First this is not a Liley story. The love of Miley and Lilly is much deeper than that in this story. Second I am using Miley and Lilly to reflect on what happened in my own life and while the names have been changed and the story will do it's best to coincide with the Hannah Montana TV show most of the thoughts and actions are all mine. This is a way for me to vent my sadness and heart break since I don't really have anyone else to vent to.
Warning - This is M rated due to language and sexual content and adult BDSM content. Don't like then don't read…it really does not matter to me because like I said…I write this for me.
A special thanks to Karma for listening to me.
I don't know if anyone will actually read this journal and I am really writing it for myself…I don't know if I really want anyone to read this journal. I am writing it for myself to try and understand who I am. I know who I became and thought and wanted that person to be who I am right now, but I recently started having my doubts but I don't know if I can change who I have become or if I really want to. Why do I have my doubts? Because two of my worlds finally combined, two that I tried to keep apart, two that I never wanted to meet, but now they have and when they met they crashed together like the perfect storm. A storm filled with love, anger, hate, and the loss of someone I loved more than anything in this world.
My name is Miley Stewart. I am now 19 years old and a sophomore in college. I exist in my universe that consists of three worlds. The first is my Hannah Montana world. In that world I am the bomb, the shit, the super pop star…or so I have been told by people. Me? I don't think I am that great but hey who am I to argue. That world stopped rotating when I was 16 and put Hannah to rest for a while. That world never really made me happy….oh I enjoyed being Hannah and the attention I got and the confidence she gave me, but that world was never the true me. My second world I am Miley Stewart...the awkward high school student and now college student. Miley sucks at sports, was never that popular, awkward and clumsy at times, attractive but never had the self assurance to see her as anything but vaguely cute. Hell Miley tried out for cheerleading one time and became the school mascot. She never had any true friends but one and she was teased and picked on during her high school years. The only good thing in Miley's life was her best friend…Lillian Truscott.
Lilly…now she is the bomb, the shit, the greatest person alive in Miley's universe. She is popular, so beautiful, sexy, captain of the high school girl's soccer team, volleyball team, basketball team, and field hockey team. Lilly is who every girl (and I suspect some boys) at our high school wanted to be. And the best part about her is that she loves me…she chose me as her best friend. The picked on, ridiculed, teased girl, the awkward and clumsy girl became who Lilly wanted to be as her best friend when she could have had her pick of anyone in the school. She became the person I loved most in my life even over my own family, the person I would do anything for including give up my own life for, and the person who from the first day I met her was my protector…my savior…my own personal goddess. She was even cool with me when I told her I was attracted to girls…to her it did not matter…she loved me and I loved her. My love for her was not that romantic love, even if I did try at times and she would just laugh it off in her kind and caring way, no our love was deeper…so much deeper than that fairy tale romantic love that has been denied me…a love I really don't know if it exists. I have been "in love" before…or thought it was…with one person but she never loved me back. Her agenda for our relationship was different…some will call "sick" or "unhealthy" but I didn't…that relationship was my third world. This Miley world where I am the awkward, unpopular girl was never my true world either. The only good thing in that world that was real was my friend…my very best friend who I love, adore, and look up to…the girl who made me happy in this world. I was needy of Lilly's love…so needy of her and so selfish of her. I did not want to share her love with anyone or anything.
My third world is my true world…where the true Miley lives and plays. Like the Hannah world I keep this true Miley secret from my other two lives. I am not ashamed of myself in this world…actually just the opposite. In this world I am proud of what I have become and who I am. In this world I am Miley…the submissive, the pet, the slave to the whims of my mistress or others who dominant me…in this world I am my true self and my body and mind are not mine to control…my life is not mine to control. In this world I gladly put my body, mind, and life in the hands of others to control. Outsiders looking into this world may call me a freak, a whore, a slut, think I have mental problems, and call me a pain slut. Besides the last none of it is true. I am not a freak, not a whore, not a slut, and have a very stable mind. But yes I am a pain slut (although I do not like that term myself) and I get off on the pain. I enjoy the pain. To me pain brings the greatest pleasure…to me pain is like the double edged sword. One edge is the hurtful edge; the edge that make me scream out and whimper in pain. The other edge of the sword is the edge that contains the pleasure, the need, the craving of what the pain gives me. That is the edge I desire and crave…the edge I am addicted to and like any addict if left to my own devices I would overdoes on the "drug" my body craves. I would never say stop…never end the pain. I need someone to control that pain, to make the choice for me when enough is enough, and to control how much I get. This is the true me…the girl who craves serving a dominant mistress, to be humiliated, to do what ever my mistress desires of me, to give my body, mind, and soul to for her control. I would include my heart but no dominant I know had ever tried to claim my heart…they never wanted my heart. I would have given it to HER…the first…the one who showed me who I am and trained me to be the perfect pet, but she did not want it as much as I would have begged her to take it. It was my body and mind and soul she cared about. To her I had no heart. I did not blame her…how could I; it was not my place to ever question her and she never lied to me. She was always honest in what she wanted. No…it was my fault for thinking I was worthy and deserving of her love…something I was not and never could be.
Then one terrible night two of my three worlds collided like that perfect storm. Two worlds I tried so hard to keep apart…to never meet. That was when my life seemed to crash and it was never the same. The events after that horrible meeting of those worlds caused me to doubt myself…to doubt who I was for the first time. That horrible meeting caused me to lose the greatest thing in my life…it made me lose my protector, my savior, my own personal goddess….my best friend Lilly Truscott. This is the story of how we met, how I became who I am, and how I lost what was the most important thing to me.