DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TOUHOU PROJECT!
"OMG, LYK, WHAT ARE WE, LYK, DOING HERE?" Marisa asked Alice, talking in a valley-girl voice.
"Oh, SHUT UP, MARISA!" Alice groaned, annoyed by the way Marisa was talking.
"BUT, LYK, MY NAME IS BECKY!" Marisa protested.
"Whatever, Marisa. Or Becky. We're here to see Patchouli, remember?" Alice reminded her.
Marisa dropped the valley-girl act. "OH YEAH! Now I remember! You were going to ask her a question, and I was going to take home a few books. She still owes me a couple."
"We're almost there, too. Hey, I wonder if that idiot-I MEAN-that gate guard is on duty," Alice said to Marisa.
"Well, duh. Remilia and Sakuya are too LAZY to hire a new gate-guard. I mean, all China does is sleep, right?" Marisa replied.
"I know, right? She's such a dork."
"Hey, we're here now! Hey...wait a second...is that Reimu? Talking to Sakuya? And Patchouli is OUTSIDE? OMG, LYK, I TOTALLY THOUGHT SHE WAS, LYK, A SHUT IN AND ALL!" Marisa observed. She clutched her broom tightly. For some odd reason, they had decided to walk to the Scarlet Devil Mansion.
"Okay, you can stop it with the valley-girl, Marisa," Alice told the blond-haired girl.
Marisa ignored her. "What are they talking about? Are they talking about how stupid China is? Or are they talking about that one fairy...damn, what's her name again?" Marisa asked Alice.
"You mean Cirno?"
"YEAH! That's the idiot! Anyway, I bet they're talking about her or China."
"Why don't we stop wondering and-oh," Alice stopped talking. Marisa had already run ahead and was now talking to Sakuya, Patchouli, and Reimu.
Alice approached them and the first thing that she noticed was that Reimu had one arm around Marisa's shoulders. Like they were lovers or something. And then she noticed that they were both talking like valley-girls.
"OMG, LYK, HI LAURA AND KELLY!" Marisa called, doing a valley-girl voice.
"HI BECKY!" Sakuya and Reimu said at the same time.
"OMG, LYK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, LAURA?" Marisa asked Reimu, wrapping her arm around Reimu's shoulders.
"LYK, JUST TALKING TO KEEEELLLLLLYYYYY!"
"YEEEAAAAHHHH!" Sakuya, or "Kelly", agreed.
"Hey, hold on a second. What is Patchouli doing outside?" Marisa asked the group. Alice and Patchouli were both spectating the conversation from a distance. For safety precautions.
"I honestly don't know," Reimu replied.
"Me neither," Sakuya agreed.
Patchouli leaned over to Alice's ear. "They're idiots," Patchouli whispered into Alice's ear.
"I agree," Alice whispered back. They continued watching the conversation.
"So, I made these little chocolate cake thingies. Wanna try one?" Sakuya offered to Reimu and Marisa.
"HELL YEAH! Let's DO this THANG!" Marisa cheered, and the three girls ran inside.
"Uh-oh," Patchouli said. "Better follow them inside," she decided. Alice followed Patchouli back into the mansion and into the kitchen, where Sakuya, Marisa, Reimu, Flandre, and Koakuma were.
"DAMN IT!" Flandre suddenly exclaimed, jumping away from the stove. "MY FUCKING HAND JUST GOT BURNT! KOAKUMA, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" Flandre cried, holding her burnt hand.
"I'm sorry, Flandre!" Koakuma replied. "I didn't mean to close your whole entire hand in the oven."
"What the hell are you guys doing in the kitchen?" Sakuya asked, getting three plates down from a cabinet and opening up a fridge, pulling out three chocolate cake thingies.
"Oh, you know. Flandre decided that it would be good for her to 'experiment in the kitchen', so of course, I followed her to make sure she didn't do something stupid," Koakuma answered, smiling stupidly.
"Why are we following them?" Alice whispered to Patchouli.
"Dunno. We just are. This is very entertaining. We need popcorn," Patchouli replied in a whisper. "I'll ask Sakuya for some. HEY, CHEIF-PAD! WE NEED SOME POPCORN OVER HERE!" Patchouli yelled.
"OKAY, LYK, GIRLS, WE HAVE SOME POPCORN TO MAKE!" Sakuya said excitedly, and then the girls ran all over the kitchen, looking for corn kernels and butter.
"I NEED, SOME, LYK, HELP OVER HERE! I FOUND THE KERNELS!" Flandre called from the other side of the kitchen. I mean, it was so obvious. If they were smart and read the labels, they could've found the kernels VERY easily. But...you know...they're kind of special...
"OMG, LYK, GREAT JOB, CHELSEA!" Marisa, or Becky, called from the other side of the room. She ran across the room, making sure she knocked EVERYTHING off of the counter. Food went EVERYWHERE, and the floor was literally covered in french fries.
"CHELSEA CAN READ?" Koakuma called from the other side of the room.
Everyone ran over to Chelsea and ripped the jar of kernels out of her small hands.
"HEY, LYK, GIVE THEM BAAACCCKKKK!" Flandre whined.
All the girls ignored her.
"How many of them are involved in this?" Alice asked Patchouli in a whisper.
"I honestly don't know. They do this every day at about this time. I'm not sure if Remi is involv-"
"OMG, LYK, WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING IN HERRRRRRREEEE?" A voice suddenly called from the doorway of the kitchen.
"OH, HEY BRITTNEY! DO YOU WANNA, LYK, HELP US MAKE POPCORN FOR, LYK, LIZZY?" Reimu asked Remilia.
"OMG, LYK, SURRRRRRRE! GIVE ME THE BUTTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR please."
"OKAY, LYK, HERE'S THE BUTTERRRRRRR!" Sakuya replied, handing over the butterrrrrrr to Remilia.
"Does everyone have a nickname?" Alice asked Patchouli.
"Apparently. Yesterday I heard them talking about someone named Missy. I'm pretty sure they were talking about Yukari," Patchouli replied. "ARE YOU, LYK, DONE WITH THE POPCORN YEEEEET?" Patchouli asked them in a valley girl voice.
"YEEEAAAAAH!" Koakuma answered, shoving a huge bowl of popcorn each into Alice and Patchouli's hands.
"OMG, LYK, THANK YOU, LEXI!" Patchouli replied and then started wolfing down popcorn.
Once they got started eating popcorn, they couldn't stop. Soon the kitchen was messy and stuff from all their cooking and mess-making. There were eggshells on the floor, flour on the walls, butterrrrrrr on the counters...it was a disaster!
"OMG, LYK, GIVE IT BAAAAAACK!" Flandre whined, ripping the whisk out of Remilia's hands.
"OMG, LYK, DO YOU WANNA GO, CHELSEA? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO MESS WITH ME?" Remilia responded.
"HELL YES!" Flandre responded defiantly, raising up one shirt sleeve to expose her upper arm.
"Things are about to get interesting," Patchouli told Alice.
Remilia launched herself at Flandre, drawing Gungnir and trying to stab Flandre with it. Flandre retaliated with Laevateinn, sending Remilia to the other side of the room.
Soon, Reimu, Sakuya, Koakuma, and Marisa had joined Patchouli and Alice on the sidelines. Everyone was watching Flandre and Remilia fighting.
Until Meiling came in.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY GIRLS!" Meiling called from the door. "IT'S, LYK, TOTALLY RAINING OUTSIDE!"
Remilia and Flandre stopped fighting. "OMG, LYK, HEY MEGAN!" Remilia and Flandre called from the kitchen. Meiling walked into the kitchen and sat down on the butterrrrrrr-coated counter. "OMG, LYK, WE SHOULD TOTAALLY HAVE SOME BEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!" Meiling suggested.
"OKAY, LYK, TOTALLY!" Sakuya agreed, and the two ran to the fridge and got out a huge keg of beer. Every girl in the room (except for Patchouli and Alice, of course) was drunk after a while.
-12:00 AM-
"P-Patchouli?" Alice asked the mage, who was now sitting in her library, reading. "I have a question."
Patchouli looked up from her book to show Alice that she was listening.
"Um...how do you feel about Marisa?" Alice asked her.
Patchouli sighed. "Now that, my friend, is going to be hard to answer. I love her, but only as a friend. I couldn't ever be in a relationship with her because my heart lies with someone else," Patchouli answered calmly. Then she slapped her hands over her mouth. "Holy shit, did I just say that?"
Alice nodded. "Well...now you've gotta tell me who you like..." I hope it's me, Alice thought.
"Damn it. Now I wish I never would have said anything...do I have to?" Patchouli asked the doll-maker.
"Well...no, I guess not. Your choice," Alice replied.
Patchouli was silent for a moment. Then, in a quiet voice, she answered, "I love you, Alice."
"Oh, Patchouli!" Alice cried out, collapsing into Patchouli's arms. "I love you too."
"Hey...wanna go take a bath together?" Patchouli asked Alice.
Alice nodded, blushing, and the two stripped down until they were completely naked and then went to go take a shower.
"OWW! DAMN IT, I GOT SOAP IN MY EEEEYYYYEEES!" Alice screamed. "DAMN, IT BURNS!" Alice opened her eyes and let warm water wash the soap out.
Patchouli chuckled. Then she cupped Alice's face in her hands and kissed her softly on the lips. Not too rough or too gentle; just the right setting for Patchouli.
"Here, let me put some soap on you," Patchouli offered, grabbing the bar of soap.
Alice nodded and allowed Patchouli to rub her body, cleaning away all the dirt and grime with the soap. After Alice's treatment, she did the same for Patchouli, wanting Patchouli to feel what she felt.
They rinsed all of the soap off of their bodies and kissed one more time before stepping out of the shower. Alice tripped on the way out and landed on Patchouli. "UMMFFH!" Alice grunted as she fell to the floor.
"OW! My fucking face just got rammed into the floor!" Patchouli moaned.
"Sorry!" Alice helped Patchouli up and the two of them threw on some clothes and left Patchouli's bathroom.
"What do you wanna do now?" Alice asked Patchouli.
"Hmm...I don't know. What do you want to do?"
"Let's go see what the others are doing, shall we?" Alice offered.
Patchouli nodded. "Okay, but they tend to get a little crazy at night..."
Alice and Patchouli walked down an aisle of books. And another aisle. And another. AND ANOTHER!
"How many books do you have in here?" Alice asked Patchouli.
"I probably have about a quarter of all the books in the world," Patchouli replied.
"A QUARTER!?" Alice responded, shocked. How could there only be a quarter of all the books in the world in here? It seemed like Patchouli had every book in the world!
"Okay, maybe I exaggerated a bit. Maybe I have only a fifth in here...I don't know. Hey, look, we're at the exit," Patchouli suddenly said.
"Oh, sweet! Okay, we've gotta go see what they're doing now," Alice told Patchouli. The two girls made their way to the kitchen, where Meiling and Sakuya were sleeping on top of each other. On the counter.
"OMG, LYK, WE SHOULD TOTALLY POST THIS ON INSTAGRRRRAAAAAM!" Remilia exclaimed, turning her phone around to show everyone a picture of Meiling and Sakuya sleeping on top of each other next to a big, black scorch mark on the counter.
"Wow, they really gave it their all with the mess-making today," Patchouli commented.
"Yeah. They seem to be extremely involved in the outside world," Alice added.
"O. M. G! LOOK! IT'S LIZZY AND, LYK, MIRANDA! LOOK AT THEM! THEY'RE, LYK, STANDING IN THE DOORWAY!" Koakuma exclaimed, pointing to Patchouli and Alice.
"Eh, whatever. Just let 'em stand there," Marisa mumbled from the corner of the kitchen. She was holding a beer bottle and had a sleeping Reimu sprawled across her lap. Marisa took a swig from the bottle. "Ah...aren't y'all tired?"
"OMG, LYK, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Flandre suddenly exclaimed. She threw her iPhone down onto the floor. "GOD. FUCKING. DAMN IT!"
"OMG, LYK, CHELSEA, ARE YOU, LYK, OKAAAAY?" Koakuma asked Flandre.
"OMG, LYK, NOOOOOOOOOOOO! OF COURSE NOT! I CAN'T BEAT MY GOD DAMN HIGH SCORE IN FLAPPY BIRRRRRRRRD!" Flandre cried out.
Remilia went over to comfort Flandre. "Shhh...the god damn bird isn't real...it's just a game that will make you feel angry and upset..." Remilia soothed, stroking Flandre's hair.
"Yeah! It's okay, Flandre. You can beat your high score!" Koakuma encouraged, rushing over and giving Flandre a hug.
Remilia swatted her away. "Fuck off, bitch!" Remilia hissed. "This is my little sister, not yours! Go fuck your librarian or something," Remilia suggested. "Come, Flandre. We have much to do." Remilia and Flandre left the room, holding hands and giggling.
Koakuma looked at Patchouli longingly.
"No. Just...no," Patchouli told Koakuma.
"But I want to-"
"No."
"But-"
"She said no, Koa. Sorry, sis," Alice sympathized.
"But we could have a threesome!" Koakuma offered.
"No thanks," Patchouli replied, starting down the hallway to the library with Alice at her side.
"Are you sure? I'll be really good!" Koakuma said again.
"I said no." Patchouli and Alice turned a corner with Koakuma still at their heels.
"But, Patchouli, I love you!" Koakuma protested.
Patchouli stopped walking and turned around to face Koakuma. "Look, I'm not interested. Please go bug someone else," Patchouli begged.
"But-"
"HEY, LOOK OVER THERE!" Patchouli suddenly shouted, pointing behind Koakuma.
"Where?" Koakuma asked, turning around.
Patchouli quickly used teleportation magic to teleport Alice and herself to her room. "We got rid of her! Finally!" Patchouli exclaimed.
"I know, right? Okay, now what do you wanna-MMMFFFHH!" Alice was cut off by a passionate kiss from Patchouli. Patchouli began to strip them both down until they were both naked.
"You know what I want," Patchouli answered, blushing.
-The Next Day-
"GOD. FUCKING. DAMN IT!" Remilia shrieked. "WAKE THE FUCK UP AND GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!"
Everyone except for Patchouli and Alice were in the kitchen. Passed out. On the floor.
"Whaa?" Marisa asked Remilia, still half-asleep.
"I SAID, PEOPLE, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! RESIDENTS OF THE MANSION! START YOUR DUTIES!" Remilia ordered.
"Okay..." Marisa replied, picking Reimu up in her arms. Reimu was still sleeping. Drool dribbled out of her mouth and onto the floor, adding to the pool of drool that was already there.
"Ah...damn...so cute," Marisa whispered, looking at Reimu.
"I SAID, WAKE THE FUCK UP!" Remilia commanded, shaking Meiling and Sakuya. Sakuya woke up immediately while Meiling on the other hand continued sleeping.
"Mistress! I'm so sorry, I overslept!" Sakuya apologized to Remilia.
"Sakuya, it's 2:00 in the morning," Remilia informed her.
"Wait, then why do I have to be awake?" Sakuya questioned.
"Because I'm HUNGRY! Make me something, please, Sakuya," Remilia asked.
"Yes, mistress," Sakuya grumbled, not wanting to leave Meiling's side.
"You can go back to sleep when I'm done eating."
-Patchouli's Room-
"Hey..." Alice randomly said. They were both still awake, even though it was 2:00 in the morning, and staying up that late will probably make them sick.
"Yeah?" Patchouli responded sleepily, and then yawned.
"Let's...let's go to sleep. I'm so...tired..." Alice yawned.
"Yeah...here, lay on my chest," Patchouli offered.
Alice gladly curled up next to Patchouli, closed her eyes, and went to sleep immediately.
Patchouli kissed the top of Alice's head. "Good night, my doll-maker," Patchouli whispered.
"Good night, my mage," Alice whispered back.