"I don't understand." Brown eyes were staring up at him filled with such anguish; he almost changed his mind about the entire thing. Almost.
He sighed, wondering how he let this go so far. He loved Rachel, he really did, but he knew that right now just wasn't their time. He tried for months to pretend like he didn't see the way she looked at her ex-boyfriend. Letting his mind convince himself that she only wanted him and him alone. He pretended not to see the looks they shared or the slight nervous look she would get when he'd happen upon them talking, the first time being right before the performance of 'Like a Prayer'. That the night she told him she wasn't ready she truly meant she personally wasn't and not that a part of her still held onto the fantasy of Finn Hudson being her first.
"Is this about the 'Run Joey Run' video?" She asked panicking. "I thought you said you weren't mad at me for that anymore."
"It's not about that Rach." Shaking his head he sighed again. It truly wasn't about the video specifically, although it had still hurt him at the time, but rather who was in the video and just how much more hurt she had reacted to that certain boy's hurting than the hurt she had inflicted upon him.
"Then why are you doing this?" Tears were glistening in her eyes, threatening to drop at any moment. "I don't want you to do this."
She was breaking his heart. Her pleading with him was going to haunt his dreams when this was over because if there was one thing Jesse couldn't take it was Rachel's heartbroken pleas for him to not leave her. She was staring at the floor now, willing the tears not to fall.
He put a hand under her chin and lifted her head so she was looking at him again. Shifting his hand to her cheek he brushed a stray tear that had managed to escape.
"I have to." As much as he didn't want to voice to her why he had to, he knew she deserved to know. Even if it was just so she didn't spend hours awake at night wondering what she had done wrong. "Rachel, you know how much I love you."
She moved to interrupt him, but he shook his head letting her know he wasn't finished. He knew what her question would have been anyway.
"And I know a part of you loves me too."
He couldn't stop her from interrupting this time.
"Why are you leaving me then?" She was gripping his shirt now. Holding on as tightly as she could, staring at her fists in slight desperation, in hopes that it would make him stay. "If we love each other, then you shouldn't be doing this."
Running his fingers through her hair he smiled sadly at her.
"I'm not the only person in your heart though Rachel." Her head snapped back up and she looked horrified that he seemed to know she still had a special place in her heart for Finn. She was starting to frantically shake her head.
"No, no, no, no, no." The tears were falling faster now as she continued the movement of her head back and forth.
Jesse could feel his own tears building up as he watched the girl he loved falling apart in front of him. With her hands still gripping the front of his shirt, he wrapped her in his arms, holding her completely against him. He could feel her tears against the side of his neck as she burrowed as far into him as she possibly could. His own tears had begun falling into her hair as he held her just as tightly.
"It's okay. Rachel, shh. Sweetheart, it's okay."
"How can you say that?" Her voice was cracking and slightly muffled against his neck, but he heard her all the same. "I have feelings for someone who is not you while at the same time loving you so much. You're even consoling me about it. You should hate me."
"I could never hate you." It was true he loved her too much to ever hate her. "You can't really ever control who you love."
"Watch me." She replied miserably.
He couldn't help it, he laughed. Leave it to Rachel Berry to still be as stubborn as ever even when her heart was breaking and she knew it wouldn't make a difference. Pulling away so he could look at her again, he brushed away the tears still lingering on her cheeks.
"You really are a drama queen." He said affectionately, letting her know just how much he loved that quality about her. "Finn is a part of your past you never really had a chance to deal with. You told me about what happened, but can you honestly tell me had we not met that day in the library, you wouldn't be with him right now?"
She was silent for a moment, thinking over what he asked and what she was going to say. Her face crumpled.
"No, but I did meet you Jesse and I still want to be with you."
"But a part of you still wonders what it would be like to be with him." He stayed calm, but knowing that this was coming to end was beginning to suffocate him. "I know you don't mean to feel that way, but you do and it's not something you can ignore. As much as it pains me to say this, you have to find out if he's what you want because until you do, every relationship you have isn't going to feel right. You'll always wonder."
She stayed silent, tears falling as she stared at the ground again, not knowing what to say or if there was anything to say. She knew she couldn't change his mind and she knew he was also right. She really wished he wasn't though.
"I'm transferring back to Carmel." Her head snapped back up so that her eyes met his. "That way you have a real chance at figuring everything out with Finn without me being around to make you feel guilty."
"You don't have to go back to Carmel!" She was slightly hysterical now. Breaking up was one thing, but for him to go back to his old school was another. She feared she wouldn't see him again if he left.
"I do though." He said as he began running his hands through her hair, he'd learned during their time together that it calmed her down. "You won't be able to do this if I'm still here."
"But"
"I promise you'll still see me." He interrupted. "Not for a little while, but I'm always just a phone call away if you ever need me."
She wrapped her arms around his middle, head tucked beneath his chin, prolonging their last minutes before everything changed.
Knowing it may very well be his last, he once again lifted her chin with his hand. Holding her gaze for a few seconds, memorizing every detail in her face, he kissed her. Kissed her as though he'd never see her again (even though he knew he would), pouring every emotion he was feeling into it so she knew just how much she meant to him.
Pulling away he rested his forehead against her own not daring to open his eyes. He knew if he did, then that was it and he wanted to hold onto her for just a little while longer before facing that fact.
"I love you, Jesse St. James."
"I love you too, Rachel Berry."
Opening his eyes, he stood for only a moment longer. Brushing her hair from her face he kissed her forehead, let his hand brush against her cheek one more time, and then turned on his heel walking out the door.
He hoped to everything he stood for he'd made the right choice. Hoping the saying was true and she'd come back to him someday.
A/N: This was quite bittersweet to write because i truly do believe Rachel has to be with Finn before she can truly commit to anyone else. This is also dedicated to breathlessnightxx because our conversation about Rachel/Jesse/Finn was totally my inspiration behind this story!
Thanks for reading!