Air escapes through your lips as you exhale. You loosened your fingers as soil slowly falls through them and hits the wood with a soft "thump". The brisk air hits the roof of your mouth.
You are breathing but somehow the air doesn't seem to quite reach your though you were suffocating. Going numb.
A hand on your shoulder. You felt as though this isn't really happening. How strange. You turn to your sister. She looks odd. Different, you suppose death does that to people, changes them.
She wraps her hands around yours. Her fingers are sticky from sweat and rubbing at tears. You don't mind. With this thought, guilt begins creeping into your stomach for not shedding tears like your siblings. Even Jake is hiding his face-then again he's always been sensitive about these sort of things. Suddenly you're kids again-Jake tearing up at the deceased goldfish floating to the top of the water. You almost laugh an immediately regret it as your sister shoots a shocked look at you. You wince, expecting a hit to the stomach, instead her shaky arms surround you and you're being overwhelmed by her hair and tears. Oh. She must have thought you were crying instead of laughing. You really do feel guilty now as you pat her back awkwardly. You really are no good at this. She lets go and hugs her arms, as if trying to keep herself purse your lips and let your arms drop to your sides like dead weights. Something nudges you in the arm and you turn. Jake's eyes are red rimed but he is expressionless as he gently pushes the white velvety hat into your hand. You blink and take it. It suddenly hits you as the realization of the fact that you're expected to throw it in and say the last words. You were around him the most, after all. You gnaw on your bottom lip and let out a simple "Bye, Dad." As you toss it in. It didn't take much work, it was only a hat after all, it wasn't him. You sigh and rub at your face, unsurprisingly it's dry.
You were never any good at funerals.