Valentine's Day is So Much Fun!
"Dude, I'm so nervous," linked cried to his horse. "What if all three say no?"
"Beat them up," Epona suggested.
"Go die."
Link left the ranch to ask his first dream-girl to the county dance. (Hyrule is a county, by the way.) Link never had time for a girlfriend. He was always fighting off some sort of mutated creatures or calling his demented grandmother. Link was the farthest thing from a pimp ever created. Ever.
"I hope Link asks me out today," Saria exclaimed to the little tree.
"I hope a flying pig comes out of my ass."
"You don't have an ass."
"No shit. You're the farthest thing from hot ever created. Ever," the tree claimed.
"Look at yourself, you little bitch."
"Trees don't have sex."
So, basically, Saria's self-esteem was crushed and Link was a pussy-face. So? Perfect match! Right?
On Link went, into the forest of astonishingly short people. He looked aimlessly for Saria, and the midgets glared at him as if he were a total psycho. He looked like one.
"Looking for something, big boy?" they would ask. He ignored.
Link continued his search, and finally, after talking to some very wise and friendly plants, he found Saria sulking in a corner.
"Mind if I cheer you up?" he asked seductively.
"Go fuck yourself." She obviously was under considerable duress.
"Don't mind that freaking tree. It's given more blowjobs than I'll ever receive. I think it's just ashamed."
"Really?" Saria sounded hopeful.
"Really."
"Let's go to the county dance!" the couple exclaimed in unison.
Later…
Saria and Link were having a blast. They were drinking papaya smoothies and kissing and singing and getting drunk and having lots of Valentine 's Day fun. From a distance, unbeknownst to them, but known to us, Zelda watched, green with envy. She watched their slow dancing and their slobbery, aggressive make-out sessions. They went into the bathroom, and she had enough. She spiked their punch with ecstasy and cast a terrible, terrible spell. With that, the night was near ruined.
At Saria's…
"Oh, Link," Saria moaned. "Just do it already."
"Uhh… problem."
"What now?"
"Can't get it up," Link whined.
"Oh, I oughta…"
"What?" Link asked.
"I'm gonna beat that bitch to a pulp!"
At the square…
Link arrived to find a circular crowd. The center of attention…a bitch fight. Zelda and Saria were going at it like those guys on the fake wrestling show. They were eating people in the crowd and all that shit. Link broke through the crowd.
"Show me your tits," he ordered.
"Who, me? Cheater." Zelda was pissed.
But she complied.
Link had no reaction. "Oh. I see. The ecstasy/no boner spell. Gotten this one a million times."
"Damn. You caught me," Zelda admitted to her wrongdoing. "But you can't make me reverse it!"
"I can." Link drew his bow. But it was no ordinary bow. "Prepare to join an orgy!"
"This is gay." Zelda was shot. "Fine. I'll reverse the spell. No more freaking Necco slingshots."
On some random purple velvet bed…
"This is so fun!" Link exclaimed. "I'm glad you put that spell on me after all."
"Yeah!" Saria exclaimed. "Now I get to fuck two pussies at once!"