Author's Note: Written as a deranged plot bunneh for nonbender7. Enjoy, BB.
The candle flickered dangerously as it burned low, close to the wick. Wax dripped steadily on the table, unnoticed by the young man sitting at it as he pored over a massive text. His lips moved as he read the minuscule script, painstakingly translating each word from the ancient language it was written in.
His gloved finger skimmed the lines of words and paused at a paragraph, scribbled in the margin of the book. Edward Elric pushed back his fringe and scrutinised the handwritten words more carefully.
"Al!" he yelled. "Come here, I think I found something!"
The familiar clanking of iron announced the younger Elric brother's arrival. "What is it, big brother?" he asked.
Edward pushed the book under his brother's nose. "Look, this passage's a note from the previous owner of the book. It talks about portals."
He heaved an irritable sigh when he received no reply from Alphonse. "Okay, you know that there are multiple parallel universes coexisting within the same temporal region but in different dimensions – "
" – Uh, Ed? I don't really get what you're saying."
The older Elric rubbed the twitching vein in his temple. "Fine, idiotspeak it is. Some guy found out how to open passageways between different worlds and realms and wrote the instructions here." He jabbed the page empathetically.
"So this means we can bring Mom back by opening a portal between this world and the world of the dead!"
"Maybe." Edward stood up and walked over to the window. "... I don't know, Al. I don't want something bad to happen again." He clenched his right hand; the fingers made a metallic sound as they moved.
Alphonse moved over and placed a hand on his brother's shoulder. "But do you think it may work?"
Edward inclined his head. "The formulae checks out, there isn't any obivous flaw in the theory... there doesn't seem to be any reason why it won't."
"We should give it a try. What have we got left to lose?"
"... Nothing else but the rest of my limbs!"
"I can't believe we're doing this," grumbled Edward. Carefully, he sketched an equilateral triangle in chalk on the floor, occasionally checking the lengths of the sides with a ruler.
Alphonse's armour's eyes flashed. "We promised we would do whatever it took to bring Mom back." He busied himself with the intricate symbols arranged around the rim of the transmutation circle. Edward looked a little taken aback by his normally timid brother's determination.
Finally, the brothers finished their task and stood back to examine their handiwork.
"Now what?" asked Alphonse.
Edward clasped both hands together. "Stand back." Dropping to his knees, he struck the edges of the circle with both palms. Energy crackled through the ground, arching over the chalk lines and sinking into the centre of the circle, where a crude alchemical representation of an eye was drawn.
Smoke erupted from the entire transmutation circle; Edward fell back, coughing and spluttering. "Big brother!" shouted Alphonse, transmuting the soot in the atmosphere into oxygen.
Both brothers froze comically when they realised there was a third person in the room with them. The huddled figure lay with its back towards them.
"Mom?" ventured Alphonse nervously after a tense silence.
The figure stirred; Edward approached it cautiously, kneeling beside it.
"Big brother, is it – "
The elder Elric yelped loudly and jumped back, his cheeks aflame. "Damn it!"
Alphonse figured the smoke had affected him somehow, despite not needing to breathe; he could have sworn he saw something flash over Edward's ass.
The figure was sitting up now; it was clearly a man. He had Xing features – similar to Ling – with dark hair tied into a small ponytail at the nape of his neck and violet eyes.
Edward leapt to his feet and cursed. "What the hell's wrong with you, you goddamn pervert! You – " He was cut short, completely in shock when the man stood up and seized his hands.
"Excuse me, miss, but would you kindly consider bearing my child?"
"It's not funny!" growled Edward, arms folded as Alphonse – the traitor – related the story to a highly amused Roy Mustang, Kain Fuery, Vato Falman, Jean Havoc and Riza Hawkeye in the military office. "I don't know what kind of monster we summoned from goodness knows where – "
" – I am not a monster." Every head in the room swiveled towards the bound man sitting in a chair in the corner of the room. "I am human. My name is Miroku and I am a monk."
"Monk my ass!" spat Edward – obviously still bearing a grudge against the newcomer. "More like a sick pervert!"
"Hey, it's not my fault! I thought you were a woman because of that braid and your height!"
Roy snickered loudly as the older Elric turned steadily red. "I like this guy already." He turned to a surprisingly composed Riza as in the background, Alphonse tried to stop his brother from transmuting the tied up monk into something else. "Untie him, Lieutenant."
"Colonel, do you think it's safe to let him go free?"
"He looks harmless. In any case, he'll help keep that little runt's head from getting too big." They paused briefly to watch as Edward scrambled over Alphonse's shoulder, managing to transmute the rope into dust and setting Miroku free.
"Oh wait, that saves you the trouble of having to untie him," commented Roy drily as the Fullmetal Alchemist began chasing the monk around the room.
"I'm gonna kill you, you bastard!" shrieked Edward, flailing madly over Alphonse's shoulder like a drowning man. His younger brother clasped one hand to Ed's side to prevent him from using his alchemy. Miroku's eyes darted left and right, searching for a safe place to hide...
... when his gaze fell upon Riza Hawkeye.
Before anyone had realised what was happening, the monk had sidled over. "Fair lady," he declared, seizing both her hands in his, "will you kindly consider bearing my child?"
Time froze in the small room. Breda's jaw dropped; the ash fell off the end of Jean's cigarette; Falman opened his eyes a fraction; Kain's glasses slid unnoticed down his nose; even Edward stopped flailing. Alphonse was the only one unmoved (because understandably, it is hard for a suit of armour to show emotion).
Roy began to swell, sparks crackling at his fingertips. "What did you say, you – "
In a flash, before he could complete that sentence, Riza yanked her hands out of Miroku's and went for her shoulder holster.
A hail of gunshots and several quick reloadings later, the smoke cleared to reveal the monk pressed against the wall, perfectly framed by bulletholes.
Riza calmly blew the smoke from the end of her gun and reholstered it. "I don't think I'd be interested," she said pleasantly, as though she had not practically blown the wall away with shot. "I have my responsibilities in the army, after all."
"... O – okay..." mumbled Miroku. "... you – you remind me of someone I know..."
Jean leaned over to Roy. "I thought she only uses that on animals?"
"Apparently her brand of discipline applies to everything."
The other men in the room were silently grateful they had not tried anything with the lieutenant.
Just then, Roy remembered what he was going to say before he had been interrupted by Riza's violent outburst. The flames rekindled around his fingers as he advanced menacingly on the monk.
"Look here, monk," he began. "I don't care where the hell you popped out from, what the hell you thought you were doing and who the hell you are but nobody asks my woman to bear him his child!"
Another silence fell, punctuated by the thumping sound of Alphonse dropping Edward on the floor. For once in his life, the Fullmetal Alchemist was lost for words.
Roy's face turned as red as one of his fireballs. "I... I meant, my lieutenant. Nobody asks my lieutenant to bear them a child – or do anything else for that matter," he hastily amended.
Riza's cheeks were now a delicate pink – and she avoided making eye contact with her commanding officer.
Miroku looked between them and bowed. "I sincerely apologise. I did not realise the nature of your relationship."
Both soldiers looked completely taken aback.
To break the uncomfortable silence, Roy pointed at the monk's gloved hand. "What's that, monk? Some sort of alchemical tool?"
"It is my family curse," answered Miroku, clearly deciding cooperation was the best way to go. "The Kazaana consumes everything it is faced with. Eventually it will consume me as well if I do not break the curse in time.""
"Show me."
The monk looked up in alarm. "It is not some plaything to be used at will – "
"Do it."
Miroku locked eyes with Roy; neither willing to back down.
Ed lost his temper first. "Just let Mustang satisfy his inner little boy, bastard, so we can get this over with!"
"Language, big brother," chided Al.
Miroku conceded. "As you wish. But I need all of you to stand behind me."
When they had all shifted, he pointed at a piece of loose paper in the far end of the room.
"You don't mind if I use this?" The colonel shook his head; Miroku tossed it over to the far end of the room, making sure there was nothing else loose in the vicinity of the paper.
He pulled off the prayer beads in one quick flourish. "Kazaana!"
Riza gasped; in the centre of the monk's hand was a small black hole which began to roar. Black-purple winds swirled around the enclosed room, greedily tugging at her clothes. Miroku's face was screwed up in concentration, focusing on the paper.
The paper soared into the air and as she watched, vanished completely into his palm. As soon as it was gone, Miroku rewrapped his hand.
"Incredible," Roy breathed. "Where did it go?"
"I have no idea," shrugged the monk.
"How much can this Kazaana consume?"
Miroku frowned. "As much as it needs to." It was evident he did not like the way the conversation was heading.
"Imagine what we could do with a power like that," mused the colonel aloud. "We could put an end to the civil wars once and for all."
"I do not use my Kazaana on people," said the monk coldly.
"You don't say."
400 years ago, somewhere in Japan
"Where the hell is Houshi-sama!" yelled Sango, the point of her short sword digging into Kagura's neck.
The wind witch shot her a most withering look, which was rather impressive considering the situation she was in. "I have no idea, slayer. And be careful with that sword of yours; I may not have a heart, but I do have delicate skin."
The slayer pushed the afore-mentioned blade a little further in, prompting an undignified squeal from Kagura. "Keep pretending you don't know what Naraku's up to and delicate skin won't be a problem any longer."
"So what'll it be, bitch?" asked Inuyasha impatiently, tired of the banter. "My Tetsusaiga or Sango's tender mercies?"
"Fine, I'll tell you everything I know," she spat out and hissed as Sango let go of her abruptly.
"Hurry up, we haven't got all day."
She got to her feet, rubbing her neck and mumbling something incoherent about the proper use of blades before speaking.
"I overhead Naraku saying something about opening and linking portals together," she explained. "And some dimensional shit, I don't know what that means – "
"Portals to other dimensions?" Kagome broke in worriedly. "That almost sounds like one of Souta's cheap science fiction mangas... Never mind, it's nothing," she added upon seeing the identical looks of confusion on everyone's faces.
Kagura snapped her fan shut languidly, enjoying the mixed look of worry on Sango's face. "What, you've lost that perverted monk of yours? Are you sure he was spirited away by Naraku's portal thingy? He could just have run off to the nearest brothel – " The rest of her words were lost when Hiraikotsu stopped an inch away from her throat.
"We were walking when suddenly a vortex opened in the sky and dragged Miroku-sama through," explained Kagome. "The prayer beads on his hand were intact, so we're sure it wasn't the Kazaana."
The wind witch shrugged. "Fine. And – oh wait, I just remembered. Naraku said something about some place called Amestris..."
The young miko's eyes widened. "What – Amestris? Are you sure he said that?"
Sango's and Inuyasha's heads snapped up simultaneously, much like a pair of hunting hounds picking up a scent. "You know that place, Kagome-chan?" asked Sango eagerly.
"Yes – but it isn't real! It's – wait a minute, I think I have it here..." She put down the yellow backpack she was carrying and began rummaging through it, finally pulling out a battered old manga.
"I told Souta to stop leaving his manga lying around the other morning when I was packing the bag, I guess I must accidentally have packed one in here." Kagome held out the book; the front cover featured a pair of strange creatures. One had gold hair and eyes, the other seemed to be an artificial construct of metal.
Inuyasha picked up the battered volume. "Hagane no Renkinjutsushi? What the hell's that?" He poked a claw at the young man with gold eyes. "Is he a youkai or something?"
"No – The point is, Amestris is a place in this manga!" Kagome pointed at the book. "It's not real, it's just a comic!"
"Then what was Naraku talking about opening a portal to that place?"
"I don't know!" She threw up her hands in frustration. "It doesn't exist. Everyone knows it's just the creation of the manga artist Hiromu Arakawa-sensei."
Everyone was silent as they pondered her words.
"So how're we going to get the bouzu back?" said Inuyasha, voicing their thoughts.
Riza's footsteps echoed down the empty corridor. She turned the corner and taking a key out of her pocket, unlocked the heavy metal door at the end of the passageway.
"Houshi-sama? Dinner time," she called.
Miroku stood up, his eyes wide in surprise. "You know my title?"
The lieutenant smiled, handing him the tray of food. "I did a little research. I can't be calling you 'monk' all the time, right?"
He returned the smile, albeit with a more lavicious twist to it. "You can call me anything you like, my dear."
Her smile broadened and she patted the holster at her shoulder. Miroku instantly wilted.
"I'm sorry, please forgive me, but what's your name, Lieutenant-sama?"
"Riza Hawkeye... or just Riza."
He beamed again. "Despite the trouble you went to looking up my title, please call me Miroku."
She watched as he tucked into the food, amused by his momentary fumbling with the unfamiliar utensils, waiting until he had finished eating.
"The other day, you said something about me reminding you of someone..." Riza began.
"Oh! In my world, I travel with my friends on our quest to defeat the hanyou Naraku. He cursed my family with the Kazaana," he said, holding out his right hand. "You remind me of Sango, a demon slayer in my group."
Riza did not miss the look that passed over his face fleetingly when Miroku said Sango's name.
"It sounds like a hard task," she said.
He clenched his hand. "It may very well be impossible, but I have to try," muttered Miroku. "I have to survive, no matter what happens. I need to be there to look out for my friends."
She felt a tug at her heart which she concealed on her soldier's face. "I know what you mean."
A silence fell, broken by the faint rattling as he idly adjusted the prayer beads on his hand.
"The Kazaana," said Riza. "Such destructive power." She firmed her lip, unconciously touching her left shoulder. "With a high price."
He shot her a look of surprise which she did not catch; Riza stared off into space, lost in some old memory.
"... Colonel, are you going to insist on following me everywhere?" asked Riza, a touch of exasperation entering her normally calm voice.
"Safety precautions as per standard military procedure, Lieutenant," answered Roy loudly. "Just in case you might be... ambushed, so to speak. Elric warned me that the monk is highly dangerous, plus he seems to have taken a fancy to you."
"I know that, sir... but I think it wasn't necessary to walk me home. Every single night for the past week."
Roy blinked in surprise. "As I said, Lieutenant, standard military procedure."
She rolled her eyes discreetly. "Yes, sir."
They rounded the corner and came to a halt outside a door. The colonel drew a bunch of keys from his belt and unlocked the door.
Miroku sat cross-legged in one corner of the room, his eyes closed in meditation.
"Monk," said Roy.
"Yes, Colonel?" Miroku got to his feet, maintaining a safe distance from Riza. And her revolver.
"I've asked Central to go over your case and they've found something." Roy took a sheaf of paper out of his jacket. "We think we know how to to open the portal to your world."
The monk blinked. "Really?"
"Apparently, the Elric brothers didn't just open a portal to your world by coincidence; something on your end, uh, drew them to it," Roy said carefully. "Some sort of primitive alchemical force..."
"Naraku," he muttered; Riza was alarmed to see the raw hatred lurking behind his eyes. "He must be behind this."
"Whoever this Naraku person is, he appears to be exceedingly powerful." Roy assumed his commander's pose: arms behind his back, feet planted firmly apart. "Therefore my superiors find it necessary to send an expeditionary force to your dimension to scope out the situation."
The effect was electric. "What?!" exclaimed Miroku.
Riza turned to her superior. "Sir, what are you – ?"
"Brigadier Holstein of Central will be leading the team," continued Roy. "We will be opening the portal tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, nowhere in my orders does it say whether you will be allowed to return. The military might want to look into that hand of yours."
He swept out the door. Riza glanced at Miroku but he lowered his gaze.
Fuming silently, she stormed out the door after her commanding officer. "Colonel, what is this?! Can't you do something – "
Roy pulled a small blue notebook dusty with chalk out of his breast pocket and began consulting it. "This is not up to me to decide. Like I said, Lieutenant Hawkeye, this is a safety precaution – one the higher ups find absolutely imperative," he told her. "They – I – cannot have anything getting in the way."
She was too angry to catch the momentary dangerous flare in Roy's eyes.
A sullen Miroku was led to the chamber; the team of soldiers stood rigidly at the far end, incongruous in the gloomy place. Edward slouched in the far corner, twirling a piece of chalk between his fingers; Alphonse fidgeted nervously, his armour squeaking as he moved.
"Remind me to oil you later," commented his older brother offhandedly.
Alphonse snapped. "Big brother, how can you be so calm? The military is invading Miroku's world and we're helping him!"
Ed flicked the chalk away; it snapped into half cleanly as it hit the stone. "Firstly, Al, that's not an army. It's a handful of soldiers." He pulled out a small blue notebook from his jacket and flipped through the pages. "And secondly, we aren't helping them."
"But we – "
"Fullmetal!" Both Ed and Al stood straight as Roy swept into the dank chamber, hands clasped behind him. Right behind him were a few high ranking generals the brothers vaguely recognized from the Fuhrer's cabinet. "Ready?"
"Yeah." Ed cracked his knuckles and began drawing, making preliminary markings on the smooth stone. After a nudge from his brother, Al followed suit – albeit rather grudgingly.
Riza went over to Miroku, her eyes anxious. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I wish I could do something to stop them."
He reached for her hand, squeezing it reassuringly. "Don't worry, Riza. You did all you could." He looked askance at the curious and hungry stares from the military officers – all save Roy. "I'll have to figure out a way to escape and stop them - no matter what it takes." The unspoken implication hung in the air; the fingers of his gloved right hand twitched a fraction.
The Elric brothers worked fast and soon the intricate circle was complete, numerous arcana intertwined with the lines of the outer perimeter.
"Is it ready, Fullmetal?" asked Brigadier Holstein, a jutting-jawed man with watery blue eyes.
Ed made a big show of consulting the ragged notebook he pulled out of his jacket again; chalk smudged the pages, making them hard to read from far away. "Yeah, it's done," he said at length, snapping the book closed.
"Excellent," said a burly general, his shoulders resplendent with military insignia. "Begin."
The elder Elric clasped both hands together and placed them palm downward on the edge of the circle. As he did, he winked at Al.
The energy crackled along the edges of the transmutation circle, sinking into the rune drawn in the centre with the force of a hurricane. The wind whipped at their clothes and sent their hair flying. With a blinding flash and snap, a shimmering wall of light appeared.
"It's connected," shouted Ed over the gale. Holstein marched forward, a greedy look in his eyes –
"Stop!"
Everyone froze in their tracks. Riza had her revolver out, the end pointed directly at Holstein's head. "Back away now, sir."
"Riza! Don't!" Miroku shouted. The guard nest to him silenced him with a rough punch.
Roy strode forward, planting himself firmly between them. "Put the gun down, Lieutenant Hawkeye."
A muscle tightened in her jaw. "I can't, sir." Her face was completely closed off; one bead of sweat slid down her cheek, betraying the immense tension. "Please step aside."
"I won't let you obstruct military orders and throw away a brilliant career as yours on something as foolish as this," he declared. "Put. The gun. Down."
She could never disobey that determined look in his eyes, nor that tone of voice; grudgingly, reluctantly, the gun muzzle was lowered. Immediately, two guards rushed over and seized her arms.
"Good, Lieutenant," said Roy in a voice so soft she barely heard him. "You did the right thing."
The look of outrage and reproach underlaid with the slightest stirrings of hurt cut him deeper than anything else could but he composed himself and nodded towards the armed men. "Go on, Brigadier."
Cold pale eyes raked over Riza scornfully. "You should keep your subordinates in line, Colonel," remarked Holstein.
Roy inclined his head. "Noted, sir."
With a last sniff, the officer gestured to his men to carry on, preparing to march into the glowing doorway.
As all their attention was fixated on the men, Roy casually sidled over to one corner of the transmutation circle, bending down to admire the inverted six-pointed star drawn there. With the toe of his boot, he surreptitiously erased the middle connecting lines and picking up a discarded piece of broken chalk from the floor, drew in a square in the blank.
The colonel had just finished the amendments when Holstein leapt through the portal with a battle cry. Roy wrinkled his nose. "Ugh. Theatrics."
He then went over to where Miroku stood, his hands bound. The hempen rope was easily incinerated with a flick from Roy's fingers.
"I thought – you – " muttered Miroku under his breath. The other man gave him an ingratiating smile.
"No one invades anywhere without my consent. Besides, my lieutenant seems to have taken a fancy to you." Roy gripped the monk's elbow. "Listen carefully. On my signal, you jump into the portal. Don't worry, the Elric runt knows about this and believe me, he's more than happy to see you go back to where you came from."
"Thank you."
Roy shrugged it off and walked over to the portal; the last of Holstein's men were just disappearing into the breach.
"A new world to conquer for the greater glory of Amestris and our Fuhrer, Mustang," said one of the generals proudly. "And we have this dimensional void in our possession as well. I should mention you and Fullmetal to the Fuhrer for the next promotion list."
"That would be an honour, sir."
Ed closed the portal and walked over to the end directly opposite from where Roy had been drawing earlier, dropping to one knee to erase and draw a few more additions.
Just then, a glittering hole appeared in the ceiling. As every person in the room except for Ed and Roy gaped at it, Holstein and his troop fell through it, landing on the stone floor with numerous sickening crunches and cries of pain. In the confusion, Riza managed to knock out both her captors and ran over to Miroku.
"What the – "
Ed sent the waves of alchemical energy through the floor, activating the portal again.
"Go!" roared Roy.
Miroku ran forward; Riza was momentarily stunned to hear her superior's voice but quickly recovered, covering Miroku as he went. Fortunately, the other soldiers were too wrapped up by the groaning mass of bodies and the general chaos to notice anything amiss.
"Take care, Miroku," said Riza with a faint smile; he returned it. "All the best in your – eeeep!"
Never being one to resist if opportunity knocked, the monk had quickly groped her. He disappeared into the portal with a wave and cheery wink. She fumed for an instant before throwing something after him and coming back.
Ed closed the portal with a small sigh. "Glad that's over with," he said, walking over to Roy. "My notebook, please."
"Your writing's damn near impossible to decipher," complained the colonel, withdrawing the dusty book from his pocket and handing it over. "Nearly made a mistake back there."
Al and Riza stared blankly at them both. "You knew... you came up with this plan..."
Ed grinned. "I was tempted to transport them to some lake or something but we needed a diversion." He jerked his thumb over at a moaning Holstein.
Riza looked at Roy. "Sir... I'm sorry. I completely misjudged your intentions."
He waved it off casually. "Well, that was fun while it lasted but we've got to deal with the consequences now."
She smiled when she thought he wasn't looking. "Yes, sir."
400 years ago, still somewhere in Japan
Kaede was calmly picking some herbs in her garden when a massive portal appeared in the sky, glittering silver against the blue sky.
She blinked up at it with her one eye and calmly put down the basket. "Inuyasha, Kagome, Sango, ye should come out here and see this."
They came out, staring at the strange phenomenon. "What is it?" asked Kagome.
"Dunno," Inuyasha growled. "Doesn't smell like youkai. All iron and power, weird stuff."
Something dressed in familiar black and purple robes fell out. "Shit!" swore Inuyasha, leaping to catch it before it hit the ground...
... but Sango, on Kirara's back, was already there. Miroku fell with an 'oof' onto the nekomata's broad back, gripping onto the lush fur.
"Miroku!" She spun around and threw her arms around his waist. "What happened to you? I was so worried when you vanished..."
"S – Sango..." He would have loved to say more if she was not crushing the air out of his lungs and settled for rubbing her back. So she had missed him; how long had he been gone? Best of all, she had called him by his name.
By this time, Kirara had landed back on the ground in front of Kagome and Inuyasha. "There you are, bouzu," said Inuyasha without a trace of annoyance. "Where the fuck did you go and what was that?"
"We're so glad that you're back safely, Miroku-sama!" Kagome squealed. Shippou scaled up his shoulder and hugged him.
Sango made an 'eep' sound when she heard the excited voices and let go of Miroku's waist, her face furious red. "Yes, Houshi-sama, it's good to see you unharmed."
"Did you really go to this place?" demanded the young miko, holding up the battered manga volume. He stared in surprise at the pictures of the Elric brothers on the cover.
"Yes! These two brought me into their world."
Kagome opened her mouth in amazement. "That – that can't be true! Either the manga isn't just fictional or... we're fictional too, the creation of some mysterious person."
"... Nah," said Inuyasha.
"Not likely."
"Can't be."
"Not possible," agreed Kagome. "So what happened? How did you come back by that?"
"It's a long story," answered the monk, more than a little disappointed by the absence of Sango's arms around him. Something caught his attention and he blinked. "Inuyasha, what's that?"
The hanyou held up something which glittered in his hand. "When Sango beat me to preventing you from cracking your skull, this fell out of the sky along with you."
He would have recognized that sleek silver revolver anywhere; there was a scrap of paper stuffed in the muzzle.
"For Sango-san," he read aloud from the note, "from Riza Hawkeye."
"What is it?" said Sango, turning the firearm over in her hands. "It looks like a more advanced version of those new muskets that Renkotsu used..."
"Oh no," said Miroku weakly. "Just for that one grope? Riza..."