~OF LAST BREATHS AND WISHES~

The last conscious act of Koizumi Itsuki was brushing his teeth with WD-40.

During one of the survival sessions of the organization, he'd once heard about the unsung versatility of the popular spray lubricant, and now, while exsanguinating, he felt an irrational urge to brighten his smile. Kyon pawed through the gear and found the familiar blue-and-yellow can, along with a small brush designed for cleaning pistols. Kyon knelt in the blood-cruisted sand and tucked a camouflage bedroll under his partner's neck.

"Do my molars, wouldya?" Groggily, Koizumi opened his mouth and pointed.

"Jesus Willy," Kyon said, but he aimed the nozzle at Koizumi's brown-stained chompers and sprayed. What the hell, he thought, the fucker's dying.

Koizumi brushed in a listless mechanical way. He spoke from the uncluttered side of his mouth: "You believe this shit? After all we've done these past few months, just one faux pas and everything goes kablooey. Hell, we're even on the battlefield with dickheads dying left and right."

Kyon was in blinding misery, his bandaged shoulder afire. "You know… you know what I don't believe?" he said. "I don't believe you still won't say bitch after all she done to us. Goddamn, Koizumi, I wonder 'bout you!"

"Aww, well." Koizumi Itsuki's eyelids dropped to half-staff. One hand flopped apologetically, splatting in a puddle of blood. His face was as pallid as a slab of fish.

"She almost killed you. She killed you, man!" Kyon hunched over him. "I wanna hear you say it. 'Haruhi is a bitch.' Before you go and croak, I want you to act like a man, not like the kiss-ass you are, not like the most religious patriot of Haruhiism, and say that, just once. Kin you do that for me?" Kyon laughed berserkly against the pain.

"Come on, you stubborn little prick. Say it: B-i-c-h. Bitch!"

But Koizumi Itsuki was done talking. He died with the gun brush in his cheeks. His final breath was a soft necrotic whistle of WD-40 fumes.

Kyon caught a slight buzz from it, or so he imagined. He snatched up the aerosol can, struggled to his feet and staggered into the mangroves to mourn.

~OF LAST BREATHS AND WISHES end~

WD-40 is the trademark name of a water-displacing spray widely available in a variety of retail outlets. faux pas means false step (mistake).

Disclaimer: I do not own the Haruhi Suzumiya franchise. And with what I've done so far, be glad I don't.

Author's Note: All misspellings/grammar mistakes in the dialogue are intentional.

For everyone who thinks this is OOC, lemme tell you. So do I. But then, after I wrote this, I realized what sort of circumstances I put them through, and thought that maybe, just maybe, that would've been enough to change them.

So... what sort of circumstances did I put them through? Well, you should be able to guess, right? Though this might seem like a small part of a bigger plot, but this is still a oneshot. Feel free to use the idea.

You guys probably think this shouldn't be rated as humor, but I kinda found it funny. (Blame it on my insanity) And... even if it isn't 'humorous,' I think the next chaps will be.

Next chaps will also be oneshots, independent chaps. Each has no relation to the past and next. Next one will probably be HaruKyon, though. And longer. With less swearing.

If you have time... it wouldn't hurt to review right? *winks*