Hercules was a big, dumb jock

And he had a bad temper as well.

He may've been a hero, he may've been strong,

But today he'd have ended in jail!

It is true he strangled two big ugly snakes

While he was still babe in his bed.

But don't think his muscles make up for

The lack of the brains in his head.

Just think of the gosh awful things he did.

Why in school he was bad as can be!

He lost his temper more than once

And I bet he can't divide things by three.

His poor music teacher was the first one

To die because of the brute's temper.

Yeah, Hercules was sorry after it was done

And he sat with a pout and a whimper.

Later in life he lost it again

And it's a good thing he didn't have guns,

Or he may have had many more deaths on his hands

Than those of his wife and his sons.

He claimed "temporary insanity" had caused him

To kill both his kids and his wife.

He said that his stepmother Hera had

Come down to ruin his life.

I guess that the countryside bought it

Because the only punishments that he had

Were to perform those twelve awful labors

To make up for the times he was bad.

Today if he'd done those awful deeds

He'd be a cad, a louse, and a zero.

He wouldn't expect to finish his life

As a brave and remarkable hero.

I wish I could say his killing was done

But alas, I'm afraid it's not so.

He flew into a fit of rage

And killed his friend, Iphitus, you know.

His only punishment for THIS slaying

Was to be slave for three years to a queen.

He was made to dress up as a woman

And he complained that this was just mean.

In his defense I guess I should say

That Hera really hated his guts.

She continually looked for opportunities

To drive him totally nuts.

In the end he got his just desserts

When a centaur tricked his new wife

Into giving him a potion of poison

That ultimately ended his life.

Poor thing, she thought she was giving him

Something that would make his love true.

But alas that potion of poison

Caused much pain and agony too.

As usual, Hercules blamed the wrong person

He threw Lichas right into the seas.

All Lichas had done was bring him the robe

That was washed in the poison you see.

Zeus, his father, felt sorry for him

And though Hercules' body did die

Zeus took the essence of Hercules

And placed him up there in the sky.

Hercules was then given the goddess Hebe

To be his lover and wife.

It seems too great a reward

For a man who had messed up his life.

I wish when movies and TV

Are giving Hercules glory

They would tell about the bad things too

'Cause folks aren't getting the story.

He had muscles, braw and strength,

But he had the brains of a rock.

This legendary hero and strong guy

Was nothing but a dumb old jock.