It's dark, pitch black. It feels like a dreamless slumber. Then out of the depths of the void comes a voice, rather automated.
"Welcome!" It sounds like the little robot from Halo. I miss Halo, got a fuckin' PS3 now and I'm up to my neck in Call of Duty, fuck Ghosts though, I didn't go near that since Ghost from Mw2 wasn't in it at all. 'Oh we named the dog after him!' Bastards.
"Umm, hi." is all I can think of to say.
"This is the portal that leads to the world inhabited only by Pokemon." it continues.
"Well your portal could use some lights and a sense of self. I mean am I standing or just floating around?" I try to move but I can't feel my arms. Or much of my body for that matter, I hope I still have a body! Or I could be a ghost. That'd be cool, I could scare the shit out of any unfortunate sod.
"Beyond this gateway, many new adventures and fresh experiences await your arrival!" it spoke again, breaking my fantasy of being an invisible pervert.
"I hope they're minty fresh!" I noticed that it hasn't responded to a thing I've said. Arsehole.
"Before you depart for adventure, you must answer some questions."
"Yes I did eat the last cookie. Actually I ate the last five since there were more dishes than there needed to be."
"Be truthful when you answer them!" it exclaims.
"Then the answer is C bitch! It's always C." I shoot back.
"Now, are you ready?" I assume a restroom break is out of the question. Of these questions. Whatever. Fine, let's have some fun, this is my dream anyway. I wonder if I can make a wild Gardevoir appear. Don't ask why, we all know why. "Then... let the questions begin!" Okay, shit. Nice dramatic pause. Bright colors fade in, ranging from every hue across the rainbow. Its like a bad trip almost. A void in the 70's. At least there is light, but I can't move my eyes to look around. This is it. I'm in hell. The automated voice sounds again, "Did you play 'Explorers of Time' or 'Explorers of Darkness'?"
"I loved 'Explorers of Time'!" I start to fan girl until it hits me. "Wait, so that's what's going on?! I'm dreaming about my video games?! I'm cool with this." A box appears in front of me, well whatever sort of being I am at the moment. It reads "Yes" and "No". "Well it'd be kinda hard to pick one if I can't point or click eh?!" I complain to the voice. Nothing happens. "Ugh, yes." The next question appears.
"Do you like lively parties?"
"Yes and no. Someone usually ends up doing something stupid which can be funny as hell! But then its on facebook until I delete my account... Again." Nothing happens. "No. Wanker."
"Have you ever thought that if you dug in your backyard you could find buried treasure?" it asks.
"Yes, when I was six I wanted to dig up fossils. But life progressed and I got bitter so now I just want to grow a goatee and write." this feels like therapy. Well dreams do involve personal issues that they try to resolve symbolically. So I guess me blasting away aliens is a sign that I'm racist? What the hell I'm Latin! I'm a country away from Taco Bell central! That's not fair, its more like America than we think. Equal amount of Mexicans.
"You've been asked to do a difficult task. What will you do?" it displays it's answers since mine are long and thought provoking. Which is scary to a robot.
"Do it myself. People will just mess it up like usual. Just look at My Little Pony!"
"The phone's ringing! What do you do?"
"Depends on who's calling. Oh look, that's not a choice! So I can't be truthful! Wait a bit before answering. Whilst checkin' dat caller ID though."
"Everyone around you is laughing hard at something you think is pretty boring. What do you do?"
"That's not uncommon, I usually imagine beheading them, or leaving. But I'm chicken shit so nothing, really." I think I have a hate problem, or everyone else has an idiot problem. I choose the latter!
"Your friend suddenly won't listen to you, when everything was fine yesterday. What happened?"
"What?! Why?! Who do I have to kill?! It was Bill wasn't it?! I told you to leave that bastard!" really its another example of someone being an idiot. Why do fools fall in love? I begin singing the track by Frankie Lymon and The Teenagers. I just wish I could friggin' snap.
"Your friend offers to treat you to dinner. What do you do?" it goes to the next question.
"Awh shit. All my friends are girls and I have a jealous girlfriend. Note I said jealous, not controlling. But I can't be that mean to my friend. Whichever one it is. Thanks... I suppose."
"Do you think it's important to always aim to be the best?"
"Yes, that's all that matters in this economy if you want to be happy in the end. Guys will go to Harvard then only work as a mail boy or at Starbucks to pay his student debt. He obviously didn't get Best Student Ever. That's why people go into the military, good pay and free housing and you come out with experience. Navy Seals!" God I'm single minded.
"Are you male or female?"
"That's the question isn't it? Is the great Noel a girl or boy? The profile picture says either it's a she or a hentai horndog! Doesn't that just make you wonder?! I'm toying with your mind man! What sort of shorts do I wear?! Girl or hentai horndog?... Male." No shame! I do what I want! Okay there's a little shame. In my self pity shame dwelling I didn't hear the next thing the voice said although the lack of light catches my attention. Wait, there's darkness in front of me but the bad trip above that... I'm sure if I dwell on it I'll pop a vessel.
"Your aura is the energy that you radiate!" it states.
"Yeah, yeah we've all seen the Lucario movie." the ending made me cry.
"Relax. Calm yourself..."
"Only rapists say that!"
"And now press your fingertip gently on the Bow."
"That too! And you want me to be calm?!" I bark as a white bow appears before me. I hesitate but press it's center. Well I imagined pressing it, for I have a lack of arms. It begins to pulse, a rush of energy surges through me. The breath is sucked out of me as I gasp in overwelming sensesation. It hurts and is comforting all at the same time. What the hell?! The feeling stops, leaving me huffing.
"Your aura is..." it begins. The bow comes back and is now a shade of grey. Not those shades, though my body or whatever feels heavy as if I was a part of that. "a statley silver!" No bitch, that's grey. "Thank you for answering all those questions." You're welcome, git. "You seem to be..." it pauses dramatically, again, "the sassy type! Or at least somewhat sassy!"
"Mmm, girl. You know it!"
"You don't like taking orders. You're a little rebellious and like to disagree." Oh stop it. "You're a lone wolf! You like to keep your distance from group and go off to do things on your own." You know me too well! "Older folks may be the ones who find you the most disagreeable, even selfish." Fuck the man! "But people younger than you tend to really admire you!" Don't you wanna grow up to be just like me?! "So, a sassy type like you..." Another pause! Gasp, here is comes! "Will be a Riolu"
"Hell yeah!"
"And finally..." Oh, I forgot this part. "Who will be your partner? Choose the Pokemon you want for a partner." Columes of pictures of Pokemon appear before me. I hum to myself as I look through and ponder. Well, I'll need a type that will make up for my weaknesses. Which are psychic and flying, also I want a girl. Holy shit a Vulpix! The picture pops out as the others fade. "Is Vulpix who you want?"
"Yes!" I don't have a real attactment to Vulpixs... Vulpixi? Whatever, I'm more of an Evee person but I figure having a fire type would be a good match. Also, you gotta love those foxes right? Yiff! Oh my thoughts would scare everyone. Thank God no one can hear this. I love Katy Perry music! I begin to hum Hot 'n Cold as a large text box appears.
Oh right nicknames, the bane of my Pokemon love. "Del, del, del, del, del, del. K-a-t-y. There. No, I can't scream that out in angst. Who's my other favorite singer? L-i-s-a. End."
"Is the name Lisa OK?"
"Yes, got no other name in mind right now. My girlfriend would kill me if I didn't name a cat after her and fuck Skitty. Seems useless in a game like this." But is this a game? I hope so, I still got a season of Black Butler to finish.
"OK! That's it! You're all ready to go!" Thank God. "You're off to the world of Pokemon!" Whoopie! "Be strong! Stay smart! And be victorious!" Or what?! The screen goes dark again. My body feels different, well now I actually feel my body. I hear thunder, and the rain. It hits me like bullets and the wind can nearly sweep me away.
"Whoa! Wh-wh-whoa...!" cries a voice. It sounds like some guy, anything but the computer voice is fucking welcomed. "Are... Are you OK?!"
"I don't know..." is what I wanted to say but couldn't. Once again, I couldn't move. Thunder and lightining sounds again.
"No!" I hear him call out. "Don't let go!" I can't help it asshole! "Just a little longer... Come on! Hang on!" Why the hell am I always numbed?! Sorry bro, can't help you out right now! "N-n-no! I can't...hold on...!" Wait, who are you?! I black out as the voice screams. A last feeling of water surrounds me. As if instantly after, I come to for a moment. Groaning over the soreness of my body. It feels like the worst hangover. I feel sand around me, and hear waves softly crash close to me.
"Where..." damn its hard to talk, "Where am I?" A beach seems like the best guess, but where still? "I can't..." I can't do shit, "Drifting off..." I black out again. Damn I'm a lightweight.
I'm in darkness, but I hear the waves again. I feel the sand against me, but not against my skin. It feels like clothes but not. I'm wearing one of those skin suits huh? What was I doing, playing Slender? Fuck that game, almost shit myself half the time. I also hear a little wail, and quick steps kicking up sand towards me.
"What happened?! Are you OK?!" a girl's worried voice seems to break through the haze. I struggle, my body still feeling sore from whatever happened. Oh Arceus I hope I still have my kidneys! Arceus? I stand up finally. "You're awake! Thank goodness!" I look around, I guessed right! A beach. A sunset beach! But still, where is this beach, what's with all these bubbles? I hold my head, its pounding, then look to see a Vulpix standing beside me. She seems, tall. I mean she's almost to my fucking chin. What does she eat? Special K Steirod Delights?! "You wouldn't move at all. I was really scared for you!" she explains. "Do you have any idea how you ended up unconscious out here?" Well other than alchoal I can't say... Hmmm... I ponder for a moment. Just what did happen? I remember something about ghosts... and the 70's?
"Anyway, I'm Lisa. Happy to meet you!" she introduces herself cheerfully. What sort of name is that for a Vulpix, let alone a Pokemon. That's like calling a cat Paul. Paul... heheheh. "And who are you? I don't think I've seen you around before."
"Well I've never seen a Vulpix as tall as a human." I joke. Nice ice breaker brain.
"I'm not as tall as a human?" she looks at me confused. "I'm almost as tall as you but..." she stops and her eyes widen, "What? You're saying you're human?"
"Yeah?" Now I'm confused.
"You look like a totally normal Riolu to me!" I stop and look into the distant void, partly making a duck face. Then look at my body. Well shit, its not my body! I look around, blue and black fur. Paws, which are adoreable but still there! Blue tail, oh damn I always wanted a tail! But it's true, I am a Riolu. Oh crap, my kidneys! I look at my sides, seperating the fur but I don't see any cuts, blood or scars. Phew, at least that didn't happen.
Though the main question still lingers. So this is how it feels like be short as hell? Also, how did this happen? I was handsome! Well I think I was, was I? I hope so. For the sake of arguement and my self esteem, I was! Maybe I was druged then turned into a Pokemon, so that's why my memory's gone? I'm not sure a Vulpix would understand that.
"You're..." she pauses, as if searching for the right words, "a little odd..." Gee thanks! "Are you pulling some kind of trick on me?"
"No? Why would I?" I ask.
"You're telling me the truth? Okay, how about your name? What's your name?" she asks with a level of concern and doubt.
"Yes, how about my name..." I turn, scratching the back of my head. "My name is Noel." Why does that feel like a lie?
"So you're named Noel? Ok." her mood calms, thank Arcues. Felt like a damn test. "Well, you don't seem to be a bad Pokemon, at least."
"Well thanks, I guess." I scratch at my small pointed ear, which strangely feels orgasmic.
"Sorry that I doubted you." she nervously chuckles. Its kinda cute. "More and more bad Pokemon have been turning up lately, you see!" she explains, still chuckling. "A lot of Pokemon have gotten aggressive lately. It's just not safe anymore..."
I suddenly get the urge to look around, "That must suck. Having to watch your back so often." Just as I say that a Zubat and Koffing appear behind Lisa and push her into me. We both fall back. "Damn, the hell?!"
"Yowch!" she cries, rolling off of me.
"Well, I do beg your pardon." the Koffing's voice is slow and makes him sound like a fuckin' twit.
Lisa quickly gets up, "Hey! Why'd you do that?!" she demands.
"Heh-heh-heh! Can't figure it out yourself?" the Zubat's voice is scratchy and no better than Koffing's. "We wanted to mess with ya! Can't face up to us, can you?!"
"Wh-what?!" Lisa's anger subsides to shock.
"That's yours, isn't it?" Zubat chuckles like a bastard. He eye balls, I guess that's not the right way to say it but oh well, a rock that seemed to have come from Lisa.
"Oh! That's...!" she begins.
"Sorry, kiddo. We'll take that!" Zubat flies over and picks up the stone. He holds it in his legs, or whatever those are. Lisa just watches and gasps. I'm not sure if I should jump in or anything. I'm not here to save the day.
Koffing laughs "Not gonna make a move to get that back? What's the matter? Too scared?" Yeah Lisa, fucking fire their asses. "I didn't expect that you'd be such a big coward!"
"The hell's wrong with you arseholes?!" I demand.
Koffing turns to Zubat, "Come on. Let's get out of here."
"See you around, chicken." Zubat giggles and they both move off into a cave on the beach, brushing us off. Lisa said there were bad Pokemon, she didn't say anything about wankers. Lisa watches them go off then hangs her head. She pushes her paw against the sand.
"Wh-what should I do?" she asks pitifully. I turn to her, "That's my personal treasure. It means everything to me."
"Your personal tresure is a rock?" I ask, a little dumbfounded.
She nods slowly, "If I lose that..." Dammit she looks like she's about to cry! But she shakes her head then stares off into the cave determinly. "No! There's no time to waste! I have to get it back!"
"There you go!" I encourage. "Have fun!" I begin to walk off in the opposite direction before she stops me.
"Say, can you please help me?" she asks.
"Wait, what?!" I find myself in a fit. "But I-" Her determined face goes puppy dog. "Shit..." I try to hold off her adoreable gaze, gritting my teeth. "Fine!" I throw my arms up in defeat.
"Really?!" she acts surprised but her excitement is there. "You'll really help?!"
"I got nothing better to do."
"Th-thanks! Can we go take care of it right now?"
"Lead the way." I dismissfully wave. She runs off into the cave as I slunk in behind her. Making my disinterest and annoyence known to anyone who would witness. I also added a good long sigh.