Disclaimer: Look here, Look good kids- This is the only time this pops up in this story. X-men is not mine. Loaded weapon is not mine. They belong to Marvel and National Lampoon respectively. Arcane, Doggy, Danny, Herman, Kally, Hezibah the hyena and Dexroth belong to me.
A Parody of a parody!
Loaded weapon 1: Evo style
Yes, ladies and gents, I'm jumping on the bandwagon of parodies. May I introduce my nararrator, Rahne!
Rahne: Thanks a bunch!
Arcane: How did THAT happen?
Rahne: Well, besides the whole Doggy thing, Beck actually does like me.
Arcane: No accounting for her tastes.
Rahne: HEY!!!!
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A red convertible jets through the street. It has a white stripe, and a cloud of smoke following it.
Scott: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY CAR?
Rahne: You should be glad it's in this parody!
It screams across an intersection, avoiding crashing with several drivers.
Kitty: Crazy freakin' driver!
It screeches to a halt in front of Halim's mini-mart. Someone steps out wearing cowboy boots. He drops a cigarette and stomps it out. He then drops a cigar and steps on it. Then he drops a pipe and crushes it.
Hoppy the non-smoking bunny: It's bad to smoke kids!
Rahne: Lunchtime!
Hoppy: Aiee!
He walks towards the doors and opens them. Quick view change to the front, a little smoke and a spotlight from who know where-
Forge: *waves arm*
-revealing the insane driver to be none other than St. John Allerydace, aka Pyro, in the role of Seargent Colt!
John: YES!!!!!!!!!
Rahne: Considering the role I guess it fits. Are you ready?
The store is full of…stuff. Colt gets in line after a father and his son walk out. They are carrying a six thousand ounce Super chug.
Jamie: Yay!
Logan: *grumble*
First counter manager(who oddly, enough, looks remarkably like Roberto): *Says something in arabic*
Colt: What the hell was that?!
Sam (has on a nifty little badge that says translator.): Hello, hello. How are you? Nice weather we are having today. Hey, why do I have to be the translator?
Rahne: Get on with the story!
Colt: Nice weather? You think we're having...NICE weather? I guess you didn't lose the only thing that meant anything in your life. I guess you don't feel burned out by the human misery perpetrated by the criminal vermin that infest every pore of this decaying city, forcing you to guzzle cheap wine and cheaper whisky, to dull the pain that shatters your heart and rips at your soul and keeps your days forever gray.
*Pauses* What flavor icy you got today?
Roberto: Kiwi-cherry
Sam: Kiwi-cherry
Colt: yuck.
Pietro: Wow he did that whole thing without setting somebody on fire!
Rahne: Hey! Get back stage!
Colt walk over to the freezers and grabs a burger. He puts it into the microwave.
Remy: *somewhere backstage* No! Don't let him near the microwave!
Rahne: Will somebody shut that Cajun up!
While the burger microwaves, Colt looks at the magazine racks. He picks up the Planner magazine. He turns a couple pages, and five or six little advertisment cards fall out. He turns a few more and about fifteen fall out. He then finds the centerfold (while about thirty more cards drop out).
Colt: Oh Baby. Flamethrower of the month.
As he folds the centerfold back into the magazine, security cameras begin to look over his shoulder. One raises up directly right behind him. He looks at them, and they quickly look away.
Pyro: Are they supposed to do that?
Rahne: Hey!
Two punks walk in. They stop by a pantyhose rack and both grab one. They walk up to the counter.
Punk1 (who is Ray): This is embarrassing.
Punk2 (Evan): Yeah…
Rahne: SAY YOUR LINES!
Ray: Excuse me.
Roberto: Yes?
Ray: *holds up pantyhose* Do you have any of these in dope?
Roberto: No dope. Beef jerky.
Ray: And you call this a convenience store? *pulls pantyhose out of the container and puts it on his head. Evan follows suit. Then they pulled out shotguns that magically appear out of nowhere.*
Evan: open up the cash register or I'll splatter your brains!
Colt: *steps out of pile of postcard advertisements.* You scuzzballs mind if I join in?
He pulls out a pistol and starts shooting. Evan and Ray run into the aisles. Colt ducks down by the pantyhose rack.
Ray: I told you we should have auditioned for cop parts.
Evan: Well, look at it this way- There's so many people wandering around in this movie, we're bound to get a better role!
Ray: Before or after we get shot by the pyro who shouldn't be allowed to have a gun?!
Rahne: Quiet on the set you two!
Colt looks at the store in what appears to be night-vision, only to have toilet paper rolls up to his face like goggles.
Pyro: A good actor can make the audience believe they are night-vision goggles.
He then runs into an aisle with Manly-mann natural juice. Evan jumps into the aisle behind him with a tommy-gun (courtesy of the prop department) and shots through the juice cans. Right in the *AHEM* Lower part of the man on the can. Colt catches the liquid in a Styrofoam cup. Evan jumps into the asile Colt was just seconds before, shooting up the freezers of beer.
Pyro: MUWAHHAHAHAH! It's Miller time!
Ray: OO, Lunatic.
Colt pops up a few aisles away, and shoots behind him using a mirror. Which takes out everything except the bad guys. The bad guys shoot back at him. The storeowners are screaming and yelling.
Pyro: Do we have a translation for that?
Sam: You don't want to know.
Ray and Colt jump into an aisle and begin shooting. They stop when they realize that they are standing right next to each other and hitting absolutely nothing. They jump different ways. Evan jumps in and takes out the pantyhose display with the tommy gun.
Evan: That's what you get for only being in beef jerky!
Sam and Roberto take out their weapon-a flamethrower. They torch a bunch of jiffy pop popcorn containers.
Pyro: WAIT! I want the flamethrower.
Rahne: I think not. We've had problems with that already.
Ray pulls out a rocket launcher and takes out a Bud Light display.
Ray: Kick the habit, kids.
Colt has somehow built himself a fort out of kitty litter. Evan starts shooting at it with the tommy gun, when Colt pop out behind it with an army automatic, complete with long belts of bullets. He let's loose.
Pyro: MAKE MY DAY!!!!!!
They hit the front window they happened to be convieniently standing in front of. They fall, and fall, do this happy flip thing, twist, flip, ad twist-
Colt: *sipping slurpy and looking at watch*
They do one more flip and fall to the ground. Colt stands over them and points his gun at Ray.
Colt: I know what you're thinkin' You're did he fire one hundred seventy-three times, or one hundred seventy-four? Well? Do you fell lucky? Punk?
Ray is about to say something, but a microwave bell goes off. Colt's burger is done.
Pyro: Wow, that's right on time!
He opens the microwave. The burger is burnt, nasty, and otherwise uneatable.
Sam and Roberto: *Screaming Arabic obscenities at him*
Colt: *gestures to microwave* You guys gotta get that thing fixed.
Sam and Roberto: *Still Yelling*
Colt: *grins and waves them away* I know, I know, don't thank me. I'm just a cop, doing his job.
He walks out of the store, which is in complete ruin with spots of fire still leaping up.
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Heheeh. I love this movie. I know I'll probably never be able to do it justice, but I had to do a parody. I've been wanting to do this forever.
Review please! I like to know what people think!