Author's Note: I have no idea where this horrible concept sprang forth from. I was just in the shower, thinking to myself about how stupid reunion shows were, and then I realized, "Wait a minute. Reunion shows are stupid. Stupid? Blood Minus!" And here you go. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.
Blood Minus
Reunion Special
In a large studio room somewhere on the planet earth, lights suddenly snapped on, revealing a rather large crowd of characters seated in a long row of chairs and looking impatient and nervous (and some rather desperate to escape). But these weren't any ordinary characters, oh, no! They were the very (pitiful) characters from the fanfic Blood Minus, all gathered together once again for some insidious reason conceived by Dilly-Oh, their personal tormentor! Let's find out what it is!
David, who was wearing a smart black suit and tie and brandishing several colorful cue-cards, suddenly cleared his throat and crossed his legs, looking around at the crowd of characters, all whom fell silent and stared at him in confusion.
"Now everyone," he muttered under his breath. "Please shut up so we can get this bullshit over with and move on with our crappy lives."
Everyone nodded slowly.
David sighed with relief, cleared his throat again, and, smiling at the camera, began his greetings.
"Hello and welcome," David told them all with fake charm and enthusiasm. "Everyone, have a seat, and Kai, shut the hell up before I tear out your rectum and fashion it into my very own wallet."
Kai snapped his mouth closed and took his seat.
"Alright, we're going to begin this show by-"
"Wait a minute," Louis interrupted, "why do YOU get to host this reunion special? That is just racist, man."
"Cause I'm the author's favorite, that's why," David shot back, shuffling his cue cards smarmily. "Plus I'm the only one who fit in the suit." He gestured at the tight black suit he'd donned, which fit him like a glove (Seriously. Imagine a plastic glove stretched over a human body, and that's David's suit).
"Yeah, you and a SKELETON," Kai snorted from the back. David immediately whipped out a revolver and shot a stray split end from the tip of the stupid boy's hair.
"I'm in no mood for your bovine fecal matter tonight, Kai," he said dangerously, cocking the gun. "You'd better watch out. Oh, what's that? I think I see a zit on your cheek-"
"Okay, okay! I'm sorry!"
"Good." David stowed the firearm and began again. "This is the Blood Minus Reunion Special, where all the characters from the infamous Blood Minus fanfic come together to tell everyone how they've been, and what they've been up to since the fic finished. So, let's begin with the most important character from the show…me!"
"Hey!" Saya protested, then thought better of it and shut the heck up.
"Well," David began, "I'm sorry to say that nothing much has happened with me. I quit being a member of Red Shield to *bleep* Julia full time, but now we're broke with ten kids. I tried picking up George's man-whore business, but that was a bust…"
"Yeah, on account of no lady but Julia wantin' yo' skinny ass," Kai snickered.
David motioned for his gun, and Kai bolted underneath his chair and whimpered like a kicked puppy.
"I still got it!" David smiled smugly and glanced at the cards to see what to do next. "So, Saya, Haji," David looked up and smiled at the pair. "What have you guys been up to?"
"Oh, not much," Haji put in quickly. "We've mostly been spending time at home making MILLIONS OF BABIES-"
"We have NOT!" Saya growled, glaring at him. "I haven't even let you touch me!"
"…Not when you're sleeping." Haji muttered darkly.
"What?"
"What?"
"MOVING ON," David cut in, turning to face the others. He paused for a moment. "Kai, I'd ask you what you've been up to but I just really don't care. So-"
"Yeah, I love you too!" Kai hollered from the back. He'd been positioned as far as physically possible from David, due to contract specifications. "I'd ask for a hug but I wouldn't want to break you in half!"
"Hey!" Julia suddenly snapped from where she'd been lying in David's lap. "If he can handle making love to me, why shouldn't he be able to handle getting a hug from a twig-boy like you?"
"That's because I'm just too much WOMAN for him," Kai shot back. Julia stared at him.
"…Do you even realize what you just-"
"Yeah, I said it! Whatcha gonna do about it, bitch?!"
"…Can I go home now?" Saya complained loudly. "I haven't eaten anything in, like, ten minutes. Five more minutes of this and I might try and see how this chair tastes. That or cannibalism."
"She's tried it, believe me!" Haji shrieked, standing and starting to yank his shirt up. "I've got the scars to prove it! …Wanna see?"
"NO!!!" Everyone chorused. "SIT DOWN!"
Haji sat down.
"Honey?" David looked down at Julia where she still lounged in his lap. "Wanna tell everyone how you've been?"
"Oh, fine," Julia huffed, sitting up in her own seat. "I'm in the adult industry. I'm sure this surprises everyone."
There was a silence.
"…Not really," Saya stated. Julia shot her a glare. "I mean…maybe a little."
"Louis," David stated, moving on. "Talk."
Louis blinked.
"…About what?"
"ANYTHING!"
"Okay, sheesh. Well…as y'all can see," Louis said, standing up and rotating for everyone's viewing pleasure, "I've slimmed down a bit." Indeed, he had. The once sexily-plump black man had lost a few dozen pounds and his paunch was noticeably less prominent.
"NOOOOOOO!!" Moa suddenly screeched from the back. "You're ruined! Where'd all your love-cushion go?!"
"Shh, shh, it's okay." Okamura quickly leaned over and pulled her close, stroking her head. "We'll get through this, calm down. Shh…"
"So how'd you do it?" David went on after a strange look directed at Mao.
"Erm…" Louis shrugged. "Subway."
"Mo' like liposuction-way," Kai chortled. Louis stared at him.
"Good God, even your INSULTS have gotten lamer." He shook his head and sat back down. "You poor bastard."
"Don't pity me!" Kai shot at him, then turned away to hide his tears. "I won't cry, I'm good, be strong, Kai!"
"Go on," David continued over the sounds of Kai's quiet sobs. "Tell us what else you've been doing."
"Not much." Louis shrugged again. "I work in the same industry as Julia."
"Excuse me?" David looked up, eyes narrowing. "…Explain."
"Well, let's just say…I work very close with her."
"…What do you mean?"
"I'm her pimp."
"Oh it is ON-"
"Enough! We don't have time for this!" Riku suddenly interrupted, surprising everyone (what with his being alive and all). "Mao! Okamura! Hurry and say something that is only mildly stupid!"
"Uh…I take naked pictures of Mao and sell them to old, perverted men!" Okamura blurted out. "…Who are mostly me."
"…I said 'mildly'," Riku repeated. Okamura shrugged.
"Hey, I tried."
"Yes, you did." Mao patted his shoulder. "Good job, honey! You get sex tonight!"
"Whee!" Okamura clapped his hands together with glee.
"Okay, why is everyone now into porno?" Saya growled, eyeing the chair and wondering how it would taste with hot sauce.
"It pays well," Mao, Julia, and Louis all answered together. Saya rolled her eyes.
"So does killing people," she muttered under her breath. Haji inched his chair away from hers just in case.
"Alrighty," Riku sighed and looked at Joel, who sat beside him. "This just leaves you and me. Let's do it, Wheels."
"Got it, Evil Genius," Joel retorted. "If you all must know," he addressed everyone else, "I've started a wheel-chair only kick-up line, paralysis below the waist is mandatory, and you have to bring your own string."
"Really? What are they called?" Louis asked with interest.
"…Bring Your Own String," Joel stated after a moment. Everyone held back a snicker. "You'd be surprised at how popular we are, though. We even had a show for the President, among others."
"Once again, we're not surprised," Saya muttered, now eyeing Haji and wondering what he'd taste like with hot sauce. Haji dragged his chair a few more inches away from her.
"As for me," Riku went on, satisfied that Joel had said his piece, "I've taken over the red planet of Mars and it's going rather well there. The terra-forming project is almost over, and the native aliens are on the brink of submitting to my evil will and bequeathing me their servitude for the rest of their miserable lives. Plus their firstborn."
The room was completely silent as everyone started at Riku.
"…Is that it? Can we go now?" He asked innocently. Everyone looked at David, hope shining in their eyes.
"Nnnnno, you can't," David broke it to them un-gently. "I still have to tell you what all the minor characters have been up to since then."
Everyone groaned like octogenarians trying to defecate.
"Oh, just shut up and listen." David rolled his eyes and began. "George, the lucky asshole, couldn't be here today because he was too busy with his harem of love-kittens in Las Vegas where his booming man-whore business has taken root." He held up a card of George, naked and happily waving with a fluffy pink boa wrapped around his neck. "Kaori also could not make it due to a certain restraining order taken out by someone here." He stared meaningfully at Riku, who smiled back sweetly. "It seems she's flown the country, due to being placed in the Number 1 slot of the FBI's Most Wanted list. If anyone sees her, please call this number."
A photo of Kaori appeared on the screen, an emergency contact number flashing below it. David went on.
"Gray, the crack-making old man who lent us his house has been doing VERY well with his drug empire. Observe." David showed the others a picture of Gray in sunglasses and a suit made entirely out of hundred-dollar bills. Monique was lounging in the background, submerged in a bathtub full of diamonds. "He reportedly sold Javier and Nahabi, the two urine-sacks, to the circus. They're the main attraction now. 'Come see the amazing piss-kids! Their aim is accurate up to twenty feet!' Made him quite a bundle, those two."
"I wanna go see-" Haji began.
"NO." Saya gave him a look as David continued.
"You probably won't be surprised to hear that Min is in jail for life." No-one was. "Apparently she murdered several students at the All-Girl's School of Rap and Hip-Hop and hid their bodies in the ceiling. Also, she was trying to sew their skins together to make a suit of some sort…"
"Oh God…" Saya shuddered, hugging herself as she remembered the nightmare that was Min. She still checked under her bed every night to make sure she wasn't there. Haji was, but that was normal.
"What about the teacher?" Haji (speak of the devil) piped up. "Miss Bitchy?"
"Ah, Miss Lee, you mean." David flipped through his cards and found the right one. "She's doing good. Reportedly, she found her calling as a female rapper and is now on tour with Lil' Wayne. Check it out." He held up the card, which displayed a picture of Miss Lee rapping onstage in nothing but her granny-panties and conical bra. Everyone recoiled in horror.
"DAMN, she is fiiiiine!" Everyone slowly turned their heads to stare at Kai. "Well she IS!"
"Kai," David said quietly, "you've just lost your talking privileges. One more outburst like that, and you'll lose your LIVING privileges as well."
Kai didn't say anything, just flipped David the bird.
"You wanna lose your finger privileges as well?"
Kai lowered the finger.
"Alright!" David turned back to the others, a smile plastered on his thin face. "Time to move onto another lovable group from the show and find out how they're doing. You may remember them as the albino blood-seeking spawn of Diva's blood, but we just call them…the Schiff! Welcome!"
Everyone clapped unenthusiastically (Kai wisely kept him mouth shut and simply mouthed the word 'booooo!') as the Schiff all filed into the small room and took up an empty row of seats.
"I always just thought they were all emo," Louis stated bluntly.
"Hey! We are NOT emo!" Karman snapped, glaring. "Well…Moses is, but I'm way cooler than that!"
"So, anything new?" David asked them. The Schiff shrugged.
"…We're a band now," Karman stated. "I'm the drummer. My psychiatrist says it helps cool my inner hell-fire. I haven't had a violent outburst since the show! Gotta stay clean!"
"I play the keyboard!" Lulu piped up, creepy eyes as wide as ever. "Mostly because people can't see me that way. Too short." She held up her arms and mimed playing the keyboard for example.
"We've got this gig, see," Moses explained. "Playing at award ceremonies, graduations, kid's birthday parties. Pretty awesome shit."
"What's your name?" Kai couldn't help but snicker. "*Bleep*ed-Up Eyes?"
"I'm so never sleeping with you, Kai," Irene said loudly. You could almost SEE Kai's heart shattering to pieces.
"Alright, I think that's enough," David interrupted, putting his video camera away and straightening his tie. "Is there anything else for us to cover? Is there- oh, hell. I just remembered." He turned to Saya and met her eyes. "Saya, you know your horribly evil twin sister who tried to kill you and turn every human on the face of the earth into a blood-thirsty, carnivorous chiropteran?"
"…No?" Saya said hopefully.
"We've got her backstage."
"Oh Lord."
"He can't help you now." David patted her hand, then called over his shoulder. "Okay, bitch, come on out!!"
One by one, the devious villains of Blood Minus waltzed out, Diva first, followed by her loyal (and all quite effeminate, admit it) chevalier. They all took up empty seats opposite the good crew and glared daggers at one another.
"What's up, Riku?" Diva tittered, leaning close and batting her eyes. "You have nothing to say to me?"
"No, not really," Riku replied innocently, "except that you're a BAD LAY."
"OOOOOooooh!" Everyone chorused.
"Why you little son of a-" Diva stood up, brandished her chair, and rushed at Riku before being restrained by security.
David had been staring at Amshel's face for several long moments before finally busting out, "Did you DRAW another eyelash on your face with permanent marker?"
"Well yes," Amshel replied coldly, turning to stare menacingly at Haji, "because some asshole tore off my first one."
"You're welcome."
"Why you little son of a-" Amshel was also tackled by security and subdued.
"Hey, wait," Saya stated, running a keen eye over Diva and her entourage. "Aren't there a few missing? Where's the gay guy? And that French bastard? And David's dad?"
"Ah, you mean Nathan, Van Argeno, and Dr. Collins?" David sat back and crossed his legs. "Reports show they've joined forces to form the next Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Apparently if the victims – I mean…well, yes, I actually do mean victims, don't like the make-over…they get killed."
"Where can I sign up?" Kai asked loudly from the back.
"Oh, I've already done it for you," David said, smiling sweetly. "Filled out the application and everything. Have fun."
"Horray! I am gonna be SO hot!" Kai cheered as David chuckled evilly, his sinister plan coming to fruition.
"Everyone shut and listen to me!" Diva barked, stomping her feet and getting everyone's attention. "It is MY turn to talk about ME!" She paused to make sure everyone was listening, then continued. "I'm doing really good on my own – no outright murders or anything!" She beamed with pride. "Plus my group therapy with other homicidal maniacs like Dilandau Albatou (Escaflowne) and Alucard (Hellsing) just made a break-through!"
"So…what do you actually DO?" David asked, morbidly curious. Everyone leaned forward, eager to hear. Diva smiled.
"Euthanasia."
No-one was surprised.
"So…you kill people?"
"No, I do not! I help them die! It's completely different!" Diva paused. "Okay, not really, what with most of them fighting and screaming and all that, but I think I'm doing very well, thank you!" And she sat down and pouted, ignoring everyone's disturbed stares.
"I'm in the same business of helping people." Karl began. "I'm a counselor for young and confused children-"
"What, confused about their gender?" Someone snickered from the back.
"Who the *bleep* said that?" Karl stood up and cast a baleful glare over the small crowd of characters. "Come on, own up, you son of a bitch!"
Louis slowly rose from the crowd, leisurely cracking his knuckles and loading his bazooka.
"All is forgiven." Karl quickly sat back down and said no more.
"Is it because I'm bla-"
"Partly, yes," David sighed, then jabbed a finger at James. "I'm sure you can relate. Start talking, homie."
"I'm not your homie, cracker," James snorted. "And it's Lil' J-"
"Oh Lord not this again…" Everyone muttered.
"Y'all be haters!" James snapped at them, tipping his base-ball cap to the side. "I is the hot shit right up in this ma, y'all heard? I'm back in the biz, cuttin' albums with the biggies and makin' sizzling tracks. Can I get a whut, whut?"
"…What?" Everyone asked together.
"Peace out."
"No, seriously, what the hell did you just-"
"Word up, nig-"
"YOU STILL CAN'T SAY THAT!!!!" Everyone shrieked, cutting him off. James muttered something about racist mother-*bleep*ers but otherwise fell silent. Everyone looked to Amshel, who blinked in surprise and put his coloring book away.
"Er," he coughed, flushing bashfully, "I'm doing…good. You may or may not have seen me…I was recently on a Mayballene commercial for-"
"Wait, wait, let me guess," Haji interrupted, holding up a hand. "Mascara."
"…No, lip-gloss, actually-"
"Oh my gosh this reunion show is so freaking retarded…" Saya started to sob quietly while Haji consoled her, and by console I mean feel her up. As she slapped his hands away, David and everyone else in the room slowly turned their Medusa-gaze on the last member of the group who hadn't spoken yet.
Solomon.
"Make it quick," David warned, pulling out his gun. Everyone followed suit, pulling out their weapons and glaring. Solomon gulped and fidgeted in his seat.
"I've given up being evil partners with Riku," he began slowly, gesturing toward the evil boy genius. "Mostly because he fired me on account of incurable stupidity. But at least I still have my Saya-clone, and together we've moved to a new location to start our family." He paused and looked at Saya, smiling mischievously. "Would you like to know where?"
"Don't you da-"
"To the Gumdrop Forest and Candy-Cane Mountain where we will live together forever with the peaceful powder pixies!"
"I'M GONNA KILL HIM!!!" Saya shrieked, standing up in her chair and unsheathing her blade. She paused and looked down at Haji, surprised to find him sitting back in his seat, completely relaxed. "I…I mean it, I really am gonna kill him this time."
"Whatever floats your boat, baby," Haji stated, prepping his camcorder. "Make sure to get all nice and sweaty and naked, will you?"
"You're next."
"Will you hold the camera for me when the time comes?" Haji asked Kai.
"Fine, but you owe me."
"Come on, let's take your huge titties and go home," David was saying to Julia as they both got up to leave. "I'll show you I'm a damn good man-whore."
"I'll give you a dollar for effort," Julia comforted, patting his chest.
"See you at work on Monday!" Louis called over, waving.
"Hello, Geoffrey?" Riku asked, speaking into a slim black cell phone. "Take the UFO out back, I'm ready to head home to Mars."
"Carry me, lover, I'm too lazy to walk." Mao flopped over on her chair and Okamura glared at her.
"Fine." He grabbed her by the ankle and began dragging her toward the exit.
"…We can probably get a couple bucks for these," Moses muttered thoughtfully, then grabbed a chair and zoomed out the window. The other Schiff also snatched up chairs and followed suit.
"Oh, sweet, if we leave now I can just make my next euthanasia appointment." Diva stood up, grinning cheerfully. "I'm the new, sexier Dr. Kavorkian!"
"…Does my fake eyelash really look THAT bad, guys?" Amshel asked dismally.
"Naw, dawg, it looks tight," James soothed. "But maybe next time you shouldn't use a pink marker, ya dig?"
Everyone slowly exited the small studio, muttering and mumbling to themselves and all trying their hardest to ignore Saya's screams of fury as she attacked Solomon.
The End!!
Disclaimer: I don't own Blood +.
Author's Note: Okay, this is the last one, for reals. I hope everyone enjoyed getting a final peek at the lovable Blood Plus characters once again, even if it has been quite a while. They will be put to rest after this, so say goodbye.
I also wanted to ask all my viewers (that is, if you're all still out there) about another series I am considering parodying. One of the reasons I haven't done anything in a long time is because I'm having trouble finding another good anime to parody (I've tried quite a few, but no funny juice flowing, no giggles, nothing), but recently I watched the first episode of Gundam 00, and for some odd reason, I could NOT turn the funny off. I barely got to watch the first episode, I was giggling to myself so much and making fun of everything. I have no idea why, either! I just couldn't stop!
But I'm worried about parodying the series because it doesn't seem to be very popular on fanfiction. I know I'd enjoy it more if more people got to read and enjoy it. I'm still blown away with the success of Blood Minus, and I'm scared if I parody Gundam 00, no-one will read it. What do you all think? It'd be enough for me if you all still want to read what I have to write, at least I'd still have a few loyal fans to review and laugh at my lame jokes. I just don't know if I want to be committed to another fic, I'm still a bit busy at school and all…hmm….
Thanks for listening to my thoughts, and I hope you liked this reunion special! Later!