A NIGHTMARE FULL OF SORROW.
That was the worst day of his life, the day his band mate, best friend and brother died. Brian was not sure if he really understood what he just heard. Was Jimmy really gone, or was this just some sick joke?
Brian hurried to the Sullivan's house. This was where he met Jimmy's family and closest friends. They were all devastated. He was welcomed in their house. Barbara, Jimmy's mom, hugged Brian tight and long.
Once everyone was there they just sat down and talked about Jimmy. They talked about the past and the future. How it was to live with Jimmy and how they possibly go on living without him. Later in the evening people started telling stories of Jimmy and the mood lightened slightly.
Brian was sitting in a chair in the corner of the room. He did not understand how they could sit there and laugh. His chocolate brown eyes drifted from the group of people to the floor in front of him. Usually he would talk a lot and join every conversation in the room, but today was not just another day.
Since Brian and his girlfriend, Michelle, arrived in different cars he excused himself as soon as he could and went home.
Fumbling with the keys, Brian finally got the door opened. He threw the keys on the living room table and walked upstairs. Once he entered the bedroom he threw himself on the bed and fell asleep, not wanting to deal with the fact that Jimmy was gone. Not long after Michelle came home.
"Brian?" Her soft voice sounded worriedly as she walked in the door. "Where are you honey?" Since she did not get any response she headed for the bedroom.
"There you are." She sighed when she found him fully dressed on the bed.
"What?" He asked and sat up on the bed. Michelle saw the sadness in his eyes.
"How are you feeling?" She sat down next to him. Without an answer he just hugged her.
"I love you." He said and stroke his hand through her dark brown hair.
"I love you too." She whispered.
The next couple of days were like living in a vacuum. Nobody knew what to do or what to say. They always ended up with telling Jimmy stories. Everybody laughed at the stories, everybody except for Brian. He had not said much since Jimmy's death. When everyone gathered, which had happened a lot lately; Brian would sneak out and sit in the back. His friends were worried about him, but assumed that it was just his way of grieving.
Today was the day of Jimmy's funeral. Brian was in the living room. He buttoned his last button before he sat down in the couch. Michelle was upstairs in the bathroom getting ready.
"Are you ready to go?" She laid her hand on Brian's shoulder.
"Yeah." He answered her and got up with sigh. On the way out he picked up a pair of sunglasses.
"Do you want me to drive?" Michelle asked.
"No, I'll do it." Brian forced on a smile.
Outside the church Michelle took a look at her boyfriend before slowly walking through the gates. Brian sat next to Matt and Michelle sat next to Johnny. Seeing Jimmy's casket was breaking Brian to pieces. He just wanted to escape. He wanted to wake up from this terrible nightmare. The priest walked in and started the ceremony. After some preaching it was time to lower the casket. They were standing around the grave, some wearing sunglasses. The sight of his best friend being lowered down in the earth made a single tear fall down Brian's face. Michelle looked up at Brian and saw the sorrow take over his body. She grabbed a hold of his hand and squeezed gently. Brian felt a lump form in his throat.
"Good bye, Jimmy." Brian whispered so low he was the only one who could hear it. The rest of the day went by. Brian remembered some people talking to him, but he did not want anything to do with it. All he wanted to do was to hang out with his friend. The only one he wanted to talk to was Jimmy.
The day after Jimmy's funeral Michelle had to go back to work.
"Are you going to be okay?" She asked him.
"Yes, I'm going to be fine." She did not seem to believe him, but she was already running late.
"See you tonight babe." She kissed his cheek.
"Have a nice shift." He yelled through the door.
This was the first time Brian was alone after Jimmy's death. He did not know what to do. The only thing that came to mind was having a beer. After a couple of hours he wanted something stronger. Therefore he found a bottle of Jack Daniels and started drinking.
When Michelle came home from work she found an extremely drunk Brian lying on the couch.
"Hi honey! I'm glad you are home." Brian stumbled over the floor and hugged her.
"Me too, have you been drinking?" She asked him, knowing that he had.
"Maybe a little." He said and tried to put on an innocent face. Michelle could not help but laugh at him.
"Come on." She led him upstairs to their bedroom. He fell onto the bed.
"Come here you." Brian dragged her down and kissed her. Michelle did not protest his actions and kissed him back.
"I love you." He said and used two fingers to remove the hair for her face.
"I love you too, Brian." Michelle looked deep into his eyes.
"Don't ever leave me." Brian begged as the memory of his passed friend came back.
"I won't. I will stay with you forever, I promise." She reassured him. Michelle kissed Brian once more before she pushed off the bed.
"Where are you going?" Brian asked worriedly.
"I'm just going to change out of my clothes." Michelle said.
"But I thought you weren't leaving me."
"Come with me then." Michelle told him.
"Oh, I'm not going anywhere." Brian grabbed a hold of her. "And neither are you." He pulled her into another kiss and started to kiss the soft spot on her neck. Michelle bit her lower lip in attempt to not let out a moan.
Brian pulled the shirt over her head and went back to kissing her. His hands were resting on her lower back. Shortly after, the couple was undressed till their underwear.
"Brian." Michelle breathed heavily. "Brian, I have to go to the bathroom." He gave her an unsatisfied look but let her go.
"I'll be right back, okay?" Brian nodded and told her not to be long. Michelle turned around and smiled excitedly thinking about her boyfriend.
Once she came back Brian had fallen asleep.
"Wow, you must have had a lot to drink." She said disappointedly and got into the bed.
Brian's drinking just evolved and Michelle felt like she was losing him. He did not want to talk to anyone. He rarely laughed and only went out of the house to get more alcohol.
Today Michelle, once again, walked inn on her drunken boyfriend. He was lying passed out on the couch. There was an almost empty bottle of JD in his hand and a couple of beers on the table.
"Oh my god." Michelle said and worried if Brian had been drinking it all. She sighed in relief when she saw a wet spot on the floor by the tipped-over bottle. Brian had still been drinking too much though. Michelle took the bottle out of his hand and cleaned the floor before she put a blanket over him and walked up to the bed. She quickly got out of her clothes and almost collapsed on the bed from exhaustion. Being around Brian these days was a trial.
Later that night Brian woke up and understood that Michelle was home. He made his was upstairs, which was kind of hard considering the amount of drink he had poured into his body.
Michelle heard him cracking the bedroom door, but decided to ignore it. She did not have the energy to deal with him. Brian realized that he had done something wrong and felt bad for Michelle.
"Michelle, baby." He said with a low voice, unsure if she heard him or not. "Michelle, I'm sorry." Brian walked into the room and sat down by the bed. "I'm really sorry. I'm sorry for being a jerk, I'm sorry for drinking so much, I'm sorry for not being there for you. I know that you have had a hard time dealing with all of this. Most of all I'm sorry for ever hurting you." After Brian finished silence filled the room. When Michelle did not answer him Brian started walking for the door. Michelle could hear how truly sorry he was.
"Brian?" She sat up and watched Brian freeze in his step. The moonlight lightened up the dark room. Brian turned around and saw a tear roll down Michelle's cheek. He hated to see her cry, especially when he knew that he was the reason why.
"Oh Brian." Michelle fought the tears and ran over to him. She got up on her tippy toes and gave him a long kiss. Her arms were locked around his neck.
"I love you so much." She whispered into another kiss, never wanting to let go. He picked her up bridal style and carried her over to the bed. He laid her down and removed his shirt before climbing on top of her. She dragged him into a deep kiss before she pulled her top over her head. Brian moved his hands from Michelle's neck down her body. His touch made her feel special. The gentle touch to her body made her heart race and her knees weak. It was the best feeling in the world.
The morning after Michelle woke up alone in bed, wondering where Brian was. She slipped on one of his t-shirts and walked downstairs. The smell of bacon and eggs found her nose. This made her smile and she walked down to the kitchen.
"Hi." Brian said as he put the egg on her plate.
"Hi." Michelle smiled and sat down.
"This smells nice." She took some food on her fork. "And it tastes even better."
"I'm glad you like it." Brian smiled.
It had gone three days without Brian thinking about Jimmy's death. Michelle and Brian had worked things out and Brian would not drink till the point where he would pass out.
"What are you doing today?" Michelle asked Brian while she was getting ready for work.
"I don't know." Brian said, leaning against the wall. "I'll probably just hang with the guys."
"Okay, say I said hi." Michelle smiled. She was proud of her boyfriend for finally deciding to talk to his friends.
"Yeah, I'll call Ji..." Brian stopped talking in the middle of the sentence. Michelle knew that he was about to say Jimmy. She could see the ache in his face.
"He was my fucking best friend in the whole world." Brian slid down to the floor. His voice was cracking.
"Brian." Michelle said worriedly and walked towards him.
"Don't." Brian said. "Just don't."
"Honey." Michelle sighed.
"God damn, Michelle. Can't you just leave me alone?" Brian yelled at her.
"But…" Michelle tried.
"Just go to your fucking work." Brian got up and pointed at the door.
"Brian." Michelle tried again.
"Just go. Get the hell out of here!" Michelle held back the tears and ran out the door. Brian heard the engine of the car start up. He ran out and yelled after her, but was too late. She was driving away down the street.
"Fuck!" Brian screamed and walked back inside. He slammed the door and hit his fist against the wall. The emotions took over his body. He could not control his rage.
Michelle was driving the car towards her work. She picked up her phone and dialed the number.
"Hello?" The voice in the other end answered.
"Hi, Zacky, it's Michelle."
"Michelle, what is wrong?" Zacky asked. He could hear that she was about to cry.
"I need your help."
"Yeah, sure, whatever you want."
Brian was at home when he heard knocking on the door. He ignored it. The knocking got harder.
"Just open the god damn door Gates, we know that you are in there." Matt's voice sounded through the door. Brian walked to the door and unlocked it. At that moment the door burst open. Matt grabbed a hold of Brian and pushed him against the wall.
"What the fuck were you thinking, huh? You need to get your fucking act together!"
"You're going to lose her man." Zacky filled inn from behind Matt.
"Just get it through your thick skull that she needs you too man." Matt was reaching the level of anger that he could be beating the shit out of Brian. Zacky pulled him away. Then Johnny stepped in.
"Look." He said plainly. "If you don't pick your shit off of the floor Michelle will leave you. I'm your friend and you know that, but what the fuck is wrong with you?"
"I know I fucked up alright? I know I have been a douche, I know I that I need to get my shit together and for that I am sorry." Brian apologized.
"Good," Zacky said. "But it's not us you need to apologize to."
"I know." Brian sighed. The guys left and Brian was once again alone. He figured that he had to go out of the house and clear his thoughts. When he grabbed his fendora off the dresser and was about to head out something fell to the floor. Brian picked it up and saw found himself looking at a picture of him and Jimmy. In the picture Jimmy held his arm across Brian's shoulder and Brian did the same on Jimmy. He remembered that moment very well.
*Flashback*
Brian was sitting on the bus talking with people when Jimmy sat down next to him.
"I missed you man." Jimmy told him, even though it had only been like two or three days.
"Dude, what's it been? Like three days?" Some random guy asked.
"So what?" Jimmy asked. "He is my fucking best friend and I have missed him."
"I missed you too, Jimmy." Brian told his friend. Then they gave each other a hug.
"I love you man." Jimmy said when they broke it up.
"You too." Brian answered his friend and gave him a smile from the bottom of his heart.
*Flashback over*Brian put the picture in his pocket and walked out of the house. He got in the car and just drove around for half an hour or so. Somehow he ended up by the cemetery. He parked the car and got out of it.
"I'm not going in there, no way." Brian thought to himself. Then he thought about Michelle and what the guys said. He knew that he had to do it. What the hell was he so scared of anyway, the truth? The truth of the passing of his best friend and brother? Deep down Brian knew it. He knew that he would never meet Jimmy again. Not in this life anyway.
Right now his body split into two pieces. One piece said that there is no way he is going through those gates. The other piece said that he had to, not only for Michelle and the guys, but for himself.
Brian knew what he had to do and took a deep breath before he walked through the gates. This was the first time he was there since the funeral which was almost three months ago. Brian was scared of what he would feel or do when he saw Jimmy's name on the tombstone. He took a right turn and knew that he was getting close. The roses by the stone were red and black and now Brian could see them right in front of him.
"Beloved Son, Brother, Best Friend
James Owen Sullivan
1981 – 2009
Jimmy jumped into life
and never touched the bottom."
Brian felt a big lump forming in his throat. It felt like a whole, big, empty space where his heart used to be. The big man got down to his knees and touched the stone with his friends name on it. Brian just sat there for a while. Once he was ready to go he took the picture out of his pocket and placed it beside the stone.
"I love you Jimmy and I can't wait to meet you and jam with you in the afterlife."
Brian walked back to his car and got in. A tear rolled down his face, then another.
"Damn, fuck, shit!" Brian yelled as he used his hands to hit the steering wheel. He started the engine and drove off.
Once again he was driving around aimlessly. Brian was breaking the speed limits and driving against every red light on his way. He was asking himself why. Why it had to be Jimmy that got taken away.
Michelle came home from work and did not find Brian anywhere. She was starting to get anxious. When she walked into the office she found a piece of paper on the desk. She walked over and read it. It appeared to be a song. Not just a song, it was a song about Jimmy.
"Oh Brian." Michelle said to herself when she finished reading the song which made tears run down her cheek. Suddenly the felt her phone vibrate in her pocket.
"I'm at the bar. Don't worry I'm only going to have one beer. ;)" It was from Brian.
Brian was sitting in the bar, still on his first drink.
"Hi, I'm Al. You are in that band, huh?" A man asked Brian. Brian did not want to talk to anyone and pretended he did not hear the guy. Then guy did not go away. Instead he sat down next to Brian.
"Yeah you are that guy who plays guitar, right?" The man tried again.
"Yes." Brian said and took a sip of his beer. He understood that this guy was very drunk.
"It was your drummer that died wasn't it?" Brian turned his head, looking at this Al for the first time, before he returned his eyes to the drink in hand.
"It's a shame" the guy went on. "He died at such a young age." He downed the last of his drink. "But I guess that is what happens when you are addicted." This made Brian turn his head. What the hell did this guy think he was doing? He didn't even know Jimmy.
"Jimmy wasn't fucking addicted to anything. He was addicted to life. He was a shooting star and those things fucking burn out quickly." Brian was standing at this point. "So just shut the fuck up and get the hell out of my face!"
"You know what?" The man said. "Nobody cared about his death, your music never was that good anyway." This was the last drop. There was no way Brian was going to stand there and listen to this asshole.
Brian lunged at the guy and got him right on the jaw. Al almost fell back, but regained his balance.
"Mother fucker!" The guy screamed and with that the fight was on. There was one thing Brian had not thought of when he started that fight. He was easily outnumbered by the man and his friends. Two of them grabbed a hold of Brian while two other was hitting Brian in the face and abdominal area. They landed some good punches before, Matt, Johnny and Zacky luckily came through the doors.
"Oh my god." Matt said before he ripped one of the guys off of Brian and punched him out with one hit. One of the other guys threw a fist at Matt, but Zacky jumped on him. Johnny and Matt took care of the two remaining guys. Brian was lying on the floor coughing and holding his ribs.
"Let's go." Matt said while he and Zacky helped Brian to his feet. With his arms over their shoulders they almost carried Brian out.
Brian cursed from the pain in his ribs when Zacky and Matt put him in the car.
"Are you okay?" Johnny asked when he got in next to Brian.
"Yeah, but I think I broke a rib." Brian said before he writhed in pain. "Or two." He joked.
"We should get you checked up." Zacky said from the driver's seat.
"But before we do that," Matt turned around facing Brian. "What the hell were you thinking?"
"Don't give me that." Brian screamed back.
"First you fucking tell Michelle to piss off and then you go to the bar to get fucking drunk and get into a fight!?"
"For your information, yes, I did yell at Michelle, but regretted it five seconds after. That was when I realized that I don't have any more chances. I got in my car and drove to the cemetery to visit Jimmy." The whole car got quiet. All of them knew that Brian had refused to go to the cemetery since the funeral.
"After that I drove aimlessly around and ended up at the bar." Brian continued. "I ordered one drink. Then this guy approached me and started to talk bullshit 'bout our band."
"And that is why you got in a fight? We have people telling us bullshit about out band all the time." Matt spoke.
"No that is not why I got into that fight."
"Why then?" Matt asked impatiently.
"Because…because he was talking shit about Jimmy."
Once again the car got quiet.
"I just want to fix things with Michelle." Brian broke the silence.
"I know dude." Zacky sighed.
(Months later)
Brian was on stage slightly jamming on his guitar while Matt was talking.
"How are you guys doing out there?" The crowd screamed as a response.
"So we are going to play another song off our new record. It's a tribute to our best friend who passed away." There were lots of signs and posters about Jimmy in the crowd.
"We love you Jimmy." Matt continued. "This song is written by Synyster Gates and is called 'So Far Away'." Brian started playing and took one last look at Michelle, who was standing backstage, before he headed out to the front of the stage and played the song.
"Never feared for anything Lived a life so endlessly How do I live without the ones I love Plans of what our futures hold A final song, a last request How do I live without the ones I love? Sleep tight I'm not afraid
Never shamed but never free
A light healed the broken heart
With all that it could
Saw beyond what others see
I tried to heal your broken heart
With all that I could
Will you stay?
Will you stay away forever?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away
Foolish lies of growing old
It seems we're so invincible
But the truth is so cold
A perfect chapter to lay the rest
Now and then I try to find
A place in my mind
Where you can stay
You can stay awake forever
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away
The ones that we love are here with me
Lay away a place for me
'Cause as soon as I'm done I'll be on my way
To live on eternally"
"How do I live without the ones I love? I love you, you were ready So far away
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned
Place and time always on my mind
And the light you left remains but it's so hard to stay
When I have so much to say and you're so far away
The pain is strong and urges rise
But I see you when it lets me
Your pain is gone, your hands untied
I need you to know
So far away
And I need you to
Need you to know"