I remember a fortune cookie telling me once "A good gesture can change someone's day. And even someone's life". Never thought that could actually be as true as the fact that the sky's blue.
I keep thinking: and the funny thing is that what happened was the last thing I thought –or wished– would happen. If your day gets bad in the morning, you're pretty damn sure it'll be a bad day for the rest of it.
It turned out being a really good one.
"When you said you wanted to meet me here," Rhodey took a long pause and then gave shatter smile to his hand, merely because he didn't want to look at her. His soon-to-be ex-girlfriend. He could write down a list of from where everything went downhill. Maybe it all started with Tony being a really busy rich guy. But even though he tried to drag himself out of the thought, he knew this was happening, "I– I mean, I saw it coming but I thought,"
"It's ok, Jim" Rae took his hand and made him look at her "I think we both want this, don't you?"
Rhodey nodded slowly. He had to give her that much. Because she was right, it wasn't working. Rhodey was always away taking Tony to places and this last months were the exploding bomb of his relationship. There was no one to blame except time and distance maybe.
"We can still be friends" she said after a while. Rhodey cracked a dry laugh at that. He didn't have that much friends, he guessed there was a reason to it. He was too lazy and not interested as to wonder which was. Tony was more than enough for a friend that he could ever handle.
"Yeah, I suppose" he lied. They stood there for what felt too long. Maybe she was thinking about the 3 years and half she wasted with Rhodey. And Rhodey just set there sure of how he should feel but not sure of how he felt.
"Err, that's gotta stink" Darcy said cleaning the counter.
"What's gotta stink?" Steve asked from the register.
"That guy that just got his ass kicked at 9am on Wednesday or the girl who found out her fiancé cheated on her?" Bucky asked cleaning some tea cups.
"Both," Darcy replied "But I was talking about the guy" she added. Something made a 'click' sound from one of the microwaves and Darcy went fast to get it. Next thing, she was handing a mug with something written on it to Bucky.
"What?" he looked at her confused. Steve smiled from behind her
"It's the store policy that we give one cup of coffee with a cute message on it to people that seem down," he said as if it wasn't ridiculous.
"That's like the most stupid thing I've ever heard" Bucky said frowning
"There's still love in the world, you Grinch" Darcy mocked him. "Choose, crybaby bride," she pointed the redhead girl who was cleaning up her nose with a tissue "or mysterious-in-a-sexy-way guy?" she pointed a dude that looked lost in his own head, but hey, no tears.
"None," Bucky said moving the cup away on the table.
"C'mon, it's your first day, go give the cup to the girl" Steve tried to encourage. Bucky took a look at her and then back at Steve making a frowny face. "Go,"
"Fine," he whined "But I'll give it to the guy because he isn't embarrassing" he took the cup and walked like a child who's just been scolded.
As predictable, the mysterious-in-not-a-sexy-way guy looked more lost when Bucky dropped the coffee in the table, "I didn't order–
"It's the store policy," Bucky said quickly. The guy frowned even harder and then took a look at the coffee, like testing it wasn't a bomb or anything, "I wanted to put 'Life sucks, a cup of coffee won't make it different', but my boss didn't like the idea" he faked a smile that went amazingly together with his last-acquired dark humor. The guy still frowned.
"Thanks," he said in an asking tone. There was a short pause while he grabbed the mug in his hands "why am I getting this again?" he put the mug down and his frown came back.
"Store policy, we give a cup of coffee with a cute little message to people that look like shit" Bucky repeated himself in a tired tone and the guy raised his eyebrows
"Oh, so I look like shit?" he wondered and Bucky laugh at the poor guy's misery.
"Not obviously but we saw your girlfriend breaking up with you thirty minutes ago" he cleared up; the guy replied with a face that Bucky wouldn't be so fast to call grief-y. This guy only looked tired. Of the world's shit. And Bucky just might have started to sympathize with him "What's your name?" he asked with a full different smile this time.
"Uhm, why?" he said when he finished the second sip of his coffee.
"I have to write it down so you won't come here every day to get free coffee" he made up.
"James. Rhodes" he replied easy. Bucky pretended to write it in his small notebook and took off.
The day, as Rhodey predicted, didn't get any better from there.
At least until 7:15pm when Tony came up with the awesome idea of him being his wingman. Going "hunting" with Tony was never a good thing. Never
"I'm taking off, this day was particularly not as bad as the rest of this pity week and we're on Wednesday" Bucky said taking of the shop's apron.
"Jesus, Natasha did a big number on you, didn't she? I haven't seen someone this bitter since I met Jane's brother-in-law" Bucky put on his leather jacket and plainly ignored Darcy.
"Bye" he said going out of the kitchen. Steve called him down a second after it.
"Hey" he said walking next to him when he catched him "Where you going?"
"A bar maybe, why?" he asked and Steve shrugged. "Oh boy, this is gonna be fun"
New York at night was like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street. Faster than the flashes of the cameras of LA's Red Carpets.
It was probably what set Bucky on. Steve on the other hand hated it to his core. Party and neon lights and everything too bright and happening too quick for him to notice.
Bucky liked New York at night because the hours went fast and he didn't felt the painful passing of time. He liked it because he didn't even have time to think of anything. That's why Steve probably hated it.
"What about your secret super-rich guy?" Bucky asked opening the door. Steve shrugged.
"I don't know...he keeps saying that there are no strings attached, but I feel like he wants to give me more, there just something stopping him" Steve explained and half-way through it Bucky regretted to have asked anything.
"So you're going out with me tonight?" he asked sitting at the bar.
"As your wing man, remember" he reminded. Bucky shook his head smiling.
"You're the worst wing man in the story of wing men that suck" Bucky asked the bartender for two drinks with a motion of his hand. Steve set next to him looking at his hands "Ever." he then added.
"You just say that because I didn't like that you told that girl that you were a doctor the other day" Steve replied. Scolding. And Bucky really considered getting a new best friend.
"No" he said over the speaker.
"Oh, c'mon, where's the harm in-"
"That's the fun of it" Rhodey cut him off "at first it sounds harmless but next thing I know I'm scared shitless because you can't keep your mouth shut when two big fat drunk guys are threatening to kill us" Rhodey said opening his fridge.
"That just happened once" he complained.
"I thought they were going to kill us, right after raping us, Tony" and the saddest part was that he wasn't kidding.
"Leave off my case, would ya'?" Rhodey shook his hand and took a sip of an old beer he got of the fridge. "I'm here, get down"
"But I-
"Ah! I don't wanna hear it; your girlfriend broke up with you today. We are getting drunk" Tony said over the speaker in his very characteristic way of speaking before hanging up. Rhodey sighed and took a jacket because there was really no point in arguing with Tony.
End of the day he'd go.
There was something to be said about drinking alcohol. More than take away your inhibitions it set you free for a moment. Yes, it had its price but since we're all dying someday Bucky thought there was no real loss. Steve didn't understand it, because somehow alcohol didn't work on him. At least not the kind of "work" Bucky'd considered.
Steve was one big ball of sadness when he got drunk.
"Ooooook" he sang when he finished his third glass. Steve stared at him making his usual face of 'I still don't get why you do this but I'm tired of scolding you' "what should we do now?" he turned back at the really empty dance floor. It was only 10:30 so it was pretty early, the bar wasn't particularly empty but it wasn't the way Bucky liked it.
He still stood there, because one of these days his apartment will fall over him and crush him to death. Because one of these days he might as well stop caring enough to keep breathing. As a matter of a sad fact the only reason why he kept caring to breathe was sitting next to him, whining about a man who wasn't smart enough to take him and never let him go.
Bucky reminded back when he had his massive crush over Steve. Totally understandable because he was everything Bucky ever and truly had. More than often not the way he wanted but still. With time he learned that he wasn't enough for him. That Steve deserved better. And it doesn't matter how many times Steve himself would say otherwise, Bucky knows better than that. It isn't about him being not good enough. It's about the fact that Steve deserved someone that would love him unconditionally and Bucky wasn't cut out to that anymore. Bucky trusted Steve enough to sleep under the same roof with him and not fear for his life but there were things that were crucial in a relationship.
And almost all of those things Bucky was missing. The others he was just unable to give. To anyone. Anymore.
It's hard at first, beginning to understand how broken you are. It's hard to stop being selfish as to lie promising more than you can actually give. Or to actually believe you're able to give it.
Bucky understood that Steve needed someone alive by his side. And he died a long time ago.
He was just existing now.
In the outside Bucky was just a bit bitter in a good day, wearing every moment his fake masquerade of sassiness and self-confidence. It was just a self-defense system that was beyond his understatement. But it worked, no one really knew James Buchanan Barnes on the inside. No one except maybe Steve Rogers.
"And now I'm talking to myself..." he said after a while. Bucky got back to reality seconds after it.
"I'm sorry" he was.
"I'm used to it" Steve said with a smile that probably shouldn't set Bucky off as much as it did.
"Yeah, well, you shouldn't" he said taking a full sip of his glass.
"Bucky..."
"Nevermind, I didn't say anything" he knew how this conversation went anyway. He really wanted to believe what Steve said. With every single fiber of his body, but he didn't. And it's not because he thought Steve was lying to him but because he didn't think Steve knew just how wrong he was about him.
Steve gave a small squeeze to his knee and said, "I'm going to the bathroom" after a while.
Time passed quickly but no that quickly. Not until the 13th glass, anyway.
Suddenly the empty bar was so loud Bucky couldn't hear his miserable and self-loathing thoughts anymore.
"Let's dance" he offered and Steve choked on a laugh.
"No thanks, I'm not drunk to embarrass myself" he told and Bucky pouted to his glass before taking a drink from it.
"Remind me to tell your rich boyfriend to pay you some dancing classes" he mocked.
"Will you ever quit with the rich jokes?"
"Nope, I don't think I will" Bucky answered almost immediately.
"Why don't you go and get your own dancing partner? It's a pity all your charm is wasting on that glass" Steve said but Bucky shook his head.
"This glass is my friend ok? Show some respect" he joked. "C'mon Steve I don't feel like socializing today and this kind of dancing has no trick whatsoever"
"No, I don't want to" he stated.
"Not even if I ask you to?" another's man voice said from behind.
When Bucky turned back, the Carolina Herrera gave away everything he needed to put two and two together.
Tall, although-not-taller-than-Steve, dark and handsome. Basic. But the dude was intriguing. "Tony" slipped out of Steve's lips and the dude showed his bright white teeth at him.
Yeah, rich and arrogant.
"This is- uhm, this Bucky, he's my best friend" Steve introduced when Bucky turned back to the bar's table, then he turned again to shake the guy's hand.
"I thought you said you were going to the movies, with uhm- what was it? Sheryl?" Tony said after Bucky turned again.
"Sharon" Steve corrected. Sharon worked in front of the coffee shop at small book-store there. Obnoxious and cocky as she could only be. She was Steve friend but it wasn't particularly because of her.
"I thought you said you were going out with a friend" Bucky smiled slightly at Steve's pronunciation of 'friend'.
"I am. He's in the bathroom" he explained and Steve shot a short glance at Bucky. "Look, I really wanna talk to you" the guy sounded honest, but then again, Bucky wasn't good at sensing people's honestly really. "Do you think we can talk now?"
"I– uhm
"Go ahead, I don't mind" Bucky said suddenly. He smiled at Steve and then he took off with the dude 'Tony'.
Bucky wasn't sure for how long he set there looking at no one, thinking in nothing but when he turned back to the table there was a new glass in front of him. "Uhm–
"That girl from the corner sends it to you" the bartender explained and Bucky turned to find a blonde girl winking at him. Bucky consider it for a second, and half way that second he was already thinking 'screw it'. He turned to grab the glass and stood up quick.
The glass made a loud 'crack' sound but Bucky just imagined it in his head because he was sure he couldn't have heard it with all the music. He shook his hand wiping the alcohol out of it while the guy kept saying 'sorry'. He went down to grab some of the broken glasses while Bucky stared at the back of a head. A head that he really hated right now.
"I'm sorry–" he stood up and Bucky recognized him as soon as he did.
"Well, hey there" Bucky said and the guy placed the small pieces of glass he collected from the floor in the table.
"I'm sorry" he said again.
"Nah it's just a glass. You could repay me the coffee with another glass tho" he joked and the guy smiled a little bit.
"I thought that was for free" he told him calling down the bartender.
"Well everything's got a cost" Bucky set again and stared at the guy's right side. There were things that got Bucky's attention immediately. Such as sphinx-ly serious guys. He saw the guy look at him with the corner of his eye and smile a little.
"Just for the spilling" he said passing him a brand new glass of whiskey. Bucky murmured a 'thank you' and took a sip.
"You're not having anything?" he asked a bit later. Rhodey shook his head.
"I'm driving a friend home. If I ever find him anyway..." then again, even with alcohol going through his veins Bucky put two and two together quickly too.
"Brunette? Rich and arrogant?" Bucky asked and Rhodey gave him one of those weird frowny look of his.
"Yes?" he doubted.
"He won't come back" he replied taking another sip of his glass. It was the habit actually. Talk, drink, talk, drink and maybe soon kiss this guy's brains out. He could hold a couple of 10 more drinks until that though.
"How do you– nevermind. Do you know him?" he asked him turning back to him, one beer on his hand.
"I thought you said–
"One can change one's mind" he shrugged.
"I just met him. He's got a thing with a friend of mine..." Bucky told him shrugging.
"Steve?" Rhodey asked and Bucky mouthed an 'hmh-mh'. "So what are you doing here? Drinking your tears away?"
Bucky had practiced for about three hundred times the basic and simple 'actually more like hunting my pray' and surprisingly it always worked, more in guys than girls but he really didn't mind; but this time he found himself saying "More like trying not to think just how miserable I am" and with that it all started.
With that it all changed.
If Bucky would be fair to truth he completely honest didn't expect it to turn out as to what happened. Of all the things he thought or planned to happen this thing was near to maybe a raccoon stealing Steve's keys and then them sleeping at the house of a hooker Bucky just met. And it was more likely to happen than this.
This night he found himself trusting a guy he met in the morning. Trusting him enough as to care for what he said and what he replied. Trust him enough to talk about silly little things like Steve being afraid of thunders when they grew up. Or that time he scratched his knees trying to save a three legged cat. Trust him enough as to laugh. Really. Not because he felt forced to but because it was funny and he felt right.
"What about you?" he had asked and listened carefully to Jim Rhodes', sometimes 'Rhodey', stupid stories. Funny stories. And sad stories as well.
He could maybe blame alcohol but that usually made him go around and sleep with strangers. Not open up to them.
"How did this happen?" Bucky asked then. Rhodey finished his beer and looked at him.
"What?" he asked him.
"You and I talking like we've known each other for years and found again" Rhodey's smile widened.
"I don't know, I like talking and I like you" he said as it was simple and obvious as breathing. But Bucky felt an awkward meaning to this.
"Do you?" Bucky said slow and stared at bright brown-green eyes for a little too while "why?" it came out as whisper, an unknown voice to himself. He heard himself talking and he felt the despair in his question. It was like it wasn't him anymore. Someone else, someone that really wanted this guy to like him.
"You want the truth?" he said with a small grin on his face and Bucky could see his eyes getting more green than brown.
"No, I want you to lie to me" he mocked because he was still James Barnes.
"I like you because you seem to have lost the hope in people. I like you because you look like you need someone to trust and I happen to be really good at trust, or so I'm told" he said making a small movement of his shoulders, not like a shrug it was less carefree than that but it felt like he was being honest and suddenly Bucky throat grew tighter.
"Do you wanna get out of here?" he asked what he wanted to ask for like three hours ago. Rhodey bet his bottom lip and Bucky followed the motion with his eyes.
"Yeah, sure" he said at last