AN: Hello, what you are about to begin to read is, what I would say, my life- work. I've been writing on this story for about three years now. Inspiration has been big at times but also low. Today I got 12 done chapters (13 on the way) and I feel that I'm ready to share this with you. I'm super nervous about opinions, since it's so close to my heart. I'm writing this story for me and no one else, if you decide to read it, I sincerely hope that you enjoy it as much as I do.

Partly based on real events from my life or things I've seen that inspired me, twisted to fit into this fan fiction.

Big thanks to my beta, paradoxicalNightmares.

Rated M for a very good reason. Triggers may exist.

Pairings: Kariya x Ichigo, Grimmjow x Ichigo & Nnoitra x Shinji + eventuall other pairings.

This is a warning, about no further warnings in future chapters.

~ Chapter 1 – Where are we heading? ~

The alarm clock turned the radio on at 7 AM. It wasn't too loud or too low, set at the perfect volume, and the sound from a person making his or her morning show were the best way to start the day. Being scared awake wasn't something he liked, it would only result in a bad morning temper. Ichigo was drawn closer and closer to reality, as the voices reached his ears. He tried to open his eyes, but his lids were just too heavy to even budge. For a second, he even considered the option to ignore the alarm, and sleep in. Ichigo was tired, but not so tired as to enrage his boyfriend by not getting up from the bed.

His eyes opened slowly, as he regained consciousness from his dreamless sleep. The room was dark when he finally woke up completely. The chest, which he had used as a pillow, rose and sank calmly. Knowing that he already had wasted five minutes in trying to wake up, Ichigo left the warm body and reached to turn the alarm clock off. He slid, unnoticed, out of the bed and replaced the covers so that the other wouldn't get cold. Ichigo opened his closet and took out a pair of his favorite jeans, and a plain t-shirt. He tiptoed over to his drawer to find a pair of boxers and simple black socks. Ichigo took a quick look at the bed to ensure that his boyfriend still was asleep before leaving the room.

The orangette let his old boxers fall to the tiled floor as he turned on the water. When the water had heated up, he stepped in. Today it had to be a quick shower, since he had been too slow in getting up from the bed. He shampooed and soaped his body quickly before rinsing himself of all the suds. Ichigo dried his body and hair as fast as it was possible. He put on his fresh clothes, and then began to brush his teeth. White foam bubbled out from the corners of his mouth, almost making him drool toothpaste mixed with saliva. It didn't matter how he did his brushing, it always ended with a lot of white oozing out from his mouth. He spit and gurgled. A quick look in the mirror told him that he looked presentable. Ichigo hung the towel on the towel dryer and checked once again to make sure that he had put out the basic garments of his boyfriend's suit the night before.

He went to the kitchen to make breakfast, the already prepared coffeemaker switched on. Eggs, butter, marmalade and a juice box were placed on the counter. A frying pan was taken out from the cupboard to fry the eggs in, and while passing by the toaster, two pieces of bread were put in it. While breakfast was cooking, Ichigo took out a plate, coffee mug, a glass and a fork to set the table with. He filled the glass with juice and put the box back in the fridge. The fried eggs rested on the plate as Ichigo buttered and spread marmalade onto the toasted bread. Coffee was poured into the mug and two minutes later; everything was ready. The only thing that was missing was the newspaper, so Ichigo went out to the letterbox to retrieve it. The paper was laid in its usual place on the table, and Ichigo was thankful that he had managed to get everything ready on time.

Around 7.30 AM, he went back to the bedroom to wake his still sleeping boyfriend. Ichigo stopped at his side of the bed and reached out to shake the sleeping man gently. There was no response at first so Ichigo shook again, this time a little bit harder.

"Kariya-san?" Ichigo whispered.

The man opened his eyes, as if he had been switched on. Ichigo pulled away his hand immediately, reacting like he had been touching fire. Kariya turned his head to Ichigo and let out a yawn.

"Did you sleep well?" The orangette asked.

"I did." Kariya answered and let his hand shoot out from under the covers to grab Ichigo's left one. He yanked it towards him, and Ichigo came closer. The younger male bent over the bed and dipped his head down to Kariya's. They stared into each other's eyes for a couple of seconds, before a strong arm forced Ichigo's head lower so that Kariya could have a good morning kiss. He wasn't just satisfied with a peck on the lips and Ichigo knew that. He opened his mouth and let his boyfriend's tongue in. The kiss was short but deep, and soon Ichigo was by the windows to pull away the curtains to let the sun in. His boyfriend had already exited the bedroom to take a shower. Ichigo made all the pillows puffy again and made the bed. He went and sat down by the table while his boyfriend finished in the bathroom.

A hand ruffled through his hair as Kariya walked past him. He sat down at the table and picked up the paper to read and eat simultaneously. Ichigo rose from the chair to clean whatever mess Kariya had been successful in creating in the short amount of time he had spent in the bathroom. He picked up the abandoned towel that had been thrown on the floor. Ichigo put all the bottles in the shower back in their designated place. He took a quick look at the faucet and was thankful that it had been spared from his boyfriend's mess. Upon entering the kitchen again, Kariya had finished his breakfast and Ichigo removed the dirty dishes.

"I'll see you in the afternoon then?" Ichigo said.

Kariya made grunt and walked out through the front door. An engine roared to life and his boyfriend pulled out. Ichigo washed the dishes from this morning and finally settled down with a cup of coffee himself. He leaned back in the chair and picked up the first part of the Newspaper, knowing that the local paper wouldn't provide him with any useful news.

Ichigo Kurosaki met Jin Kariya two years ago at an online dating site, which only was for men that searched for other men. The site was flooded with men, often way too old to even be interested in someone as young as Ichigo. At that point the boy only was 21 years old. He had decided to not post an image of himself and instead let the visitors on his profile page judge him from what he had written about himself. It wasn't unusual that most men never read it before sending a private message to him. Many times it only was about men suggesting that they should meet and get acquaintance beneath the covers. Those got deleted and blocked before he even cared to read them.

Ichigo was going to give up the whole 'dating on the internet' thing, since it never took him anywhere, but one day, a new message topped his inbox. It wasn't one of those perverted messages he usually got; instead it was a real message from a person who wanted something more. Ichigo replied after he had decided that the man seemed pretty reliable, judging by what he had read on the other's profile.

Jin Kariya, as the man was named, was 37 years old. Ichigo felt a little bit awkward with that at first, but that feeling soon went away as he got to know the other better.

When Ichigo showed his picture to Kariya for the first time, he got a lot of praise about how beautiful he was. Only something as simple as that made his heart go faster. The same day, they exchanged cell phone numbers. At this point, Ichigo told Kariya exactly what he did and what he was thinking, and sometimes a lot of random things, just to have a reason to write to the other. The seemingly normal conversation turned flirtatious and sometimes to innocent teasing.

[Ichigo: It's boring to sleep by myself… I feel so lonely.]

[Kariya: Come over and keep me company.]

[Ichigo: I could… if you lived closer to me.]

[…]

[Kariya: You know that you just have to ask, and I'll pick you up in no time… I really want to.]

[Ichigo: Aww, you are so kind, Kariya, but seriously…I can't keep my eyes open. Gonna sleep. Talk to you tomorrow?]

[Kariya: Of course. Good night, Ichigo. Sweet dreams.]

[Ichigo: Night.]

Before any of them knew it, almost two months passed since their encounter at the internet, and yet it only had felt like days, barely a week. Ichigo was glad to have a special person like Kariya, which only he knew about. The man was there for him when he felt down or sad, he felt safe knowing that. Going to sleep at night had been getting easier too, his sleeping troubles were almost gone and that was all due to Kariya's virtue.

[Ichigo: *Poke!*]

[Kariya: *Hug* That's a lot nicer, you know? Your poke hurt.]

[Ichigo: Sorry… Just bored to death over here.]

[Kariya: I love your hair…]

[Ichigo: You do? Why?]

[Kariya: The color, how it brings forward your eyes and especially the way it's cut. Would just love to feel it between my fingers.]

[Ichigo: I don't know what to say but thanks, I suppose?]

[Kariya: I love the way you frown too. It's adorable.]

[Ichigo: Stop being so nice to me, 'cause that's so not true, and I don't deserve it.]

[Kariya: It is true. I would never lie, ever. I promise.]

[Ichigo: *Hug*]

[Kariya: I know we haven't texting for long but I… think that I like you.]

[Ichigo: I think that I… like you too.]

At that moment, Ichigo felt as if he were living in a dream. His heart beat so damn fast in his chest and his body felt light. His lips wore a silly smile that had spread to his usually frowning eyes. The happiness that he felt was indescribable. Someone loved him. All of him. Was he going to collect his courage and ask the man out? Did he even have the guts to do it? Kariya was a lot older than him, but in a way it was appealing to Ichigo that the man was older. Judging from the small picture he had seen on the dating site, Kariya looked quite big in a well-trained body kind of a way. Ichigo was smaller, and it felt good to have a boyfriend that could take the lead. They had never talked about it, but Ichigo was quite sure that Kariya was the seme in a relationship; he had that aura around him.

Ichigo had dwelt on it for days. Was he going to ask Kariya out? He was a little afraid that Kariya wouldn't be the one he had claimed to be, and then only use him. He had to try, otherwise he would never get romantically involved.

[Ichigo: I've been thinking about this a lot… Would you want to meet IRL?]

[Kariya: I would love to. I have also thought about it, but didn't know if it only was going to scare you away…]

[Ichigo: Lucky me that you are feeling the same way! So… when do you want to meet?]

[Kariya: I'm free this weekend, if that's okay with you? I don't know what we should do though…]

[Ichigo: If it's not much trouble, you could come over to my place and I'll cook you dinner? Sounds good? Friday?]

[Kariya: Then I can tell if you are such a good cook as you claim to be. That's really good. I'll drop by after work, around 5 PM? Is that an appropriate time for you?]

[Ichigo: It's a date then. Oh, God, I'm so nervous…]

[Kariya: Don't be. Just be you and it will be fine.]

Ichigo hadn't been nervous at all before Friday. However when Friday came, his stomach filled with butterflies. Ichigo decided that a little cleaning would make him forget and it did, for a while at least. The apartment was now super shiny and ready for any uninvited guests. His phone went off and he jumped, startled by its vibrations. He looked at the display only to find Kariya's name blinking on it. Ichigo flipped it open and answered.

"H-hello, Ichigo speaking."

"It's me. I only wanted to tell you that I'm leaving now and will be at your apartment your apartment in an hour." Kariya's deep, and what Ichigo thought, was a very attractive voice, said on the other line.

"Okay."

"I'll see you soon then."

"Yeah, can't wait. Bye."

That had been the most idiotic phone call in Ichigo's life. Way to go with first impression and all. God, he was an idiot. Not long after, the door bell rang Ichigo opened it and let Kariya inside. He took the man's coat while Kariya took off his shoes. The older man hugged Ichigo gently as they greeted each other. Both of them walked in and Ichigo showed Kariya how he lived. It wasn't big, but had a cozy feeling to it.

"While I finish up the last of the food, could you set the table?" Ichigo managed to say through his nervousness and Kariya answered with a genuine smile.

Ichigo had already prepared most of the food, to get it in the oven quickly. All he had to do was to chop some veggies. Kariya walked around, and set the table slowly. Ichigo had felt himself grow to the floor, when the older had stood behind him, his chest brushing to his back, as he got out plates and glasses from the top cupboard over Ichigo's head. He finished prepping his food and placed it in the oven. Kariya had been standing at the table watching every move.

"We can watch a movie while the food gets done." Ichigo suggested.

Awkward silence had fallen over them, and Ichigo sat miles away from Kariya. He couldn't even concentrate on the TV. The only thing on his mind was the man beside him. The same thing happened at the dinner table. The meal had been eaten in silence. Gathering his courage, Ichigo tried to speak with Kariya.

"Did it taste good?"

"It was wonderful."

"It's not a difficult dish actually."

"Then you must give me the recipe later."

"Wanna continue watch that movie?"

"Only if you remove the invisible Berlin wall that crosses the middle of the sofa."

Ichigo blushed and looked away; Kariya had thought about it just as much as he had.

They got seated in the sofa but this time, Ichigo sat closer beside the other man. Ten minutes into the rest of the movie, Kariya laid his arm around Ichigo and drew him even closer. The younger melted into the touch, feeling content. Ichigo rested his head against Kariya's shoulder, and they sat like that till the movie ended. Somewhere near the end of it Ichigo had fallen asleep. He was woken by his human pillow as the credits rolled on the screen. He blinked his eyes open slowly, still fogged with sleep.

"Tired?" Kariya asked Ichigo, who nodded tiredly before he yawned. "Do you want to go to bed?"

"Want to stay the night?" How he had been able to even suggest that Ichigo really had no clue, but it felt right.

Kariya smiled and helped Ichigo on to his feet, who disappeared into the bedroom as Kariya turned off the TV before following. The young man had already crawled down under the covers and flipped it open to invite the older one. He shed his clothes, only leaving his boxers on, before climbing in. He spooned Ichigo from behind and draped and arm around Ichigo's waist.

Kariya had taken all of his firsts. It didn't happen on that night, but a couple of dates later. Ichigo sipped his coffee slowly while he thought about how head over heels he had been over Kariya at that time. He still was, but that exiting spark that he felt then, disappeared long ago. He would never forget the feeling of falling deeply in love or the feeling of all the butterflies in his stomach whenever he was around Kariya. Two years later, their relationship wasn't what it used to be. For some reason, Kariya's behavior had changed drastically the last couple of months. His boyfriend was irritated and didn't treat Ichigo as think a boyfriend should. The orangette knew that his lover had much to do at his company, so he didn't blame him for being an ass sometimes. The company had grown to become quite successful over the years since its establishment.

When Ichigo moved in, they agreed that Ichigo would be the one doing all the domestic work, while Kariya earned all the money. It worked out fine in the beginning, but now Ichigo was required to do certain things in a special way to keep Kariya happy. He wasn't abusive, but very strict in how everything was supposed to get managed and when. Ichigo loved Kariya too much to care, as long as he could spend his life with him, it didn't matter if there sometimes was harsh words. Or did it? Did Ichigo really not get influenced by this? The fact was, that how much he told himself that it didn't matter, the more it hurt when Kariya spoke harshly to him. He tried to think about all the positivities instead. Ichigo had always been high spirited and optimistic; this was no different. It was just that he couldn't keep it up anymore. He really tried, but Kariya always seemed to find weak spots in his defense that easily managed to make him feel… sad.

Ichigo finished his coffee and put the dirty mug into the sink. Today was Monday, and it meant that he had to do some shopping for the majority of the week, vacuum, and dust the house before his boyfriend came back from work. The dinner should also be ready, standing on the table. Ichigo put the newspaper in the recycling bin and put on his jacket. Now… where was the money that Kariya was supposed to leave on the counter under the hallway mirror? After searching for it he understood that his boyfriend had forgotten to give it to him again. Ichigo pulled out his cell from his pocket and stared at it for a moment. Kariya hated when he got disturbed at work with 'little disturbances' as he called it. Ichigo decided that he should call, not daring to use the emergency credit card that he had.

"Has something happened?" A hello would be nice.

"No…"

"So why are you calling me when you know I'm busy?" Kariya said, irritated.

"It's Monday and you forgot to give me money for the groceries."

There was a deep annoyed sigh before the man on the other end spoke again."And why did I give you a credit card?"

"It was supposed to only be used at emergencies!" Ichigo protested.

"Use it and stop pestering me. Useless piece of s-"Kariya hung up before he even finished his sentence. Ichigo swallowed hard as he tried to seal away the feeling of hurt. Knowing that he could use the card, Ichigo walked out through the door. The store that he frequently shopped in stood not far away from the house. It only took a couple of minutes to go there so a car wouldn't be necessary. He had a license though and Kariya had gotten him a pretty hot ride on his last birthday. It didn't have four wheels, but two. His beloved motorcycle had barely been used, mostly because Kariya rather went in his Jaguar when they were going somewhere together.

"Yo, Urahara!" Ichigo greeted as he walked in through the automatic sliding doors.

"Hello, Ichigo-kun! Is it Monday already?"

Ichigo took a basket and started to collect the groceries that he needed. Veggies, meat, rice, beer for Kariya, cleaning products and other such items Ichigo had complied on his mental list. He knew his way around the shop, so he got what he needed without making Urahara wait.

"Time sure flies past fast." Ichigo said as he put the groceries on the conveyer belt. "How's business?"

"Hmm, slow as usual, but it goes around. I might need a part timer one or two days a week in the future, to not be forced to close when I'm out of town. Something that would interest you?"

"It might, if I have some spare time I could cover a few hours. Not a whole day though." His 'schedule' would never allow it, but a few hours would be fine, if Kariya gave him his permission, that is. "I need to speak with Kariya-san first, but I'll let you know."

"Good, good. Everything's okay between the two of you?"

"The usual." Ichigo took out the golden card and stuck it in the card reader before hitting in the code.

"No cash today?"

"Didn't get any."

"I see…" Urahara said and helped him to pack his groceries in two paper bags.

"I'll let you know if I can take some hours of your shoulders." The shopkeeper nodded and Ichigo walked out from the store.

The house that Kariya owned was quite big, it had a top floor and a ground floor. A well kept garden circulated the house, and there was a large garage in a separate building. From the outside it looked like a dream house, the interior was just as dreamy. The kitchen was to die for and Ichigo had dubbed it to be his favorite space, although it was tied for first place against the peaceful garden.

It had taken some hours to clean the whole house and Ichigo was now standing and preparing the food. Kariya would approximately get home in two hours or so. The food would be done just in time. There was no need to piss him of further today anyway. The dinner was indeed ready when Kariya walked through the front door. When he walked in to the kitchen, Ichigo poured out the water from the spaghetti.

"Welcome home, Kariya-san." Ichigo greeted.

The man sat down at the kitchen table but didn't acknowledge him. Ichigo prepared two plates with pasta and meat sauce. He put down their plates on the table and sat down.

"Itadakimasu." He said before he started to eat.

They ate in silence, only the noise from their cutleries filled the almost too silent room. Ichigo didn't even have an appetite to begin with and eating with this thick tension only made it worse. He stilled in his eating to glance at his boyfriend, who didn't seem to be in a bad mood, so what was up with the cranky attitude? He put down his utensils; he was definitely not hungry anymore. Ichigo took a sip from his water and watched his boyfriend eat.

"How was work?" Ichigo asked in an attempt to at least get a conversation started.

"Sat in a meeting almost the whole day." Kariya said, not even looking at Ichigo.

Said boy clenched his fist under the table. "Urahara asked me if I could work a few hours a week at his shop, when he needs extra help. So is it okay if I work there once in awhile?"

"No."

The answer was like a stab in the heart.

"But I have the time! I can do both the housework and manage a job!"

"No." Kariya never stopped to eat and didn't give Ichigo any attention. The orangette rose quickly from the table and almost threw his dishes down in the sink.

"I can't see the problem." Ichigo said angrily as he leaned against the kitchen counter. It was quiet for a moment before Kariya spoke.

"If you have the time to stand in a store, looking at people, then you should put that energy into the household. That was our deal."

"What's wrong with me earning money?"

Kariya looked up from his plate and locked his eyes with Ichigo's. He was furious and Ichigo refused to flinch in fear.

"The answer is no and we have finished this discussion."

Kariya rose from his chair and stepped out from the kitchen. Ichigo stomped around and cleared the table but refused to clean the dishes out of anger to deliberately piss Kariya off. He sat down in the sofa and turned the ridiculously large flat screen on.

An hour passed until Kariya made an appearance. Ichigo had already curled up in a fleece blanket and fallen asleep, but was woken by Kariya who was everything but happy.

"Why is the kitchen a mess?"

"Because."

Kariya pulled Ichigo up from his lying posture into a sitting one in the sofa and shook his slender frame quite hard.

"Fix it." Kariya spat.

"What if I don't want to?"

Kariya's hands gripped his shoulder painfully and pressed him into the soft cushions of the sofa.

"Get it done, or else…"

"Or else, what?"

Anger flashed through Kariya's eyes and the murderous intent he had, were nothing Ichigo had seen before. Seconds later his boyfriend had tossed him down on the floor, in the direction of the kitchen. He then took one of his arms and dragged him into it. Ichigo had been too stunned to thrash and fight against him and was now currently on the floor, trying to comprehend the whole scenario.

"You aren't sleeping until the kitchen's cleaned."

Ichigo sat up on the floor and leaned against the cabinets. He stared in front of him, trying to calm down. It was easier said than done. His boyfriend had just thrown him around like a worthless ragdoll. He could already feel the bruises developing on his body. He wanted to chase after him and shout exactly what he thought about this but… his limbs refused to move. Ichigo Kurosaki had never been afraid of anything before, so why should he start now? He was acting like a chick, goddammit. He heard how Kariya's footsteps echoed throughout the upper level of the house. He flinched when they came to a stop, but he assumed that the man had sat down in front of his computer.

Ichigo rose from the floor on shaky legs, and started to take care of the dishes. He really wanted to make a point by not doing them, but considering the situation, this was all he could do.

An hour later, he climbed into their bed and curled into a ball beneath the covers, gathering everything around him to leave the other side of the bed empty. He wondered if Kariya were still mad. At times like these, he would just take out his bike and drive aimlessly to clear his head. Both of them had never really argued. Was it because that they always kept themselves alone in different rooms in the house? Ichigo and Kariya spent rarely time with each other in the weekdays. It could be that simple…or not.

The younger male had almost fallen asleep when the bed sunk and the covers were yanked from his body. Ichigo stretched his legs and turned around to face his boyfriend. He seemed to have calmed down to his usual self and luckily, Ichigo had cooled of as well.

"Kariya-san, are you still mad at me?" Ichigo whispered. Kariya turned his head against his lover before answering. "No, I'm not." Ichigo locked uncertain eyes with Kariya. "Sure?" The older sighed, used to Ichigo's stubborn side. "Yes, I'm sure." The orangette smiled uncertainly before moving closer.

They ended up in a spooning position, with Ichigo trapped by his boyfriend's strong arms and intertwined legs. Kariya had burrowed his nose in the nape of Ichigo's neck, which he rarely did.

"Did I hurt you?" Kariya mumbled against it.

"A little. I think it will bruise…You scared me."

Kariya moved his face around in Ichigo's hair, really snuggling into it in a way of saying his apologies. "I'm so sorry, Ichigo. It will never happen again. I promise. It's just so much with work right now, so I just snapped. Please forgive me?"

"I forgive you…Hey, let's get some sleep? I have class tomorrow and I need to pay attention, we have a test soon." They cuddled even closer before letting sleep take over. Even though his boyfriend was an ass sometimes he still loved him. But how long would it last before he had had enough?

TBC.