Ayame

When you walked away from me, I tried to forget everything about you. The way it felt when I touched you, the way your lips felt on mine, the way our kisses seemed to last forever but it didn't work.

I threw away the memories of our time together, just like you did or maybe you never kept them, so what is there to throw away? The memories of our first hug, our first kiss, our first time became nothing but painful reminders of what was never mine.

Your tokens of what I thought was "love" ceased to hold any true meaning for me and now I wonder if they ever held any significance for you. Your whispered little nothings of love, while in lust, have disappeared into thin air. I can't believe I was naïve enough to think they could have any true meaning. I never could quite understand why it was only when you took me that you said those words. Now I do, the love you declared wasn't for me it was for the pleasure your body took from mine. I guess the frequency in which you said them made me think they were real. I remember you saying them at least three times a day. Why just trying to decipher the message in your eyes when they landed on me seemed to take up most of my day, I thouught your eyes told me that you loved me but what they were really communicating wasn't love it was heat. Pure and unadulterated. How I wish that could be enough for me. But it isn't and you will never know how hurt I felt and still feel after realizing that.

I tried to forget about giving you my heart countless times but the endless displays of my stupidity keep popping in unbidden. I tried and tried and tried again to forget about all the things you did when they brought HER in and the pain they caused me but it was as if my mind was trying to punish me for letting that happen.

Even after leaving you behind and putting distance between us the littlest things will remind me of our short time together. Not even ten minutes ago I saw a villager tending to irises and I couldn't help but remember when I couldn't find one for my hair and you spent the better part of a day looking for one that was good enough for me. Of all the things that remind me of you the one that hurt the most, the one that reminds me of the promise that I now wish you had never honored, was seeing a lunar rainbow. Thanks to you I will be never be able to witness such beauty again without feeling desolate.

I can't believe how much time I've lost trying not to remember. I thought that after a month of traveling I'd reach my destination and sadly I'm only half way there. But who cares, I have no obligations at least not anymore. I left my pack under your care and I know you don't care enough to follow me especially since Kagome's probably still there.

I hope you can find happiness with the one you love and that you never know the pain I knew the last time we talked. The time when you were so preoccupied with the well being of the woman you love that you weren't able to listen to and console your mate for the loss of life within her.

Yes, I was pregnant. And now I'll never be able to hold a little one in my arms or soothe a hurt away or experience the joy of seeing my own flesh and blood grow up. All because I was trying to protect the one you love. While I have faith that, eventually, my love will fade away or at least the pain, I will never forget that day because you ripped my heart out of my chest and after torturing it put it right back shredded to pieces and so damaged that I wish you hadn't thought to give it back.

Flashback

'Kouga, I n-need to tell you something.' She said quietly as he was about to leave the den.

'What is it now, Ayame?' He yelled, exasperated.

' I-I have to te-tell y-you something important about the fight.' She saw him tense at the mention of that day.

' Can't it wait? I have to get back to the healers den.' He said once again trying to exit the den but being stopped by her hold on his arm.

'No, Kouga. It can't. I have to tell you that I was hurt too.' He wrenched away from her and looked up suddenly and she saw the spark of anger that flared in his eyes.

'Fine, go ahead. What are you going to tell me that you were to weak to protect anyone? That whatever injuries you received are more important than the ones that Kagome did? Are you going to tell me that you deserved them for not being able to protect her from harm?' He said looking straight at her.

…………..Silence……………

'Are you, Ayame? Isn't that what you wanted to tell me? Because until you tell me that there is nothing to talk about. ' He said after pinning her up against the wall.