Puck's Diary -Entry ONE- "She Belongs With Me"
It's not hard to realize that I have feelings for Quinn Fabray. Even she can see that I'd do anything for her. Of course Finn is Clueless, no matter how many hints are dropped in his lap...he'll remain clueless till someone decides to fess up. It was so frustrating having to deal with the secret everyday. I'd spilled in front of Mercedes and luckily she isn't the type to gossip...she even told me to back off, but I can't do that. I want Quinn to be happy, but I know she'd be happy with me. Atleast happier than she is right now, lying to Finn every day.
She's just so frustrating sometimes, I could SCREAM. I just want to be able to hold her and tell her that we'll get through this, but Finn is ALWAYS around. I can never seem to get in a word edgewise without him showing up. Watching them leave together like nothing is wrong is the equivalent to having my heart nailed to a railroad spike. I can tell the situation is hurting her too. So why can't she just tell him already? He'll deal, if I knew Finn he'd be ecstatic that he wouldn't have to deal with everything anymore. I'm not sure he'd be so happy with me...but I really don't care. I just want Quinn to tell him so it'll be over with, and we can all move on. Just keeping it hidden away in a tiny little box is not helping anyone.
Coach told us today that we should visualize a touchdown every time we get on the field...to know what you want and TAKE it. It made me think that maybe I should just tell Finn. I know Quinn would be upset if I did, but maybe she'd thank me eventually. It sure beats watching her with him everyday...watching them gush over each other from a distance. I don't think I'd be able to stand them giggling at a daughter that's mine and not his. It'll hurt too much.
Maybe I should back off for awhile, maybe it'll eat at her so much that she'll have to tell him. I don't know what to do. I can't help the way I feel about her. From the moment I met her I felt sparks and it's so hard to explain when you're just a child, still dealing with cooties and new experiences. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to those moments. Then I didn't have to deal with being the father of a baby that will be growing up not knowing that she's mine.
It hurts that we have such great moments...a few that have led to even greater moments and she still won't admit that we have something. What we have is even stronger than anything she has for Finn. Why can't she see that? I would do absolutely anything for her and I mean ANYTHING. Legal and not. Whatever it takes to support the woman that I love. Yeah I said it, LOVE. And I'm not ashamed of that fact. I may be a jock that has teased, taunted and treated nerds like they were dirt but I can love...besides, I don't do those things anymore. I've changed....I know she would want me to.
And she's noticed atleast a little bit. She even told me she didn't think I was a LIMA loser or an egghead anymore...and that I was romantic. God that made me feel so good hearing that come out of her mouth, I'd been waiting for her to just say it for so long that it felt amazing just to hear it out loud.
Moving on would be impossible for me right now. I tried it before. I tried to set my sights on a "jewish girl" as my mom wanted...but Rachel and I just didn't work out because we're both in love with two unattainable Glee members. Hey maybe I could tell Rachel and ask her what I should do. She may be annoying, but sometimes she actually has good advice. She knows what it's like to obsess over someone that's obviously unavailable. But then again, I thought Mercedes would be supportive but she just told me I should hold myself together and let them deal with everything because she picked him. That got me angry...she doesn't even know how much I do for Quinn on a daily basis. Of course I'd be there for her no matter what. I definitely have more balls than Finn, that's for sure.
I'm not much for showing my emotions through writing...but I figured it would help. I mean it does for other people right? It's better than venting by stuffing a freshman in the locker and throwing Kurt in the dumpster or even locking Artie in a porter potty. So for now, I'm choosing to vent through a journal...even though it's mostly a thing girls do. I bet Finn has one though, especially after finding out Quinn was pregnant. His journal is probably filled with entries. Huh, it wouldn't be a bad idea to just casually drop this journal into Finn's locker and have him read it. I could just tell Quinn I got my locker number confused...she wouldn't hate me too bad if I did that. I'd tell her about it not being an accident eventually...after the whole situation cooled down. She wouldn't be mad then.
It definitely feels good to let everything out...even if I can't tell the whole school. It even felt good to tell Mercedes. Just to have someone else know the secret was nice...I just wish I could let her know what was going on beyond that, what I was feeling and how I'd do anything to support Quinn. She just didn't give me a chance to. We had to work on her duet anyway...so I'm glad I didn't press the issue. Schue wouldn't be happy if we hadn't practiced at all. We have to kill at sectionals.
I have to do this more often. I already feel a huge weight lifted from my shoulders with every word my hand scrawls. Who knew a jock like me would be writing out his emotions? If you had told me a few months ago that I would be writing in a journal I'd kick your ass. I'm glad I changed though, it's liberating. I'll admit I'm still a hothead and stubborn as hell...but I'm gonna try to show my softside a little more. Quinn needs to see that part of me.
Because she belongs with me, and that's a fact! I'll make her see it...even if I have to risk telling Finn. She has to know I love her and that she loves me, even if she won't admit it. I see the way she looks at me...it's the same way that I look at her. Even an idiot like Finn can tell that we have something. Well anybody smarter than Finn anyway....he's still too wrapped up in his own situation...he can't even tell what's going on around him. When he walked in on us in the home ec room I thought instantly he'd be able to tell that we had had a moment...but he was still in the clouds. God it was so frustrating being so close to touching her lips again and to be interrupted by the person that was making me angry in the first place...I felt so invisible. Like a monkey in the middle...obviously a part of the game, but not being noticed as the MVP.
And having to deal with it everyday is maddening. I want so badly to console the girl that I have defloured...that has been my first, belive it or not, that it's enough to make me go crazy. I'm all about taking one for the team...but this is way more complicated than that. I feel like I'm in one of those crazy Soap Operas that can turn into Jerry Springer episodes at any moment. It's like living on eggshells twenty-four SEVEN. Entertaining to the outside observer...but very hard for the one who's having to live through it. Nobody knows just how torn I feel, how QUINN feels. Heck even how Finn feels. He shouldn't have to feel torn, it's not his baby. But Quinn wants to uphold her image, which I don't understand at all. I'm a jock too....what kind of image is she trying to uphold?
Ugh, I don't even want to blame her. I want to blame myself for making Quinn go through this. If I had just kept it in my pants like Mercedes said, Quinn wouldn't be struggling so much. She got kicked off the Cherrios because of me, out of her home. It's all my fault. Finn was bound to break up with her if she hadn't been pregnant. I could see how he was pining over Rachel before Quinn announced her pregnancy. All I know is, Quinn and I belong together...and it hurts so much to deal with the fact that we're not.
That'll change soon, I hope. I might not do it tomorrow or the next day...but one of these days I'm gonna get so frustrated that I'm just gonna have to tell Finn. I know it's not what she wants or atleast what she says she wants...but I can't live a lie...or watch others live a lie. I need to speak up if I want a future with Quinn...I have to.
-Noah(Puck)Puckerman