Disclaimer: I do not own Major Crimes.
"And I can't fix it, Sharon. I-I can't-I can't fix it." For the second time in a week, Rusty reaches towards her. He isn't acting out of shock or even guilt, this time he is acting out of pure desperation and the one thing he needs is the comfort that only she can provide, the comfort of a mother who loves him. He knows that she may pull away out of disgust for him, but he hopes in the back of his mind that she won't. He is shocked when he feels her arms wrapping around him. "I am just like them, Sharon. I am just like them." His chin quivers as he turns his face in towards Sharon's neck, not wanting to be rejected. He doesn't want to be thrown away again.
"Rusty, what you are is who I love. And all of you is coming home." She squeezes Rusty tighter against her body as she feels him sobbing against her shoulder. She wishes that she could take away all the doubt and all the pain in his life. She wishes that she could do something, anything that would make him understand that she would never willingly let him go. Thinking back to her own biological children, she hopes that she never once gave them a reason to doubt her unconditional love for them. She may have disliked them once in awhile and still does on occasion, but she will always love them. She wouldn't give them up for anything. And she wouldn't give Rusty up for anything either.
She holds him as sob after sob is wrenched from him. He's only dimly aware of her tightening her arms around him and beginning to gently sway him back and forth. Bunching handfuls of her jacket into his fingers, he holds onto her as if his life depends on it, which it very well could. He is worried that if she even thinks about it, if he even gives her a moment to reject him, that she will push him away too. In his rational mind, he knows that she wouldn't, but his rational mind isn't the one in control right now.
She doesn't say a word, just allows him to cry. This is what he needs to finally be able to heal. Rubbing her hand slowly up and down his back, his sobs finally begin to lessen to just shuddering breaths. His arms begin to loosen their grip around her neck as calmness and a draining exhaustion set in. He doesn't even have the strength to lift his head from her shoulder, so he leaves it there.
After a few minutes of complete silence, Rusty finally lifts his head from her shoulder and completely relinquishes his grip around her neck. He backs away from her in slight embarrassment and has trouble meeting her eyes when she says, "Did that help?"
He nods his head but remains staring at the floor. From the corner of his eye, he sees Sharon handing him a tissue which he takes. Once he looks up, he catches Sharon wiping her eyes under her glasses. He didn't realize that he made her cry.
She finally looks back over at him and says, "Let's go home."
As she swings her purse over her shoulder, she hears Rusty say quietly, "Yeah… Home…" Tears fill her eyes because this is the first time he has ever called her condo "home". He's called it his condo, but never his home. Walking around to the front of her desk, she picks up the suitcase that is holding Rusty's things. He's had a long, emotionally draining day. Rusty takes one last shuddering breath and says, "Sharon, I can carry that."
"It's fine. I've got it." Sharon looks around her office and then puts her free hand on Rusty's back, guiding him out the door.
Sharon inserts her key into the lock on the front door, gently pushing it open. She lets Rusty go in first and hears him let out a sigh of relief. Following him in, she locks the door behind her and then sets her purse on the side table, tenderly taking her feet out of her boots. "Why don't you go put your stuff away while I get some dinner made?"
"Okay," Rusty mumbles, carrying the suitcase to his room and then closing the door.
She moves over to the kitchen, intent on making them something to eat for dinner, but then gets lost in her thoughts. Sitting herself on one of the stools at the counter, she places her elbows on the countertop, leaning over and dropping her head into her hands. "I didn't lose him. I didn't lose him," she keeps whispering to herself. "He's home. And he's safe. He's with me."
Her thoughts get pulled back to the night that she had to send him with Provenza. She will never forget that night and the look of pain that crossed Rusty's features as she packed his bag and then said good-bye.
She finishes packing his bag as she says, "Rusty, it won't be forever. You'll be gone for a week and then you'll be back with me. I promise."
Rusty looks at her, pleading, "But what if something happens and I can't come back."
"Rusty, I promise you, nothing will happen and you will come back home, with me. I promise you, Rusty. Please just trust me on this." She sees the hurt on Rusty's face from him thinking that she's abandoning him but she doesn't know what else to say. She knows that this could be the break in his trust in her and she wishes that it didn't have to be like this, but he needs to stay safe. He's not just a witness to her anymore, he's her son. She turns to Provenza and motions for him to head out of the room. Sharon picks up the suitcase, following Provenza out of Rusty's room and hands the suitcase to him.
They all head out to the front door and as Rusty is about to leave, he turns back around towards Sharon and says, "Why…"
Sharon looks up at him as tears fill her eyes. "Because I love you. I'll see you soon." She gives him a quick hug and then closes the door.
Sharon opens her eyes and she can still see the haunted look on Rusty's face in her mind. Taking a deep breath, she realizes that she was supposed to be cooking dinner. She stands up from the stool and makes her way over to the freezer, seeing what they have. After pulling out a thing of sausage, she walks over to her pantry and gets a jar of spaghetti sauce and a box of spaghetti noodles out. Once she has finished cooking and setting the table, she walks into the hallway and knocks on Rusty's door. "Rusty? Can I come in?" She doesn't receive an answer and so she tries the door handle, sure enough it is unlocked.
Opening the door, she looks in and finds Rusty sleeping on his bed, holding something in his hands. After sitting down on the side of his bed facing away from him, she leans over him and looks more closely at what he is holding and realizes that he is holding the picture of the two of them together at the beach. They had gone to the beach a couple months ago, needing a break from all the stress caused by the letter writer. Sharon had asked one of the security guards to take a picture of the two of them but she had no idea when he had gotten it printed. There are several crinkles in it already so he must have folded and unfolded it many times. Her heart breaks when she realizes that he must have had that picture with him the entire week.
Resting her hand on Rusty's shoulder, she lightly shakes it, waking him up. Shifting her eyes away from the picture so he doesn't realize that she saw it, she says, "Rusty, time for dinner."
Rusty looks up at her and carefully slides the picture underneath his pillow, hoping that she didn't see it. He doesn't want her to think that he's still terrified, that everything could be pulled out from under him at any minute and that he could lose everything that he cares about. "Okay."
They make their way out to the kitchen and as they sit down, Sharon puts food on each of their plates. As they begin eating, Sharon decides to bring up the topic. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Rusty looks down at his plate and quickly shakes his head. "No, I'm not ready."
She can see him drawing into himself just like he did when he first started living with her, so she stops. "Okay. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. But I just want you to know, Rusty, that I love you for who you are. Nothing could ever or will ever change that."
"I know that, Sharon," he says, his eyes still on the plate below him.
Sharon places her fork on her plate and focuses her eyes solely on Rusty. "Do you?" At this, Rusty snaps his eyes up to meet hers. "Because I can see that you are terrified that I will abandon you just like your mother did. And I need you to understand that I will never, ever do that. You need to trust me when I say that you will always have a home with me. Do you understand? What I did this week, I had to do for your safety. You have no idea how much it pained me to send you away with Provenza. But I will never abandon you."
"I trust you, Sharon. I know that I will always have a home with you," Rusty says as his eyes rise to meet hers. "And I understand why you did what you did."
"I'm happy that you understand." Sharon picks up her fork and finishes eating her dinner. Once they are done eating, Sharon puts the dishes away and washes all the pots, allowing Rusty to head to bed. After finishing up with the dishes, she turns all the lights off and walks down the hallway towards her bedroom. Before closing the door, she turns around and gazes at Rusty's closed bedroom door, suddenly feeling very thankful that he is back home. Closing the door, she walks towards her dresser and begins taking her jewelry off. Looking in the mirror, her thoughts get pulled back to after Rusty had left with Provenza.
Closing the front door, she leans against it, all of her energy rushing out of her at once. Tears fill her eyes as soon as her mind realizes that she is alone. Slowly, she pushes herself off of the door and shuts the lights off, deciding to skip dinner. Once she gets into her bathroom, she throws off her clothes and steps into the shower. As soon as the water hits her face, she feels tears trickling down and mixing with the water. Leaning against the side of the shower, she slowly slides down to the floor and tucks her knees up to her chest, letting her head rest against her folded arms. Tears fall down her cheeks as she realizes how close she came to truly losing her son today and how hurt Rusty was when he realized that she was sending him away for the week.
After several minutes of sitting in the shower, she finally gains enough energy to get up and turn the shower off. Wrapping a towel around her, she walks back into her bedroom and slips into her comfiest pajamas. Once she brushes her hair, she turns off the remaining lights and slides into her bed. After minutes of staring out of the crack from underneath her door and hearing nothing but the silence of an empty condo, she collapses into tears. She stands up from her bed and walks back over to her dresser, staring at her framed photo of her and Rusty. Tears fall down her cheeks as she leaves her room and walks into Rusty's room, collapsing onto his bed.
She gets pulled out of her thoughts as she accidentally drops her earring and it hits the wooden dresser. Putting the rest of her jewelry away, she changes into her pajamas and then brushes her teeth. Walking out of her bedroom, she stops at Rusty's door for a moment before walking in. Quietly opening the door, she slips into the small crack and closes it softly behind her, the light from the window illuminating the room. Making her way over to the side of his bed, she tenderly sits down, not wanting to wake him, and softly runs her hand through his hair. She places a soft kiss on his forehead and then pulls the comforters higher up over him. "Good night, Rusty. I love you," she whispers to the silent room. Standing back up from the bed, she quietly slips out of Rusty's room and back into hers. Slipping underneath the covers of her own bed, she is finally able to sleep peacefully for the first time in a week.
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