~Hermione~
I stare into the mirror and chew on my lower lip, hating what I see.
Eyes - brown, the color of mud.
Hair - much to frizzy.
Body - Fat. Fat fat fat.
I sigh, looking away from the mirror and flopping down on my bed. I'm alone in the dorm, at least for now, so I let the tears that cloud my eyes fall.
"Why am I so fat?" I say aloud, startled by the anger in my voice.
It's because you have no self control, you eat too much and you don't do anything about it. Would it kill you to exercise a little?
Fat/Ugly/Alone.
I place a tentative hand on my full stomach, as I try to ignore my thoughts. I left lunch early, but I still ate so much... Well, there is something that I could do about it... No, I couldn't. It's so dangerous... But maybe just this once.
It didn't take much convincing. The next thing I know I'm knelt down in front of the toilet, wand in hand. I clear my throat, and murmur the spell that has been consuming my thoughts for weeks now.
"Vomero." Immediately I begin to gag, and the contents of my stomach make a reappearance. My throat burns and my eyes water, but I do it again for good measure. I realize too late that someone else has entered the bathroom, and I hastily pocket my wand before flushing the toilet and opening the cubicle door.
Ginny stands, leaning against the sink with a concerned expression on her face. Damn, she looks cute when she's worried... I feel my cheeks flush as I put those thoughts aside. Not only is she a girl, she is also my ex boyfriends sister, and best friends ex girl friend.
"Hey, 'Mione, are you okay? I thought I heard retching..." I shake my head, swishing some water from the tap around in my mouth to help remove the taste of vomit.
"I think I may be getting ill... My lunch just made a rather unpleasant reappearance." I say convincingly, well, it is half true. Ginny gives my a sympathetic frown and takes my hand.
"Come on then, let's get you to bed. You have transfiguration after lunch, right? I'll go tell McGonagall that you're ill." She says, leading me over to my bed. She sits down on her own, busying herself as I change. She knows how much I hate people watching me change. I smile, musing over how much she understands.
Once I'm in my pyjamas I crawl into my bed and under the covers. I know that I shouldn't miss class, especially since I'm not really ill, but I know Ginny will insist, and besides, I could use the alone time. Lately I've been feeling depressed, and my marks have reflected it.. Thinking back to the E I received on my last History of Magic essay, I shudder. Ginny frowns again, resting the back of her hand on my forehead.
"Are you cold? You don't feel warm... Maybe you should go see Madam Pomfrey." I shake my head quickly, Madam Pomfrey would see through me in an instant.
`"No! No, I'm fine. Really. I just need to take a nap." I say quickly, flashing Ginny a reassuring smile. She glances up at the clock on the wall and sighs softly.
"Well there's only ten minutes until afternoon classes, and I need to go talk to McGonagall for you before charms.. So I have to leave now. Sweet Dreams, 'Mione." When she leaves I smile, I love when she calls me that. Once I'm alone again, the sadness sets in. Why is it that the one girl I want, is the one I can't have?
Without realizing it, I begin to cry. Silently at first, but then I begin to sob, and I can't stop. And I don't know why exactly I am crying. Everything is just too much, too hard. Then I realize that that is why I'm crying; everything is too much. My weight? Too high. My feelings for Ginny? Too strong. The overwhelming feeling to pitch myself off of the astronomy tower? Constant.
I freeze.
Despite the depression, I had never considered suicide before. I've always thought it to be a rather selfish thing for someone to do, because you die and leave everyone else to hurt because of it. Maybe they would be better off without you... I shake my head. No. No matter how bad things get, I know that I could never commit suicide. I think of my parents, of Ron, Harry, Ginny...
Out of the corner of my eye, I see a flash of silver. My potions knife. A dangerous thought crosses my mind, and the next thing I know I'm sitting up, twirling the blade between my fingers uncertainly. And then I cut. I gasp at the pain, a stream of red staining the pale skin of my forearm. It feels good. I cut again, deeper this time, letting the blood well up, rolling down my arm and splashing onto my bed sheets. I make three incisions on left my arm, and two on my right. The release it gives me is intoxicating.. It scares me a bit... I stare at the blood, transfixed, before realizing that classes will be ending soon, and Ginny may come back to check on me. I murmur a few quick cleaning spells to clean the sheets, and run into the bathroom to run my arms under the taps. It stings, but when I remove them the bleeding has seemed to have stopped and the cuts appear to be clean. For a moment I consider healing them with magic, but then I decide against it.
I kind of like the stinging.
Authors Note: Hi there! So this is my first fanfiction, so don't hate me too much for it's awfulness :p Please review, and don't be afraid to be critical! I could really use any tips you may have for me :) And yeah, I know this chapter is short, but I'm just kind of testing the waters. If I get a positive response the next chapters should be much longer :)