Frantically he searched through the pamphlets, the articles and the forms, too many pages and too much information. The baby yawned beside him and he glanced her way. Something so innocent and so little; they were told long ago that a child wasn't possible and then a miracle happened and they were beyond happy.
In a split second, it all went wrong. Too much bleeding and they couldn't stop it and suddenly he was left alone with a newborn to raise on his own.
"I can't do this. I'm sorry." He stared at his daughter. Emma Hanna Burke. Elizabeth had chosen the name and to honor her he kept it. She was asleep and so beautiful. Even at two months old he saw his wife, in her eyes and her nose and her mouth, especially when she smiled.
"I tried..." He did try. Day and night he tried the best he could to care for her but it was too much and she needed more. He couldn't be a mom and a dad; hell he wasn't sure he could be a dad when they first found out. Elizabeth had assured him over and over how wonderful he would be and when the time came he was as excited as she was and even convinced he could do it.
"Emma I don't have a choice." He heard the front door open and he tried to stack everything up.
"Peter, what is that?" Too late as Neal grabbed a booklet from him. "Are you serious?" Neal swept the table clean and then tossed everything in the garbage. "You're not giving your daughter up for adoption. I won't let you."
"It's not your choice" Peter spit out bitterly as he stood. "I said from day one I can't do this. I don't know how to be a father...I can't do this by myself."
"Peter, you're not alone. Your in-laws left a week ago and we've all been here to help you. How are you alone?"
"Elizabeth isn't here" he answered with a quivering voice. Neal looked at him, really looked at him; Peter was a shattered man, barely held together by a little girl he was thinking about giving up. Neal knew him; knew if he lost that child he would die. And Neal wasn't about to lose someone who meant so much to him.
"Peter, I'm sorry." He reached up and pulled the agent towards him, allowing Peter a few minutes of comfort. It wasn't much because he knew Peter wouldn't allow it and on cue, the agent pulled away, wiping at his eyes.
"Neal, go home."
"No." He shook his head. "I'll stay with Emma in the nursery so you can get some sleep."
"I don't sleep and you know it." That was true. Anyone who spent the night knew Peter paced most of the night, always awake if the baby needed him.
"Peter, you go back to work on Monday."
"What?" Peter spun around angrily. "Neal, I said I wasn't going back. I can't."
"You can and you will."
"And what about the baby?" Peter asked, waving his arms. "I'm not putting her in daycare. We talked about this and Elizabeth was going to take the first year off to be with her."
"And that is no longer an option" Neal simply said. "Peter, you need your job and there's a daycare on the 2nd floor and I signed Emma up this morning."
"You had no right."
"I'm your friend and that gives me the right." Neal crossed his arms defiantly. "Peter, try to get some sleep tonight and we'll talk about this in the morning. OK?" Neal reached for the small bassinet.
"Are you coming upstairs?" He asked when he noticed Peter wasn't following.
"I can't..."
Neal nodded in understanding. Peter hadn't slept in his bedroom since Elizabeth died.
"OK, your daughter will be fine tonight. Watch TV, get some sleep. Do anything but come up and check on her. Got it?"
"Neal, you'll need to warm up..."
"Peter, I know what to do. When she wakes up, I'll feed her and I'll change her." With that the younger man headed upstairs with the sleeping baby. Peter silently stood there for a few minutes before grabbing the remote and sliding boneless to the couch.
Neal rolled over on the air mattress and glanced upward at the crib. Quickly he stood but the baby was sound asleep so he left the nursery; it was in the hallway that he heard Peter crying. More than crying it was loud and gut wrenching and Neal could only sit on the steps and wait it out.
He remembered the day it happened. Elizabeth had called to say her water broke and a friend was driving her to the hospital. Diana had offered to drive Peter and Neal had tagged along.
They were in the waiting room when Peter was escorted out and several doctors ran in. He was panicked, they all were but no one was expecting the doctor to come back and say they couldn't save her.
It was Diana who stepped in, who held Peter as he sobbed uncontrollably. Neal numbly watched before calling the office to let the others know. That was the last time he saw Peter cry.
He was stoic at the funeral, though several others had heard Peter mourn when he thought he was alone.
Neal wasn't sure how much time passed before Peter quieted down and Neal went to check on him. He was asleep with his face buried in a pillow. Neal had no doubt it was Elizabeth's pillow as he gently covered his friend with the blanket and watched him sleep. It would get easier; it did for him after Kate's death. Time would be Peter's friend and Neal would be there to watch over him.
Peter was angry as he paced the conference room. Unbeknownst to him, Neal and Diana exchanged knowing glances. Back to work for nearly a month this was the first real case Peter had been allowed to head and a couple of rookie mistakes had his blood boiling.
Neither Neal nor Diana seemed too worried about their angry boss. He sounded like himself and though he still missed Elizabeth, each day seemed to get a little easier and bring back the person he used to be. The first week had been hard as Peter insisted on going downstairs every hour to check on Emma, normally dragging Neal with him. Now he was content with watching the online video that ran all day, smiling when he saw his daughter in the arms of one of the caretakers.
"It's late" Peter said, checking the wall clock. "Let's go home and we'll start fresh tomorrow." As everyone trudged out he grabbed Neal by the arm to stop him.
"Want to come over for dinner tonight? We can order a pizza or Chinese."
"Let's go to my place" Neal countered as they headed towards Peter's office.
'It's easier at my place because of Emma."
"Peter, you have formula and bottles in the bag and I have a stove to heat them up. Besides, I want to show you something."
"Fine" Peter said as he grabbed his jacket and briefcase. After a quick stop to get Emma they headed to Neal's apartment.
"Neal, what did you do?" Peter asked as he placed the baby carrier on the floor.
"It's not much" Neal said, clearly embarrassed as the agent eyed the little nursery Neal set up.
"June gave me the crib and I bought the playpen and the other stuff."
"But why?" Peter asked, facing the younger man.
Neal shrugged. "I figured you might need the house to yourself some day or if you go out of town. It's a safe place you can leave her. I don't mind" he added sincerely. "I want her to feel comfortable here and comfortable with me."
"She already does" Peter said as he lifted the baby up and handed her to Neal. She giggled as Neal made funny faces.
"There isn't a female around who you can't charm" Peter said with a huge smile. "I do appreciate this Neal. Thank you." He turned suddenly and walked away, muttering about ordering food, though Neal didn't miss the swipe at his face.
"Your dad will be fine" Neal whispered as he hugged the child tightly.
"Come on peanut, stop squirming." Peter smiled as he tried to get the socks on Emma's feet. "I have a dinner meeting tonight so you're going to stay at Uncle Neal's." Task completed he reached for her little shoes and struggled to put them on. At six months she was looking more and more like Elizabeth. "If Uncle Mozzie is there, don't listen to anything he says." Peter picked her up and then hurried around the kitchen tossing baby food into the bag. "I promise you the world is not a conspiracy theory."
Peter reached for his cell and hit speed dial.
"Neal, I'll be there in twenty minutes. Meet me outside." He raced to the back door and called the dog in. "You be good tonight" he said to Satch as he filled his bowls with food and water.
"Not you" he said to Neal. "I'm talking to the dog." He hung up the phone and adjusted Emma on his hip as he tossed her favorite bear in the bag.
"OK, are we good? Ready to go?" She smiled and his heart melted.
"Emma, tomorrow we're going to the park." She babbled something as he put her jacket on and ran out the door.
"You're late" Neal said when Peter finally pulled up to June's mansion.
"You try getting a squirming baby dressed and see how fast you can do it." As he spoke Peter jumped out of the car and took Emma from the car seat.
"Sweetie, I love you." He kissed her and then handed her to Neal, along with the bag.
"Everything you need is in there. Call me if you need me."
"Peter, go already. We'll be fine." With an exaggerated sigh Peter kissed the baby once more before jumping into the car and speeding away.
"I do believe your father is losing it" Neal whispered as he walked towards the front door. "Emma, we'll start with the basics of conning tonight." He smiled, imagining the look on Peter's face when his daughter picked her first lock.
"Ah, the fair princess" Mozzie exclaimed as they entered the apartment. "I'm surprised the suit trusts us enough to watch her" he added. "What are we teaching her tonight?"
"I thought we'd start with Baby Einstein" Neal answered as he sat her down near the TV. "After that, we can do building blocks or annoy each other with the musical bus."
"Sounds wonderful" Mozzie retorted, sounding bored. Neal smiled as he put Emma's things away and quietly watched his friend with the baby. He sometimes forgot how close Mozzie was to Elizabeth until he saw how attentive he was with Emma.
"She looks like Elizabeth" Mozzie remarked as he placed the baby on his legs, holding her up.
"I know."
"Do you think the suit notices?"
"I'm sure he does." Neal sat down next to them and gently grabbed Emma.
"How is he?"
"He's doing ok" Neal replied. "Some days are better than others." Neal hugged the child before settling her on his lap.
"Was he really going to give her up?"
"No. I don't think so." Emma giggled and they both smiled.
"If he does, he'll have me to deal with."
"Mozzie, shut up and watch the show."
Peter turned over in bed and groaned; it was dark out and Emma was up already. He listened to her babble and occasionally say a word he understood. Today was her birthday; the anniversary of the best day of his life and also the worse.
"Da da." Peter smiled. He wasn't sure if she was calling for him or the dog but he stood up and quickly dressed.
"Good morning sweetheart." She was standing up in her crib, smiling when he walked in. "You are such a happy baby." He picked her up and swung her around.
"Also, a stinky one."
She laughed as he tugged her pajamas off and quickly changed her, tossing the offending diaper away.
"That's better. Happy Birthday Emma." He turned the CD player on and danced with her in his arms. Peter discovered long ago this was soothing for both of them.
"Are you hungry? Let's go eat breakfast. "
They went downstairs where Satch greeted them. Peter put Emma down and laughed when the dog cowered away. He still wasn't sure what to make of her since she started walking.
"Hey boy, need to go out?" Peter let him out and then scrambled up a couple of eggs while Emma played on the floor.
Tonight they would go out with Neal and a few others to celebrate Emma's birthday. Saturday was her big party and Neal was in charge and Peter was worried. He wouldn't tell Peter what he had planned, just be at June's at noon.
Sighing, Peter glanced at his daughter. One day she would understand the true meaning of this day but for now, he vowed it would be a happy day. And it was.
"Emma, I love you" he whispered. Elizabeth, I miss you he silently added.