Endings and Beginnings
May 1957
Hawkeye was struck by how tiny Erin looked as she sat in the hospital's waiting area, her hands folded in her lap. Not just tiny but vulnerable, and very close to tears.
He made a beeline toward her but was taken aback to see her recoiling at his bold approach. Then he realized that she didn't recognize him, and he forced himself to slow down, even though he wanted desperately to go to her and sweep her into a comforting embrace. "Erin? You don't remember me, huh? Well, that makes sense, it's been a long time since you saw me last. I'm Hawkeye."
Her eyes widened a little, perhaps surprised that her dad's friend had come all the way across the country, but her mouth curved into a shy smile, so similar to her dad's. "Oh," she said in a small voice. "Hi. Did my daddy call you?"
Hawkeye took a seat next to her, still playing it safe and not touching her, though he was fairly certain the poor child could use a hug. Best to take his cue from her. "Yeah, he called and I came just as soon as I could. Is he in with your mom?"
Erin nodded. She was swinging her legs nervously. He looked around to see if she'd been left with any playthings or books… anything to keep her occupied… but there was nothing. "Erin, listen, I want to see your dad and let him know that I'm here, but then I'm going to come right back here and sit with you, OK? Or we can take a walk or go get something to eat in the cafeteria, whatever you feel like doing. Can you wait here a second while I go see your dad?"
"Sure." She pointed toward the hallway. "Her room is down there."
He nodded; he had already gotten the room number from a nurse on his way in. "Be right back, sweetie."
B.J. was bent over his wife's body when Hawkeye stepped into the room, and at first he had the horrific thought that Peg had passed. But no, the machines above her bed were reflecting her vitals, however weak they were. B.J. was apparently just exhausted, and resting his head as he sat vigil.
"Beej?" Hawkeye said softly.
B.J.'s head snapped up at the sound of his best friend's voice. The look in his eyes was a mixture of relief, gratitude, and sorrow. In the next instant, he was up and in Hawkeye's arms, crying and holding on so tightly that Hawkeye had difficulty breathing. Hawk ran a soothing hand over his back and waited out the emotional reaction. He glanced at B.J.'s sleeping wife. She was very pale and looked much older than she was. The cancer had really taken a toll on her. Hawkeye wasn't sure he would've recognized her out of context.
"She's leaving me, Hawk," B.J. finally managed to say.
"I'm so sorry." Hawkeye knew it was the only possible response in such a situation, but it was terribly inadequate. "Beej, I'm here for you. I'm here."
B.J. nodded against Hawkeye's shoulder and eventually pulled back to look at his face. "I can't thank you enough for coming all the way out here…"
"Stop. Anything you need, you got it." With his thumb, he wiped away a tear under B.J.'s left eye. "I'm glad you called me, I'm glad to help." He took another look at Peg, then shifted his attention back to B.J. He didn't have to ask about her condition; he could tell. "Right now," he continued, "you need to be here with your wife. That needs to be your whole focus. And I promised Erin some food or a walk or whatever she wants."
"You're a godsend. She hated being in here… seeing Peg like this upsets her too much. But sitting out there in the waiting area, that has to be scary too. I didn't know what to do. I'm so… Hawkeye, everything is too confusing right now."
"And that's exactly why I'm here. To help you out. You stay here with Peg. I'll go with Erin to get some lunch, and then we'll come back here and we'll figure out what comes next." He gave a reassuring smile as he rubbed B.J.'s shoulder. "All right?"
B.J. tried a return smile but he didn't have one in him. "You're a godsend," he repeated.
Hawkeye leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, then gently laid a hand on Peg's arm as she continued to sleep. He wished he could do something for the woman, but it was clear, at least to him, that the end would be coming soon. It tore his heart out. He was a doctor… his instinct was to heal, but in cases like this, medicine had no answers.
Without another word, he left the room and headed back to the waiting area, where Erin still sat stiffly in the hard plastic chair, staring blankly at nothing. "Hey, young miss," he said, trying to make his voice light, "how about I buy you some lunch?"
She shrugged, but got to her feet slowly, as if it were the hardest thing she'd had to do all day. She offered her hand and he took it, leading her off in the direction of the cafeteria. He took small steps to keep pace with her, realizing he felt paternal and protective. Uncle Hawkeye would help her through her nightmarish day. And as many days after that as he was needed.