Ah, five hours of putting off my AP English Summer homework. Yay for Jack/Ianto. I think it may have gotten a bit out of character or maybe a lot, I dunno - but I always picture Ianto as a bit of a firecracker waiting to explode, emotion wise. Just to forewarn the little rant part. And I totally made up all this back history stuff; I've no idea on any of it. Halfway through it gets a bit wishy-washy, because I ended up falling asleep and then made a mad dash to get the rest of my thoughts down on paper. And I had a bit of trouble, because I started thinking differently - so the direction of it changed. Arg, it sucked. But anywho! Angst and such, horrah nyah nyah. Without a beta or checking it over the only time I've reread it is to do a quick edit upon typing it up. Dun dun duuun. Starts first person Ianto, then jumps to third person. Be warned.
Such a man has a double existence:
He may suffer misery and be overwhelmed by disappointments, yet,
When he has retired into himself,
He will be like a celestial spirit,
That has a halo around him,
Within whose circle no grief of folly ventures.
-Frankenstein
It's ironic, how you think I don't know, when in fact you're the one who doesn't know. I don't blame you: it's my personality, to be seen but unseen - to be underestimated. But a part of me had hoped, just a little, that when I went from part-time shag to something a bit more complicated, you'd understand. I'm a lot like you, Jack - and maybe that's why I lose control and slip up sometimes, when something happens about you. Maybe that's why I didn't mind being a fuck-buddy hobby.
You're a complete enigma. No one knows who you are, what you are, your past, your emotions. I rather pride myself on observational skills, though. How do you think I managed with that Cyberwoman who consumed Lisa? I watched all of you, from behind the scenes, and planned. No one suspected anything of me. And you don't really suspect I'm spying on you; but I do. When the others leave and I wander around picking up after them, you let your guard down. And I don't think it has anything to do with trust or the other complicated on-and-off sex-relationship sort of things, because this has happened since I was given a job here.
And I'll watch, out of the corner of my eye, when you lean back in your chair at your desk and close your eyes. I notice that far off melancholy stare when you drift off into your memories. You've cried before, too; you've swept things off your desk in a held-back, nonchalant anger. You ache from what you've had to endure silently.
Alone.
Yet you're Captain Jack Harkness. You've got a reputation for flirting with anything that's alive. All humanities little quirks amuse you and make you laugh. The simple things we enjoy and take for granted make you smile. Ever optimist, stubborn, impossible Jack. Never afraid, always charming; never hurt, perfectly fine.
Perfectly good.
It is better to be happy
For a moment and
Be burned up with beauty
Than to live a long time
And be bored all the while…
-The Lesson of the Moth
I've wondered what I dress myself back up and make myself back into that professional tea-boy role after sleeping with you, why you never get close to anyone. You reason it's because you're immortal, and thus it's unfair to the person because you'll never grow old, and you'll outlive them all.
But I wonder…
"Suzie said that all there is is darkness. That we have nothing but our memories of life in the end. And she wanted that more than anything in the world." Jack looked up in surprise as Ianto handed him a midnight cup of coffee. The others had left earlier, going home to enjoy their evening doing whatever it was they did outside of Torchwood. Only Ianto, cleaning and organizing to make their group run smoothly, had stayed behind. And here he stood, before Jack's desk, staring without anger or sadness. It was more an air of forthright air of discussion.
Jack sipped from his cup, waiting for him to continue. It was rare - very rare - for Ianto to speak his mind. Considering everything Ianto had been through, everything the young man had buried within himself, Jack was at a total loss as to where the conversation would be going. A knot of dread wound itself within him at this unknown prospect.
"I really did love her, you know. She had that carefree, spontaneous personality. She always looked at things optimistically, and would go about making things better in a sort of bold, irrational way. It rubbed off on me, a bit - I asked her out for coffee, even though we met there every once in a while anyway. But, this was more of an official date, you know? So we somehow got onto this odd topic of favorite quotes. One of her favorite sayings was 'live life with no regrets' - that was her life motto, you know. Lisa - she was Lisa, but that cyber thing consumed her mind, and it wasn't Lisa when that body died." Ianto paused from his blunt tirade momentarily, side-tracking as his thoughts jumbled.
"Yan -"
"I outlived her," Ianto cut off, turning around. "And I wondered if it was all worth it. I brought Lisa into Torchwood One, after all. She studied medically; she could have had a wonderful life outside of all this. It's my fault she ended up like that, in one way or another. I could have wiped her memory, I could have broken it off with her, I could have never involved myself with her. Because I knew, so very, very clearly, how dangerous my bloody job was. I knew I was putting her at a high risk. I knew it could kill her. But I - I thought about that saying, and how she took everything that ever happened as some blessed opportunity for the better, even if it ended up being more of a bad outcome than good."
A heavy silence fell between the two. Slowly, Ianto turned back around, gazing straight into Jack's eyes.
My cousin, he took me out on a sled
And I was frightened. He said, Marie,
Marie, hold on tight. And down we went.
In the mountains, there you feel free.
-The Waste Land Burial of the Dead
Jack set the mug on the desk. Steam rose in lazy strings, blurring the lines of seen and unseen as it drifted in the space between the two.
"I know what you want, Ianto. But I can't. It's not fair to you. You deserve someone who can grow with you; who can die with you - "
Coffee splattered everywhere as the cup collided with the floor, shards splintering into a sea of chaos.
"What am I to you, Jack?" Ianto questioned, tears burning in his eyes. "Your fucking toy?"
"No! I'd never - "
"Then what, Jack! What?" Blue eyes flashed with fury. "You seem to think no one understands the untouchable, immortal Jack Harkness. But I do, and you know I do. That scares you, Jack - that's why no one knows about you, why you push people away. You don't want to commit to anything emotional. You're so fucking selfish! You act like you're a fucking god! But all you are is a coward," Ianto fumed.
"What the hell do you want from me, Ianto?" Jack growled in frustration, glaring lividly. "What the hell am I supposed to do? I can't love you - "
"Why not, Jack? Because it's so terribly unfair to me? I think I can be the judge of myself." Silence fell, thick tension hanging in the air, suffocating them in anger. A light bulb went off in his mind. Ianto sighed, shaking his head as he dusted off his sleeves and straightened his shirt.
"That's just your excuse though. The real problem is how unfair it is to you. I outlived all those people close to me, when I shouldn't have - and that's what will happen to you, until the universe ends. But think of it: doesn't that mean you'll eventually die, Jack? If the universe ends, nothing exists. Nothing but that darkness, and memories. You'd be like the rest of us, Jack."
I am never away from you. Even now,
I shall not leave you. In another world,
I shall still be the one who loves you, loves you
Beyond measure, beyond -
-Cyrano de Bergerac Act Five
"Forgive me sir. I have overstepped my boundaries. I have been insubordinate and - "
"I'd only be able to give you memories worth your forever. I can't give you my forever. That's why it isn't fair to you. That's why I shouldn't love you." Jack stood up, his gaze never wavering from Ianto's eyes. Eyes that were the windows to the soul; eyes that pierced the soul; in the eyes of the beholder.
The professionalism faltered from the Welsh man's role, the polite and proper butler of Torchwood tempted to fade away. Ianto smiled, letting the façade drop back once more. Again, it was just him and Jack, not Tea-boy and The Captain. Just Ianto and Jack. For that moment, time stopped. Ianto flew into Jack's arms, hugging him tightly as if he'd never let go. Jack wrapped his arms around Ianto's waist, not wanting to ever let go.
"I know you can't give me your forever. I don't care. I just want to love you for as long as I can, without second-guessing whether or not I'm loved back. I want to have my forever filled with memories of you. I want to give you everything I can give you. I want to give you memories that you can keep for your forever. I don't want you to leave me, because I love you." Tears slid down Ianto's face, and Jack gently brushed them away.
He tilted Ianto's face upward, pulling him into a bruising kiss. Their tongues intertwined, not in a fight for dominance but in an instinctive need to give their compassion, their affection, their devotion to one another.
When they pulled away, foreheads leaning against another, he smiled gently at him.
"I love you, Ianto Jones. Forever."
Love is, above all, the gift of oneself.
- Jean Anoulh
And now you press the pretty purple button and review? I'll give you cookies - I mean, if Ianto can make such spifftastic coffee, he can certainly make delicious cookies, can't he?
xD
Forgot a disclaimer: Alas, I don't own Torchwood. It's a bit unfortunate, considering how awesomely amazing it is. But we can all borrow characters and dream, right?