"I try to keep it simple, 'cuz I hate goodbyes"

Kris lay underneath his snug comforter in the bottom bunk gripping the edges of the blanket from inside his warm cocoon. He closed his eyes and began to rock himself back and forth. He was crying, but just slightly, he knew that once the tour ended tomorrow he and his very secret lover, Adam, would not be able to continue their relationship. And the thought of not seeing Adam every day made him sick to his stomach.

Kris was married, and he understood that once the last tour show ended tomorrow there would be no goofing off and playing games with Adam and the other idols on the bus. There would not be any more nights of being made love to by the man of his closeted dreams, there would be no falling asleep in his arms afterward. He would be going home with his wife, Katy. He should be ecstatic to be going home to her, but how could he be excited about something that would in turn break his heart?

It was around 2am and the entire bus was pitch dark. All you could hear was the low hum of the engine as it made its way to the last tour stop. Kris should be sleeping but he just couldn't seem to be able to force his body into a state of unconsciousness. That is why he now lay in his bunk attempting to rock himself to sleep, trying to shake away the unpleasant feeling of ending the relationship with the man that he was in love with.

Kris' eyes opened slowly and a small closed mouth smile spread across his face under his covers when he felt the curtain of his bunk slide open. And there stood Adam smiling at him, he looked as if he had been crying too. Kris moved over to make room for him and Adam made sure to shut the curtain before climbing in and sliding underneath the covers he and Kris now shared.

Adam opened his arms wide and Kris scooted close to him coiling into the older man, putting his head up against Adam's bare chest and slowly snaking his arm around to softly rub the small of his back. Adam wrapped his arms around the smaller man and pulled him closer, his grip on Kris was tight, as if to say 'I never want to let you go'.

"I know this is corny," Adam whispered, "But I can honestly say that I could lay like this with you forever"

Kris smiled into Adam's chest and began to lightly run the back of his fingernails up the older mans spine. Adam shivered under his lovers touch.

The older man put his hand on the back of the youngers head and planted a long hot kiss on the top of it while still holding him against his chest. Kris let out a small sob and gripped at Adam's back pulling him a bit closer if it was possible.

"Shhhh," Adam whispered almost soundlessly into Kris' ear.

Kris planted a heavy kiss on Adam's chest before sliding up and nestling his face in the curve of his lovers neck. Adam's arm was around Kris and his hand was tracing lines in the skin of his back making the smaller man twitch slightly from the light intimate tickling sensation.

Kris pulled back from the warmth of Adam's neck to see that he had left tears there, he turned to look into Adam's gorgeous striking blue eyes and that was when his heart broke. More like shattered into a million pieces. How was he going to live without seeing him every day? How was he going to cope with the fact that he could never be with the man that he loved? He hated having to continue to lie to his wife and to the public about what was really going on between Adam and himself. Why did it have to be like that? Why can't they just be together? All these thoughts were floating through Kris' mind and one tear streamed out of the corner of one of his beautiful brown eyes. Adam reached up with his thumb and wiped the tear away, making Kris wince with emotion.

Adam hooked his finger and placed it at the bottom of Kris' chin, pushing it up to make their lips meet. They both felt the electricity shoot through every nerve ending of their lips, through every pore of their skin and through every vein in their bodies. This electricity was pure love.

As their lips moved together slowly yet passionately Adam kept his finger at Kris' chin with his hooked finger and thumb.

"It's our last night," Adam leaned back and whispered, his bottom lip lightly touching Kris' ear lobe.

They had decided months ago that their relationship would stop after tour, it had to. For their careers, for their families and it just wasn't fair to Katy. Kris had been gay his whole life but was always afraid to admit it. He had finally found his true love, the person he wanted to wake up to every morning for the rest of his life, the person who made him whole. But he couldn't be with him, no matter what.

The older man could feel the younger shake with another wave of emotion. Adam held him closer to his chest.

"I want you to make love to me," Kris whispered around a choking sob at the back of his throat, "one last time."

"Kris," Adam sighed and shook his head slightly in his lovers hair.

"One last time, please," Kris looked up at Adam with needy eyes.

"I'm afraid I won't be able to let you go tomorrow, if I do," a tear streamed from Adam's eye, his lip began quivering slightly.

"Please," Kris whispered, caressing Adam's face with the back of his hand, "I need to remember what it feels like to be complete again."

"Okay baby," Adam nodded his head and took Kris' face in his hands, "okay."

-

They made love in Kris' bunk. Kris on the bottom, his legs wrapped around Adam's back as he slowly thrust into him. They kissed delicately as they breathed and moaned lightly into each others mouths. Kris' hands on the back of Adam's head, buried in his hair. One of Adam's hands held Kris' face, the other laid on his lovers hip. Their faces rubbed together, mixing the tears that covered them. Brown and blue watery eyes connected, filled with love, hope and sadness. The whole time they didn't speak. There was no need for words. The love they made was like a slow and beautifully orchestrated symphony, both heartbreaking and emotional. Every time their lips touched, it was the stroke of a violin. Every time more tears spilled down their faces it was the beautiful haunting trickle of keys on a piano. Every time their chests touched and they felt each others heartbeat against the other it was the beat of a gorgeous drum.

-

When they were finished they curled around each other. Kris facing the tour bus wall, Adam wrapped around his back holding him closely as they rocked together. They laid like that for hours, but to them it only seemed like a few short minutes. Until Adam said the words both of them were dreading. "I gotta go back to my own bunk now," Adam whispered in Kris' ear, holding him tightly still, not making a move to actually get up. Kris reached down grabbing Adam's hand, bringing it back to his face and began kissing at the freckles there. "Turn around, please," Adam pleaded. "I can't," Kris replied. The sentence was short but both of them understood why Kris couldn't. He wouldn't have the control to let Adam go if he looked into those blue eyes right now. It took all Adam's strength to pull away from Kris to leave the bunk, but not before whispering in his lovers ear, "I love you so much. See you tomorrow." Once Adam was gone, Kris buried his face in his pillow and cried himself to sleep.

-

The next night, the idols performed their last show together. Smiles and joyous laughter among the group hid the tears and sadness of parting from the second family they had all come to know and love for over a year. All ten idols were sad about the tour ending, but they all also knew they had bright futures and stunning careers ahead of them. Adam went around hugging everyone and telling them how much he loved them and how much he was truly going to miss them. He also made sure to tell them to text every week and keep in touch. Everyone except for Kris, Adam couldn't bare the goodbye to him just yet. Kris made his rounds as well hugging and praising all the talented artists he was lucky to call friends, except for Adam. Kris was dreading the moment he had to leave him.

But as much as they wanted to put it off, the inevitable could not be contained.

Adam spotted Kris first and made long heavy strides toward the younger man standing in the street with his suitcases as his feet, glad that their goodbye could be somewhat private and secluded from the rest of the group. Kris pretended not to notice Adam walked toward him, looking down at the ground as if concentrating and almost forcing himself not to loose it in front of everyone.

"Come here," Adam opened his arms and gestured toward himself with his fingers. Kris looked up and embraced his secret lover, falling into his arms and holding him so so tight. Kris' face buried in Adam's chest.

"I'm not going to cry," Kris mumbled into Adam's shirt, talking more to himself than to Adam.

Adam shook Kris slightly in his arms with his tongue in his cheek his eyes began to water, looking around the parking lot as he held his lover to him.

"It's not goodbye forever," Adam finally got the strength to say, coiling his long arms around Kris' petite back.

"I'm never going to stop loving you, Adam," Kris whispered, leaning back to look up at his lover, through the tears accumulating in his eyes.

"I'll wait for you, for as long as it takes," Adam breathed into Kris' ear, pulling him back to himself, "I know we said that after the tour it's over, but I can't-I can't let you go."

"I don't want you to waist your time on me, Adam," Kris looked up at the love of his life, "it's going to take years until we-even possibly..."

"Shhhh, shh, shh," Adam interrupted, "I don't care if it takes a decade. You are the only one I want, no one else." Adam kissed Kris' forehead. Kris closed his watery eyes and winced.

"Kris! Baby, come on!" Kris heard his wife Katy shout from all the way across the parking lot.

"I don't want to go," Kris looked up at Adam as if pleading with him as if he could stop it.

"I wish you didn't have to, but you do, for now," Adam avoided Kris' eye contact and looked down, knowing that if he looked in those eyes it would be all over, he would have to have someone pry him away from Kris. "So please go."

"Come on Kris! Jeez!" Katy stompted her foot.

"I'll be there in a second!" Kris shouted back to her. He was filled with a plethora different emotions that conflicted and tore him a trillion different ways. Resentment, anger, sadness. He didn't understand why god was making this so hard for him, why can't he be with the person he loves? Why? He didn't understand it. His feelings for Adam surpassed anything he had ever felt in his life. So he knew that what he and Adam had pledged was the right thing to do. What he and Adam were about to face the next few years was going to be hell, but the love they had for each other burned stronger and stronger every day, and if they could be together in the end then all that hell would be worth it. Kris was so lucky to have a man that was willing to wait for him, which made him love Adam even more. Even if their first real goodbye couldn't be the traditional one of two lovers by kissing and embracing, none of that mattered. Because in their hearts they held the goodbyes. And it was only temporary, Kris kept telling himself. That's what drove him to finally pull away from Adam's embrace.

"You're everything, Adam," Kris said under his breath squeezing Adam's hand in his, "everything."

"You better get going," Adam gestured his eyes toward Katy's direction then looking down again avoiding Kris' eyes once again.

"Adam."

Adam looked up finally to look at Kris and his heart was breaking every second he kept his eyes focused on him.

"Tell me," Kris stared into Adam's eyes, "tell me," he shook his lovers hand with urgency, like the words he wanted, no needed to hear were like a drug he needed to survive.

"I love you," Adam breathed, one lone tear streamed down his face and died at his lips.

"One day?" Kris asked, his eyes full of hope, "Right?"

"One day," Adam smiled the faintest smile.

It was the hardest thing Kris ever had to do, was to walk away from Adam even though he knew he would see him again. He was bottling up all of his emotions to keep from breaking down as he walked the length of the parking lot carrying his summer suitcase with him. His stomach pained with every step he took in the opposite direction of his love. He felt the need to collapse on the dirty tar covered street and curl into a ball and cry and scream at the heavens and ask why-why? He was halfway thinking of carrying out that plan when his phone vibrated in his pocket. Not thinking he opened it and read a text message from Adam, making him stop in his tracks and smile brightly staring at the screen of his phone, his eyes pricked with tears.

Text from Adam: Everything is going to be okay, I promise, wipe those tears away...btw nice ass ;)

Kris laughed, that was his Adam. His Adam. He loved the sound of that, he couldn't wait until the day when they made it official. Not to themselves but to the public, and Kris kept focusing on how good it is going to feel once he is finally free to be who he wants to be and love and be loved by who he wants to be with. I don't care if it takes a decade, Kris replayed in his head. He cringed at the thought of it taking that long, but even if it did he knew his love for that man wasn't going anywhere, in ten, fifteen or even forty years. His Adam was the love of his life, and they will be together, out and happy. One Day.