As requested on the main Yullen Week forum, this fic is not about the war of armies, commanders, and soldiers, but the war of lost love, unrequited love, and love that goes up into smoke.
All characters © Hoshino Katsura
War
It's been a war, getting Allen to love her.
"We are gathered here today…"
She's always loved him. No one believes in love at first sight, not any more; but Lenalee's always known her heart had chosen Allen, right from the very start.
Too bad Allen's heart had chosen someone else.
She knows it, always has known it. But that had not, has not, stopped her from trying.
It's been there from the start, when Lenalee found that white-haired boy crouched in the dust. When he turned around in response to a light tap, tears mingling with rain; when he smiled at her in spite of the tears.
Then, it was Mana he wanted; but there was something there, beneath all that, something deeper than the love of a forgotten father. A yearning for something, someone, who could cure all ills.
Lenalee should've stopped it then. Curbed the growth; destroyed the tumour.
But she was only young, after all, and she could not have known. Could not have known how the feelingg would grow into something altogether bigger and so much more significant than Lenalee could ever be in her life.
So she looked past the yearning, and concentrated on acquiring any amount of Allen's attention; however small, however insignificant; it would all add up in the end.
They went through nursery together; they started school together; they were like brother and sister, and Lenalee wanted it to stay that way. Then Lavi came, and Lenalee became aware of a different type of love. The two boys were so close; as if Allen knew something was missing in his life (a dark, looming presence) and needed someone to fill the gap.
The shadowed man appeared at the same time Lenalee's feelings did.
She had known for a long time that there was always something haunting Allen – a dark shadow, an angry presence; but she ignored it. It wasn't important; Allen didn't say anything, so neither did she.
Then, one day, she loved Allen, and the shadow was there.
It was always there; it was just that she'd never seen it. Tall, dark, eyes black and hair like night.
She never saw anything else; just that it was always, always, there. The brooding presence that stifled Allen's eyes; the hidden shadow that cut off Allen's heart.
Before long, it was a war. A war between two opposites – dark and light, day and night – waged on the battlefield of love. Lenalee was the reality, steering Allen towards the sun; the shadow, the fantasy, trapping Allen in a twilight world.
It's been a constant battle. No wins, no losses (but if Lenalee's brutally, brutally honest with herself, then she knows that the shadow has always won); it's been a deadlock.
At least, until today.
"…to join together Lenalee Lee and Allen Walker in matrimony…"
Now, she's standing before the altar, all white dresses and pink bridesmaids and Innocence baptised in the sun. She's there with the love of her life. She's won. She must have won.
It should be a dream. It's a nightmare.
Her dress doesn't fit (it's too white; she doesn't know why, but she can feel short skirts and long boots on her thighs, and that's what she wants.) Her hair isn't right (it's too long; she doesn't know why, but she can feel the wind on the back of her neck, and that's what she wants.)
She doesn't know why, but she feels vaguely uncomfortable here. It's as if she knows she should be sitting in the pews, hair short, boots high, watching someone else marry the man of her dreams.
She tries to push the vague feeling away. She's right here, right now; no one deserves to be here more than she does.
(But someone does. Someone tall, someone dark, someone handsome; someone gone, someone lost, someone vanished into the mists of time and memory.)
It's another battle the shadowed man has won. He's always in front of her, even when she tries to trick him into defeat.
"…If any one can show just cause why they may not be lawfully joined together, let them speak now or forever hold their peace."
Allen trembles, as if he expects a voice to call out in protest. Lenalee does, too.
She can almost hear the voice. It's deep, scowling; she knows it, and it fills her with warmth.
But then again, she's just another silly, selfish person, after all (where has she heard those words before?); and she can't give up what's in front of her for what she doesn't see.
She can't lose to a shadow. It would be so much easier if it was someone else Allen was yearning for. Rhode. Miranda. Tyki. Komui. Even Cross, for God's sake. She doesn't care. She's not picky.
Someone she knows. Someone she loves. Someone she could concede defeat to.
But please, just not this person.
Not someone so near yet so far. Not someone so hazy yet so clear. Not someone half-standing in the shadows, smirking in the splintered light.
Not Kan – Kan –
She can't say it.
"Who gives this woman to be married to this man?"
Komui is so proud of her. He's happy for her, and she knows it, but it doesn't feel quite right.
He shouldn't be standing there, smiling placidly as his beloved sister leaves him for another; he shouldn't murmur, in a quiet, quiet, voice that he will give away his sister; he knows how Allen feels. Knows Allen doesn't love Lenalee; knows he should be protesting at this sham of a wedding.
But he doesn't, and silently shuts her out.
It hurts.
"Lenalee Lee, do you pledge to love Allen and throughout your years together to be honest, kind, and faithful to him?"
They planned it this way. She will go first, Allen second. It's unorthodox, but Lenalee knows Allen won't, can't, say the vows if she doesn't say them first.
Doubt chokes him, even now. Even with the ring on the finger and the hand on the heart.
"Do you pledge to give to him the same happiness he gives to you, and to respect him for who he is, not who you want him to be?"
Of course, of course. She will do everything and more to keep Allen by her side. She can't and she won't let him leave her; for then, she knows, he would disappear, off to find his heart's desire.
He would leave her, standing at the altar, wondering what went wrong.
She can't let that happen. The shadowed man will not win.
"Lenalee Lee, do you take Allen Walker to be your lawful wedded husband?"
It's a given. There's no hesitation, just mere stirrings of unease, little voice that whisper sweet lies.
"I do."
She will bind Allen to her side more closely than chains will allow, and these paper words will do that for her. Like charms, the words bestow power to the paper; like chains, the words will – they will –
(It's not going to work, is it?)
"Then please repeat after me…"
Lenalee listens, but it doesn't register. She's memorised the vows perfectly; she doesn't want to mess this up, after all. Their relationship is too fractured to have anything else break it apart.
"I, Lenalee Lee, take you, Allen Walker, for my lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."
And as she repeats the words, she suddenly understands.
It's all been for nought.
She doesn't belong here. Of course she doesn't. Why has she been denying it?
She doesn't belong here.
Someone else should be repeating these words after the priest. Someone else should be exchanging secret smiles and hidden words with the groom. Someone else should be waiting to kiss the man she loves.
Someone else should be bathing in the soft summer light, basking in the love of friends and family. Tiedoll knows it. Marie knows it. Daisya knows it. Alma knows it.
And Allen knows it most of all.
"Allen Walker, do you pledge to love Lenalee and throughout your years together to be honest, kind, and faithful to her?"
Lenalee doesn't doubt that he will. Only he won't love her as she loves him; only he won't be as truthful to her as she is truthful to him; only he won't be as kind to her as she is kind to him.
He can't help it, though, and she doesn't grudge him for it.
He will love her as a brother loves his sister; he will lie to her as a guardian lies to protect his charge; he will be cruel to her as only a man who loves another can be to his wife.
He will be faithful to her, but only to keep himself, above all, faithful to the shadowed man.
"Do you pledge to give to her the same happiness she gives to you, and to respect her for who she is, not who you want her to be?"
Lenalee doesn't doubt that, either. Only she won't make him as happy as he will make her; only she doesn't respect him as he respects her.
She can't help it, though, and he doesn't grudge her for it.
She will never be the one he truly yearns for; she will never see him as anything other than the boy she fell in love with (over a century ago.)
"Allen Walker, do you take Lenalee Lee to be your lawful wedded wife?"
Allen hesitates before saying what should slip from his lips like sickly sweet honey.
And in that pause, Lenalee knows she's never really going to win this war. Allen won't ever really love her; the only reason why he's here today is because the one he knows it's silly to love a shadow.
It's silly to lose to a shadow, too. They are two fools, Allen and Lenalee. Two dolls acting out a make-believe wedding.
"I do."
It's a war, and it's a lost cause. Lenalee throws down the gauntlet.
She admits her defeat.