DISCLAIMER: Own nothing.
The song is "Say Goodbye" by Skillet. I would recomend downloading the song and listening to it while reading cause you may not get the full impact of the words if you're not listening to it...little bit drabbly because I was in a mood :) Enjoy
Things are changing, It seems strange and, I need to figure this out
Sam sat on the secluded park bench and stared into nothing. He'd had his nineteenth birthday last week, and things had become more complicated…if that could even be possible. He didn't think that there could be anything more complicated than being in love with your older brother…he'd been wrong.
He had just graduated, a little late, but what else could have been expected with all the constant moving that his messed up family did. Even with how good his grades were, Sam had often fell behind because their father had kept them on the road for such long gaps at a time that he would fall three to six months behind at any given time.
There was a hole that had been growing bigger in his chest ever since graduation…He was never able to tell what was causing it. That was until he saw a group of kids walking and laughing as they made their way to the crowded shopping mall across the park. Now that school was done there would be nothing normal in his own life.
His future career…not normal. His father's obsession…not normal. The credit card scams and the hustling…not normal. His lover brother…not normal. School had been his life line preventing him from accepting the truth about his life…He was not normal.
He felt a firm but gentle hand come to rest on the back of his neck and slowly it began to caress the tension that was growing.
You've got your life, I've got mine, But you're all I cared about
He leaned forward to escape the prodding hand. Dean was the one thing that was keeping him from making his decision, and he knew it too. That was why he kept pushing, always keeping Sam a little closer than usual because somehow Dean knew exactly what Sam was thinking of doing.
How could he really understand? Dean had practically quit school the minute the decision was his, always wanting to follow their father and do anything and everything to make the big man proud of him. The good little soldier, that's what Dean always was. No matter how good of grades Sam got, their father was always more proud of Dean for hitting a target on the first shot.
Normal parents would be happy that their child was a grade A student, not disappointed that they couldn't remember the exact way to clean their 9mm handgun. Still…
No matter how little their father praised him, Dean had always been proud of Sam when he raced home to tell him that he had gotten 100 percent on a history test that he hadn't had time to even study for. Even if he did call Sam a dork or nerd or geek, the smile that he always had plastered on his face when he used the endearment turned Sam's legs to jelly.
But Dean wasn't smiling now.
Yesterday we were laughing, Today I'm left here asking, Where has all the time gone now
With the acceptance letter clutched in his fist, Sam tried to hide the guilt that he could feel bubbling up. Telling Dean that he had applied for Stanford had been one of the hardest things he had had to do. That was until now.
Standing infront of Dean now, with the hurt and realization on his face that Sam was actually going to leave almost made Sam tear the letter up. But he knew that he couldn't stay with his family…if he did, he was afraid that he would lose himself. He had already began to, if he wasn't on a hunt for more than three days he was beginning to have an itch…the same itch that he had always heard Dean talk about.
He had already read every book in English, Latin and Hebrew that their father owned. Although that seemed to please him, it only made Sam panic more, because he had enjoyed every single second of it. Oh, he had tried to blame it on the lack of learning that he had been having the past couple of months, but the truth was that he was getting sucked into a life he had no intention of being a part of.
Time seemed to skip past him. During the day Dean would cast him subtle and suggestive glances, and at night Dean bathed him in attention and affection…another uncharacteristic action of Dean. He knew what he was going to do was going to hurt Dean, but did Dean know how much leaving was going to do to him? Did he even care? Or was this new side of Dean solely for selfish purposes?
I'm left alone somehow, Growing up and getting older, I don't want to believe it's over
He could vividly remember the night that he had asked Dean to come with him. Just to get a normal job and live a normal life with him. They could stay together and be happy, he had told Dean that their dad would be fine without them…he always was. Dean had freaked.
He didn't want normal and he didn't want to leave their dad alone. Sam had accused Dean of loving their father more than him. It was a cheap shot, but Sam hadn't cared…only wanting to lash out at the one person that said he understood him and then turned around and tried to change him. In time Sam had come to realize that slowly Dean had always had an agenda of molding his little brother, almost as if he was trying to perfect the mold of himself that he had taken from their father.
Dean had always wanted him to fall in line, and Sam had always wanted to please Dean. Sam had Dean wrapped around his finger, but in turn Dean could ask anything of Sam and he'd comply.
And that was why Sam needed to leave. When he had asked Dean to leave with him, he had known the answer before it had come out, and it was the answer that he was looking for. As much as he didn't want it, Dean and he could no longer carry on the way that they were. In his head he knew that it was wrong, sick and not to mention illegal…but his heart had always told him different. In his heart he knew that there would be no one that compared to Dean, but that didn't mean that he had to accept it.
So he would try to change. To forget.
Don't say goodbye, Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight, Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I
In the darkness of the night Dean ran his hand up his brother's torso, starting at his hip and moving slowly up to his shoulder. He pushed Sam gently into the mattress and wished for nothing more then the night to last forever. He leaned in and gently placed a kiss on his brother's lips. Sam's hand that had been resting on Dean's hip slid to rub up and down his spine.
Dean pressed his cheek up against Sam's, enjoying the feel of Sam's hands on him. Whispered words of I love you were all that Dean could choke out. Sam started to say something but Dean once again covered his mouth with his own, not trusting, and more importantly not wanting to hear, what apologetic words might escape his lips.
He had known when Sam had showed him the letter that there was nothing he could do to convince Sam to stay. But he had tried, and he had tried damn hard. And, yes, it was for purely selfish reasons that he had wanted to keep his younger brother with him. Sam was Dean's light in his world of darkness, and without him around Dean was terrified that he was going to drown in the evil that surrounded him everyday. Because at night he had Sam.
And although we knew, This time would come for me and you
Dean was propped up on the headboard with his arms crossed as he watched Sam struggle with his own inner demons. There was no pleasure in his eyes when he had lashed out at Dean. In truth, Dean had seen the storm coming for months. They had avoided the subject for so long that Sam finally snapped.
He was sitting on the foot of the bed with his head in his hands. Dean wanted to crawl across the bed and wrap his arms around his younger brother, but he knew better now. In the past months as he tried desperately to change Sam's mind he had come to see how torn it was making him. Sam wasn't going to change his mind and everytime that Dean tried to sway him with gentle touches and more affection it only caused Sam more pain.
Don't say anything tonight, If you're gonna say goodbye
Dean practically ran out of the room when he caught Sam packing. Sam yelled after him, but he didn't stop. He didn't want to be around when Sam, his Sammy, left him. He didn't want to hear the words of regret or apology and he definitely did not want to hear one of Sam's weepy goodbyes. If had had meant anything he had said in the past he wouldn't have been leaving at all.
He ran out the back door and let it slam, hard, on the way out. He grabbed his keys and was in the Impala and peeling out of the driveway in seconds. He was unsure of how long he drove for, but when he got home it was dark.
He tried to sneak into the house unnoticed, but Sam cornered him in the darkness of the kitchen. Angry words of coward and liar and selfish were tossed hastily between them. They ended up on the floor in the moonlight, with Dean's hand over Sam's mouth to prevent the screams of pleasure that their father would be sure to hear.
Do you remember, In December, How we swore we'd never change
He hadn't meant the words he had shouted, he had been annoyed and worried for hours after Dean stormed out of the house. Not even knowing whether his brother would be back before he left.
But Dean always came back, no matter how angry or frustrated or hurt Sam made him feel. Dean would always come back and Sam would always welcome him back. It was typical of their messed up relationship, it would normally start out as a fight and end up with Sam writhing beneath Dean.
Even though you're leaving, That our feelings, Would always stay the same
Afterwards Dean would always whisper promises.
He promised that he would always protect his Sammy.
He promised that he would always love his Sammy.
That he would never hurt his Sammy.
That he would never leave.
But Sam never whispered those promises back, knowing that he would break all but one of them. He would always love Dean, and nothing would change that.
I wish we could be laughing, Instead I'm standing here asking, Do we have to end this now, Can we make it last somehow
Sam could practically feel Dean grasping at anything that could make him change his mind. He was getting desperate, Sam could feel it in his touch and could hear it in his strangled voice. And when he knew that he wasn't going to get through to Sam, he lashed out. Classic Dean.
But Sam felt like an ass for not even trying to explain it to him, when Dean was actually trying so hard to explain it to Sam.
We both know what we've gotta say not today, Cause I don't wanna leave this way
He knew that he had to stop touching Dean, but Sam didn't want the angry words that they had spoken to stay between them. And the only way that he knew how to tell Dean exactly what he was feeling was to show him.
So he didn't say anything their last night together, even if he could have found the words he knew that Dean would not have allowed him to say them. And when he left, he lost a piece of himself that he knew he would never get back. Because on some sick level, his reasons for leaving no longer made any sense to him. Why was he running from something he so obviously wanted?
But he did run…and standing in front of Stanford on his first day of classes felt good. He was back to doing the things that he knew, the things that were normal and nothing attacked you in the middle of the night. He was going to be okay.
And if it's over, It hurts but I'm giving you my word, I hope that you're always, Happy like we were, Happy like we were
Seven months had gone by since Dean had seen Sam. He had promised himself that once Sam had left, he wasn't going to check up on him. Sam was no longer his responsibility, he didn't need his older brother's protection…yet here he was, sitting in the Impala and watching Sam cross the park towards the entrance of the University. He didn't think that he would ever experience anything more painful than watching his brother practically walk out of his life…he'd been wrong.
When he watched Sam passionately embrace a blonde female that had ran towards him…his heart was ripped from his chest.
He saw Sam take the girls hand as they walked towards the entrance. He wiped his face clear of the tears that he hadn't noticed were falling and smiled as he gunned the engine and pulled out into traffic. His Sammy finally had normal.