"How Donald learned to fly a plane"
By Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife.
Three guesses who I think taught him. Come on, I bet you can guess!
This takes place when Donald was still in the Navy, just before the "Ducktales" episode, "All Ducks on Deck".
Launchpad and Mr. McDuck were flying to Donald's aircraft carrier because Donald was coming home on a visit. Mr. McDuck also had business to do with Admiral Grimmace,(1) it seems the Navy was considering buying some planes manufactured by FLINTHEART GLOMGOLD and Mr. McDuck was there to tell them NOT to buy them.
While Mr. McDuck was arguing with Admiral Grimace, Donald looked at Launchpad's copter with envy.
"Wish I knew how to fly a plane. But Admiral Grimmace won't let me. He says an aircraft carrier is no place to learn to fly. Worst of all, he's RIGHT." he muttered.
Launchpad removed Donald's sailor cap and put his aviator's cap on Donald's head. It was too big for Donald, so Launchpad adjusted the strap. Not knowing what ELSE to do with Donald's sailor cap, Launchpad put it on his own head. Launchpad looked remarkably silly wearing Donald's tiny cap.
"I can teach you how to fly a plane. I'm a pilot, remember?" Launchpad said.
"I don't have the money to pay for flying lessons!" Donald yelled.
"Did I ASK for money? I was thinking more of a "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" arrangement. Mr. McD doesn't know it yet, but the navy's already bought one plane from Flintheart. And naturally, it's a lemon like you would NOT believe. Big surprise. Worse, the Navy signed a contract with Flinty. He probably bribed somebody. If an unfortunate accident does not happen to the prototype within the trial period, which is up soon, they have to buy a whole slew of lousy planes." Launchpad said.
"How do YOU know all this?" Donald hissed.
"Sorry. Can't tell you that. Just let's say Admiral Grimmace talked to a friend of mine (2) who talked to me. I'm supposed to arrange an accident happening to the prototype, but I need help to do so. That's where you can come in, if you're willing. I'll take all blame for the plane being wrecked. And I'll teach you how to fly a plane in return. Deal?" Launchpad asked.
"What exactly do I have to do?" said Donald cautiously, not wanting to get in trouble with Admiral Grimmace. Launchpad filled him in.
"This way, the Navy does not have to waste money- and lives- on defective planes." Launchpad in.
"But Admiral Grimmace doesn't know you're supposed to wreck the plane, does he?" Donald asked.
"Nope. I don't think he's even seen the contract, so he doesn't know about that loophole out of it. But he won't know YOU had a thing to do it. I promise." Launchpad said.
"Well- OK. If this plane's as bad as you say, I don't want the Navy spending money on it. Or Navy pilots flying it. Just one thing- can I arrange for the "accident" to happen while I'm aboard your copter, heading back here? " Donald asked.
"Only if you're sure the accident will happen." Launchpad said.
"I'm sure" replied Donald.
Donald shook hands with Launchpad.
So Donald, just before he left on his one day pass home, accidentally-on-purpose put some crates full of walnuts too close to the "trap door" of the aircraft carrier. The trap door was not going to be used for days and Donald knew nobody would move those crates. Donald also rigged the trap door so when Launchpad "closed his eyes": i.e., turned the headlights of his copter on and then off again, this prearranged signal set off the remote control and opened the trap door.
Launchpad's copter made quite a breeze as he came down. The copter also made a lot of noise and vibrations. He kept this up until the crate full of walnuts fell on the plane, even if Launchpad's copter never touched them. Launchpad did not touch down until the crates had fallen. (3)
The crates crashed onto the defective prototype plane, wrecking it.
"Heh! That's easier than having to open all those walnuts with a nutcracker!" said Donald to himself.
Admiral Grimmace was secretly relieved to see the stupid defective prototype plane wrecked- but he could hardly admit it. This does explain why he did NOT have Launchpad arrested for wrecking the plane, nor demanded Mr. McDuck pay for the plane. Had Admiral Grimmace known that Launchpad and Donald had effectively cancelled the contract to buy more of the planes, instead of just making the planes somebody else's headache, he might have shook Launchpad's hand and given Donald that stupid medal!
AFTER "All Ducks on Deck" ended...
"Where's the flight suit? You got back the invisible jet, but where's the flight suit?" Admiral Grimmace screamed.
"Agent X- Ensign Plummer- was still wearing it when last I saw him. The fishermen of Cat Island were fishing him and the Phantom Blot up so they could put them in the local pokey 'till the authorities come to lock them up someplace else" Launchpad said.
"Well, GO GET THE FLIGHT SUIT BACK!" Admiral Grimmace hollered.
"You can't give ME orders. I'm a civilian." Launchpad said, evenly.
"If you don't, I'm sending the bill for that plane you wrecked right to Scrooge McDuck!' yelled Admiral Grimmace.
"Launchpad, go GET THAT FLIGHT SUIT BACK!" Mr. McDuck screamed.
"HE can give me orders." Launchpad said, with dignity.
"And YOU go with him, Seaman Donald! If anybody asks, you're the pilot who's supposed to fly the jet, since he can't claim to be!" Admiral Grimmace ordered.
"He's the pilot. Why can't he say he's supposed to wear it? " Donald asked, a tad cluelessly.
"Wear it as what? A cuff link? I couldn't fit my beak in a suit that size- but it should fit you." Launchpad asked.
"Exactly! Now go!" demanded Admiral Grimmace.
"Aye, aye, sir" Donald said.
"We'll need to borrow a plane. My copter is still on Cat Island." Launchpad said.
"Take the cargo plane. Even YOU can't wreck that tough cookie. You can load your copter right inside it." Admiral Grimmace said.
So Launchpad and Donald took the Navy cargo plane to Cat Island.
"Sure you know how to fly this thing?" Donald asked.
"Contrary to what your Uncle may have told you, I know what I'm doing. Even he's not cheap enough to think hiring a PILOT who is incompetent is a GOOD idea.(4) He just says that he hired me because I came cheap to preserve his image." Launchpad explained.
"And I do work rather cheaply, mostly because I like Mr. McDuck, I can't STAND Flintheart Glomgold and I like the excitement and adventure." Launchpad said.
"Does the fact you're younger than my Uncle Scrooge thinks you are have anything to do with it?" Donald asked.
"How...how did you know that?" Launchpad asked.
"After everything my Uncle Scrooge has told me about you, I took a good look at your pilot's license while waiting for my Uncle Scrooge to finish yelling at Admiral Grimmace...you left it in the copter. I noticed your date of hatched. Uncle Scrooge doesn't know you're only 17,(5) does he?" Donald asked.
"I'm NOT going to tell my Uncle Scrooge. I just want to know how you pulled a "fast one" over my Uncle Scrooge- that's not easy and I should know!" Donald reassured Launchpad.
"All I did was keep my big beak shut! Mr. McD never ASKED me how old I was when he first hired me...so I sort of forgot to mention I was thirteen. Or that I had turned thirteen ten days ago." Launchpad replied.
"That's another reason I don't mind getting paid so little! How many "people" would hire a 13 year old kid as a PILOT? I'm so blaimed big that he thought I was 19!" Launchpad said.
"Especially since my Uncle Scrooge is a little short. And old. It's hard for an older person to tell how old a younger person is." Donald muttered, half to himself. "Are you ever going to tell my Uncle Scrooge the truth?"
" Only if he ASKS me how old I am. My true age is right there in his files, any time he cares to look...or he could just ask and I'd tell him." Launchpad replied.
By the time this conversation was over, they had arrived at Cat Island. Launchpad landed the cargo plane near where he had landed the copter and with a little help from Donald, he loaded the copter aboard the Navy cargo plane.
Then, they went to the local pokey where the fisherfolk had locked up the Phantom Blot and Agent X/Ensign Plummer. But a local pokey is no match for an experienced super-villain, especially one of such LOOOOOONG duration as the Phantom Blot. The only thing that kept him locked up so long was that Agent X was angry at him for them getting captured and besides, Ensign Plummer FINALLY caught on to the fact that the Phantom Blot never had any intention of making him a general in his army of world domination. (DUH!)
Ensign Plummer kept messing up the Phantom Blot efforts to escape until PB pointed out that Plummer was thus keeping BOTH of them stuck in jail. So Launchpad and Donald walked into the local pokey just in time to witness PB and Plummer attempt a jail break.
Now, Donald got MAD when he saw the clowns who stole the invisible jet, locked up his Uncle Scrooge trying to escape, and threw himself at them, regardless of the consequences. Launchpad shrugged and did likewise. Launchpad may not enjoy hurting anybody (not even the bad guys), but he does enjoy a good fight. Must be the Irish in him. :) (6)
Soon, Donald was hitting them low, Launchpad was hitting them high, and it wasn't long before PB and Plummer were right back in jail again.
"We have to do something to prevent them from escaping again. If that cell didn't hold them before, it's not going to hold them now". Launchpad said.
"We could take them with us. There's a brig aboard "my" aircraft carrier- as I found out the hard way when I was awaiting a possible court-martial" (7)Donald said
"They'd have trouble escaping from an aircraft carrier in mid-sea, especially when all the aircraft are guarded by sailors." Donald stated.
"Good idea. We can probably talk the local law into handing them over to us, since they already almost escaped. And we need to ask them for the flight suit, anyway." Launchpad said.
So...Launchpad and Donald talked to the local sheriff, who looked at Donald's ID from the Navy, and a "note" from Admiral Grimmace that I forgot to mention the Admiral gave Donald and called Admiral Grimmace just to double-check.
"Cat Island has had enough trouble for awhile. I know you helped put these clowns behide bars in the first place and that the both of you just put them back there, but I have to be careful." he said.
So...Launchpad and Donald were given both the flight suit. (Ensign Plummer had been wearing all but the helmet and the helmet, luckily, had bobbed back up to the surface) Ensign Plummer and Phantom Blot were handed over to them so they could be taken to the brig until they could be put in a military prison.
Launchpad locked them up in one of the cargo holds...
"I suggest you behave yourselves. I know where the eject button is. If you try to escape, I'll press it...over the ocean." Launchpad said.
Since the hold they were locked in would float, he would, too...and they could see that. They decided to behave themselves and hope for a better chance to escape later on.
They got to back to the aircraft carrier without further incidence. First, the Phantom Blot and Ensign Plummer were locked in the brig. Then, they handed over the flight suit, helmet and all to the admiral.
Launchpad and Donald were surprised to see that the Admiral was talking to somebody when they were brought in to speak with him. Launchpad was doublely surprised to see that someone was Griz of Shush!
"Hello, Launchpad. Nice work you did, smashing that contract by smashing that stupid plane. Donald helped set it up, didn't he? It's OK. I just explained to the Admiral that you were acting on our orders and by wrecking the plane, you cancelled the Navy contract for those death-trap planes." Griz commented.
I figured you might need an "inside man" to accomplish the job, clever of you to use Donald, you knew you could trust him. You'll be getting a medal for your help, Seaman Donald. In front of your nephews, to boot." Griz said.
"Is Launchpad an Agent?" Admiral Grimmace whispered.
"You know I can't answer that question." Griz replied.
"Well, if he's a civilian and not in the government, I can't give him a medal." Admiral Grimmace said.
"True. But let me have a word with him. I know a proper reward to give him." Griz said.
"Launchpad, I know YOU have been secretly designing the planes and helicopter a certain inventor has been taking credit for...at YOUR insistent." Griz said.
"Don't bother to deny it. He's a very clever man, but knows bupkus about planes or rockets or helicopters. (8) I know, he invented some of the gizmos and gimcracks in YOUR planes and copters and helped with others...not to mention getting them thru the process of being patented and whatnot, which YOU didn't know how to do." Griz stated.
"I also know you tried to get Mr. McDuck to look at some of your designs and he all but laughed in your face...so you got sneaky. You took them to an certain inventor who SHOULD be no more important a figure that Dr. Sara Bellum, SHOULD have been demoted to a minor, supporting character who neither pops up too often nor plays too big a role...decades ago. Would have been, too, if he were a she." Griz continued.
"You showed your designs to him and he was VERY interested...the two of you formed a small mutual aid society. He takes credit for designing planes and helicopters, something he does NOT know how to do...YOU get to test fly them. He designs some of the gizmos in the planes...like the computer guidance stuff, which YOU can not do." Griz went on.
He sells them to Mr. McDuck, gets them patented...a process YOU don't know how to manage. You split the profits. Right? " Griz asked.
"Well...yes. How'd you find out?" Launchpad asked.
"He told us. He designs some stuff for the DIA and Shush." Griz replied.
"I asked him not to tell!" Launchpad groaned.
"You asked him not to tell Mr. McDuck. Because you knew, Mr. McDuck wouldn't believe it and you were annoyed at Mr. McDuck for not believing in you. Your feelings were hurt. Do I look like Mr. McDuck? I'm not so willing to take someone at face value." Griz said.
"You don't understand. I don't want Mr. McD to know because I'm afraid if he finds out I've been designing those planes and copters, he'll make me work INDOORS doing NOTHING but design planes and copters all day. I'd go nuts inside three days. I tried to tell Mr. McD because I want him to respect me. I had not thought of what might happen afterwards." Launchpad said.
"Oh. Well, if I get Admiral Grimmace to give you some surplus Navy plane parts to "play" with...would you accept such a reward?" Griz asked.
"Sure! And Shush can have first dibs at buying whatever I come up with, if you like." Launchpad said.
"I was going to insist on that before letting you have the parts! We'll let you keep the prototype so you can test fly it. I'm sure we'll buy the design." Griz laughed.
And so...Donald got a medal, in front of his nephews. It was not exactly "the distinguished silver service purple heart star with peanut clusters",(9) but since there is no such thing outside of Donald's imagination, it would do.
And Launchpad got a whole lot of surplus Navy planes parts, some of which he built the Thunderquack with.
The End.
(1) Anybody ELSE remember a big purple whatits named Grimmace that symbolized McDonalds?
(2) Griz of SHUSH.
(3)Under other circumstances, Launchpad would have been willing to shove the crates over. But NOT with Mr. McD in the copter! It is WAY too important to Launchpad to earn Mr. McD's respect for Launchpad to DESERVE being yelled at for the plane being smashed.
(4) I'm sorry, but hiring an incompetent pilot to save money when both you and your heirs use his services time and time again makes NO sense. As "She Who Stands For No Nonsense"- Judge Judy herself- says: "If something doesn't makes sense, it probably isn't true."
(5) This being about 2 years ago THEIR time, Launchpad is about 19 or 20 "now".
(6) That's me, smiling when I say that.
(7) "Double O Duck"
(8) Nothing will convince ME that Ugly Twerp knows anything more about planes, helicopters or rockets than Thomas A. Edison. That rocket he "built" so fast, in "Where no ducks was gone before" he bought from Flintheart Glomgold. UT got it cheap because it was a factory reject...and considering how defective Flintheart's stuff normally is, the factory rejects are deplorable. But since it was only to be used as a prop in a TV show and NOT supposed to have any fuel in it, UT figured that did not matter. Perhaps it should of occurred to him Flintheart would think it "funny" to make sure the rocket DID have fuel in it...and thus sent Mr. McD's nephews on a little joy ride...
(9) The fictional medal Donald got in the daydream he told HDL in "All Ducks on Deck"