Sorry for not updating for a few days. My sister and brother in law have been here this past week so I'm kind of busy right now.
Denial
Morgan: It wasn't real. Reid couldn't be dead. He couldn't handle losing someone like Reid. It couldn't be real, because if it was that meant that he should be dead too. Someone as young as Reid shouldn't have died such a horrible death.
No..He wasn't dead. They DID get there in time and Reid was just hiding from him. Playing a sick twisted joke. He's laughing his ass off in his apartment...but deep down Morgan knew that Reid wouldn't do that. He didn't have that sick sense of humor.
But if he didn't have that kind of humor then...no...Reid's not dead.
He'll come in work tomorrow and apologize for scaring them like that.
Morgan nodded. Yes that's what's going to happen.
Tomorrow everything will be normal. Tomorrow Reid won't be dead.
Hotch: It was his fault. All of it. For sending the kid on the mission and for not finding him in time. For not saving him in time. That was twice Reid was kidnapped, the second time luck couldn't save Reid.
What was he talking about? Reid wasn't dead. No...that little reassurance made him feel better as he laid in his bed. No, Reid was not dead. If that happened the team would fall apart.
No, Reid was alive and they would see him again tomorrow. He was sure of it.
After all, Reid couldn't die...could he?
Of course he couldn't
Garcia:
She couldnt' stop sobbing. She was crying even though she was drianed of her tears.
And yet her shoulders wouldn't stop shaking and she wouldn't stop gasping for breath.
Then suddenly she stopped, and smiled. She felt foolish.
Wait, why was she crying over nothing? Reid wasn't dead, silly! He was very much alive. He was just playing with them. They'd laugh about it tomorrow. No, first she'd slap him along the head. Then they'd laugh.
And then she'd hit him again. She nodded to herself.
Reid wasn't dead. He had just vanished for a while. Played a mean joke on them. He wanted to see their reactions if he were to die.
She smiled at herself in the mirror and wiped her tear stained cheeks.
Feeling better she curled up on her bed and waited for tomorrow to take the pain away.
JJ:
She had finished sobbing onto Will's shoulder. Finally she was holding Henry. Holding something so alive and so innocent made her feel better. Made her feel more human.
Tears still cascaded down her cheeks and fell on Henry's blanket. Henry gurgled softly. She gave him a wobbly smile.
No...She refused to believe her baby's Godfather is dead.
She refused. Spence was alive. He just had to be...otherwise the pain was just...it would be too much. It would swallow her whole.
So becuase of that Reid was alive. He wouldn't do that to her. He wouldn't leave and die.
He wouldn't abandon her like that.
No, Reid was alive, it was just that everyone else thought he was dead.
Emily:
She didn't know why everyone was so upset. This wasn't real, after all. Something this awful couldn't have happened to Spencer Reid, sorry Dr. Spencer Reid.
Of course not. The idea was crazy.
No, she did not see Reid's body...all covered in blood. That was just some crazy hullication.
No, Reid was alive...he was just gone...but no he wasn't dead.
He couldn't be dead.
Rossi:
He must be sick or something, having these hallucinations. Like the hallucinations of Reid covered in blood, his body stabbed to death...That wasn't real.
He didn't know the kid as well as the others but NO one deserved that kind of death...and all the torture that came beforehand...no...Reid wasn't dead. He just...wasn't.
It was illogical for Reid to be dead. He couldn't fathom it.
He couldn't imagine going to work without the kid there.
Reid was alive.
He just had to be.
Anger
Morgan: Goddamn it! He was still gone at work. It was real. He hated to admit it, but it was real. Dr. Spencer Reid, not even 30, died. And not just died, but died a HORRIBLE death filled with pain and fear.
Tears spilled from him.
He should have gone to that place, not Reid. He stared at the bottle, hating it, hating the world.
Hating the UnSub, but most of all he hated himself. He hated himself for not being able to save his best friend. For not being there when Reid needed him the most.
He was also furious that someone like Reid had to die.
It just didn't make sense!
Nothing made sense.
Why live in a world filled with so much evil and hate?
Why live at all if Reid couldn't?
Goddamn it, he wished the Unsub wasn't dead.
Killing the sonofabitch all over again wouldn't bring back Reid.
But it would sure as hell feel good.
Hotch:
He hated himself, so much. It was HIS fault Reid died! He was responsible for the kid. He should never have let Reid gone to such a dangerous place.
And afterwards he should have saved Reid in time. But he didn't.
HE should be dead, not Reid.
He drowned himself in liquir. He couldn't stand to look at himself without smashing the mirror.
He wanted to kill himself now more than ever, but right now the team needed him. He couldn't be selfish anymore.
He'll just hate himself silently forever and never forgive himself.
Dr. Spencer Reid's death was his fault. He'll never let himself forget that.
Never.
Garcia:
She felt so angry at herself! At the world. At the UnSub. She didn't understand why such cruel people exsisted.
She hated her job. Why does she even work there when all she sees is death? And now Reid is dead...she just doensn't see the point anymore.
Maybe there never was one.
But right now she was so angry she couldn't focus.
She just wanted the anger to go away. And the pain.
She wanted to be Garcia again, but knew she never could.
JJ:
She screamed outside and cursed at the sky.
How could he leave her like that? How could he leave Henry? The team?
She hated Reid so much for leaving and then hated herself for hating the kid when he did nothing wrong.
She was so confused.
She hated everyone and everything.
Nothing made sense anymore. She hated that most of all.
Would things ever make sense again? Would this piercing hate ever go away?
Emily:
She was angry at everyone for saying Reid was dead.
She was angry at Reid FOR being dead, and she she was furious at herself for not being able to save Reid.
She hated the UnSub so much she wished he would burn in hell. She couldn't believe something so cruel could happen to Reid and the fact that it could made him hate him even more.
She hated the world for it's cruelity, for taking Reid away.
If there was a God he was a mean and hateful one and she is determined not to have anything more associated with him.
After all only a monster would kill someone as young and innocent as Reid.
Rossi:
So much hatred in the world, and anger. Including what he felt himself. He hated that he felt that, though. Hated that those feelings existed.
He was angry that such evil could exsist.
That such evil took something so innocent away from him.
He was angry at what the death was doing to the team.
He wanted to kill the UnSub, but everyone did. Yet he knew that wouldn't bring Reid back.
But he still wanted to make someone pay. Because maybe if that happened this feeling would go away.
Maybe he wouldn't be so angry anymore and hate everything.
Maybe, just maybe, he could go back to being him again.
He doubted it though.
Bargaining
Morgan:
Maybe, if he begged hard enough he'd go back in time and save Reid. Or he'd be taken instead.
Yes, please bring Reid back and take himself instead. He stared at the sky. If there was God now would be the time to prove it.
All he wanted was for Reid to come back, he'd do anything for that.
Anything.
Hotch:
Maybe God would be willing to grant him mercy and bring Reid back. Then he could stop hating himself. Then things would go back to normal.
Then Reid would be alive. That's all that mattered to him. Getting Reid back.
If he had to die for that to happen so be it.
It'd be a small price to pay.
If he was so willing to do it, why wasn't anything happening?
Why wasn't this God person listening?
Garcia:
She'd do ANYTHING to have Reid back. She do whatever it took. She hated seeing the team, especially Morgan, in this state.
Things were awful at work.
Each day she prayed to God to return their Reid back.
Let Reid be that amazing miracle the world needed at the moment.
That THEY need at the moment.
Really, she'd do anything to get him back.
All God had to do was tell her what that was, and she'd do it
So why wasn't he saying anything?
JJ:
She couldn't afford to lose Reid.
She knew God heard it all before but really she'd do anything. She'd even trade her life and have Henry grow up without a mother if Reid could come back.
Really, she would! She'd do it in an instant.
So why wasn't it happening? Why were things still the same?
Why?
Emily:
Okay, she decided on something. She wouldn't turn her back on God if he fixed his mistake. If he admitted he made one and returned Reid all would be forgiven.
That seemed fair enouh.
She'd accept him if he gave her Reid back.
She waited and waited.
It was days later and Reid was still dead.
She had a feeling that was going to be the case but she still had to try, for Reid's sake.
Rossi:
He didn't know what to do but whatever it took he'd do it.
He'd be willing to do whatever he had to do to get Reid back and to make the team like it was.
He really would.
He just didn't know what he had to do because God wasn't exactly in the talking mood right now.
But is he ever?
Depression
Morgan: He didn't want to do anything. He just wanted to sit in a corner and drink his life away.
He didn't want to think, breathe or live without Reid. What was the point without him? What was the point of any of it? Why were they here? To suffer?
He collapsed on the bed and closed his eyes. He didn't plan on getting up...ever.
To hell with everything, especially himself.
Hotch: He didn't want to go to work, but he would. He dragged himself there and was lifeless during the day. That was okay, they all were. No more talking or cracking jokes. They were all zombies. Like him.
He drifted through the days, going through the motions but not turning off all the feelings. It was better that way. They were numb, he was numb.
He didn't care about anything anymore. He wasn't sure if he even cared about life.
What was so great about it when someone like Reid couldn't live it?
He just wanted to vanish. He just wanted it all to end.
Garcia:
She didn't answer the phone in her chirpy self anymore. She never laughed, giggled. Kevin was worried, she could tell.
But she didn't care. She didn't even smile around Morgan.
To hell with everyone and this cruel place.
She just wanted to sit in a corner and weep.
She couldn't cry enough these days.
There weren't enough tears to express the grief she was experiecing.
So no one could know what it was really like, what she was really feeling.
And she was glad. She just wanted to be by herself, in this dark abyss and not let anyone in. It hurt too much to care.
After all sooner or later they will all leave you.
And you will wind up alone, always.
JJ:
She had stopped going to work. She had stayed in her dark bedroom. The shades were down and the blanket was over her face. She heard Will taking care of Henry. He had been amazing through all this but she didn't have enough energy to thank him. She didn't have enough energy for anything. She didn't want to see the sun again. It reminded her too much of happiness. She wasn't sure if she ever wanted to see it again.
She was perfectly fine in her dark corner where no one could see her. Where she couldn't get hurt.
She just wanted to do nothing. Nothing just didn't seem important to her now.
Maybe they never were.
So why ever leave this bed?
It's not like it would bring Reid back, so what was the point?
Emily:
She didn't want anythign to do with the world. She didn't talk to anyone. She never smiled. She was a robat. A part of it was shock and a part of it was all these other emotions inside of her.
She didn't know what to feel so she didn't feel anything at all. That was easier. To turn it all off.
Become lifeless.
After all what was the point of living if Reid couldn't live too?
Why bother trying at all? It will only give you pain and misery at the end.
It wasn't worth it. Non of it was.
Rossi:
He hated feeling so depressed at the time. Seeing the others in the same state made it worse.
He hated going to work. He wanted to lie in bed and forget about his career. It wasn't important to him. There will always be an UnSub they didn't catch. There will always be evil.
They don't help, not really. They don't make any difference because if they did they would have been able to save Reid. But they couldn't. So why should he try to save people when most of them die?
Was it really worth all that pain and suffering?
He was begining to think he didn't.
Everything was so damned confusing now. He wished things could go back like they were. But they'd never be the same again.
Ever.
That made things even more depressing-if that was possible.
Acceptance
Morgan: He decided to leave the apartment and go for a walk. He watched the kids jumprope on the streets and smiled. There was still life here...Still some innocence int he world.
He soaked in the sun.
He was tired of being so angry and depressed all the time. He wanted to move on, but he wasn't sure how.
Could he really live without Reid? He could at least try...Reid would want him to try.
So he would...for Reid...even if he wasn't sure if he could. But at least he was attempting it...and that was better than nothing, right?
Hotch: He knew this wasn't what Reid would have wanted for him. And he knew he couldn't ever forgive himself...but maybe...maybe he could pull himself together, for the team.
The team needed him right now and he wasn't acting like himself. Maybe things would get better if he did. If he smiled more.
Could he smile more with Reid being dead? That might be a bit much but he could act more alive aorund them.
Yes, he'll at least do that. For Reid and the team, and...that's a start, right?
Garcia:
She thought about quitting her job but knew she couldn't. Reid wouldn't want her to. He'd hate her if she did that. She talked to him every night, even though he never responds. Makes her feel less alone. For some reason it helps. To think that he might be listening. If he is, though, he wouldn't be happy with what was happening. She had to try and change and move forward a bit, for him.
But she could never ever ever forget Reid. Ever.
But she could move forward...If she really tried.
Then maybe, just maybe, she could laugh again.
She sure did miss laughing.
JJ:
The baby was crying and Will was in the bathroom. Mother instincts took over and JJ dragged herself to the nursey. She picked up Henry for the first time in weeks. She stared at his scruntched up face, as if remembering it. She rocked him back and forth. He began to calm down. She couldn't stop staring at him. She sat in the rocking chair and sang softly to him.
Something in her brightened.
How could she have thought about forgetting about Henry? About everything? She had to try and move on, and accept what had happened. Not just for Reid but for her family. For the future.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered to Henry, tears running down her face. "So sorry." She looked up and saw Will leaning against the doorway while smiling. For the first time in months she slowly smiled back.
It felt good.
Emily:
There was a change in the air. People moved differently, responded with a bit more life. Maybe they were moving on...she wasn't sure if she was ready but she didn't want to stay behind.
But maybe she could think about it. No harm in thinking.
It would sure feel good to stop feeling like this.
She was wondering if it was time to stop.
Maybe it was...Maybe it was finally ready to accept.
If she couldn't do it she could at least try...for Reid, as well as for the team.
Rossi:
He noticed things were different in the BAU. It was more barable. Not as much laughter But it was feeling like people were alive instead of robotic. He liked that. He should start doing that too.
But if they all moved forward they weren't forgetting Reid. Far from it. They were doing what they had to do, to make sure something like this never happens to another person.
That's what Reid would want, to continue stopping the evil.
He stood at the grave of young Dr. Spencer Reid with the rest of the team. He was the last one to place the flowers on the gravestone and the last one to take those steps forward, but he did it. Better late than never.
They all stood there looking at the grave in silence. Finally they turned and walked slowly towards the sunrise, each silently saying their goodbye.