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Guarded
Summary: Character study of Anne. "She can cut anyone down quicker than the time it takes them to draw breath. Patti used to say it was part of her charm. She would disagree; after all, it's never made her many friends, which is perhaps why she is inexplicably drawn to Ryan King."
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The first observation anyone makes about her is always the same, no matter who you ask.
She's blunt, which, really, is an odd use of the word, considering in its proper use, it means almost the opposite to how it's used. Apply it to a pencil, it means it isn't sharp. It hasn't the potential to make its mark on paper.
Apply the word to her, and it means the opposite. Because she delivers the truth in a way that, unless you know her well, can come across as offensive; she leaves a verbal mark that is hard to erase, and it's not her intention to come across as unforgiving, or cynical. She's been around a while to realise the world isn't made of cotton candy; it doesn't leave a sweet taste in your mouth, and it can often be a dark haze you're fighting your way through every single day.
The thing is, in this little group, she's surrounded by people who, for the most part, think the opposite way to her. You have Mr K, who, frankly, is something else entirely. He has the odd moment where he expresses a good though, but mostly it's just nonsense that seems to operate him. Sonia is a sweetheart, but she's naive, and a little clingy. She gets attached to easily, and is the near enough mirror opposite of her. Owen hardly speaks, but he seems to have a good head on his shoulders, as best she can tell anyway. It's still early days, and sometimes the opinions she forms fall into irrelevance, but she slowly starts to learn the group, individually and collectively.
Lauren is admittedly a sweet character, if a little ditzy sometimes. She has a repertoire of clichéd methods for dealing with each situation, but the support she emits just seems to overshadow that, somehow. She seems to have this unique way of making each situation seem important, not just for the person directly involved, but for the entire group. Even cynical old Anne knows she's had moments – rare, admittedly – where she's been stunned into silence by another person's story, and their displays of strength.
It isn't easy – life.
It's a form of Hell, which makes her think if there is an actual Hell, it's going to be a land of luxury, because what other punishment can exceed what life often deals out? In Hell, you can't lose anyone, you can't watch tragedy unfold before your eyes, you can't make all these attachments that at some point you have to break off, willingly or otherwise.
Those views are why she's not welcomed at her local church anymore, but she'd stopped caring about what people thought the day Patti died.
So, yeah, her views don't win her many friends, but her cynicism is a way of coping. It cocoons her from the harsh reality of life, protects her from getting hurt, but a good forty, fifty years – she has no idea how long she'll live – of missing someone seems like the kind of pain that cuts through anything, so maybe the act is all in vain.
Ryan King surprises her the first day he comes in.
His ego is the first thing she loves and hates about him; hates, because she'll know he'll dominate every session with his overwhelming personality and loves because god help her despite her natural hatred of people who think they're the most important people in the world, he has a certain charm that sticks to her.
And he makes everyone in the group smile.
That hasn't happened so far. They're a weird group that either sit there, pretending to be interested in each other, or they try too hard and it just ends up backfiring. Somehow Ryan unites them. It's weird, and frankly a little uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable mainly because it seems that he's overturned the way they do things, and as unsettling as it is at first, she settles back to enjoy new competition for who has the more tragic back-story.
Patti would've liked him, she feels, because that was who she was. She had a healthy humour, but always knew where to draw the line. Ryan likes to tiptoe to that line, give a cheeky smile (to hide the hurt, the loss) and then saunter back. His job allows him to get away with that.
As the group sessions roll by, the ice around her heart thaws. She begins to see things from a new perspective, begins to love the group collectively, and it helps her with the grief.
The little things they do together – from visiting Ryan at stupid o'clock in the morning, to helping him celebrate his birthday, to taking care of Sonia and her entourage of cats – unite them, seal their bond. It's a strange, warm, giving feeling, but it propels her each morning into each action.
It's easier to smile, more natural to laugh, but there's still a long way to go before the pain of Patti's passing doesn't throb like a violent bruise. And she isn't turning into Mother Theresa anytime soon, thank you very much. If anything, being bitter has its advantages, not the least of which include the fact that she has quite a reputation in her area as being, and she quotes, "the woman to watch out for."
It's not something she'd want her personal ad to ever say – and if it included that phrase, it would have an entirely different meaning – but, hey, it keeps the worst of human life out of her way. She can cut anyone down quicker than the time it takes them to draw breath; Patti used to say it was part of her charm. She would disagree. After all, it's never made her many friends before, which is why perhaps she's inexplicably drawn to Ryan King.
They're both guarded individuals, who use very different methods to preserve their sanity.
He uses humour; it's not always to her taste.
She uses cynicism; it's never to anyone's taste, but then again, that's the point of it.
She's not entirely heartless though. Sometimes she'll still cry as she thumbs through old albums, and sometimes she'll put on a sentimental film and pretend Patti is beside her, and, yes, sometimes she'll even take heart the advice the group give her.
She's healing, but it'll take time.
She can't quite envision the day when getting up isn't such a painful task, but it's a date to look forward to. Maybe then she'll have the courage to ask another woman out, never replacing the memories of her and Patti by doing so, but creating a new life that unfortunately she can't be a part of.
And someday she'll find a way with dealing that.