The Dark Side of the Fanfiction

by HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

"The Dark Side of the Fanfiction is a pathway to many communities some consider to be M-rated." "Is it possible to read such stories?" "Not when your filter is on." How long did it take to write this story? About 3 or 4 seasons. The plot is for sale, if you want it. You don't need to see my author page. This isn't the fanfiction you're looking for. Read along.

The Dark Side of the Fanfiction

A long time ago, on a fanfiction website far, far away…

Star Wars

Episode I: The Fanfiction Menace

Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Fanfic. The rating of SLASH-fanfictions is in dispute.

Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly fanfics, the greedy T-rated Federation has stopped all reading on the small planet of Naboo.

While the congress of the Fanfic endlessly debates this alarming chain of chapters, the Supreme Author has secretly dispatched two Writer Knights, the guardians of ratings and copyrights in the galaxy, to settle the conflict…

"Captain."

"Yes sir?"

"Tell them we wish to read at once."

"Yes sir."

Beep

"With all due respect for the T-rated Federation, the Beta Readers for the Supreme Author wish to read immediately."

"Yes, yes, of course. As you know, our stories are perfectly legal, and we'd be happy to receive the Beta Readers."

oo0O0oo

"I am OC-14, at your service. This way, please. We are greatly honored by your review, readers. Make yourselves comfortable. My writer will be with you shortly."

"I see a bad spelling in this."

"I don't see anything."

"It's not in the story, Master, it's something elsewhere, elusive…"

"Don't center on the summaries, Obi-Fan. Keep your concentration here and now where it belongs."

"But Writer Yomama says I should be mindful of the conjugation!"

"But not at the expense of the story. Be mindful of the living Fanfiction, my young Padawan."

"Yes Master. How do you think the T-rate Vicewriter will deal with the Author's demands?"

"These Federation types are cowards. The Fanfictions will be short."

oo0O0oo

"What? What did you say?"

"The Beta Readers are Writer Knights, I believe."

"I knew it! They're here to steal our plotline!"

"Distract them. I will contact Lord Miscellaneous."

"Are you braindead? I'm not going in there with two Writers! Send the OC-character."

oo0O0oo

"Is it in their nature to make their chapters so long?"

"No… I sense an unusual amount of plots for something as trivial as this rating dispute."

oo0O0oo

"What is it?"

"This story of yours has failed, Lord Miscellaneous. The chapter is finished! We dare not go against these Writers."

"Vicewriter, I don't want this stunted slim in my archive again. This turn of reviews is unfortunate. We must accelerate our writing. Begin writing your OC's."

"My Lord, is that T-rated?"

"I will make it T-rated!"

"And the Writers?"

"The Author should have never brought them into this. PM them, immediately."

"Yes, My Lord. As you wish."

ooooooooo00OO00ooooooooo

"Oh noooooooo!"

"Quick! Get out of here!"

"Whas dat? Oyi, mooie-mooie! I luv yous!"

"All your words are miss-spelled! Are you brainless?"

"I read!"

"The ability to read does not make you intelligent. Now get out of here!"

"Oh, no, mesa stay! Mesa called Jar_Jar1532! Mesa your humble reader!"

"That won't be necessary."

"Oh, but it is! It is demanded for the comic relief it is!"

"Stay down!"

"Yous saved me again!"

"What's this?"

"Someone that has an account on fanfiction. net and doesn't write stories, but only writes badly written comments on other people's stories. Let's go before more of those idiots show up."

"Moor? Moor did you spake? Ex-squeeze me, but da most safest place would be the K-rated archive. Tis where I read. Tis a hidden story!"

"A story?"

"Uh-huh?"

"Can you filter there?"

"Oh, on second taut, no, not rilly, no."

"No?"

"Is embarrissin boot…my afrai my've been deleted. My forgoten da lawyers would do terrible tings to my. Terrible tings if my goin beck dare."

"You see that?"

"Yeah?"

"That's the sight of a thousand terrible stories spelled this way."

"If we read them, they'll crush our knowledge of writing, grind it into tiny pieces and blast it into oblivion!"

"Ah, yousa point is well said. Dis way! Hurry!"

oo0O0oo

"How much farther?"

"Wesa click 'Movies', den 'Star Wars', wit de most stories. Den wesa go to 'Filters' an wesa click 'Rated' to 'K-rated'. Okeyday?"

ooooooooo00OO00ooooooooo

"And, QueenAmidala65, has she written the summary?"

"Her author page has disappeared, My Lord. One SLASH-story got past the filters."

"I want that summary written."

"My Lord, it's impossible to locate the story. It's out of our archive…"

"Not for a Critic Lord. This is my apprentice, Darth M-rated. He will find your lost story."

"This is getting out of hand! Now there's two of them!"

"We should not have made this website…"

ooooooooo00OO00ooooooooo

"Guta nayola! Ha chuba da nala?" (Good day to you! What do you want?)

"I need plots for a K-rated Star Wars fanfiction story Romance."

"Ah yes, ah yes, Romance… We have lots of that! Peedenk! Naba dee unko!" (Boy! Get in here, now!)

"My script here has a readout of what we need."

"Coona tee-tocky malia?" (What took you so long?)

"Mel tassa cho-passa…" (I was cleaning the script like you…)

"Chut-chut! Ganda doe wallya. Me dwana no bata." (Shut up! Watch the store. I've got some selling to do.)

oo0O0oo

"Are you an OC?"

"What?"

"An OC. I've heard the deep web writers talk about them. They are the most beautiful creatures in the universe. They live on fanfiction. net, I think."

"You're a funny little boy. How do you know so much?"

"I read the stories of all the authors that come by here. I'm a writer, you know, and some day I'm gonna write my own story."

"You're a writer?"

"All my life."

"How long have you been here?"

"Since I was very little. Three, I think. My mom and I were sold to Gardulla the Hutt, but she lost us betting on cliffhangers."

"You're… a slave?"

"I am a person, and my name is Fanakin!"

"I'm sorry. I don't fully understand. This is a strange plot to me.

oo0O0oo

"…a T -14 rated hyperwrite generator! Thee in luck, I'm the only one hereabouts who has one… but thee might as well write a new story. It would be cheaper, I think… Saying of which, how's thee going to write all this?"

"I have 20 000 characters left."

"Being mentioned in the credits? Being mentioned in the credits is no good out here. I need something more real…"

"I can't do anything else, but the credits will do fine."

"No, they won't."

"The credits will do fine!"

"No, they won't! What you think you're some kind of writer, changing the script like that? I'm a real character! Fanfics don't work on me, only money! No money, no plot, no deal! And no one else has a T -14 rated hyperwriter, I promise you that!"

ooooooooo00OO00ooooooooo

"What will happen to me now?"

"The Writer Pencil has granted me permission to train you. You will be a Writer, I promise."

"There's no doubt. The mysterious reviewer was a Critic."

"Always two there are, no more, no less. An Author and an Anonymous Reviewer."

"But which one was destroyed? The Author, or the Anonymous Reviewer?"

(subtle camera-change to Palpatine)

oo0O0oo

"Piece!"

"Piece?"

"This story was a piece of sh*t!"

oooooooooooooooo

Directed by HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

Written by HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

Produced by HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

Obi-Fan Fictionobi: HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

Fan-Dom Jinn: HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

Fanakin Skywriter: HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

Darth Miscellaneous: HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

Darth M-rated: HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

Jar_Jar1532: This page was deleted

QueenAmidala65: HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

Nute Gunray, vicewriter of the T-rated Federation: HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

OC-14: HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

Watto the real character: HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

Boss Nice: HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

Writer Yomama: HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

Mace Hindu: HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

Not-So-Important-Republic-Cruiser-Captain: HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

That other guy from the T-rated Federation that isn't Nute Gunray but no one knows his actual name: HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

(All right, I know his real name. It's Daultay Dofine)

Supreme Author Finis Forum: HaveYouBeenAnAlumnus

All rights belong to… not me.

Source for dialogue: the script

Any resemblances with persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. And you would have a weird life, too.

At last we will review ourselves to the writer, at last we will have Revenge of the Critics.

Oh wait, first there's Attack of the Communities.

But I was serious about the reviews. If you will not review me, then you're my enemy!

Me: It's over, Reader! I have no inspiration left!

You: You underestimate my dislike-button!

Me: Don't try it.

Stop reading! The chapter is finished!

Seriously, it's over. There's nothing left to come.

You: Noooooooooooo!