"Wilson."
"Ngggggh."
"Wilson."
"Whaaaaat?"
"I can't sleep."
"G'way House."
"I can't sleep."
"Ngggh. S'four in the morning. G'way."
"Think I don't know that? I'm exhausted but I can't sleep."
*rolls over* "I'm ignoring you."
*poke*
*puts pillow over head*
*pokes harder*
"What do you want? I'm tired."
"Think I'm not?"
"Then go to sleep."
"Can't."
*sigh* "Okay. Does your leg hurt?"
"No more than usual. Just can't sleep."
"You have a bed. A bed that's not mine. Why don't you try lying down and closing your eyes?"
"Eh, been there, done that. The novelty's worn off. Tell me a story."
"What?"
"A story."
"About what? What is this, story time?'
"There's a method to my madness. Tell me something so mindnumbingly boring that I'll have no choice but to fall asleep."
"You could always just do paperwork. It has the same effect."
"This way's more fun."
"The point is for you to go to sleep. I'm pretty sure that 'fun' doesn't come anywhere into the equation."
"Just shut up and tell me the story already."
"Can't do both at the same time."
"Wilson…"
"Fine. FINE. Once upon a time, there was a limping twerp named…let's call him Louse."
"Oh, this is going to be fun."
"He was an annoying jerk who had no respect for personal boundaries whatsoever and drove everyone around him half-insane, especially at four in the morning."
"Four. O. Six. There's a difference."
"Whatever. So, one night when House—sorry, Louse—couldn't sleep, he decided to annoy his only friend—"
"Whose name was Self-Righteous Jerk—"
"And then the friend told him to go to sleep, and he did. The end."
"…"
"Now go away."
"That's a crappy story. I hope you never become a dad."
*siiiiiigh* "House…"
"You're no fun."
"It's the middle of the night. You want fun, call a hooker."
"Why do I need a hooker when I've got you?"
"Oh, right. I forgot. The oncology gig's just for kicks."
"Yeah, you're too pretty to be a doctor."
"…"
"What?"
"Did you just call me pretty?"
"Well, personally I prefer Chase with his glowing blond locks, but at this time of night I'll have to settle for you."
"Gee, thanks. Are you going to go away now?"
"Nope."
"…"
"…"
"I feel like a giant teddy bear."
"You are rather squishy. Keep on going with the story."
"What story—oh. It ended. The end. Remember?"
"No, it didn't."
"Yes, it did."
"No, it didn't. Louse came back."
"He did?"
"He did. I should know."
"And then his friend told him to go away. And Louse went away. Again."
"No, he didn't."
"He didn't?"
"Nope. Instead the friend got up and made Louse pancakes."
"Pancakes."
"Pancakes."
"At four in the morning."
"Yep."
"You're insane."
"So I've been told."
"And what happened after that? Between the pancakes and the going-to-work bit, I mean. Considering that there are roughly four hours between now and eight."
"And then…they watched TV."
"Did they now."
"Yep."
"That doesn't sound very exciting."
"Well, if the friend wants excitement…"
"Oh, god."
"…he could just ask."
"You're not going to go away, are you?"
"Nope."
"…"
"…"
"Well, I'm not getting up to make pancakes."
"Louse wanted them. Not me."
"Riiight. So what does House want?"
"House wants to go to sleep now."
"…"
"He's kinda tired, you know. Big day tomorrow and all that."
*sigh* "We're going to have to get a bigger bed, aren't we?"
"Yep."
"You snore, and I'm kicking you out."
"Well, you know I'll come right back."
"I'm counting on it."
"Good night, Wilson."
"Good night, House."