Name: Staplegunned
Author: Bridgie (brunettebabe71) and Emmy (Emmeline Baker)
Summary: Post-ep13. When Chuck's cousin and Blair's old best friend Miranda comes back from boarding school to force the two together, nothing but trouble can come from it. CB, NM (MIRANDA! Kindof. :D), DS
AN: Hey! It's Emmy! –waves- so. Me and Bridgie have been working on this for forever, so I hope you enjoy it. :) BTW, the title and description are from "Staplegunned" by the Spill Canvas. Go listen to it. Now. And then review!
Disclaimer: I don't even want to go into this, but I do not own Gossip Girl. Me and Bridgie own Miranda though. :D
---
Miranda Bass's thick, almost black but not quite lush head of hair thumped against the limo. She sighed. She had forgotten how much traffic there was in New York City. She must just have gotten used to that damn boarding school. There was never any traffic, making it ideal for the drag races often held. Miranda had won all that she entered in.
A French-manicured nail tapped on the separation glass.
"Are we almost there?" she asked, exasperated. Patience may be a virtue but it certainly wasn't needed, especially not to a Bass.
"Yes Miss Bass," the driver said politely. You didn't mess with Bass women, especially not the one in the back. She sighed and flopped back against the seat. Anybody else would have looked like a little child pouting. But Miranda made it seem graceful, almost like a model posing. The limo came to a stop, and Miranda's smile grew. She could see that Chuck, her favorite cousin, was at the doors. If she wanted to make a grand entrance, she'd have to do it quickly. The driver opened the door. She put one black glittery Manolo out onto the pavement, showing a glimpse of her tan leg. She knew this would capture Chuck's attention, thinking it was some new hot girl. How happy he would be when he found out differently.
Then she let her whole body slip out elegantly, revealing all 5' 1" of her. She was dressed to the nines, always was. Her heels were at least four inches, her black dress ended right above her knees. It was black, a scoop neck and then an empire waist; the sleeves were three quarter and flared out. Her hair was straight, two inches under her collarbone, and a blunt cut. It seemed to flow around like thick sheets of silk, not that there was such a thing. She had side swept bangs, and on the other side, strands of hair framed her heart-shaped face with the prominent cheekbones and small chin. Luscious lips, coated with Dior lip gloss. She wore big black sunglasses that rested on her ski hill nose, perfectly arched eyebrows, completed with a thin headband with a cute black bow on the right side, opposite of her bangs.
"Checking out your cousin Charles? That's a new low, even for a scoundrel such as yourself," her voice was crisp; anybody besides Chuck would miss the teasing laced into her words.
"But darling, you look so good. Who am I to resist?" Chuck came up to her and engulfed her in a bear hug. She giggled with wholesome delight.
"You're such a rogue," she taunted.
"And you're a tease. So why are we wasting our time pointing out the obvious?" Chuck questioned.
"Surprise," she smirked.
"The best kind. I can't believe you took me up on my offer. Honestly, I'm very excited to catch up. Wait until Blair sees you, she'll freak out. And Serena better start running, I know how mad you were at her after that whole Nathaniel ordeal… speaking of Nathaniel, you should really see him, he's..." Chuck started in on a spiel, probably hoping to convince her into something. Miranda rolled her eyes; as if he could manipulate her. She taught him everything he knew.
"Please, save it Charles. Honestly. Do you think I'm that dense? Well, I'm not. I know the real reason you wanted me here Charles. To help with Blair. Correct?" His eyes flashed for a quick moment, which was all the answer Miranda needed. "That's what I thought. And I know how your mind and hers, in fact, operate. You need me to eliminate Nathaniel, the shining prince on a white horse, for you to make your move on Blair. And I came here to do just that. Now, find somebody to get my luggage upstairs. I'm rather exhausted."
Miranda didn't wait for a reply. She simply click-clacked off, gaining the attention of anybody passing.
And why wouldn't she? She had as much confidence as Serena, and as much beauty as Blair. She owned New York. When they were young, before Miranda was forced into boarding school, Blair and Miranda had ruled this town.
"Excuse me? Was I talking to you? Because I don't think I was. So, why in the world would you talk to me?" Miranda hissed at Serena.
"You're such a bitch," Serena spat.
"Funny, because from what I hear, you've got that title taken. Along with slut, and fake; would you like me to continue?" Miranda smirked. Blair rolled her eyes.
"Miranda, stop being a bitch, Serena stop being so freaking annoying," Blair commanded, "let's focus on the task at hand. Destroying that stupid redheaded skank."
Serena's eyes misted over with disgust. That redhead told the whole school that she had herpes. Bitch.
Miranda's gleamed with naughtiness. How she loved tearing people to shreds.
Blair's held determination. The redhead slept with Chuck and then turned around and tried to do the same with Nate. She didn't think so.
"I've got it." Miranda's smile was now devious. Both girls automatically noticed it. Serena's smile grew. Her and Miranda were friends, quite good ones in fact, but Miranda was the only one that would call Serena out on any of her bad friend qualities. And Serena was the only one who would insist that Miranda do the right thing. This would often cause arguments. But at the end of the day, the girls had each other backs.
"Let's hear it," Blair was now hopping from foot to foot, giddy. Miranda leaned towards them and whispered the plan, the girls giggled in delight. This should be a fun one.
The girls were now in the auditorium. The whole school was to be watching a movie about not drinking or smoking or something else equally pointless that they'd never pay attention to. Were they in for a treat.
"Oh, yes Chuck! Right there!" a girls breathy moans were heard, making everybody whip their heads towards the giant screen. Where the stupid redhead, Clarissa, was having sex with Chuck Bass. Students immediately began to laugh, all whipping their heads towards her. "Isn't she going out with Georgio, the basketball player? What a slut!" this and other jabs flitted around the room. The teachers were all hysterically trying to turn off the show. Next on the screen appeared the Free Clinic. Clarissa was seen entering and then leaving. She read something off a sheet and then threw it in a garbage can. A taxi driver retrieved it for the camera holder. And it was shown on the screen. Positive for herpes? Nice. And then they filmed the tape being burned, and packaged, with the addresses to every semi-respectable college or university in America and Europe. Clarissa ran out, sobbing.
She wouldn't show her face in New York again.
Both brunette, both short, both had heart shaped faces, both schemers, both manipulative, both dreamers, and both believed in happily ever afters.
The difference? Blair followed rules, and when she didn't, she made sure not to be caught. But Miranda was a Bass. Rules were simply guidelines. And she hated to be guided; she often just teetered her way. But society adored her. Her father may be new money, but her mother was old, and therefore Miranda Bass was treated as Old Money. And she was charming, with those dimples, how could she be devious? She had much too big baby blues to be anything other than innocent, so Miranda could practically do anything, and nobody would say a word.
---
Chuck smirked. Miranda was back. She knew about the plan and had agreed to it. Which alone showed his terrific luck, Miranda hated Nathaniel. He whipped out his cell phone. Pressing numbers without looking, he knew who he would end up talking to. She answered on the third ring.
"What do you want? I'm busy," Blair hissed and he could see her glare in his mind. This just caused him to smirk.
"Why Blair, I really just want you. Well, that is to talk to you, before you get your hopes up." He could almost feel her rolling her eyes on the other end; he smirked. "I should tell you that I have a surprise for you. And this surprise really wouldn't want to see you all over me, so you should try to contain yourself," Chuck hopped into the waiting limo. He wanted to get Miranda a present for coming.
"What kind of surprise Bass? Is this one of your schemes? If so, I'm truly not interested," Blair was about to hang up, he could feel it.
"Blair, I promise. I promise that this is one surprise that you'll adore. Okay?" He waited until he heard her sigh on the other end. "Come to the Palace at eight." Chuck hopped out of his limo, in the same fashion as he'd gotten in.
"Okay Bass. I'm going to trust you. You better not mess this up," and with that, the line was dead. Chuck threw his phone back into his pocket. He walked in and immediately, five salesgirls were surrounding him. They must remember the diamond necklace, he mused. And they were all sending him heated glances.
So a sell for a sell. He liked it here.
"Anything you want Mr. Bass?" a redhead gazed at him hungrily.
"Would you like anything to drink Mr. Bass?" the brunette fluttered her eyelashes.
"Or if you'd like anything to eat, I'm always available, to help you." Of course the blond was the boldest.
"Girls!" a gray haired lady admonished. The brunette and redhead blushed, the blond winked. He couldn't help but smirk back at her (however wasted for today) audacity.
"So, Mr. Bass, what is it that you have in mind today?" a raven haired girl asked, all business.
"A necklace," Chuck answered. Miranda hated rings, and earrings. She only wanted a diamond on her left hand. As for bracelets, Miranda liked them, but only wore them sometimes. She loved necklaces. And headbands.
It was obvious that Miranda Bass and Blair Waldorf had grown up together.
"Preferably sparkly and diamond, and maybe pearls."
"I have just the thing," the raven haired girl guided him towards a case. Inside was the perfect necklace. It was a silver chain, with a diamond encrusted into it, then more chain and then a pearl, then more chain, diamond. And in the middle, a diamond hung below, and pearls circled around it. It'd be perfect.
"I'll have two," he ordered. The salesgirl smiled, pleased with herself and quickly tied them up, making sure they were wrapped lavishly. Chuck took off. He smirked. He loved it when he had something he knew others wanted… it gave him a sense of control. And if there was one thing every Bass adored, it was control.
---
Blair Waldorf checked the clock, yet again. Two hours until she got to see Chuck… Chuck's surprise, that was, she told herself.
Again.
And she kept insisting to herself that it was the surprise, not Chuck who unleashed the fluttering in her stomach. She quickly switched her attention to the man in front of her.
"So, Nate. How is the Captain?" Blair feigned interest. Sure, the old man was okay, but she really didn't care to know every little detail.
"…and his doctors say that it's likely…" Nate droned on as Blair nodded at all the perfect moments. She couldn't help her mind from wandering. What on earth could Chuck's surprise be? By the way he talked she was betting on a person. But who in the world would Chuck want to surprise her with? Oh, no. It couldn't be a girlfriend, could it? Blair's stomach knotted at the thought. But it couldn't be. Chuck Bass wasn't the type. He was a love them and leave him. And that's why she refused to think anything else about them. Not that there even was a 'them'. But the way he'd been with her, almost like he…
"Blair? Are you feeling all right?" Nate looked at her with concern in his eyes. She flashed him a dazzling smile.
"Of course I am, sweetie. But what about you? My poor little Nathaniel," She pouted at him, when she realized her mistake. She had called him Nathaniel. "Natie, if you ever need anything, you know I'll be there for you," she tried to cover quickly. She succeeded.
"Thanks Blair. I feel the same way about you," he smiled sweetly. Blair resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Nate was as flaky as the old Serena, not to mention a five year old. Instead Blair beamed some more at him.
"Oh my! Look at the time! I have dinner plans with my mother, I really should be going. Call me later? Love you Nathaniel," Blair whisked out, not even catching her mistake. And she was gone, leaving a slightly confused Nate at the table. A waitress walked over to him.
"Is something wrong Mr. Archibald?" she asks pleasantly.
"Did Blair just call me Nathaniel?"
---
"Charles! What should I wear??? I don't own any clothes!" Miranda shrieked desperately. Chuck rolled his eyes. Most women were bad enough, but Miranda took these things to a whole new level. She had packed a mall and now she was complaining about not having enough clothes? The only person who could try to compete with Miranda in wardrobe size was Blair. But those two never would compete with each other. An unspoken rule. Chuck found this amusing, considering they were the two most competitive people he knew. If they were to ever argue, they would tear each other to shreds.
"I don't know Miranda. What about the red one? Or the black one? Or maybe the purple one," he recalled various dresses she had tried on for him.
"CHARLES! You're NO help! Do you know that?! You stupid rascal. Honestly, what good are you?" she was now storming around the suite; it reminded him of a caged animal.
"Darling, why would I be good when it's so much more fun to be bad?" Chuck knew he was in dangerous territory, egging her on at this point.
"And that's why you'll never get Blair," she snapped viciously.
"Ouch. Somebody jet lagged?" he asked sarcastically.
"Can it Charles. Can you please just help me? Please? You know how important this is to me…" she turned her ice blue eyes on him. Her long, dark lashes fluttered. Damn it.
"Yes. Now what do you need," Chuck relented unhappily. Miranda's smile made up for his pansiness.
"Thank you Charles, I always could count on you," her words were full of sincerity. He hated that he loved her so much. He hated it even more that she loved him so much. He was just bound to disappoint her. And she reminded him so much of Blair.
Wait, wrong subject. He pushed that thought out of his mind.
"No you can't." Chuck's voice was serious now, he had tried to make it sound playful, sarcastic, but the hard edge to it gave his feeling away.
"Yes I can, Charles. And Blair can too," Miranda stated brusquely. Basses never were subtle, "now help me. Which one should I wear?" she held up a red halter to her body.
"Too flashy," Chuck commented. She rolled her eyes, and picked up the black.
"Too formal."
"Too extravagant."
"Too sexy."
"Too casual."
"Perfect." Miranda looked up at him in astonishment. He really liked this dress too? She skipped to the restroom, pulling the baby blue material over her head. She looked in the mirror. She was satisfied with the image that greeted her. The dress straps were thick, and halter. It was a darker blue than the rest of the dress. It was the straps and it was the edge of the dress but wrapped underneath her bosom, gathered into the middle, where a large sapphire sat. It then flowed down to right above her knees. She looked like a Greek Goddess. She nodded her head in approval. She let her hair stay down, its blunt straight cut contradicting the dress. But she could pull it off. She slipped on matching Prada pumps. Her eyeliner was swept onto the top lids, going slightly beyond her eye, and a dusk of white was swept across her eyelids, giving her a Cleopatra look. She then swiped on her favorite Dior lip gloss that made her feel so Audrey (of course she and Blair would aspire to the same woman). She stepped out of the bathroom.
"How do I look?" it wasn't a question as much as it was a demand. But it didn't matter, since the answer was the same either way.
"If you weren't my cousin, I'd bang you," Chuck smirked.
"We could move to Alabama," she smirked back. He forgot how annoying it was. No wonder Blair put up such a fuss about it.
"In your dreams," Chuck teased.
"Psh, Charles, you wish you could get something as good as moi. I guess that's why you're settling for second best," Miranda tittered.
"Does Blair know you refer to her as second best?" Chuck asked rhetorically.
"Does it look like I have a death wish? Now come on, Charles, you're going to make us late!" Miranda was storming out of the room. Miranda was notorious for being everywhere on time but being a Bass she was always running late. She was quite a contradiction.
---
Blair tapped her foot impatiently. Sure Chuck still had five minutes before he'd be considered late, but damn was she sick of waiting for him. And besides, he was a Bass and Basses always seemed to be running late. An angry sigh escaped her lips. Suddenly her spine started to tingle. He was here. She could feel it, she could smell him. And a girl. Cotton candy and Juicy Couture perfume, wait that was…
"Miranda?" she whipped around.
"Uck! I didn't even get to surprise you. Why must you be so difficult Blairbear?" Miranda pouted, gracefully seating herself across from Blair, whose mouth was in a perfect 'o' shape.
"Careful, with your mouth like that, some may realize your lifestyle," Chuck drawled, glaring slightly. Blair snapped it shut fast enough to hurt her jaw and glared at him; he smirked back.
"Oh you two! Honestly, can you stop flirting enough for Blair to properly greet me?" Miranda chastised.
Blair overcame her shock and bounced up, launching herself in a very un-Blair, unsophisticated sort of way. She landed with her head buried in Miranda's hair, arms around her neck and squealing, as in a little school girl squeal. As in a Miranda squeal.
"I've MISSED you!" Blair screeched. Miranda patted her hair, giggling like the cheerleader she was.
"Really? Couldn't tell!" Miranda laughed sarcastically.
"Not that I don't mind the girl on girl action, or waiter seems to be getting impatient. Which by the way, since we're on the subject of you, you serve us. So you better always look damn happy to be doing so," Chuck interjected rudely. The waiter's cheeks flushed in embarrassment. Miranda rolled her eyes. Blair glared at Chuck.
"Don't be such a jerk," she hissed quietly.
"Worrying about the help now? Wow, Blair I'm impressed, really I am. So is that what your little dethroning escapade taught you?" Chuck shot back sarcastically. Miranda whipped towards Blair.
"So how did you get those girls back? Shoo now," Miranda waved her hands dismissively towards the waiter, all of her attention on Blair.
"Well…" Blair began, "I'm really not proud of what I've done."
"Sure you aren't." Miranda's eyes glinted with pure adulated joy.
"Well, I guess I am," Blair smirked.
"Spit it out already Waldorf," Chuck was now subtly fidgeting, "this is almost as boring and as drawn on as your and Nathaniel's relationship. By the way, where is he? I thought he said you two had plans. But, I'm sure that Victrola stripper is keeping him fine company…" He drew out his words suggestively.
"Ignore him," Miranda commanded as she shot Chuck a look that would make any man shrivel and die, "So what did you do?"
"Well for Hazel, I simply exposed what she practically shoved into everybody's face! She was a fraud, a snobby one at that. When everybody found out she had no money, that her mother was a hooker and that she'd given bj's at a club for 200 dollars each, people really just hated them all on their own. Jenny was much more challenging. Her destruction is actually how Chuck and I became on good terms again. She was going out with Nate right after we broke up. She slept with him. Only Nate really couldn't stand her after I told him about her role in making me miserable. So first he told everybody. Then we convinced George Rodgers, a band geek, to sleep with her… Oh, and she had a sex tape with Chuck, and then we got her 'caught' sleeping with one of the professors. Nobody will even come within a foot of her. And when Gossip Girl got a picture of her shooting heroin, well that was just a bonus." Blair smiled gleefully. Miranda's eyebrows rose, her smile broadening.
"Impressive. I'm glad to know that I've taught you well," she winked
"Well, now that we've gotten all that exciting information out of our systems…" Chuck drawled, sounding bored as he swirled his glass of scotch around, trying to focus on the clinking of ice instead of Blair's legs, which were being revealed under her cream mini dress. No, he was NOT going to think about that. He lifted his gaze against his inner self's protests and instead focused on Blair's ruby red lips. Oh fuck, that wasn't any more helpful! He looked upwards and prayed for a miracle: Please let me get through this dinner without trying to drag her into the closet and have sex with her. Please, please, please.
Not like that was really going to happen, but he could hope.
"Wait, Charles, why do you have a bag from that jewelry shop on Fifth Avenue?" Miranda asked suddenly. She reached over his lap to grab it but before she could Chuck picked it up and sat it in his lap.
"It's a surprise, and I don't think you and the other receiver of said surprise are ready for it yet." Chuck smirked at Miranda's indignant face.
"Wait Chuck, it's for me too?" Blair asked, surprised.
"Don't seem so surprised. I'm actually a very charitable person, Waldorf."
She snorted, somehow still ladylike. "Oh, I'm sure you lead a double life where you spend your days donating money to the needy. I can picture it now."
"How did you figure it out? And I've been trying so hard to keep it under wraps."
Miranda butted in. "You two shut up. I'm glad to see you're having normal human conversation, but I want to know what's in that bag!"
"Are you sure?" Chuck teased, accidentally remembering a time where he'd said the same words to the girl across the table from him. Blair's face turned a light purple and she clutched her glass of champagne, taking sips from it as her face slowly turned back to normal. He raised his eyebrows at her, and she couldn't meet his gaze. He smirked.
"Yes I'm sure! Are you insane? Charles, I want it now." Miranda, if she had noticed the silent exchange between Chuck and Blair, said nothing about it. (Although he doubted she didn't notice and he had a sinking feeling that when they got home, she was going to lecture him on something.)
"I also wouldn't mind seeing it. And Bass, please don't tell me it's porn."
"I would, but I know how you dislike liars."
"Charles! Open the damn bag!"
And then Chuck took out the two boxes and Miranda squealed, gathering the attention of many an elderly person in the general vicinity. "It's a necklace, isn't it? Oh Charles!" She opened the box and her mouth dropped open. "Oh Charles… it's so pretty." She sighed.
Blair, meanwhile, was gaping at the necklace. If she'd looked surprised to find out Chuck bought her a necklace then she was shocked now. She slowly lifted the chain off the velvet interior of the box and put it on, fingering the pearls and diamonds. "Chuck, it's… Beautiful."
"Do I get a thank you?"
"Yes, but not that way."
"I didn't mean it that way. Get your mind out of the gutter, woman."
"Charles, just shut up and let us enjoy our presents."
"Fine, fine. Enjoy the damn necklaces."
"We will, thank you, dear cousin."
While Miranda fiddled with the clasp, Blair smiled at Chuck, a real smile. He just nodded back, the shadow of one on his face. Blair's face fell a little but she regained her composure, and turned back to Miranda.
"We have matching ones. And luckily, it's not a big brand, so practically no one will know where we got them from!" Blair smiled, excited at the prospect of having something no one else did, and being able to share it with her best friend.
"Everyone will be jealous, and with good reason," Miranda nodded, agreeing.
"Well, at least I did something right this time," Chuck muttered under his breath as the two girls talked about how jealous everyone was going to be.
The dinner continued without interruption for a good two more hours, until Blair and Miranda decided to go out to a club. Chuck turned down the offer and instead opted to go home and get himself drunk by himself, and possibly bring a Palace staff member into the mix. Miranda rolled her eyes at him and they took off, leaving Chuck in his room to ponder the day's activities.
"Well, this is going to be interesting, to say the least," Chuck mused aloud.