We were happy, both of us. We had our lives ahead of us and we were going to stay together, I loved you and even if you wouldn't admit it in front of our friends you loved me too. I knew this for sure, you would always blush when I hugged you and the first time we kissed you nearly had a nose bleed... I remember May laughing because you were such a softie inside, then you proceeded to ignore May and act like you used to again.
I miss those days, we would just hang out after school in your garden, we wouldn't talk but we would watch the stars appear and after a while we'd fall asleep with me in your arms, I don't know how I got so lucky to have someone like you, Paul. You were so handsome and since you were new to the school you go so much unwanted attention from girls.
Especially Ursula, you two dated for a while but you dumped her after she wanted more than to just make-out in secretly, I couldn't believe you made-out with someone like her! Anyone could see it didn't mean anything and I remember being pleased about this and not knowing why... well now I do know why I was so pleased, Paul! I had a little crush on you.
When you dumped her I nearly cried of happiness, as did some of our close friends like Kimmi and Loren, they had such big crushes on you as well! You'd always ignore them though and just try to annoy me. Again, Troublesome isn't my name!
Then you changed, something happened at home and you'd ignore me and not come to school, sometimes when I went to your house you wouldn't open the door, I learned from a rumour your father had brain cancer and was dying. You couldn't afford the surgery and since I secretly loved you... I paid for the surgery.
You hated me at first for being so stupid and wasting my money on you since I was nothing to him. I tried not to be hurt but it was too late to take the money back now, I told him it didn't matter since my mother could earn that back in a month or so, you got angry for throwing about my money on something as pointless as this. I told you I loved you and you stopped... wait, no. My exact words were:
"Just shut up Paul! I love you, you aren't pointless to me so just stop talking. It's too late now anyway! No need to worry about me, just worry about your dad."
You just stared at me, confused. I don't know why you did it but you hugged me, I think you cried because my hair felt oddly damp, unless you drooled on it... I doubt that though! This is around the time you asked me out, I said yes almost a millisecond after you finished your sentence and I jumped into your arms, Kimmi and I got into a fight because the "sister code" or something, something about not going out with your sisters crush? Well, you were my crush and first love as well. She would have to get over it because even Loren could see we weren't breaking up anytime soon. The two of them left and Leaf joined out little group, May and Leaf didn't get along at first but then they kind of just... got used to each other. Now they're such good friends! All of us were, even Misty and Ash who are probably at each other's throats as you read this, Paul.
I'm really sorry for not telling you, you told me so much about your past and what you wanted in the future but I just told you I didn't matter.
You'd always get annoyed at me and said I was worth more than his heart which made me cry, you were never so open with your feelings and you'd always just reply with "Hn." or just grunt at me, you were never a fan of PDA but I always inforced it, holding hands in public was a must! Even if Kimmi was around... she spread rumours about me having some sort of disease and everyone believed it, well, almost everyone. You didn't... neither did my friends (though Gary was so suspicious about it!) you even told Kimmi to back off and get a life, she cried and I burst into tears as well! (in laughter). I'm so sorry for doing what I did.
I didn't mean for it to get this bad.
My mothers job was getting worse and worse pay because she was getting older and had to take some sick days off, she eventually got fired and we had to sell our house to live into a tiny apartment (I remember telling you we just wanted to move house! You didn't believe me and you were so suspicious but let it drop! Thankfully...). It was so cramped in their and I'd always find bugs in my tops in the morning. You told me I shouldn't of paid for your fathers surgery but I did, it cost hundreds of thousands of pounds but I loved you.
I loved you so much I'd risk my own life for you.
Then because of our living conditions I started getting sleep deprivation because of the apartment, the air conditioning was old and broke all the time, making it roasting then freezing. You noticed the bags under my eyes, I couldn't ever sleep. I went without sleep for two days straight and passed out at cheer practice. You were there to catch my fall...
You took me to the doctors after school one day, I had realised it before but I had started to feel depressed. It got much worse and thank god I was good at acting because even you fell for my "happy, happy, happy!" facade.
They diagnosed me with depression, I had to take so many pills a day, so many anti-depressants. You tried to treat me better, take me on expensive dates but none of us could afford it, we started to drift from our friends. They didn't know I suffered so they got angry, yelling at us that we were their friends and that we should hang out with them more.
You just ignored them and dragged me away, you weren't the best at dealing with situations like that. I loved that about you, you didn't make me explain to people what I didn't have to. My health didn't get better, we moved so many times in the year that I thought I might collapse in every class, I could feel May's glare at the back of my head in math, she was angry at me for leaving their group. We had become the loners.
(Though I didn't understand why we were labeled 'loners' if we had each other, it was confusing, right?)
The pills never worked, you couldn't just go buy a new personality from the shops and make life better, I wish you could. You were so supportive in your own way, you didn't shower me with gifts. You just hugged me when I needed it.
My wardrobe changed, I began to wear baggy jumpers and joggies to school. No one bullied me because I had you, you didn't change for anyone else but me, you were still so popular and even though people teased you for dating someone so ugly as me you just clenched your fists and walked away. Remember I used to be the cheerleader captain? Ha. I left a month before the incident. I wasn't looked at by boys anymore, thank god. They were starting to annoy me... We were only sixteen god dammit.
It was my birthday, I found a box on my desk in math. I looked around, you didn't know my schedule, who left it? I opened it and looked inside, there was a heart-shaped locket. You could open it and inside there was a picture of May and I. It was my sixth birthday party and you had cake all over your face.
I turned around and looked at May, she looked at her feet with a blush evident on her face, remember she started to date Drew? I wonder if they're still together... When you eventually come visit me again please tell me, by the way, I like lillies! Haha!
I put the locket on by myself and wore it on top of my navy jumper, I smiled and felt my eyes water, this was probably the happiest I had been in a long time, I always just walked around school with my head down, my mother worked three jobs now and I was too scared to get a part-time job. My pills were so expensive so we had to get them every other month so I had mood-swings a lot. I know that annoyed you Paul.
At lunch we were sitting in the gardens on the bench, May came up to me with Leaf and Gary behind her, Gary looked at me with such disguist, I know he hated me now. I could even see some sort of hate in Leaf's eyes. But not as much.
"H-Happy birthday, Dawn." May looked at me in the eyes, she smiled at me even though I could see she was heartbroken, she was still so confused about why I left.
"Oh that was today? I totally forgot." Gary rolled his eyes and you stood up, fists clenched but I grabbed the bottom of your t-shirt and pulled you down, Gary was scoffing when Leaf elbowed him causing him to fall down, I stiffled my laugh but he still heard it and glared at me.
"Yeah, happy birthday I suppose." Leaf mumbled, kicking the imaginary dirt from beneath her feet.
"T-Than-thank you." I smiled at them, you looked so bothered that I had replied to them, I had decided I wanted to let them know, I wanted to let them know about me.
It had been a month later when I walked up to May's lunch table, they all stared at me. There was some new faces at the table like Zoey, a red haired girl I had seen around and a girl named Melody.
May and Misty stood up, Misty had never talked to me since them and even though I only wanted to let May know I thought it'd be best if I told them all, I gestured for Leaf who was holding hands with Gary. She stood up, leaving her boyfriend and following me to the gardens, you sat on the bench with his head in his hands, I knew you were worrying about me. I loved you, remember that, okay?
"I have depression."
Thats all it took for Misty to back away, I knew one of her sisters also had it, Leaf's jaw dropped in surprise and May looked so sad, she had so much pity in her eyes which I disregarded.
"So you changed your entire life, your wardrobe and your personality just because of it?! You can afford the pills! They should be making you better!" Misty had yelled at me, grabbing my wrist which revealed all my scars, she had back up again, shaking in anger and fear.
"Dawn..." Leaf mumbled, tears leaking down her eyes.
"My mother lost her job."
May stroked my arm, pitying me even more. I didn't want her pity! I just wanted to be accepted, Misty stormed away, not at all pleased with me. Leaf stayed though while May said she had to think about this, we both walked back to you, you stood up and stared at Leaf with anger in your eyes as you held my hand tightly.
"I want to say sorry for all I've done, I know Gary might not be the nicest person but," Leaf was cut off by you scoffing, I elbowed you lightly to your surprise and she coughed and started again. "He isn't the nicest but please forgive me, no... us. All of us, you can join our lunch table again."
"No thank you." I smiled at her, eyes running down my face as she bit her lip in confusion, probably wondering why I wasn't accepting their help.
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh." you spat, walking away and forgetting your bag. I quickly picked it up and chased after you, nearly tripping on a loose rock in the ground, that night you invited me out for a drive, I knew it'd be fun and would get my mind off things, I had so much bad thoughts lately, I wasn't that bad I thought about suicide.
But I could feel the taunts my own mind was sending me. Anon hate was the worst, I got it on my facebook page all the time by people I didn't even know! I blocked them all and you even private messaged them, threatening if they ever talked to me again... well yeah, you know what you said.
We sat there for hours, just talking and having petty arguments about random things.
Then we decided to drive back, you were tired. I could see, you had spent so much nights thinking about me and vice versa, we had a mini competition, we would joke about who looked like a panda the most... okay so I joked while you scoffed at me and tried to hide your smirk with a scowl.
I saw your eye close for more than a second and I shook your arm, you jumped at the contact and nearly crashed into a tree, I sighed and snapped at you, telling you to please stay awake. You nodded, continuing to drive, I think you fell asleep again and we crashed. Right into someones house, I remember hearing a baby crying as the ambulance came, so many people had come to see if we were okay. I wasn't unconcious yet but you were, you had a piece of glass wedged between your eye and your nose, I cried so loudly, screaming for help. Inside I was almost thankful so many people had seemed to care about our safety, they cut the car doors off, my foot had been twisted severely and my arm nearly hanging off. You had been put on a stretcher and we had been take to the exact same hospital, I was in hysterics while we were on the way, so much they had to sedate me.
When I woke up May, Leaf and the Zoey girl were by my bedside, I had so many liquids being pumped into my veins, they were all crying, even the Zoey girl I didn't know.
"I'm sorry, Paul can't be saved. Paul's lungs have collapsed and there is such a long wait for a donor." The doctor had told me the next day, I felt so useless, I couldn't do anything. You deserved to live more than me so I realised I could do something, and I did it.
They let me write this letter before the operation, sorry for the sloppy handwriting. I'm giving you my lungs, we have the same blood type and everything so hopefully your body will accept it, apparently I have really big lungs and everything, they looked massive on the x-ray! They were about the same size as yours, if not bigger! I'm sorry, I love you.
I'll wait for you, okay? If heaven really does exist, I'll wait for you. I promise.
-Your loving girlfriend, Dawn Berlitz.
P.S) I want to be buried, no need to worry! You just live your life to the fullest without me! Okay? I love you, Paul Aaron Shinji.
P.P.S) Maybe I would've married you one day.
P.P.P.S) Move on from me.
P.P.P.S) I like lilles, okay? Just saying... but I expect lillies to be on my grave, sorry if you found random wet patches on the paper, they're my tears. Keep this letter, please.