Disclaimer: I don't own The Mortal Instruments.
Warning, sexual content at the end.
"Look, no hands!" my twin sister Joanna yelled cheerfully at me while riding her pink bicycle, her hands up in the air. We were at the mountains, in our favorite place. You could see everything from there, green mountains and golden city lights. The view was breathtakingly beautiful at night.
"That's great darling, keep going!" I responded. I started laughing and so did she. I was sitting on the grassy ground and singing along with some popular song that was playing on the radio on my MP3 player. I only had my other ear bud on so I could still hear Joanna.
We had drank a 'few' drinks that night, because it was our 18th birthday. I saw her blurry. Her long golden blond, wavy hair and white dress were floating in the wind while she was driving her bicycle. I also had golden blond and wavy hair. My eyes were gold and hers were dark blue with gold around pupils. I guess she had a little bit of both of our parents' eyes. Mom got gold eyes and dad got deep blue eyes.
I had bought her fake wings as her birthday gift. She had them on as she was driving around. I bought them for her, because she was like an angel with her hair and angular face as beautiful as angel. She was beautiful on the inside too. She was very nice and caring.
It was like she was flying when she was driving around with the wings on her back.
"Be careful, sweetheart!" I laughed. I was lost in singing a song in the radio and suddenly I noticed that I couldn't see her anywhere.
"Jace!" I heard her yelling my name cheerfully, laughing.
I stumbled to the direction where I heard her voice. Then I heard a scream and a crash. I started to run towards the edge, suddenly feeling very sober.
When I reached the edge, I saw her. She was lying on the road that surrounds the mountains. She was lying on her back in a very difficult position on top of her bicycle. Her white dress and wings ruined and covered in blood and dirt. I could see that there was a bleeding wound in her head. Her eyes were tightly shut, as if she was in a lot of pain. She looked like a fallen angel. It looked like someone would have ripped her wings off and pushed her down to earth.
I felt terrible, like no one had ever felt so bad before. I felt like I couldn't get enough air into my lungs. It felt like I was dying too. I just felt that there was nothing to be done. I could almost feel the life getting out of her. That didn't stop me from running down to her.
"I need you to hold on. I'm gonna call an ambulance," I said gently, softly stroking her blood stained hair away from her face. She was whimpering in pain.
"There's no point. I don't think I'm gonna make it," she struggled out. Tears started streaming down my cheeks. She has to make it. She opened her eyes and looked at me. She was breathing heavily, because she was in such a lot of pain. "I love you, Jace. You've been the best brother anyone could ever ask for." She took a deep breath, but didn't exhale it out. Her eyes changed to emotionless and her body was still.
I grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "Please wake up. Wake up. I need you to wake up!" I tried to plead her. There had to be some place still there that could hear my desperation, that could hear how much I needed her.
I looked deep into her lifeless eyes and angelic face. This is it, isn't it? My tears fell down to her face, mixing with her blood. I pressed my lips to her forehead, breathing shakily. I took one last glance at her and closed her eyes, knowing she would go to some place better. She was an angel after all.
I wake up feeling numb, like always. My brain decided kindly to remind me that it has been a year since that day. Today is May 30, our 19th birthday, but this time she won't be here to celebrate it with me like she always has. I haven't been in the mountains since then, but plan on going there tonight.
I get out of bed and do my normal morning routines. Sometimes I don't even remember if I already did something, because I do everything so automatically. I moved into my own apartment soon after Joanna died. I didn't feel like being around my parents, because they remind me too much of her. I don't really feel like being around anyone anymore. I just want to be alone.
My life is so empty. I can't complain, because it's my choice. I don't go to any school right now, since I already graduated from high school. I feel like I can't go to college right now. I probably wouldn't be able to concentrate on it. I'm such a mess.
I have some savings and my parents help me a lot. I really don't understand why they support me in this kind of lifestyle. They have tried to get me to see a therapist, but I can't. I'm afraid what will happen if my wall goes down and all the emotions behind it go free. I just wait if maybe they would disappear someday. Isn't time supposed to heal the pain?
Day goes by fast, just like any other day. I don't feel like celebrating my birthday. I don't even know how to celebrate it without Joanna. My parents call me to wish me happy birthday. They didn't come to visit me, because they know how I don't like to be bothered. They know that maybe someday I'll come around.
It's late and I decide to go to the mountains. I go there on my motorcycle. It's easy to drive there because of the road that goes around the mountains. I don't think anyone is gonna be there at this time of the evening. It's not really that crowded anyway.
I arrive to the highest part that you can go and park my motorcycle. I sit down on the grass and stare blankly at the view in front of me. Sure, it's just as beautiful as I remembered with its golden city lights. It just doesn't feel the same. Of course it doesn't.
I sit there staring at it. It makes me think about stuff. Is it ever going to get better? What do I do if it doesn't? Do I just have to come here and end my life by driving down the mountain on my motorcycle? No, I couldn't do that to my parents. And it wouldn't be very respectful towards Joanna.
I realize, that there's absolutely no point for me to sit here. I get up and turn to walk to my bike, but I stop as I notice a girl sitting on a bench further away. Why is she here? Maybe her life is as bad mess as mine. Or maybe she's just a normal person sitting and enjoying the view. It really isn't any of my business.
I go closer for some reason and I see that she has a long curly hair, much like Joanna's. Only her hair is red and curlier. What is this small redhead doing so late at the mountains all alone? I can't help it when the curiosity takes over me and I move closer and closer to her.
I can hear her sobbing. I used to be good at comforting crying people or more like crying sister, but I'm not so sure now. Some kind of instinct goes on and I move closer and sit down next to her. What the hell do I do now?
She swiftly wipes away her tears and turns to look at me. She has the most beautiful green eyes that right now look like the saddest too. Her beautiful petite face is sprinkled with freckles on her nose and cheeks. We look at each other's in silence, studying each other's faces.
Neither of us seems to be able to get any words out. I don't know what exactly I'm doing here, but I just can't leave her to sit here all alone and sad. I haven't been really that social for the past year, so it's taking me a while to come up with something to say.
"Rough day?" I finally ask.
"You could say so," she says in a small sad voice that makes me want to reach up and wrap my arms around her. But I can't do that, I just met her. "What about you? Aren't you supposed to be out clubbing and hitting on hot chicks rather than talking to a pathetic crying girl? After all, it is Saturday."
"I don't really like going out much or getting drunk," I tell her and she looks at me surprised. "And I definitely don't think you're pathetic." Now she looks even more surprised.
"You don't even know why I'm crying. And you didn't tell why you're here." What am I supposed to tell her? I can't just blurt out the truth to a complete stranger.
"It's my 19th birthday. So I came here." I force a small smile and she looks at me confused.
"Why would you come here to celebrate your birthday? Why aren't you celebrating it with your friends or having a party or something? Anything is better than this. You shouldn't be here wasting your time talking to me." I can see the tears coming back and she quickly wipes them away.
"Actually, this is the most exciting thing that has happened in my life for the past year."
"How is that possible?" she asks incredulously.
"I don't go out much." She looks at me like I'm crazy, which I probably am.
"Why?" She asks just the question I was dreading for. I stare at her for a moment.
"I… I can't…" Wow, really smooth. She probably understands better now.
She takes my hand in her small one and looks at me with a sad smile.
"It's okay. You don't have to tell me. I understand. I also have something I don't like to share. Sometimes people have things they just can't say out loud." I immediately get very curious of what she is hiding, but of course I can't ask her that. She just said she doesn't want to share it.
"So, why are you here? Enjoying the view? Taking an evening walk?" I ask and she starts to cry even more. What did I do? I panic and wrap my arms around her. She surprisingly lets me comfort her and doesn't pull away. This is the closest human contact I've had for a year and it feels so good.
I run my hand through her soft curls soothingly. "It's okay. Everything's going to be fine." I try to find comforting words, but everything that comes out sounds incredibly cliché. She pulls away and looks at me like I said the most ridiculous thing, which I probably did. Everything definitely is not okay, not to her or to me.
"Everything is not okay and it will never be okay ever again."
"You don't know that. Maybe everything will work out in the end," I try to reassure her. I mean, it can't be that bad, right?
"Apparently your problems aren't as bad as mine since you think that. Believe me when I say that my life can never be the way it was." I wish she could just tell me what is so wrong in her life, but I can't bear to break her even more by insisting to know what's wrong. I wrap my arm around her and run my hand up and down her arm. She rests her head on my shoulder.
"I haven't really had friends lately either. Something happened and I just…" She's interrupted by her quiet sobs.
"I know. But… Maybe we could be friends?" I ask her hopefully.
"I don't know…" I plead her with my eyes and she seems to give in. "Fine. But we can only meet here, okay?"
"Okay…" It's a little odd that she only wants to meet here, but I don't want to question it.
"Maybe we should go. It's getting late." I can't help but feel a little disappointed, but I'm gonna see her soon, I hope.
"You're right. We could meet tomorrow?"
"Are you really that eager to see me again?" She looks at me her eyebrows raised.
"Who wouldn't wanna be with a pretty girl like you?" Now her eyebrows seem to rise even more. "And I haven't hanged out with anyone in a year and you have something that makes me want to." She gives me a small smile.
I get up and wait for her to get up too, but she doesn't.
"Are you gonna get up?" She looks a bit uncomfortable.
"No. I'm going to text my brother and he'll pick me up, so I'll wait here."
"I could give you a ride on my motorcycle. Or I could wait until he gets here," I offer.
"No, that's okay. Go. I want to be alone for a while before he gets here." I wouldn't want to just leave her here alone and sad, but I guess I don't have a choice.
"Fine. What time should we meet tomorrow?"
"Is seven okay? I like watching the lights shine bright when it's dark."
"Me too. And seven is fine."
I smile at her and walk back to my bike. I look at her one last time and then speed off.
I wake up tired. I didn't sleep well, because I realized that there could be a chance that she wouldn't show up tonight. We didn't even exchange phone numbers. I didn't even remember to ask her name! I was so concentrated on figuring out what was wrong with her. And she was the first person I had really felt comfortable with in a year.
The day couldn't go any slower as these thoughts run in my head.
Finally it's almost seven and I go to my bike. When I arrive to the mountains she's already there, sitting on that same bench. I get off my bike and go sit next to her. She looks up and gives me a small smile.
"Hi," she says.
"Hey. Are you feeling better today?"
"Maybe a little. Yesterday was just a bad day. It reminded me of something. Not that I need a reminder of it." I have no idea what she's talking about and I don't know if I should ask her about it or not.
She then realizes what she said and her eyes widen.
"Forget that I said that. It's just…" she doesn't know how to finish, so I step in.
"Yesterday reminded me of something too. Something that happened," I say sadly and she looks at me curiously.
"What happened?"
"I haven't talked about it with anyone and I really don't want to even think about it." She nods like she understands.
She suddenly has a look on her face like she realized something and smiles a bit.
"I still don't know your name." Oh that! I chuckle and give her my hand.
"Jace Herondale."
"Clarissa Morgenstern, but I prefer Clary," she says as she shakes my hand.
"Well, my real name isn't actually Jace either, it's Jonathan, but no one calls me that."
"My brother's name is Jonathan too, but everyone mostly calls him Jon. Well, except our dad," she says smiling. I really like seeing her smiling and not suffering like yesterday. But if she gets sad, I won't have any problem in comforting her.
"Are you close to your brother?"
"Yeah, he's really nice. He takes care of me. What about you? Do you have any siblings?" That's a question I don't want to answer. I wish I could answer yes. But unfortunately what I have to answer is…
"No." I think my voice came out a bit weak, because now Clary is looking at me a bit weirdly.
"Oh. Well, are your parents nice?" I'm glad she didn't try to ask why I sounded like that.
"Yeah, they're great. They're very understanding." They really are since they don't try to push me to get over Joanna and move on with my life like nothing happened. But of course they understand how I feel since they're mourning her too.
"Do you have any hobbies?" I ask. I really want to get to know her. It's like in some level we understand each other's. We both have problems and understand that we don't want to talk about it.
"Yes, I like to draw and paint. I used to dance," she says wistfully. Maybe that's another thing I shouldn't ask about. "What about you?"
"I play piano and I like to read. I read a lot, because it keeps my mind off of things."
"I know, me too."
I start to feel a bit ridiculous, because we both obviously hide something and maybe we should talk about it. Maybe not. It would be really hard to talk about it. Maybe in time.
We talk about random things and get to know each other's better. Before we know it, it's getting late and we need to go. Again she wants to stay alone for a while until her brother comes to pick her up. And again she wants to meet only here and I can't help but ask.
"Why do you want to meet just here?" She looks at me for a while and then answers.
"Because I don't really like being around a lot of people and not many come up here." I have to agree with her in that. I just don't know if that is the real reason.
We agree to meet in a few days and I honestly don't know how I can stand to not see her in those few days. It's ridiculous. We just met yesterday and I already feel like there's some bond between us.
I can't help but hug her before I leave. She hesitantly wraps her arms around me and I really don't want to let go. I run my fingers through her soft hair a couple of times and then let her go. She looks up at me and I give her a small smile. I haven't smiled a lot lately, but just looking at her beautiful face makes me smile.
"I'll see you then," I say as I get up.
"Yeah, see you. Bye," she says and smiles.
"Bye."
I drive home with a smile on my face.
Few days later we meet again and she seems a bit sad.
"Is something wrong?" I ask as I sit down next to her. She looks up with sad eyes.
"I just don't know if we should keep seeing in here anymore," she says and looks down at her hands.
"Okay. Well, we can meet somewhere else."
"No, I mean we shouldn't see each other's at all anymore." No, I could not let that happen. Why doesn't she want to see me anymore? I've finally found someone who understands me, someone I actually want to see.
"Why?" is all I can say.
"There are a lot of things about me you don't know about and I don't really want to tell. And if you'd find out, I don't think you would want to see me anymore," she says sadly.
"There isn't a thing that could drive me away from you. I really like you," I confess. She looks up at me surprised.
"You can't like me. I mean look at me and then look at you. I'm sure you could do a lot better than me."
"I don't want anyone else but you. I don't care what you're hiding. And you obviously don't see how beautiful you are." She blushes and looks down.
"I'm just afraid how you'll react."
"Well, you'll never know if you won't even try," I say softly.
"I know, but…"
"No buts. You're stuck with me now." I smile and she chuckles.
"Fine!"
"Well that was easy," I say smugly.
"Don't get used to it."
"I won't. I'm sure behind that broken girl is a feisty stubborn little girl."
"I'm not little!" she defends.
"Of course not," I mumble and she glares at me.
We have a great day together. No matter how great time we have just sitting and talking, I would still like to do something else. Like take her on a date. I don't think she would accept, because she clearly doesn't want to meet anywhere else than here.
I'm desperate to know her secret, but I can't just start interrogating her. She'll tell me sooner or later. I hope.
"Could we meet earlier tomorrow here, because I would really like to draw you," she says.
"Of course you would. I think I'm every artists dream," I say arrogantly.
"I shouldn't have asked it. You know, just forget it," she says and sighs.
"Sorry. Of course we can meet earlier."
"Well, we won't if you keep acting like that," she says playfully.
"I'll behave. I promise. Is two okay?"
"Yes, that's fine," she answers and smiles that smile that makes my heart almost beat out of my chest. I'm definitely falling for her and I have no idea if she feels the same way.
"You should go," she says.
"So eager to get rid of me?"
"No, of course not. It's just getting really late and I'm tired."
"I know me too. See you tomorrow then?" I ask, smiling softly at her.
"See you."
Once again I give her a hug. I love hugging her small frame and I love feeling her arms around me. I wish I wouldn't have to go home and I could just stay here and hug her tightly, make her forget her problems and forget my own.
We separate, but before I get up I press a small kiss on her cheek. She blushes and looks away. So cute.
I smile and get up from the bench. Again I drive home with a smile.
"Can you pick me some flowers?" Clary asks as I arrive to the mountains. She's already sitting on the bench and drawing something on her sketch book.
"Sure," I say and go pick some. I don't know why she needs them. There are a lot of different flowers growing up here. The place looks so beautiful when the sun is shining brightly on the flowers. I lean to pick up some dandelions, but Clary stops me.
"No yellow flowers!" she commands.
"Okay…" I say confused. I walk along and pick different flowers. I pick some orange and light pink gerberas. Then I decide to pick some red tulips. I think I have enough and walk back to Clary who is still drawing.
"Here you go," I say and smile charmingly to her as I give her the flowers.
"They're beautiful!" she says and takes the flowers. She puts her sketch book and pencils aside. She then starts tangling the flowers together.
"Are you making a flower crown?" I ask suspiciously. She turns to look at me and smiles.
"Yes," is all she says.
"You're not going to put it on me are you?"
"Yes I am and then I'm going to draw you," she says as she continues making the crown. She never puts a same color flower next to each other's. "But don't worry, you're gonna look so pretty." She turns to smirk at me.
I smile and roll my eyes. I watch her as her small artistic hands skilfully make a beautiful, colorful flower crown. That's when I remember how she told me not to pick up yellow flowers.
"Why couldn't I pick up yellow flowers?" She raises her head to look at me.
"Because they wouldn't have stood out so much from your hair."
"Are you saying that my hair is yellow?" I act offended.
"No, it's just same shade as your hair, which is golden blond."
"That's more like it. My hair is not yellow. It's beautiful golden," I say arrogantly.
"You know what? I take it back. Your hair is more yellow." She smiles smugly and goes back to making the flower crown. I sit there gaping at her as she finishes her work.
"Lean over so I can put it on," she commands. I lean closer and let her put it on top of my head. I'm sure I look so pretty.
I sit straight and grin at her.
"Do I look pretty?" I ask. She lets out a small laugh.
"Yes. You look so pretty. Now, sit still."
She takes her sketch book and different colored pencils. She starts to work on her drawing with a concentrated look on her pretty face. I stare at her intensively. She notices my stare and blushes. I smile, happy I have some kind of effect on her.
"Done," she soon says and looks at her drawing proudly.
"Let me see." She shows me the drawing and I'm amazed. I didn't know she was this good. In the drawing I'm smiling the affectionate smile I smiled when I noticed her blush. The flower crown sits atop my head. It's truly amazing.
"That's really good," is all I can say.
"Thanks," she says and I can see that she's not very good at taking compliments.
"Can I see some others?" I ask and she looks a bit uncomfortable.
"No. It's just, that they're really personal." I nod in understanding.
We continue talking a long while. It's just so easy talking with her. We talk so long that the sun is already starting to set. The setting sun is reflecting in a beautiful glow in her red curly hair. I can't help but stare at her mesmerized.
"You look so beautiful," I blurt out. She looks surprised and once again blushes.
I reach and move her hair behind her ear. I keep my hand there and gently stroke her cheek with my thumb. Neither of us says anything. We just stare each other's.
I slowly start to lean in until my lips slightly brush against hers. She gasps softly and moves her head away. I feel a pang of hurt in my chest. Does this mean she doesn't feel the same way or is she just insecure?
I sit up straight and an awkward silence gathers around us.
"It's getting late," she says in a small voice. I turn to look at her and wonder if I screwed everything up.
"I'm sorry. I just couldn't help myself," I apologize and hope it's enough. She turns to look at me and her face is expressionless. I'm shit scared. What if she never wants to see me again?
"I think you should go," she says. I feel like my whole life just shattered to tiny pieces. I finally found someone special and I screwed it up. I hung my head and get up.
I go to my bike and drive away. This time I don't drive straight home. I need to know what she's hiding. So, I decide to drive just around the corner.
I get off the bike as I find a good hiding spot. She's still sitting on the bench and now she's crying. It sounds so heartbreaking. I want nothing more than to just go there and give her a big comforting hug.
Her body is shaking with sobs she lets out and I can feel my eyes start to moisten with my own tears.
"Why?!" she yells, still crying uncontrollably.
I stand there and wait. She just sits there and cries and it's killing me.
Soon a white-blond haired, tall guy rushes to her side. He goes to sit beside her and wraps his arms around her. I would assume it's just her brother, but they look nothing alike.
I instantly feel jealous. That should be me comforting her.
They sit there for a while and her cries start to slow down.
"Let's go home," I hear the guy say softly. Maybe that is her brother.
He takes her in his arms and starts to carry her to the parking lot. I follow them.
"I'm so sick of this, Jon," I hear Clary say. So that really is her brother. What is she talking about?
"I know," he says gently.
"I'm sorry I'm always bothering you. It must be annoying to have to drive and come pick me up every time I want to come here," Clary says in a weak voice.
"You need to stop apologizing. You're not a burden to me. I'm your brother and I'm glad to help you. "
"I know. I'm just so frustrated. Why did this have to happen to me?" She starts to cry again.
"I honestly don't know. You don't deserve this. But at least you didn't die. I don't know what I would have done if I had lost you."
I can't help but agree with him. At least he didn't have to know how awful this feels like. I wonder what happened to her.
"Yeah, I only lost my ability to walk. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather be dead."
My eyes widen. I should have known. She never got up from the bench or moved her legs. How was I so oblivious? The information doesn't change the way I feel about her. Of course it doesn't. I can understand that she feels like she would be a burden if we would start something. But it really isn't that way.
Her brother stops walking as he hears her words.
"Don't ever say that again, okay? I can't even think about losing you. Promise me you won't ever try anything," he demands, his voice wavering a bit.
"I promise," she sighs.
He continues carrying her to the car and I decide to walk back to my bike.
I did get some answers, but I feel a bit guilty. I should have just waited until she's ready to tell me. But then again, maybe she would've never been ready. We didn't even agree to meet again! What am I gonna do now?
It's been a week since the last time I saw Clary. I've gone to the mountains every day during the week and I won't give up until I see her again.
Week turns into a month and there's still no trace of her. Why didn't I ever ask her number? What if she'll never go there again and I'll never see her again?
I roll out of my bed to face another day. It's going to be the same as every day. Everything is same again as it was before I met Clary, maybe even worst. I was happier when I was with her. I was even happy in those days when I didn't see her, because I still knew I was going to see her soon again.
But now here I am again, the emotionless robot I was before Clary. Only difference is that now I go outside every day to the mountains in hope of seeing her again. Every time I go up there I have this image in my head, an image of seeing her sitting on that bench. I imagine how relieved I would feel. I can almost feel the tension getting out of my body, but it comes back ten times worst when I see the bench empty.
And this is it again, the torturous moment when I round the last corner filled with hope of seeing the familiar red curls. I repair my body for the disappointment that will come, but as I round the corner the immense relief finally takes over my body as I see who's sitting on the bench.
"Clary! Finally!" I yell as I run to her. She looks at me eyes wide as I sit next to her. I guess she didn't expect to see me here.
"What are you doing here?" she asks shocked.
I can feel how my body relaxes as I can finally see her beautiful green eyes and freckled face again. It's crazy how much I've missed her.
"I've been coming here for a month now every day in hope of seeing you again." I hope that doesn't sound too creepy.
"Why?" she asks confused.
"Isn't it obvious? I really like you. I might even be in love with you." I have to tell her all my feelings now that she's finally here.
She just looks at me shocked and shakes her head.
"No, you can't be. If only you would know…" I think I know what she's talking about. She thinks I wouldn't want to be with her if I'd know she can't walk, but I don't care.
"I do know," I say quietly and her eyes widen.
"No you don't. If you would know you wouldn't still be here. And how could you even know?"
"Last time we were here, I didn't go straight home, I stayed around the corner. I wanted some answers. I heard your conversation with your brother. I know you can't walk and I don't care. It doesn't change my feelings for you."
She stares at me with tears in her eyes.
"Even if you don't care, I do. I can't accept myself like this. I don't believe I could love someone else if I can't even love myself. I'm not saying I couldn't have any feelings for you. I do feel something. I just can't do this."
I understand better now what's going on inside her head, but I'm not giving up so easily.
I take her hands in mine. They're warm and small.
"I want to help you accept yourself. I know it seems impossible, but I'm not giving up on you. Please give me a chance." I plead her with my eyes. Her eyes look sad and it looks like she's ready to turn me down. Well too bad, because I'll keep asking until she says yes.
"I can't," she says quietly, looking down at our united hands. But I'm not hearing it.
"We'll start with something small. How did it happen? When did it happen?" I don't actually know if that is so small.
She stays quiet for a while and then sighs.
"It was over a year ago. I was walking around the road that surrounds the mountains. I was out of inspiration and I wanted to find new places to draw. This seemed like a perfect place. I was just below there," she tells and points down at the road a little lower, the same place where I found Joanna. I cringe at the sudden image of her lifeless body that invades my mind. I push it away and concentrate on Clary's story.
"I was listening to music and was mesmerized by the sight of the lights. I didn't hear it when something suddenly came crushing down on me. I fell down the hill. It was a pretty big fall and I'm surprised I didn't die. A part of me did though. I was shocked to wake up at the hospital and find out that I couldn't feel my legs. I soon found out that my legs were paralyzed from knee down. The doctor said that I could get prosthetic legs, but my family couldn't afford it. It's way too expensive."
"Did you ever find out what it was that hit you?"
"Yes. Some girl had been bicycling up here and then she had fallen off the edge with the bike because she was drunk. She died. I heard she was only eighteen," she says sadly.
My hands are shaking where they're still united with Clay's. I'm looking at her shocked. I feel like all the emotions I've been trying to hide so hard are rushing onto me and I can't control it.
Clary lifts her gaze up and looks at me questioningly.
"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" I didn't even realize I was crying until she points it out. I can feel the tears streaming down my face and it won't stop. I feel like I can't bring myself to say anything.
"She was my sister," I finally choke out.
"The girl who died?" she questions softly and I nod. She reaches out and wipes off the tears with her thumbs. She pulls me into her arms and I wrap my arms around her tightly. I feel so weak as I cry in her arms, but at the same time I feel free as I let all the emotions finally go. I couldn't imagine a better place or a moment to let them free. Her arms give me the comfort I've needed all this time.
We stay in our embrace for a long time and I feel myself relaxing and my eyes drying from the tears. I run my fingers through her hair one last time and pull back, still keeping my arms loosely around her.
"So, I guess we're both kind of fucked up, right?" she asks, smiling slightly.
"Yeah." I smile back at her gently and stroke her hair.
"Is that why you were here when we met? Because it had been a year since it happened?"
"Yes. It was also our birthday. We were twins." I can see her eyes moisten.
"That's so awful. I can't even imagine what would happen to me if my brother would die. He has been such a help for me since the incident." I wipe the tears away from her face with my thumb.
I wonder how Clary survived the fall, but Joanna didn't. Of course I'm glad that Clary survived it, I'm just wondering. Maybe it was because Joanna was driving her bicycle and she landed right on top of it in a very difficult position. Or maybe the fall was bigger.
I pull Clary in for another hug. When we separate, an important question pops into my head.
"Can I have your phone number? I don't want to take the risk that this happens again, that I have to come here every day until I see you again. 'Cause I swear I will." She seems hesitant, but finally gives in and gives me her number. I grin at her happily.
I just really want to kiss her right now. I've waited too long. I decide to take the risk and lean down slowly. I cup her face with my other hand and it doesn't look like she's pulling away. She does seem to be a little wary. Finally my lips brush against hers. She doesn't pull away, so I press my lips firmer to hers.
I start moving my lips and she hesitantly responds. It's as amazing as I imagined. We exchange some gentle kisses and then I pull away, not wanting to put too much pressure on her.
"Will you go out with me?" I ask.
"I don't know if that's a good idea," she says sadly.
"Just one date. If you don't like it, then… Well, then I guess I'll just have to accept defeat," I say and pout. She looks at me for a moment, thinking.
"Okay, just one date." A huge smile spreads to my face.
A couple days later I text Clary and tell her to meet me at the mountains at seven for our date. When she agrees, I go to the mountains to prepare the date.
I decide to try to make the place look as beautiful as possible. I put a soft blanket on the grassy ground. I bought some lights that work on batteries earlier just for this. I put them to the trees and to the ground around the blanket. I also pick up some flowers and sprinkle them near the lights on the ground. The lights might seem a bit cliché, but I'm sure her artistic mind will appreciate it.
I also put out the things I brought for us to eat and drink. I didn't really know what she likes so I picked out a lot of things, like strawberries, blueberry muffins and chocolate. For drink I brought soda and mango ice tea.
I also have with me a mini radio that I own. I set it down, but don't turn it on yet.
I make sure that everything is perfect and then just wait for her to come. We agreed that we'd meet at the parking lot at the mountains.
I go downwards the path that leads to the parking lot as the clock nears seven. Soon a car arrives and Clary's brother, Jon comes out. Clary opens her door. Jon walks towards me and reaches out his hand.
"Hi, I'm Jon, Clary's brother. You must be Jace," he says and I shake his hand.
"Yes, I am. Nice to meet you. Clary has talked about you."
"You'll take care of her right," he says a little nervously. I understand how he's worried about his sister. I used to know that feeling very well.
"Of course," I say, smiling at him encouragingly.
"Good." He then goes to get Clary out of the car. He carries her in his arms to me. She looks so beautiful. She's wearing a flowing red dress that reaches her ankles and black flats. Covering her arms is a black cardigan. Her red hair is in her natural curls and she has a small amount of make-up. Her lips are painted red, matching the dress.
"Hi, Jace," she greets me, smiling.
"Hi. You ready for our date?"
"Yeah," she says and then turns to look at her brother. "I'll let you know when you can come pick me up."
"Okay. Be careful." He presses a small kiss on her forehead. He then hands Clary over to me and I take her to my arms. She feels so light. Well, she is very small.
We say our goodbyes to Jon and he then drives off. I walk Clary up the path to the clearing. As we arrive there, I hear her gasp. I turn my face to study her reaction. Her eyes are wide as she takes it all in. I can see her eyes moisten a bit. Hopefully that's a good sing.
"It's so beautiful. I can't believe you went through all this trouble for me," she says in a small voice.
"It was not trouble at all. I really wanted to do this for you. I wanted to make our first date as perfect as possible."
I gently set her down on the blanket. Her legs are spread out on the blanket and she leans on her hands.
"Is that good? Are you comfortable?" I ask.
"Yes, it's good. Thanks." She smiles at me reassuringly and I settle down to sit next to her.
I turn on the radio. I set it earlier to a channel that plays slow and relaxing songs.
"Is this channel good? I can change it if it's too…"
"Relax, Jace. Everything's perfect." I sigh and try to calm my nerves.
"Sorry. I'm just so nervous. I want to make a good impression. I just need everything to be perfect so you'd see how much in love with you I am." She looks at me wide eyed. "I know that you feel something towards me. And maybe in time you could love me too." I hope I'm not pressuring her.
I stroke her hair and she nods slightly.
"Maybe. If I'm able to give myself the chance. Let's just see how this evening goes. And try not to stress about everything." She smiles.
"Okay," I say and lean in to give her a kiss on the cheek.
We spend the evening eating and talking. Thankfully she does like all the stuff I brought.
"Do you want to dance? I mean, I could take you into my arms and swirl you around," I ask a little nervously. I just hope that the mention of dancing didn't make her sad.
"Sure." She smiles brightly. I reach out and take her into my arms. She wraps her arms around my neck. I stand up and start to sway a little in my place. I guess I didn't think this further.
"You don't really know how to dance, do you?" Clary asks amused and I let out a chuckle.
"No, I really don't."
"You could like spin around or something." I start to spin her around slowly and she looks so happy as she closes her eyes and enjoys the feeling. This continues for a while until I start to feel a little dizzy. I still sway a little. She opens her eyes and looks up at me. "Thank you, Jace, for everything."
I just nod slightly and lean down to kiss her which she easily responds. She tangles her fingers in my hair. We continue kissing gently, but it seems like she doesn't want gentle as she tugs my hair and kisses me deeper. I groan against her mouth.
I place her down to the blanket and lay down next to her, still kissing. My hands softly wander in her body. We kiss passionately for a while and then we separate, breathing heavily. I start kissing her neck and she tucks my hair harder. I hear her releasing small moans as I continue sucking and kissing her neck.
I realize that I have to stop, because if I continue hearing Clary making those noises any longer, I won't be able to. I press a kiss on her lips and then lean my forehead against hers.
"Why'd you stop?" she asks breathlessly.
"Because my self-control is slipping." She blushes and I grin at her.
"Oh. I didn't realize I had that kind of effect on you." I look at her incredulously.
"Really?" I raise an eyebrow.
"I've never really had that kind of effect on anyone. I wasn't popular before the accident and definitely not after it. Who would want a girl in wheelchair?" she says quietly and turns her head away.
"I would. I don't care. I wouldn't care if you wouldn't have arms or if you'd be blind. I love you no matter what." Clary turns to look at me gives me a small smile.
"I don't understand why you feel that way about me, but I guess that's just something you can't explain. I'm not complaining. I like feeling loved. And I think I want to give you a chance." A wide smile spreads to my face.
"Really? That would mean so much to me. You mean so much to me." She runs her hand through my hair and looks up at me.
"You've had a big effect on my life. I always thought that I was less of a person because of my legs. And when I'm with you, you make me feel more complete with all the things you say." It feels so good to finally hear that I do have some effect on her and it's not just me.
"I guess we both kind of complete each other's," I say and stroke her cheek. I lean down to kiss her again. Our lips move slowly against each other's. It's just what I need right now. I just don't want things to get too heated up right now. It's not like she would want to have sex with me right here and this is not the right time.
I peck her lips few more times.
"I think I should call Jon to come pick me up. It's getting late." Once again she runs her fingers through my hair. I can't blame her. I would do it too. After all, it is very soft. I decide to answer her before my arrogant thoughts take over control.
"You're right. Would you like to come over to my place someday?" I waste no time asking and pull her up to a sitting position. I pull her to my lap and wrap my arms around her.
"Sure. I'll call you when." She gives me a kiss. She calls her brother to come pick her up and I then take her to the parking lot. I'll just clean everything up after she leaves.
"So, was everything perfect tonight?" I ask Clary as we wait for Jon to arrive.
"It was, after you didn't stress about everything being perfect." I know she's only joking from the playful tone of her voice and the grin.
"I just wanted to impress you." I pout and she leans to kiss me. Just as our lips touch, I hear a car horn. We sprung apart and see Jon coming out of his car. Thankfully he doesn't look mad for seeing me kissing Clary. He's smirking.
"Did you have fun?" he asks as he reaches us. I reluctantly hand Clary over to him.
"Yes, we had a great time. It was perfect." She says the last part grinning at me and I roll my eyes. I have a feeling that she's never gonna get tired of teasing me for being so nervous of everything being perfect.
"I'll see you later," I say.
"See you." She smiles.
"Thank you for taking care of my sister," Jonathan says gratefully.
"No problem."
He takes her to the car and they drive off. I go to clean everything off and drive away with my motorcycle, happier that I've been in a year.
I had to wait a week that Clary called me again. I don't know if she enjoys torturing me or if she was just busy.
She said her brother was going to bring her and that she has her wheelchair so I don't need to come pick her up from the parking lot. She didn't have the wheelchair with her at the mountains, because it would've been hard to roll it up to the clearing from the parking lot. Plus, she didn't actually need it there seeing all she did there was sit on that bench.
Soon I hear the doorbell. I go open the door and see Clary in a wheelchair. I smile at her and open the door wider so she can come in. She rolls her way inside and I close the door.
I crouch down on her level and kiss her. And then I kiss her again. And again.
"Really? I can't even greet you before you're attacking my mouth," she says.
"Well if someone wouldn't have made me wait a whole week before calling me…" I trail off.
"It's just a week, Jace. Not like a month or something." She strokes my cheek.
"No, but I still missed you. Didn't you miss me at all?" I ask.
"No, not really," she teases. I take her out of the wheelchair and into my arms. "You know, I have the wheelchair now, so you don't have to carry me."
"I know, but I want to. I enjoy having you in my arms," I say and grin at her. She rolls her eyes.
I walk us to the living room and sit down on the couch. I keep Clary in my lap, my arms wrapped around her. She looks around the apartment.
"Nice place. How do you afford living here if you don't have a job?"
"I have a lot of savings and my parents help me too. But I am thinking of getting a job so I could keep some of my savings and not use it all on my living." And I know just the perfect way to spend the savings, but I'm not gonna tell her that yet.
"Where are you planning on using the savings then? Maybe travel? Or a car? I mean, you can't possibly drive with that motorcycle for the rest of your life." I gasp in mock offense.
"How can you say that about my dear motorcycle? And no, I'm not going to spend it on a car or traveling."
"Then what are you gonna spend it on?" she asks curiously. Wouldn't you like to know…
"I'm not going to tell you. At least not yet." She studies my face, trying to figure out my secret. I can't help but want to kiss her as her face is so close to mine, her gaze so intent. And that is just what I do, since I can't take the look anymore. It's doing things to me and if I'd get hard right now, she would definitely feel it.
Our kiss immediately gets passionate and she grabs a hold of my hair. I slide my tongue into her mouth and it feels like she's pressing into my lap more. I change her position so that her legs are on both side of me. She wastes no time and starts to grind slightly against me. We both groan against our mouths.
We separate and I can see the hunger in her eyes. I move down to kiss her neck, remembering how much she liked it last time. Those same delicious noises begin to pour out of her mouth as I keep sucking and nipping at her neck. This time I don't feel like we should stop. I really don't want to stop. I've wanted this for so long.
She's pulling at my hair and pressing against my hard on. I go lower and plant kisses on her collarbone and then near her chest. She's making a bit louder noises now and I feel like I'm going to burst.
I lift my head to look up at Clary. She's breathing heavily and her eyes are hooded.
"Don't tell me you want to stop," she pleads and it's like music to my ears.
"Definitely not. But are you sure? Do you really wanna do this?" I have to make sure. I could still stop, of course. I really don't want to mess this up.
"Yes." Right after the word leaves her mouth I lift us up and take her to my bedroom. I lay her down on the bed carefully and settle down next to her.
"I'm guessing this is your first time?" I ask.
"Yes," she says a bit nervously.
"Don't worry, I'll be gentle," I assure her and lower my mouth on her. I start to peel off her shirt, my fingers sliding up her soft skin. As I reach her breasts, I squeeze them gently. She separates from my mouth to let out a small moan. I keep touching her chest for a while, Clary looking at me with lust.
I take her shirt off and right after that I take off her bra. I kiss the area around her breasts before taking her other nipple in to my mouth and sucking it.
"Please, Jace," she pleads desperately, lifting her hips to reach mine. I press down on her and groan against her nipple. She tugs on my shirt and I take it off. Right after that she starts to open the button of my jeans. I impatiently take them off. And then goes the rest of our clothes.
We're both breathing heavily as we've finally managed to get rid of our clothes. I slide my hands up and down her beautiful naked body. I see how wet she is and I feel like I can't waste any more time.
I move my hand to feel how wet she is and she whimpers.
"I can't wait to be inside this dripping wet hole," I say huskily and put one finger inside her.
"Then what are you waiting for?" she breathes out.
I waste no more time as I grab a condom from my nightstands drawer and put it on. I place myself above her and put my hands on her waist. I lock eyes with Clary as I slowly slide inside her. The expression in her face is painful and I wait for her to adjust me. After all, I'm not exactly small.
I see the pain fading away little so I start moving. She feels so tight and wet wrapped around me. I groan at the heavenly feeling. As I move in and out of her I notice that she starts to enjoy it too. Once again she's making those noises, only louder now. They make me absolutely fucking crazy and I can't help but move faster and groan louder.
I look into her pleasure filled green eyes and lean down to kiss her passionately. She's still moaning against my mouth and my pace gets out of control. I know that she is definitely going to be sore, but we're both enjoying this so much right now.
I'm thrusting into her fast and groaning against her mouth as I feel myself close to coming. I separate my mouth from her and groan her name loudly as I come. I immediately feel her coming as well, moaning my name. I feel her twitching below me as she's riding out her orgasm.
Soon we're both still and panting heavily. I kiss her, our lips moving gently against each other's. I settle down, my head on her chest. We stay there for a while, enjoying each other's company.
"Can you stay the night?" I break the silence.
"Yes, I just need to let someone at home know that," Clary answers, sounding tired. She definitely is after what we just did.
Clary tells me her phone is in the pocket of her jeans, so I take it and give it to her. After she texts Jon that she'll stay the night, I take her to my arms.
"So, are you still not gonna tell me where you'll use your savings?" I look down at her surprised.
"You're still thinking about it?"
"Yes. You seemed so suspicious," she answers, her eyes narrowing as she once again tries to study me. Maybe I should tell her now.
"You really wanna know?" I tease her.
"Yes!" she exclaims slightly frustrated.
"Well, it kind of does concern you, so…" She looks at me with an impatient look on her face. I'm enjoying too much on making her frustrated. "I was thinking that I could pay for the operation to get you prosthetic legs."
Her eyes widen and she just stares at me, unable to speak. I know she's stubborn and it might take a while to convince her to let me do this. Of course it's a big decision on her part too.
"What? I don't want you to use your money on me. Not that much at least!" She still stares at me shocked.
"I know it might be hard to accept it, but I want to make you happy. I want you to be able to live a normal life."
"But what if we break up? Then you'll regret that you used all your savings on me." I feel this tight feeling in my chest just thinking of breaking up with her and never seeing her again. I swallow the lump down my throat and answer.
"I don't think you realize how much you mean to me. Even if we would break up, I would still be happy that I had the opportunity to be with you and affect your life so much."
She's still thinking about it and I don't think neither of us is going to sleep anytime soon, no matter how tired we were just a moment ago.
We continue to argue for I don't know how long until she finally sighs in defeat.
"Fine. I do need this and I would be crazy to not accept it. It just makes me feel so selfish for taking all your money." I hug her bare body tightly to mine, enjoying the warmth of her skin.
"You're not selfish. I'm insisting and I won't take no for an answer." I smile down at her, which she responds. I drag her closer to my face and kiss her. Clary then rests her head on my chest and falls asleep almost immediately. She must be very tired after the sex and arguing about letting me pay her surgery.
"I love you," I whisper and wish she could someday feel the same way, if she doesn't already.
"I'm so nervous," Clary says as she's lying on her hospital bed, ready for the surgery. They amputated her legs a few weeks ago. The legs needed the time to heal before they could put the prosthetic legs on her.
I'm holding her hand and her family is gathered around her bed.
They were very thankful when they found out that I had offered to pay for Clary's prosthetic legs. Her mom, dad and brother had all tears in their eyes when Clary and I went to her house and told them. Then she also introduced me as her boyfriend to them and she introduced her parents to me. The first thing I noticed was that her mother looks like Clary and her father looks like Jon.
"I know, but soon you'll wake up and you'll have legs that you can use," I try to reassure her.
"I'm just scared. After all, I am having a new pair of legs. I'm afraid of how I'll get used to them"
We all reassure her, giving her comforting words. Soon the nurses come to pick her up for the surgery. The doctor has already showed Clary her new legs and explained what's going to happen in the surgery.
I give Clary a one last kiss and her family hugs her and then she's rolled away. We go to the cafeteria to get some coffee and then go to the waiting area to wait for it to be over.
Even though I know it's gonna go alright, I'm still nervous. What if there'll be some complications? Clary's mom clearly notices that I'm nervous and pats me on the knee.
"She'll be alright. The doctor said he has done a lot of those surgeries without any complications," she reassures me.
"I know. I'm just worried."
"I'm so happy that Clary found such a great boyfriend. You've been good for her. Before she just used to mope around at home all the time. Then she started to hang out with you. I could see that she was happier. And now this. I don't know how I can ever thank you enough," she finishes with a smile.
"Letting me be with your daughter is enough," I simply say. It's true. Nothing right now is more important than her.
We wait impatiently for a long time until the doctor finally arrives. We all bolt up fast and walk to the doctor. He tells us that everything went as expected and Clary is now in her room and she should wake up soon.
Soon we're all gathered around Clary's bed, waiting for her to wake up. Her legs are covered with the sheets so we can't see her new legs yet. I stroke her hair gently and notice her starting to stir. Slowly she opens her eyes and I feel relieved. I wait for her to completely wake up before questioning her.
"How are you feeling?" I ask.
"Normal. I didn't feel my legs before and I don't feel them now either. Although, it does feel different of course. They might have given me some painkillers since I don't feel any pain."
"Yes, the doctor told us that they gave you pain medicine," her dad says.
Clary looks down at her legs with a scared expression.
"Would you like to see them?" her mom asks.
"I'm so nervous to see what they look like on me. I have seen them before, but now they're actually attached to my body." I give her hand a squeeze. She looks so nervous and scared, it nearly breaks my heart. "Okay," she says and takes a deep breath.
I help her to sit up. Hesitantly she reaches for the covers and lifts them over her legs. The whole room is silent as Clary looks at her new legs.
"How do you feel?" I ask.
"Weird," she answers, not taking her eyes off of her legs.
The day is spent Clary getting used to her new legs. The doctor told that she can go home tomorrow. Her family is hesitant to leave her, especially Jon who is always worried about her. But they are reassured that I stay with her. After they leave Clary tries to make me leave too, but that's not gonna happen and she knows it. She's just so stubborn. That's one of the many things I really love about her.
"I love you," I say, smiling and stroking her hair.
"Even if I have metallic legs now?" she teases.
"Yes, no matter what, I'll always love you." I kiss her and pull back to face her nervous face.
"I- I love you too," she says nervously. I smile at her brightly and kiss her again, this time longer.
After our make out session, Clary makes space for me on her bed and I settle down next to her. Then we drift off to sleep.
The next few months go by as Clary adjusts to her new legs. She goes to physiotherapy and learns to walk on them. It makes me so happy to see that bright smile on her face as she walks.
"Do you wanna try walking again?" I ask Clary as we're sitting on the couch in our apartment. Yes, our apartment. Clary moved in with me two months after the surgery.
I have seen my parents more often and they're happy that I've finally gotten my life back together. I even got a job.
Of course I'm still sometimes sad as I remember Joanna, but it doesn't hurt so much anymore. Clary has been a great distraction and she has made me really happy. I don't know where I'd be now if I would've never met her.
Clary agrees to try walking and I help her to stand up. She leans on me for support and walks slowly. There's that same smile on her face that's always there when she stands or walks.
"Do you want to try walking without support?" I ask. She hasn't been able to do that before, but she hasn't really tried it either.
She agrees and I step back. She takes a hesitant step forward and then another. Then she's walking slowly on her own. The smile on her face grows and she looks at me with amazement.
"I can do it!" she exclaims happily.
"I knew you could do it," I say and walk over to her. I wrap my arms around her waist and she reaches to wrap her arms around my neck. "Maybe soon you'll be able to dance a little." That seems to brighten her smile even more.
"Maybe. It won't be as graceful as before but it's still something."
When I first met her I never would've thought that I could make that sad girl look so happy as she is now. I also never would've thought back then that I could possibly be this happy.
"Do you want to go to bed? It's getting late," I say, but sleeping is the last thing on my mind. She seems to see that.
"Are you tired?" she asks with a teasing smile and kisses me.
"No, not at all."
"Then why do you wanna go to bed?" She starts to kiss my neck.
"You know why?" I groan out.
"No, I really don't." She continues kissing my neck seductively. I groan both in pleasure and frustration. I bury my fingers in her soft curls and lift her head. I bring my lips down to hers passionately. She moans against my mouth.
I lift her off the ground to my arms. Clary separates her mouth from mine.
"You know, you don't have to carry me anymore," she says, breathing heavily.
"I know, but it'd be too slow if I'd let you walk." I grin down at her.
"Hey!" I muffle down her protests with my mouth and she melts against me immediately. I carry her to our bedroom. I know that I'll carry her to our bedroom for the rest of our lives, no matter if she can walk or not. Just to annoy her.
I hope there wasn't many mistakes, although I did check it many times. I also tried to make everything as realistic as possible, but I'm not sure how I succeeded.
I have written other TMI fanfics with different pairings and I might post some of them later.