the past…
After a moment, the boy disappeared and he felt the same. Relieved a crisis had been averted, he was startled by another Edward falling from a tree.
Annoyed, he spun on him, "How are you people materializing OUTSIDE?"
"What? I just fell from the tree and you-"
He was gone and Ed remembered watching himself fall from a tree as Poison Ivy walked out on him. Yet, how had an Edward ended up in the tree?
"Anyone else out here?" he muttered. "If not I'm going to phone for a cab on my cell-"
He froze, realizing his cell was still in the house. He'd taken it out, dropped it several times… and now…
"OH…" he trailed off in shock.
Unexpectedly, Poison Ivy stormed up. "LOOK - I don't care about all that crap before! My car broke down and this isn't a residential area! I'm not going to walk all night! Let me use the phone!" she had one of her poison blades drawn. Remembering one in his back earlier, Ed realized he would have to co-operate somehow…
Calmly, he replied, "I'm sorry about before. I just didn't want to expose you to Jack's terrifying mistake."
"His existence. I've experienced it. Cut the crap." She shook the blade.
"Honestly, Ivy. If you set foot on this property…"
"Oh, shut up…" She didn't want to deal. Instead, she stormed past, towards the house.
Suddenly, in the open doorway, a perfect copy of herself appeared in a blue flash - "I wouldn't enter this house, dear. It'll result in hours and hours of torment that will end inconclusive and mentally shattering…"
"I wish someone had warned me." Ed muttered, pushing past the copy. "Relax, Ivy, I'll call a cab…"
Another Edward appeared, an axe in his head. Ivy cried out in alarm. Everyone ignored her and the fellow attempted to deliver his message, "Don't come back in, Ed! Remember that mummy with the axe? In a coupl'a seconds…"
"Yes, yes…" Ed interrupted, brushing past him as well.
"What…" Ivy trailed off, watching both figures vanish in blue.
Ed sighed, "I've been experiencing them all night. Jack ripped the fabric of space, warp and time."
"Wow. Glad you're taking this so well." She snapped, shaken.
"Now… where's my…" he spoke absently as he searched for his phone…
Suddenly, the mummy Ed with an axe burst from the closet and came raging at him…
Reflexively, Ed did a forward cartwheel out the front door. He landed in the yard just as the creature vanished in blue, almost at Ivy… An impressive little move on his part. True, he couldn't fight worth a damn… but over the years he'd perfected a few artsy little evasive moves. Though it really had taken YEARS…
Ivy, rattled further, said nothing.
Though, Ed was personally shaken by the experience, he put on a good face and walked right back into the house. He was before Poison Ivy after all. The pressure of that audience gave him strength somehow.
He picked up the phone and found it dead. "How cliché. The phone's out. Looks like I'll have to find my cell…"
Searching, going room from room, he couldn't find his cell phone. After a moment, Pamela stepped in after him. "Nygma…?" she called, wondering if he'd been killed.
"Right here…" he called casually, still searching. "They must have taken my phone…" That was his way of trying to cover his own stupidity.
"Right." She muttered. "And just what the hell are THEY?"
Before he could explain, a very, very old woman appeared. "HEY…" she rasped loudly. "You look just like I did once… Don't try and whiten you're skin or you'll end up aging terribly. You'll look like me."
Ivy opened her mouth to answer, but the woman vanished in flash.
"That was you…" Ed explained absently. Searching under furniture in the next room, still in sight. "Past, present and future versions of whoever enters this place appear spontaneously about the property. Jack started this mess this morning and expects me to do something about it…" He had an awful way of slanting things to make himself look better, but hey, whatever worked. After all, Jack had come to him that morning with his problem. Right?
"Oh ya?…" she glanced about uneasily, expecting another flash…
"I think that's why they unexpectedly skipped town. They couldn't stand this. It really is horrible, after all…"
"Why didn't they just find another hideout?" she muttered. "No one should be left with this mess. Just walk away."
He nudged his notepad on the ground with his shoe, "Yes, after a moment I realized there was no solution to this problem. I was going to walk away… when they took my phone… I need to call a cab…"
"Suppose that makes sense…" they were still searching. She went to open the metal door he'd closed earlier and he stopped her, almost alarmed.
"No, don't!" He motioned for her to silently listen. She heard the hyenas locked on the other side and understood. Wow.
Both bent down, searching under things, Ed realized one of his forms may have taken the phone back with them. DAMN.
Suddenly, a copy of Pamela - slightly older - appeared. "Eddie!" she smiled, embracing him unexpectedly. "Happy anniversary!" she moved to kiss him… when she vanished.
Ed masked his uncomfort VERY well. Stone faced, he continued to search as though nothing had happened. Ivy, on the other hand, was shocked and flustered. Without thinking, he attempted to reassure her, "Relax. I've married shoes tonight. It's all random insanity."
Realizing this was NOT the thing to say, he watched her get up in a huff and try the next room alone… He'd unintentionally offended her… implying marrying her would be bad and furthermore insane… DAMN…
Several Edward's appeared - "YOU IDIOT!" they repeated.
Oh well. Spending time with her now he was realizing she wasn't so great. They're personalities weren't compatible. Looks weren't everything, after all. She was being an absolute bitc-
Suddenly, a flash in the other room caused him to exit, curious. He found her down beside an adorable toddler. He was just ADORABLE.
"He's beautiful…" she smiled, having always wanted children. The little boy touched her face with his happy little hands. "He's…"
"Me." Ed finished, blunt.
Taken aback, Ivy realized she should have known. If it wasn't her, it was him. Embarrassed for some reason, she stiffened up and watched the tot leave them.
As she slowly rose, Ed started, "Look… sorry if I offended-"
"Whatever." She muttered, already in the next room.
"Fine…" he replied under his breath, following her out.
He found her frozen, gasping in horror… and soon he matched her. The room was filling with Ed and Ivy after Ed and Ivy… no one was disappearing anymore… they were all remaining! Dozen after dozen… the room was overflowing…
"GREAT… CAESAR'S… GHOST…" The phrase just came out of him.
"Screw the phone, we'll walk…" She turned to make a break for it.
He motioned her to stay a moment, "Anyone here a scientist? What the hell is going on NOW?"
An Edward in a lab coat answered in the traditionally aristocratic accent the more professional and successful future Edwards took on. 'I'm am, good fellow. Unfortunately, I'm at a loss as to the cause of this new development…"
"Well, do you know how to stop this all together? Repair the rip?"
The other thought a moment, the noise in the room growing unbearable. "HM… I suppose one would have to redo whatever electrical surge initially caused this. Perhaps the two actions will cancel each other out."
"I'll have to take your word for it…" Ed didn't follow.
"EDDIE, EDDIE, EDDIE, EDDIE!!" they were all chanting now…
"Don't stand there Ed, you'll get a tumor!"
"Don't listen to him, Ed - you'll get two tumors!"
"Don't listen to either of them, Ed, you'll-"
Ed screamed in frustration. Snapping, he leapt up on the counter, "All you MEs… listen up…" when he had their attention he announced, "Shut up! Every last one of you! This is MY life and YOU aren't going to live it for me! Understand? I don't care if some of you agree with me, or if some of you disagree with me! I don't even care if some of you know exactly what I'm going to say right this second or if some of you are talking along with me as I speak!! When I first realised this was going down - I thought - GREAT, I can see the future. I can make myself the most powerful person who ever lived! Then I learned a hard lesson, friends. You're life ends the second you start trying to control your own destiny."
"Your left ends the second you start trying to control your destiny." A dozen Edwards finished a few seconds behind.
Eddie sighed and added, "That's why… I have to do this…"
He turned on the toaster and prepared to throw into the sink…
"NO!!!" every single Eddie in the room screamed.
Eddie froze for a second, "Wow. You ALL agree on something."
He smiled playfully and then tossed the toaster in ANYWAY…
Suddenly, the ceiling transformed into a giant whirlpool portal and all the other Eddie's were sucked into it and out of sight forever.
When the portal closed, Ed sighed and sat down on the counter edge.
"Wow. You did it. You actually did it." Ivy was surprised.
The two shared a gaze for several seconds, before she killed everything, bluntly motioning, "Phone?"
Sure enough, the phone was right beside Edward on the counter.
He closed his eyes to retain composure. How frustrating. Ivy almost giggled. Instead, she waited for him to hand her the phone. Then she made her call and left. End of story. Just the typical girl - exiting the life of loser Edward Nygma as quick as possible.
Walking through Jack's empty home, thinking, Ed rounded a bend and met face to face with another version of himself.
Crying out in alarm, he shielded his face with his arm reflexively.
"What horrible future created YOU!?"
He slowly lowered his hands and wanted to laugh. It was a large mirror.
Then his back hit the wall and he slide slowly down it, chuckling… he sat on the ground a while… laughing… it build gradually until he had tears streaming down his cheeks…
As he laughed a sort of feverish delirium came over him and he carelessly daydreamed of Joker stepping out of the closet to cheerfully state - "I heard you laughing so hard and just HAD to come and see what was so hilarious!"
Finally, his sanity returned and he shook his head, face still red, eyes still wet. He wiped his eyes and let out a loud sigh of relief. He was still alone in the dusty hall.
Suddenly, he heard the scary sound of twisting metal… then wild yelps… Rising, his pulse raised. Running, he was out the front door in the flash, the hyenas on his heels. Diving, he made it up the tree just in time. He could scarcely breath he was panting so hard!
Evening turned to night and he sat in the tree… waiting for the animals to leave… he'd left the phone in the house again… this was BAD… Starting to fall asleep, he scarcely noticed when a car pulled up…
The sound of slamming doors startled him and he blinked, glancing down.
"My babies!" Harley hugged the hyenas that barrelled toward her.
"EDDIE!" Jack called from the edge of the yard. "You alive?"
"Up here." Ed sounded very tired.
Looking up, Joker couldn't stop laughing…
Eventually, he called up, "Did you reverse things? Fix it all?"
"Yes, Jack. I sealed the rip. Everything's back to normal." Ed was flat.
"See, Boopsie?" he smiled, poking Harley with his cane. "I told you he'd have it solved by midnight. I told you."
"You really ARE as smart as they say!" the cute little harlequin called up cheerfully.
THAT right there… for some reason… made it all worth while… He'd proven himself or something…
"Care for a drink?" Jack offered, motioning towards the abandoned house.
"Please." Edward was blunt.
"Don't just stand there, girlie - fix us something." Jack slapped Harley's ass. She gave a characteristic little squeal and was suddenly inside.
Ed sighed, very sarcastic, "Always a gentlemen, Jack." He gracefully leapt down from the tree, though he was VERY stiff. My, he was pretentious…
As the pair walked towards the house, Joker prodded one of the spotted hyenas with his cane. "How'd you provoke them, anyway? Their pretty good, ya know. Only attack when we starve without provocation when we starve them. When fed, their lazy, lifeless brats…"
Ed smiled, "Well, with various versions of me racing around terrorizing the place, they found provocation soon enough. Believe me."
Joker laughed, "Anything totally outrageous go down? Seriously. I'm curious. I mean, for a while, the whole thing was rather entertaining…"
After a moment, Ed replied, "I don't admit I'm wrong very often, or very easily, Jack… but I admit, I was wrong about all this. I almost feel I should apologize-"
On the front step now, Jack interrupted, disgusted. "Don't get all gushy, Edward. It's over. Whatever."
After a lull, Ed exclaimed, "What an adventure, though… no one would EVER believe it…"
"You should write it down, Ed. Write a book. People write about losing weight and fly fishing… surely someone will want to read about this…"
Eddie actually laughed. "Get serious, Jack. Who?"
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THE END
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