DISCLAIMER: "Death Note" belongs to Tsugumi Obha and Takeshi Obata/Shonen Jump; "I Can't Believe My Heart" belongs to Disney/Susan Egan.
Author's Note: Interesting tidbit about this song—for those of you who remember the Disney movie "Hercules", this song was the original song that Meg (voiced by Susan Egan) was going to sing, but they decided it was too lovey dovey for her character and scrapped it.
However, I heard of it and thought Sayu would probably have this attitude towards men after the kidnapping incident. There are also not enough Matsuda/Sayu fics up here, so I'm gonna get girly for an hour or two and write one. I will try to avoid as much sap as possible.
Warnings: Mention of rape. A little bit of language.
Please R/R. Flames are accepted, I love playing with fire! :)
I Can't Believe My Heart
It's been three years since my kidnapping. Light and Dad have been gone for three years. The NPA has stated the Kira is dead, but they never released his name. But I could bring him back to life and re-kill him for taking my brother and father from me. And for the trauma I've suffered through for three years. If it weren't for Kira, that Mello guy wouldn't have needed that stupid notebook, and I wouldn't have been kidnapped. God only knows how Mom stayed strong—losing her husband and her son, all while taking care of an unresponsive daughter for two years. I don't remember much from those two years—I was in my own world the whole time, unable to respond to the events occurring around me. Unable to communicate. I knew what was happening around me, I just couldn't react to it—not even to myself. I remember a few incidents, like Dad and Light dying, and the look on my mother's face when the doctors told her I may never wake up, but other than that, my mind is a blank.
I've been awake for about a year now—it's been very gradual process—but I'm getting better. I just started walking without a cane now, which is nice. No more wheelchair, no cane, just my own two legs—you really take that independence for granted when you spend 24/7 in a wheelchair, lost in your own world and replaying the same events over and over again in your mind. The actual kidnapping, the long plane ride to the United States, the binding and gagging, the fear and the worry. When my father finally rescued me, all I could focus on was what happened. And it haunted me for two years—it was like a nightmare I couldn't wake up from. It still haunts me. Sometimes I still space out, for hours at a time. I go to therapy every week, and though I've made a lot of progress, I still have a long way to go.
My therapist says I need to learn to trust again. I just can't do that right now. People are just so cruel and will do anything to be on top, even if it means stomping on others to get there. No, Mello couldn't just find that weird notebook himself (I still don't understand what was so special about it), he had to threaten my father into giving it to him by putting me in danger. On top of that, they called me "the girl," as if I were some inferior being, or even an object. A lot of men seem to view women as weak and helpless creatures that they can push around for their own selfish needs.
Even Light—sure, I love him to death, but when he was with Misa, I did notice that sometimes he didn't treat her very well. She would be all affectionate with him, but he looked a little, well, annoyed with her. I don't know why, I don't know what went on in their relationship, but sometimes he just wasn't as nice to her as he should have been. Was he just using her for something? That didn't sound like him at all. I couldn't imagine Light dating her just for the glory or the sex. Light was a good man, but even he seemed cold when it came to women. I think my father was the only man who knew how to treat women.
But what Mello did to me...it was just unimaginable. The single most horrifying experience in my life. He kept telling me over and over that he wasn't going to hurt me, but the more he said it, the more I believed he would. I was on his private jet, bound and gagged for countless hours until we reached Los Angeles. He had an accomplice with him, a red-haired man with goggles who would smile at me sympathetically and tell me, "Don't worry, beautiful, you're in good hands." No matter how many comforting smiles and smooth words he gave me, I hated him. I hated Mello. I hated all of those mafia men. Using me as bait to solve the Kira case. Dragging me out of my everyday life and throwing me into something that didn't involve me.
The days I spent in the cave, bound and gagged, waiting for my daddy to come rescue me, were just awful. Occasionally the red-head, I think his name was Matt, or was it Mark? I'm not sure. But he would occasionally come down and let me free for a little bit. Of course the door was locked and he would not leave the room, so I wasn't really free, but at least it was a chance to stretch my legs. Not that that did any good to my psyche. I would run off to the other side of the room to get as far away from him as I could. I would sit there and just cry, because I couldn't come up with the words to yell at him or any of the other kidnappers. Matt/Mark would try to come up to me and make me feel better, but I would just get away from him. I even slapped his arm a couple of times. He never got mad, he just continued with his smooth talking and tried to get me to understand that they wouldn't hurt me.
However, the worst night of all of it, the one that haunts me the most, happened a couple days prior to my rescue. I was sitting in the corner, bound and gagged, crying and praying that my daddy would come soon. I had gotten word that he, Light, and the task force would be leaving for L.A. the next day, but that wasn't soon enough. I wanted out right away. I just wanted Daddy to come and bring me right home, while the rest of the task force arrested everyone involved. I just wanted to be home, in my bed, away from the world and the rotten people in it. But there I was, sitting in some hot, dark cave in the United States, helpless and hopeless.
In the midst of my thoughts, Mello came in. I don't know what time it was, I was guessing maybe around midnight, because the whole cave was quiet, so everyone must have been sleeping. Mello took off my gag, causing me to flinch. He rubbed my shoulder and said, "It's OK, I'm not going to hurt you." I shot him an icy glare as he undid the ropes binding me together. I shot up and ran across the room as he followed me. He grabbed a hold of me as I continued to cry, and held me down to the floor. I kicked and screamed, hoping he'd let me go, but he was too strong. He began to whisper soft words into my ear. "I'm not going to hurt you. I want you to feel better." Oh shit, I thought as my stomach dropped. I had a bad feeling about what he was going to do.
"You're very beautiful, Sayu," he said as he planted a soft kiss on my neck. I pulled away, terrified of what this was leading to. "Calm down, everything will be fine." He placed his arms around my waist and planted another kiss on my neck as I continued to squirm. "I just figured if we got to know each other a little better, it would ease the pain." Ease the pain my ass. I finally broke free of him and ran off to the other corner. I continued to cry, my head hurting and my throat sore from all the tears shed over the past few days.
Mello then got an angry glare in his eyes, and ran over to me. I flinched, afraid of what he was going to do, when he grabbed my wrists and pinned me back to the floor. I continued to struggle in hopes of breaking free, but I only wore myself out. I knew what he was going to do, and my suspicions were confirmed when he undressed me and had his way with me. I cried even harder at the pain, because it was nothing like I had ever felt. I tried to kick him off the best I could, but he was too strong. When he finally finished, he tossed my clothes back at me and pointed his gun at my head. He sneered as he said, "If you breathe a word of this to anyone, I will kill you and your father." He walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. I shed a new batch of tears as I redressed and uncomfortably lied down on the cold ground.
I never told anyone what happened, mainly because I couldn't communicate after the incident. I don't know if I would have reported it had I not gone into that state of shock, because I didn't want to endanger my father or Light or anyone else. Unfortunately, by the time I woke up Dad and Mello were already dead, so it was too late to do anything. I still haven't told anyone what happened, not even my mother, because I'm too ashamed of it. If I hadn't of spent so much time crying and making myself exhausted, maybe I would have been able to kick Mello off of me. I'm also ashamed that my first time having sex was not consensual and with a man I loved—it was forced by a disgusting man.
I haven't sought a relationship since I woke up. I don't want a relationship. I don't think I could ever be with a man after what Mello did to me. I just want to live out the rest of the days with my mother, trying to forget everything.
But even that is easier said than done. Mr. Matsuda is at my house a lot, mainly because for the past three years he's been helping my mother out—going on errands for her, helping her handle me, doing all the "man" jobs of the house. I know he's doing it because he is just a nice guy and probably feels bad for us—but the thought of being near any male at all scares the hell out of me. I don't think Matsuda would ever do anything to hurt me—I mean, I'm pretty sure he's not a rapist—but his presence still makes me uneasy. Especially since he had a little crush on me three years ago—could he possibly have some other motive?
Matsuda has been at the house a lot the past week, because Mom's looking into getting a new alarm system and he's been helping her shop around and stuff. Sometimes I don't even know why he's here, because he helps with things Mom could do herself, but I guess it's because he feels bad for us and wants to help. Or maybe because Mom just enjoys his company. I don't know. Ever since I woke up, he's been trying to talk to me a little. Of course, I talk back so that I won't be rude, especially since this is just goofy old Matsuda, but I still can't help but to keep my distance.
This past week, however, I get this funny feeling whenever I see him. Like, butterflies in my stomach. I mean, Matsuda is really cute (even though he's about 34 or 35 now, I think) but the thought of being physically close to him (well, any man) makes me extremely uncomfortable. No matter how nice Matsuda can be, his mere presence frightens me. It just makes me think back to the night when Mello stole my innocence. Which is silly, because Matsuda is not Mello, but still...I'm just afraid of male physical contact. Even though I feel drawn to Matsuda. What is wrong with me?
I'm at home right now. My mother is out shopping for groceries, and Matsuda came over for a visit. I asked him to sit down and have some tea, since he made the trip over here. I'm afraid to be here alone with him, but I don't want to be rude. I just have to keep telling myself over and over, He's not Mello. He's not Mello. He's not Mello. We sit in silence for a few minutes, before he begins to speak up.
"So, uhh, Sayu, how have you been doing?" he asks.
"I'm OK," I reply quietly as I take a sip of my tea. Oh how I wish this visit would be over.
"Have you been up to anything lately?" he continues.
"Not much," I say. "I'm thinking about going back to school."
"Oh really, which one?" Matsuda asks with his trademark cheeky grin.
"Tsuda College," I reply, as I pour myself another cup. The more tea I drink, the less I focus on my anxiety. Please, God, have Mr. Aizawa call him in on an emergency.
"Isn't that an all-girl school?"
"Yes," I reply simply. That's why I'm going. I can't even handle being around you, and you're probably the gentlest man out there.
"What are you planning on pursuing?"
"I really don't know yet," I respond. I haven't done anything in the past three years, and I don't know what I'm good at anymore. Of course, I don't tell him that. He does not need to visit my pity party.
"Well I know you'll find something you love," he says as he pours himself another cup of tea. "I know I didn't know what I wanted to do until my third year of college. Of course, that pissed my dad off because I stayed in school for an extra two years." I couldn't help but chuckle. I never really pictured Matsuda being an over-achiever anyways.
"It's nice to see you smile," he says, smiling at me. "Reminds me of the old Sayu."
I can't respond to that. I just feel this uncomfortable, shaky feeling in my system. The old Sayu. The Sayu that spent all her free time hanging out with friends. The Sayu who got Light to help her with her homework because she was too busy doodling in class to pay attention. The Sayu who told Matsuda three years ago that if he were younger, she'd date him. Too bad that Sayu is gone. Mello killed her, and all that is left is the empty, anxious ghost of what she used to be.
"Sayu, are you OK?" Matsuda asks with a worried look on his face. Not knowing what to do, I set my tea cup down on the saucer, but due to my shaky hand, I accidentally drop my spoon on the floor.
"Oh, excuse me," I say quietly as I bend down to pick it up.
"Oh no, let me get it," says Matsuda as he bends down and his hand accidentally brushes mine. Without thinking, I let out a yelp and jump backwards, landing on my bottom. He just looks at me as he picks up the spoon and places it back on the table. I get up quickly as my face turns beet red.
"I, I 'm so sorry," I stutter out, not knowing what to say. "I, uh, I didn't mean to...uh....be rude." Matsuda only continues to stare at me, then all of the sudden gets this sad, sympathetic look on his face.
"Sayu," he says gently, "did something happen to you during, well, you know?" He's referring to the kidnapping. He must be putting two and two together. The all-girl school. The jump from a mere accidental touch. Must stay strong. Must stay strong. I can only stare at him in shock.
"It's OK," he continues. "You can tell me, Sayu."
My heart begins to flutter, yet I feel like I am going to throw up. I continue to stare at him, when something inside of me tells me to trust him. NO! I must stay strong! Tell him nothing happened and that you are fine! I'm so confused. I can't let him in. No matter what my heart is telling me to do...wait, my heart? No, that's not it. But he's not Mello. Let your guard down. AHH! In the midst of my confusion, I begin to break down and cry.
"No, Sayu, I'm sorry, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to!" Matsuda scoots over to me, and he looks like he wants to pat my back or touch my shoulder, but he can't. He looks helpless, and if I were not breaking down I would be laughing at him. "Sayu, please don't cry."
I pull a tissue out of the box on the coffee table and wipe my eyes. "I'm sorry, Mr. Matsuda," I say simply. "I, I, I just...I can't..." I can't get it out.
"Sayu, you don't have to tell me. But if you do, you might feel better," he says calmly. "You can trust me. You know I'd never do anything to hurt you."
For some weird reason I feel the urge to tell him everything. Probably because he's torn through my walls and there's no point in lying. Though I would rather just keep to myself. Uggh! Why couldn't I have gone to the store with Mom today? I look at Matsuda and take a deep breath.
"Mello...uh, he uh..." I start to cry again just thinking about it.
"He took advantage of you, didn't he?" asks Matsuda. How did he know? I thought he was denser than that. But before I continue thinking about it I burst into tears, and without knowing it, fall onto his chest.
"I didn't tell anyone," I begin. "I'm so ashamed!" I continue to bawl like a three-year-old while Matsuda places a hand on my back. I flinch from the contact at first, but decide that he can keep his hand there.
"Sayu, it wasn't your fault," he says soothingly. "Mello was a criminal, and you just happened to be his target because of the notebook. But he's gone now and you don't have to worry about him messing with you ever again."
"But it doesn't undo what he did," I say as I wipe a tear from my eye. "He stole something from me that I can never get back." Matsuda seems to understand what I mean by this.
"No, but it will get easier with time," he says, pulling me into a hug. "Not all men are like him, Sayu. You can't hate the whole male population just because of what one of them did to you."
"I know," I say defeatedly. I continue to sulk in his arms.
"Tell you what," he says as he pulls my head up and looks into my eyes, "I'm going to visit as much as I can, so we can hang out. Maybe if we spend some time together, it'll help relieve some of this anxiety. I want you to be happy, Sayu."
I just continue to stare at him. Damn his boyish charm. "Why are you offering to help me?" I ask.
"Because I care about you, Sayu," he says, stroking my hair. "I don't want you to live out the rest of your life in anger just because of one little incident. I mean, I know you're not going to feel better overnight, but with some time and effort you can be happy again."
I blink as I linger in his arms. Happy. I don't remember what that feels like.
"You have to trust me, Sayu," says Matsuda. "I know it'll take awhile to build up that trust, but I'm willing to wait."
I look up into his eyes. He's not after anything, he just wants me to be happy. I feel the butterflies in my stomach again. I am extremely afraid, but he deserves a chance. But just him. No one else. I smile as he leans down and kisses me softly on the lips. Unfortunately, he pulls away almost immediately.
"I'm so sorry, Sayu, you're probably not comfortable with that, I didn't mean to..." he begins to ramble. "We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable doing. We're just friends, if that's OK with you..." He has that goofy, frightened, "I screwed up" look on his face. I smile and to my surprise, kiss him gently.
"It's OK, but let's take it slow," I whisper in his ear before pressing my lips to his again. His face is as red as mine is now, and our breaths are short and unsteady. In less than one hour I've gone from fearing his touch to desiring it. Of course, I'm still afraid, even though I know I am safe with Matsuda. The thought of going any faster than we are right now scares the hell out of me, and I still feel this anxious cloud over my head. It will take time to get over what Mello did to me. But I'll work on it. For Matsuda.
I've always thought that men were slime
And every guy I've met has proved me right
Until tonight
Just when I thought I had it figured
That life's a game you cannot win
He comes in and changes all the rules
What I've been taught,
I learned the hard way
That life and love are never just
And if you trust, you're just one of the fools
And now I can't believe my heart
Is saying, "Don't resist him"
That I've been on my guard too long
I can't believe my heart
Surrendered when I kissed him
And told me all I thought I knew
Is sad, but true, is wrong
If life is worth the disappointment
I haven't seen one reason yet
Until I met the boy who smiles for free
Upon this Earth, there's no one like him
He sees the girl I long to be
Making even me believe in me
And now I can't believe my heart
Has overcome my senses
To help me see that he's the prize
I can't believe my heart
Says, "Tear down all your fences
That everything you want and more
Is right before your eyes"
I can't believe my heart could be so wise