Hi all! Just some quick angst for you all which I know you all secretly love so no complaints! I've been in rut this week, having fun exploring some of the darker sides of the characters (for those following me over on tumblr, you probably saw the art piece I posted late last week that had probably too much blood involved in it but eh), so enjoy some emotional Sydney.

"Baby, maybe we haven't gone crazy after all.
And there's only four seasons, but even the best of us fall."

I couldn't remember if I'd ever felt this way before. The pit in my stomach was more like a black hole, numbing my desire to eat or comprehend emotion. I didn't control my actions anymore. They had become automatic ever since I had stepped into that room and seen her spread across the bed. I don't think I could ever forget that image.

"It was my fault Adrian, all my fault."

The Alchemist in me kicked in and I moved with efficiency to report to Stanton, clean up the mess, pack and move out of Amberwood after the incident. Yet I could still remember the Guardians dressed in black taking her away, her hand dropping out from under the sheet covering the stretcher as they passed me in the hall. I remembered waiting for the nausea that supposed to come with seeing something like this but it never did. I'd cleaned up the trail of blood that they had left through the hallway later.

"Where were you at the twenty-two hundred hours on the night of May the second, Ms Sage? That is the intended curfew for the female dormitory at Amberwood Preparatory Academy in which you and your charge resided, correct?"

Adrian defined it as a snap. Battling a spirit migraine and his grief drove him back to the bottle of Jack's in the top cupboard I hadn't seen him touch in a good couple of months. I didn't stop him. Vices were the only thing that could save us now. Silence was mine.

"Ms Sage, would you mind answering the question?"

I'd lost my way even when I didn't think I could. I was good at hiding my feelings. When Shakespeare wrote of Lady Macbeth driving herself insane with the thought of blood still on her hands, he had hit the nail on the head. Guilt eats you up inside until you go crazy and start laughing in the middle of tribunal.

"You failed, Ms Sage, it is as simple as that. You are hereby revoked from your position in Palm Springs, your Alchemist privileges stripped and in turn, removed from active duty. This is no laughing matter Ms Sage."

Of course it was my fault. I was the one in charge therefore all blame fell on my shoulders. I wasn't equipped to protect her from a physical threat yet it my grievousmistake assuming she was safe. My superiors were always right- I'd failed. I should have been there.

My fingers curled inward until I registered the pain originating from my palms. It was good to feel pain. It was good to feel something at all. It'd been a month since I'd lost my will to feel happy. I hadn't even cried at the funeral. I had just stood there in my black collared shirt and grey skirt, oblivious to Eddie's sobs beside me. Angeline sat across the room with Neil, her hands balled into fists that she hid under her shirt. The bruise was still bright purple against my golden lily where she had slapped me a couple days after the incident, shouting at me to wake up. I didn't even hold Adrian's hand during the service or comfort him as he broke down at the small burial in front of our friends and other royals he'd known his entire life. Nobody would have guessed we were even dating but none of mattered now. I just watched on in my comatose state.

He'd screamed at me to listen. He'd screamed at me to feel something but I couldn't. I just repeated those same five words.

"It was my fault Adrian."

I looked to the bags packed by his door. I'd stayed on Adrian's couch until I found a new place to rent and a job, wandering around the apartment hardly uttering a single word to him. I couldn't afford college lest apply for one until the next round of enrolments but until then, I had enough free time to sustain a decent income to start to save for the education fees. However the time to move on to a new place was long overdue.

"Don't leave me Sage. Please, just...stay."

"I can't."

No apology. No regret. I told myself lies to make myself go. I couldn't keep living in a house that just reminded me of my own mistakes especially when that house contained Adrian. He was the crucial reason. He was my failure; my moment of weakness that had caused my lapse in judgement. I wish I could pluck up the courage to kiss away the pained look on his face but I couldn't bring myself to open my mouth without blaming him instead of myself. It was my silence that gave us peace from the misery I could inflict.

The floor boards creaked. I looked up and found him staring down at me, a steaming mug in hand offered towards me in his left hand. I took it, nodding politely as he seated himself at the opposite end of the couch. He started forward, not making eye contact and the thought comforted me. An easy break.

"Sydney, I need to know."

I looked up from my coffee, shaking my head furiously. He'd tried to have this conversation numerous times with me but each time the only answer he'd received from me was five words.

"It was my fault Adrian."

I looked down at my coffee again. I couldn't torture him with the same response anymore. I was moving out and didn't plan on seeing him ever again therefore he didn't have to know about what I saw. The official report only stated that her death was murder, a stake to the heart to stop its beating. The report didn't specify just how brutal it was though or that she had suffered for hours. Hours in which I could have saved her life. Hours which I had spent with Adrian instead of being back at Amberwood by curfew to find her still breathing.

I felt his hands on my shoulders, trying shaking me into sense. The hot coffee splashed on my hands but I felt nothing but pleasure. The pain was welcome.

"For Fuck's sake Sydney! Talk to me! I'm so sick you blaming yourself! You weren't even there! Jill would hate you for this and you know it!" He sounded hurt. Maybe I should say something. No, I couldn't.

Jill.

"SYDNEY, listen to me!" He started to scream at me again. Maybe screaming at me was his vice. "You're like a fucking shell! Where is my fiery girl, the one who would be kicking down the door with the Guardians to find those assassins? A month ago you wouldn't have been sitting around here moping, you would have been first in to avenge her. I can't do this right now."

I glanced up at him as threw himself from the other side of the couch and stalked to the hallway, probably to go throw more paint around his bedroom turned studio. He stopped and turned back to me, his fierce green eyes meeting my dull brown ones.

"You know what? I always knew you were a coward! One fuck up in your life and you shut down. Fuck you, Sydney. I'm glad you're leaving."

I frowned. I wasn't a coward. Couldn't he see I was grieving in my own way? He wasn't the only person close to her. He was the coward. He couldn't control himself like I could. That was courage. I was kicked out of the Alchemists to save his sorry ass from being dragged into the fray. He was the reason I wasn't there to stop the murder in the first place. He didn't have the courage to try and move on with his life. He didn't have the courage to touch me anymore. He couldn't…he couldn't.

"Shut up," I whispered.

Adrian turned and met my eyes again. "Sydney…?" He sounded on the verge of hysterics.

"You're like a ghost."

I was burning on the inside. It had been a long time since emotion had graced my actions but they were bubbling to the surface. I couldn't hold it in. I didn't want to drive him away but it was the way it was going to go.

"How dare you accuse me of being weak. I'm not weak," I said in a harsh whisper.

"Sydney, listen, I didn't mean-"

I cut him off with a glare. I rose to my feet from where I had huddled in the corner of the lounge. Oh how good it felt to stand tall.

"You don't know anything Adrian. I've been fighting a guilty battle in my head for the last month now. I saved your freaking ass from the Alchemists and this is the thanks I get? I could have been there to save Jill yet I was out gallivanting with a fucking vampire and thinking everything was rainbows and freaking sunshine but it turns out I can't have a decent thing in my life. They killed my best friend too, Adrian. I saw her fucking dead body strewn out on her bed. They didn't just stake her, you know. They cut out her fucking heart. HER HEART ADRIAN. But you didn't know because you haven't been bothered to comfort me. Nobody has. I've been sitting there waiting for someone to break me without them screaming at my face every day!"

I was shaking now. I couldn't control my mouth. I couldn't control my actions. My magic was spinning out of control as the pictures fell off the walls beside Adrian's head in the hallway. He looked from the broken pictures to me, taking a few steps in my direction.

"Sydney, you need to calm down."

"Sydney, you need to wake up. I need you."

I pulled at my hair, ripping a small chuck out. "No! I'm sick of being calm and quiet. I'm no coward. I have control and you do not. You couldn't control yourself at the funeral more or less any other time in the past few weeks. I watched you cry in front of adults, Adrian. It pained me to do it, but control is what I need. It's my grief. It's my vice. I watched you waste night after night with a bottle of booze and a packet of cigarettes in your hand, losing yourself. I can't do that. This is how I cope and you're being a fucking asshole about it. I NEED THIS! And what do I get? I get insulted, I get screamed at, I get hit- I get the entire fucking blame when it wasn't my fault."

"Syd, just sit down."

Flames ignited in my hands and he took a step backwards.

"How many times do I have to tell you? NO!" I was practically screeching by now. My breath came in gasps and I couldn't keep a hold of my magic any more.

"Sydney, turn off the magic." He was trying to keep his voice even; calm. I narrowed my eyes and threw a fireball at him, barely missing his shoulder.

"STOP TRYING TO USE COMPULSION ON ME, JUST STOP,"I screamed. The overhead sprinklers burst, drenching him. The water didn't touch me. It was like and invisible umbrella had been cast above me. The fire in my hands raged on but the small fire in the hallway where the stray fireball had landed fizzled out.

"Someone had to keep it together, Adrian!" I yelled, the tears starting to leak from my eyes. I fell to my knees, the water evaporating almost immediately where I fell. I was all fire. I was all rage. I was broken.

Adrian still didn't make a move to touch me. I wouldn't have either if I was him. I was a furnace, running hotter than the human body should be but then again I wasn't really human, was I? Humans didn't do magic. Magic was unnatural to the human race. I was unnatural. It wasn't meant to be this way.

"It wasn't meant to be this way, Sage. She was innocent for fuck's sake. She had a bloody title thrust upon her and now look at her. She's in the fucking ground."

I felt it all at last. I'd driven myself halfway to Crazyville but I could feel. My actions finally connected to my emotions.

I started to sob. My fire faded.

Jill. Jill had died. Jill had been buried. I'd never see her bubbly face again or be embarrassed to face her after a night over at Adrian's. She was the reason we had all come together and I'd failed her. I never failed the Alchemists or Stanton or the Moroi Queen. I'd failed Jill.

"I'm sorry, Jill.' I uttered the sentiment over and over as I cried on the wooden floor. Adrian was probably watching me scrape my fingernails against the floorboards but I couldn't care less. He wanted to know. He knew now. He knew why I didn't let me be myself for a month now. Control was the only refuge for the ones like me who couldn't be controlled at their worst.

In my head, I saw her again. She was there, sitting on her bed like she should have been that night when I snuck back in after curfew. She'd pushed me to go out with Adrian that night to some gallery opening I couldn't remember anymore. In my head she swept me up in a hug and asked me about how I felt. She already knew how the date went of course. I'd become so close to her in the last year. She was there for me when Zoe had left, not able to handle the close proximity of the Moroi and dhampirs at her young age. She was my best friend despite our age difference.

She pulled me through the door and we found ourselves at a small grave plot, watching Adrian fall apart. She whispered to me that the bond was gone and nothing was more painful than that. He'd drive himself crazy and I had to be there for him, she whispered. She put an arm around my waist and held me strong through the crying around me as we stayed and watched the dirt fill the 6ft hole.

She sat beside me at the tribunal at Alchemist headquarters. She whispered words of encouragement. She said it wasn't my fault. I deserved to be happy and out with Adrian instead of babysitting her. She held my hand as my superiors ripped me to shreds.

She held my hand and stroked my hair as I lay on the floor as I cried.

"He needs you Sydney, and you need him. I was never your fault."

She told me she had to go now and I clung onto her tighter. She pressed a kiss to my forehead and disappeared before my eyes. I sobbed harder and clutched at thin air. I felt a touch to my shoulders and pushed myself into the embrace. He had finally dared to approach me, dared to touch me after all this time.

"It'll be alright Sydney, I swear it," Adrian whispered as I curled my body around his; my arms were around his neck, legs wrapped around his and my face pressed into his neck as we both lay on the floor. His fingers trailed up and down my arm as my crying died out to the point where I started hiccupping. He kissed my nose. He kissed each eyelid; each cheek. He kissed my lips lightly and then pulled back, nuzzling his nose into my hair.

"Thank you," I whispered. "I'm sor-"

He pressed a finger to my lips. "No apologies. No more blame. You had to get it out. I didn't understand. Hell, I haven't understood anything for the past month but Sydney, I should have understood you needed someone. I'm sorry."

"But-"

"No buts Sage. Just let me take this one."

I shook my head. I'd apologise later when he wasn't so insistent. I closed my eyes and willed Jill to come back. I had so much more to say to her, so much more to thank her for, but deep down I knew she wasn't going to return. She'd made her peace with me and it was time to move on. It was time for all of us to move on and I had been the only one stopping that from happening.

"Can I stay here a little longer?" I whispered to Adrian. The thought of the packed bags by the door made me cringe. How had I convinced myself that I could have made it on my own in this state?

He looked down at me and smiled, kissing me lightly on my lips again. "I'd want nothing more Sydney. You belong here with me, you always have."

I smiled for the first time in a month. The first time since I'd discovered Jill. The first time since I lost my best friend. The first time since I forgot myself.

"It was never your fault, Sydney."